Irrationally angry due to grief and want to have it out with a relative who has treated us badly, not seen for five years, aibu to contact?

[ImMissingMum]

So I've name changed for this as I'm quite a regular poster and although I'm not 100% sure, my relative who fell out with my parents and I five years ago could potentially be on Mumsnet, so I don't want to give them proof by being able to check my user posting history.

Also, apologies that this is a long post, I don't want to drip feed.

Basically, my mum died recently, it's been devastating and my dad and I really struggled with her care at the end as she had Alzheimer's.

My sister died when we were in our 20s, and it impacted my parents and I so much at the time and continued to do so after, as I was very close to my sister and she was my only sibling.

A few years after my sister's death I met my now husband and things seemed to get better. My cousin who I'd always thought would be there for me started making nasty comments, passive aggressive stuff about going on weekends away, telling me to be "thankful" I had a boyfriend (at the time) who had a good job, that I had a good job, that I could afford things, that my parents loved me, etc. She was married at a young age and had two lovely children, but didn't have a good relationship with her parents (my mum's sibling).

Things got worse when I got engaged to my now DH, she was asked to be my bridesmaid in place of my deceased sister, her children flower girls. I paid for the dresses etc yet she was very demanding; I also had to pay for her to come to my hen weekend as she said it was too expensive (it was under £200 for the whole weekend), she moaned about the hotel cost for the wedding (despite living less than 15 mins drive from the venue and I wasn't forcing her to stay it was first refusal I offered), she moaned when I brainstormed ideas for a meal the night before that I was deliberately choosing places her children couldn't eat at (I wasn't, my best friend and I were just throwing ideas out, my best friend was the final bridesmaid).

She'd had mental health issues since our engagement and I was worried, she told me two days before the wedding she was feeling suicidal, I was so upset, I tried to see if she'd prefer no front facing role (i.e. be a bridesmaid but didn't need to walk down the aisle if she felt self conscious), she refused. On the day she didn't want the videographer filming her and was very upset about the make up (which everyone told me was beautiful) then told my dad that she had only started to enjoy the day towards the end of the evening.

We had a family lunch the next day for both sides, including friends from overseas and my cousin walked out early without paying, my friend from overseas was horrified and insisted on covering the missing cost as I was just going to pay for the four of them myself. It had been agreed prior to the meal that my DH and I would hire the room for a few hundred pounds and it was then £10 a head for the actual food, and everyone said that was fine to pay that aspect, including my cousin, so I didn't spring that on her.

My mum's Alzheimer's at the wedding was mostly forgetting or repeating stories, forgetting names and needing guided in case she got lost, so I felt a bit on edge on our wedding day, making sure mum was okay as well.

Fast forward a few months and we discovered I was pregnant, I got a lukewarm response and I think because I was missing my sister so much and knew how excited her reaction would have been I blew up via text and asked my cousin, do you even care?!

I got a ranting message back telling me I was selfish and everything was always about me, that her mental health meant she couldn't be happy but wouldn't apologise for that. There was more horrid stuff, saying her friends all agreed and thought I was a self centred person, etc etc. Probably the pregnancy hormones didn't help, but I cried for days after she sent that.

At Christmas a year or so later her family turned up at our house over 3 hours late, my mother in law was very stressed as she didn't know when to have the hot buffet food ready, I then got a message telling me I'd made them feel very unwelcome in our home, even though I'd hugged them all at the door, their oldest daughter had spent the whole time with earbuds in on her phone, her husband refused to talk to us so my DH, my parents and my mil all assumed they'd had a fight prior to arrival! She denied any wrongdoing, but instead said "I regret the behaviour but it was due to being made to feel unwelcome". When I pressed her, she said my mil had "judged" them. Mil was stressed as she was worried about her food being ruined!

I then discovered from my parents that they'd been transferring hundreds of pounds a month to my cousin and her family for years, even before our engagement, because they'd had money issues and because of her recent mental health, they'd kept doing it.

My dad then decided a few months after the Christmas nonsense to stop the money, my mum's Alzheimer's was getting worse and he wanted to save their pension (where the money was coming from) for my mum's care. It was also because he'd discovered via my cousin's DH (he'd let slip accidentally) that she was getting more sick pay benefits than originally revealed. My dad felt tricked.

