To wonder if mum friends are not always real friends

[Wherethehellismyhusbandsongstuckinmyhead]

Are they all just about convenience?

Had what I thought was a fairly solid set of mum friends, we’d talk about our relationships, kids grew up together, we did events altogether and then it gradually faded out. For me it was because my Dc was ill for a long time so I wasn’t able to meet up easily. People seem to have moved on with different mum friends, which I understand. It feels like the friendships had no real meaning and weren’t what I thought they were.
Various other friendship groups have been maintained throughout the years-school friends, uni friends, work friends

Just feels a bit sad, is it just for convenience and when the kids move on, the mums do too?

Look up 'The Last Meeting Theory' it is normal and necessary.

There is a saying about friendships that I first heard of here. "Some are for a reason, some for a season, some for life." It's a bit twee but I think sums up how friendships work.

If you think in those terms, it takes away the doubt about whether those friendships were genuine. They were at the time, that season. For me, accepting that means I don't carry any insecurity with me when I meet new people and develop new friendships.

I suspect it’s much the same reason why there’s so much oddness about friendships on Mn in general — a lot of people on here are not very socially competent and struggle with friendships, but some situations thrust them into situations of enforced contact with others (baby groups, the school run, play dates with children young enough to need a parent to stay) and where they think they’re ’supposed’ to have friends.

I agree that the singularising of ‘mum friends’ is maddening. Most women still have children (as do most men). Those same women with children will be the people you meet playing hockey, or in a t’ai chi class, or in your workplace. They don’t present differently because they are mothers.

Once kids leave school it all stops, ime.

My neighbour who moved to Canada had a very close mum friend who of course she can’t see because she’s moved.

For me as I’m not a mother I can only compare these friendships to work friendships.

They’re very similar to work friendships! Situational in that you meet because of a specific situation, and that either grows into something that becomes independent of the original situation, and hence survives when people leave the workplace/the kids grow up, or doesn’t.

I think mum friends are mostly situational unless there’s a real connection between the adults beyond the dc.

Never had any so wouldn’t know. It’s intentional on my part, I’ve always worked FT so aside from maternity leave haven’t had the opportunity to sit around gassing with mums. Beside the by, I really don’t enjoy that level of conversation. I find it tedious tbh.

That’s ridiculous. Most women work FT after maternity leave. I don’t know anyone who didn’t. ‘Mum friends ’ are not exclusively SAHMs, and nor are they any more likely to ‘sit around gassing’ than anyone else.

@IfThen

I suspect it’s much the same reason why there’s so much oddness about friendships on Mn in general — a lot of people on here are not very socially competent and struggle with friendships, but some situations thrust them into situations of enforced contact with others (baby groups, the school run, play dates with children young enough to need a parent to stay) and where they think they’re ’supposed’ to have friends.

I agree that the singularising of ‘mum friends’ is maddening. Most women still have children (as do most men). Those same women with children will be the people you meet playing hockey, or in a t’ai chi class, or in your workplace. They don’t present differently because they are mothers.

Agree. The thing that infuriates me is that so many people seem to feel they are somehow entitled to "mum friends" as if its part of the contract of being a school parent. They think they're going to be given a whole new social life on a plate simply on the basis that their kids are at school with yours and they then get huffy and flounce if not invited to every event going or if they perceive that some people have their own independent friendships. It's so infantile.

Friendships require work and commitment, sometimes they don't work out and sometimes you have to be prepared to let them go when they're not working for you. They aren't a birthright.

Sorry to read that your child was unwell, OP. I hope they are better now.

I made 3 lovely 'mum' friends at my post-natal group when dc1 was a baby. We spent so much time together during the baby years. Gradually, I lost touch with all 3 of them. I moved out of the area to a different county but we kept in touch. One in particular I was on regular speaking and meeting up terms with until 5 years ago (our babies are now in their 20's!) when she fell out with me over something that was out of my control. We got on really well and I was very fond of her. I miss her.

I thought of another one of these baby group friends at Christmas and sent a message to her. She read it but did not reply.

I made new friends at the school gate in the new area and I do still meet up with them.

I feel the way you describe, that it feels like the baby group friendship's had no real meaning when at one time, we were so close and spent so much time together with our babies.

I'm the same, I speak to the parents to arrange play dates etc but I'm not invested in anything else.

I think as we move through life it's inevitable that people grow apart and friendships move on, not least because no one has the time to really nurture a deep friendship with every single friend they make. I have friendships stretching back to school, then uni, various workplaces, friends made through my husband, neighbours, mum friends, as well as coping with aging parents, my job, and small children. I literally cannot spend my entire life on whatsapp trying to check in with everyone, make plans to see everyone, as well as looking after myself and my family. Something's got to give, and most of the time it's going to be a friendship, even if at one point you thought that person was going to be a close friend for life. Doesn't make it less sad.

I mean there’s no one answer is there? Friends you’ve known a year on mat leave aren’t going to be as solid as friends you’ve known for years. However the idea of a “friend” being different to a “mum friend” is largely nonsense.
You’ve said yourself you haven’t met with them in a long time, not all friendships can handle long periods of time without actually doing anything in person.

I think the mum friends I knew, one worked as a photographer but was around and the other used to work but then became a SAHM. I did notice a few park meet ups after school, park is opposite school. Plus the mums often came for drinks/cinema with other non mums (ie me). There are some mums (they called one Amanda from Motherland) who didn’t seem to want to socialised outside her home or had her own friends. That’s fine too.

Most friendships formed anywhere really are situational. It isnt mean or awkward, it just is.

I enjoy them, but after the initial "set up" changes I'll continue with effort and see what happens but never expect much. I have never been disappointed this way.

Of course there are rare times when I am surprised and that's lovely, those people are "true" friends - but (this is important) I understand that is very rare.

You’ve never had a friend who is a mother?

the friends I’ve kept now I make an effort with them. The ones I’m not bothered with I let slide/die.

Some are, some aren’t, @Wherethehellismyhusbandsongstuckinmyhead - just like work friendships, school or university friendships, hobby group friendships etc etc.

Where did you meet your friends?

Also, what do you think that mums talk about that you wouldn't enjoy?
I went to Wuthering Heights yesterday with a few mum friends, kids weren't even mentioned.

A lot fo people are friends for a season.
Its not personal.

I wax and wane and just take it thry are busy we aentnin the same rhythm any more

Place marking.

I have had lots of Mum friends over the years but most have fizzled out especially now mine are at secondary so I don't see anyone.

Still have a couple of coffee friends and the other ones I do see are because we're in a book club together so that's a good reason to meet up. I'm also in the process of making new friends through a fitness group as I was definitely missing female connections since my youngest started secondary.

When I think of my Mum she went through the same and at 70 moved to the other side of the country and had to start again...this is life you move on but if you're good at making friends you'll make them at any point in life.

If people are mum friends then they are just convenient as otherwise they would be friends.

Isn't it like many friendships of circumstance, meaning you're friendly because you're in the same situation at the same time? But you wouldn't necessarily spend time together otherwise, sowhen the shared circumstances change, so does the friendship.