So I've name changed for this as I'm quite a regular poster and although I'm not 100% sure, my relative who fell out with my parents and I five years ago could potentially be on Mumsnet, so I don't want to give them proof by being able to check my user posting history.
Also, apologies that this is a long post, I don't want to drip feed.
Basically, my mum died recently, it's been devastating and my dad and I really struggled with her care at the end as she had Alzheimer's.
My sister died when we were in our 20s, and it impacted my parents and I so much at the time and continued to do so after, as I was very close to my sister and she was my only sibling.
A few years after my sister's death I met my now husband and things seemed to get better. My cousin who I'd always thought would be there for me started making nasty comments, passive aggressive stuff about going on weekends away, telling me to be "thankful" I had a boyfriend (at the time) who had a good job, that I had a good job, that I could afford things, that my parents loved me, etc. She was married at a young age and had two lovely children, but didn't have a good relationship with her parents (my mum's sibling).
Things got worse when I got engaged to my now DH, she was asked to be my bridesmaid in place of my deceased sister, her children flower girls. I paid for the dresses etc yet she was very demanding; I also had to pay for her to come to my hen weekend as she said it was too expensive (it was under £200 for the whole weekend), she moaned about the hotel cost for the wedding (despite living less than 15 mins drive from the venue and I wasn't forcing her to stay it was first refusal I offered), she moaned when I brainstormed ideas for a meal the night before that I was deliberately choosing places her children couldn't eat at (I wasn't, my best friend and I were just throwing ideas out, my best friend was the final bridesmaid).
She'd had mental health issues since our engagement and I was worried, she told me two days before the wedding she was feeling suicidal, I was so upset, I tried to see if she'd prefer no front facing role (i.e. be a bridesmaid but didn't need to walk down the aisle if she felt self conscious), she refused. On the day she didn't want the videographer filming her and was very upset about the make up (which everyone told me was beautiful) then told my dad that she had only started to enjoy the day towards the end of the evening.
We had a family lunch the next day for both sides, including friends from overseas and my cousin walked out early without paying, my friend from overseas was horrified and insisted on covering the missing cost as I was just going to pay for the four of them myself. It had been agreed prior to the meal that my DH and I would hire the room for a few hundred pounds and it was then £10 a head for the actual food, and everyone said that was fine to pay that aspect, including my cousin, so I didn't spring that on her.
My mum's Alzheimer's at the wedding was mostly forgetting or repeating stories, forgetting names and needing guided in case she got lost, so I felt a bit on edge on our wedding day, making sure mum was okay as well.
Fast forward a few months and we discovered I was pregnant, I got a lukewarm response and I think because I was missing my sister so much and knew how excited her reaction would have been I blew up via text and asked my cousin, do you even care?!
I got a ranting message back telling me I was selfish and everything was always about me, that her mental health meant she couldn't be happy but wouldn't apologise for that. There was more horrid stuff, saying her friends all agreed and thought I was a self centred person, etc etc. Probably the pregnancy hormones didn't help, but I cried for days after she sent that.
At Christmas a year or so later her family turned up at our house over 3 hours late, my mother in law was very stressed as she didn't know when to have the hot buffet food ready, I then got a message telling me I'd made them feel very unwelcome in our home, even though I'd hugged them all at the door, their oldest daughter had spent the whole time with earbuds in on her phone, her husband refused to talk to us so my DH, my parents and my mil all assumed they'd had a fight prior to arrival! She denied any wrongdoing, but instead said "I regret the behaviour but it was due to being made to feel unwelcome". When I pressed her, she said my mil had "judged" them. Mil was stressed as she was worried about her food being ruined!
I then discovered from my parents that they'd been transferring hundreds of pounds a month to my cousin and her family for years, even before our engagement, because they'd had money issues and because of her recent mental health, they'd kept doing it.
My dad then decided a few months after the Christmas nonsense to stop the money, my mum's Alzheimer's was getting worse and he wanted to save their pension (where the money was coming from) for my mum's care. It was also because he'd discovered via my cousin's DH (he'd let slip accidentally) that she was getting more sick pay benefits than originally revealed. My dad felt tricked.
After he stopped the money, months and months later after very strange, quite cold texts he suddenly got a written letter telling him he had really upset her by not sending a nice enough birthday card (he had, signed by him and my mum with a cheque), had ignored her daughter's birthday (again they had sent a card with a cheque but not a text), that he'd been cruel and it was his fault she was back receiving mental health support.
This letter was a blow to my parents, my mum especially as she was confused and hurt and the Alzheimer's meant she couldn't remember details and just wondered where her niece was.
Despite trying to stay out of the situation, I was blocked, my parents were blocked and that was that. My mum got worse and worse, no longer had her memories, could no longer talk, then swallow. Became incontinent. Social care had to help, it was awful. Then at the end of last year, my mum died. Dad and I were (and are still) shattered by it all.
Mum was rushed to hospital and we missed her death I was numb, we'd been by her side the whole time then when she was moved she died before we got there. Three days of no sleep then when she died I just felt like nothing was real.
I sent a text telling my cousin she'd died and received a really cold response basically thanking me for telling her, no "I'm sorry for your loss", no sympathies etc. I heard nothing from her parents, didn't even get a text, so we assumed they were back in touch. Just to be sure my dad text my aunt (her mother, my mum's sister).
They all turned up at the funeral but didn't come to the line up to see us. Dad and I felt partly relieved, partly upset that even my aunt didn't line up to pay respects. People saw them together and told us on the day. A relative from my cousin's husband's side turned up and revealed that my cousin had posted on Facebook and changed her cover and profile photos to my mum and her; presumably to get sympathy (but she couldn't express that directly to me, mum's daughter). Many people wouldn't have known she'd cut us off five years ago.
Apologies, sorry and thanks for lasting this long. My question is, would I be unreasonable to message her, tell her I know about the performative Facebook pictures (I came off Facebook years ago) and tell her how disappointing I think it is and also how hurt I am at the behaviour and also not even receiving a text from my only aunt about my mum's death? I want to tell her that I feel lost without my mum, it's making me miss my sister too a lot, I've no more female family other than this horrible cousin, I feel so damaged by this but I feel she'd either get a kick out of knowing how hurt I am, my dad too, and my mum when she was alive, she was upset about it. Almost £10k of my parent's money is now in her pocket. They supported her so much, emotionally too, and I just think she is being so horrible and I think she is selfish, I hate how much hurt it's caused me and I feel so angry right now, because I miss mum and my sister. Should I message?
Yes - rant away
No, dignified silence continues