After he stopped the money, months and months later after very strange, quite cold texts he suddenly got a written letter telling him he had really upset her by not sending a nice enough birthday card (he had, signed by him and my mum with a cheque), had ignored her daughter's birthday (again they had sent a card with a cheque but not a text), that he'd been cruel and it was his fault she was back receiving mental health support.

This letter was a blow to my parents, my mum especially as she was confused and hurt and the Alzheimer's meant she couldn't remember details and just wondered where her niece was.

Despite trying to stay out of the situation, I was blocked, my parents were blocked and that was that. My mum got worse and worse, no longer had her memories, could no longer talk, then swallow. Became incontinent. Social care had to help, it was awful. Then at the end of last year, my mum died. Dad and I were (and are still) shattered by it all.

Mum was rushed to hospital and we missed her death I was numb, we'd been by her side the whole time then when she was moved she died before we got there. Three days of no sleep then when she died I just felt like nothing was real.

I sent a text telling my cousin she'd died and received a really cold response basically thanking me for telling her, no "I'm sorry for your loss", no sympathies etc. I heard nothing from her parents, didn't even get a text, so we assumed they were back in touch. Just to be sure my dad text my aunt (her mother, my mum's sister).

They all turned up at the funeral but didn't come to the line up to see us. Dad and I felt partly relieved, partly upset that even my aunt didn't line up to pay respects. People saw them together and told us on the day. A relative from my cousin's husband's side turned up and revealed that my cousin had posted on Facebook and changed her cover and profile photos to my mum and her; presumably to get sympathy (but she couldn't express that directly to me, mum's daughter). Many people wouldn't have known she'd cut us off five years ago.

Apologies, sorry and thanks for lasting this long. My question is, would I be unreasonable to message her, tell her I know about the performative Facebook pictures (I came off Facebook years ago) and tell her how disappointing I think it is and also how hurt I am at the behaviour and also not even receiving a text from my only aunt about my mum's death? I want to tell her that I feel lost without my mum, it's making me miss my sister too a lot, I've no more female family other than this horrible cousin, I feel so damaged by this but I feel she'd either get a kick out of knowing how hurt I am, my dad too, and my mum when she was alive, she was upset about it. Almost £10k of my parent's money is now in her pocket. They supported her so much, emotionally too, and I just think she is being so horrible and I think she is selfish, I hate how much hurt it's caused me and I feel so angry right now, because I miss mum and my sister. Should I message?

Yes - rant away
No, dignified silence continues

Thanks everyone, I've read every single reply and I appreciate you all taking the time to send me your thoughts. It's been really helpful, I'm going to write a letter as suggested, but it will be for my eyes only and once I've read it a few times, I will get rid of it and hopefully this will give me a bit of closure in my own head and let me be free to properly grieve for my mum.

At the moment all I can focus on are all the negative last few months of mum's life as the Alzheimer's took effect and it's seared in my brain (hence making me feel angry as well as upset), so I'm hoping if I can get past the hurt my cousin has caused me, I can start remembering mum as she was, and comfort myself that she is back with my sister again.

write the letter and tear it up, hope this will help you

Don't do it, but I can certainly see why you would want to.

I don't think that ranting at her will help you, @ImMissingMum . It won't be cathartic. If anything, going through all the details again (as you have in your OP) will entrench your anger even further. And it sounds almost certain that your cousin will not give you a kind or understanding response -- which will increase your anger even more.

You are full of rumination - and rumination just gets stronger and stronger the more we go through it. It's like a footpath worn into the ground by our repetitive trudging through the same thoughts. The more you tread, the deeper the rut gets and the harder it is to step off the path into the fresh grass either side.

This is true at the best of times, but when you are in the midst of bereavement, there is often a particularly powerful store of anger influencing your thinking.

In addition to your mum's death, you have also had to bear the awful loss of your sister. I wonder how much that dreadful bereavement has impacted your ability to cope with your more recent loss?

Take care of yourself. Try to gently lift your thoughts away from this cousin and towards strategies for showing yourself compassion xx

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and your mum @ImMissingMum I'm also sorry you've lost out on what was a good relationship with your cousin when you were younger through no fault of your own. I was coming on to echo PP about saying it to her without saying it to her ie with a letter, however personally I struggle with writing it out as it's so jumbled in my head and in anger it doesn't even make sense when written down (i know in theory it doesn't matter as its never going to be sent/read) I found brain dumping into my notes or later chatgpt more helpful along with recording voice notes to actually say the words out loud and get them out of my head to be more cathartic.
Once I had brain dumped and verbally ranted over a period of time it was all much clearer in my head and at that point I was able to write the letter (never any intention to send and I would strongly advise you don't send it, there's no point, she lives in her own reality where she believes the sky is green and the grass is blue and no matter what evidence you have you won't change her stance on things as she's told herself the same lies and justifications for her behaviour for so long she will just double down) I held on to the letter for a few months, I didn't reread it but it brought me comfort knowing it was there until one day I finally burn it and was free.

She was always like this, you probably didn't see it when you were a child, which is normal. You can choose your friends but you cannot pick family.

You have my sympathy for your situation, but your DH and DC are far far better to have close than her and your Aunt. Be thankful you don't have to socialise with them any more.

@ImMissingMum What I've learnt from losing both my parents (a decade apart) after they had long illnesses, is that both times, people close to us behaved absolutely appallingly. I really could write a book. I lost my lifelong best friend when my mum died, because said friend literally never spoke to me again. (This is a different person from the cousin I told you about.) My dad had another partner after Mum died, and as soon as he became unconscious two days before he died, she started being really nasty to my sister and I, and continued for almost nine months every time we spoke. We had worked like Trojans for him for two years and yet she berated us bitterly with all kinds of made-up accusations. She only got away with it because she was/is in her late eighties. And a carer to whom Dad had become very close really upset him on his deathbed. A doctor who was sitting outside the room overheard and raised a safeguarding issue against her with the council. And she cared deeply for him, I know she did! What got into her, I'll never know.

All this is to say, when someone is ill, and then maybe dies, the way that people behave is absolutely breathtaking in its nastiness. And it comes from people who really seemed to care about you/the person! I've come to believe that it's almost pretty normal. It's happened to us twice, and we are not the sort of family who goes around falling out with people.

It's also extremely common to hear of cancer patients whose close friends and sometimes family avoided them entirely when they were ill.

Basically, when these things happen, some people turn extremely nasty, to the extent that I would say it's normal and to be expected. I have NO idea why some people turn like this. I've come to believe that it's people who are just incredibly thick. Too thick to have any empathy for the people who are really affected, so they let out their horror....on them.

I just wanted to prepare you that you might experience more of the same when you lose your dad. I have a big cancer syndrome in my family, and if it happens to me, I'm fully prepared for one or two people to act like complete shits towards me, and that I cannot predict who it'll be.

Human nature is disgusting. It's not your fault. Try to surround yourself with the people of the best character you possibly can.

Burn the letter when you’ve written it. Stomp on the ashes. Write some more letters if you need to as well. Let it out - anger is a big unexpected feeling after bereavement sometimes

Sorry to hear all that @FloofBunny , that's dreadful. I understand EXACTLY what you mean though with regards to this sentence:-

It's also extremely common to hear of cancer patients whose close friends and sometimes family avoided them entirely when they were ill.

It was cancer my sister died of, it was awful, she was so young, it was so aggressive and it was shocking how a few of her friends and my mum's friends just completely blanked her and my mum. We are from a small town and one friend of my mum's literally ran away when she saw us all at a restaurant when my sister had been given a blessed day off from being at hospital. Shocking. Interestingly this woman came to my mum's funeral and because I kept looking down the line up worrying that I was going to suddenly come face to face with my cousin and my aunt I didn't register it was her when she hugged me, she saw the recognition in my eyes and had the grace to look sheepish. Since blanking us after my sister's cancer my mum had never spoken to her again. People can be really weird, odd and hurtful. It's worse though when it's someone you thought would be better than that. I'm sorry you were let down by a professional as well, sounds awful and your poor dad. X

@ImMissingMum Oh, I am so sorry about your sister! How heartbreaking. 😢

I do think that Iris Murdoch said it best: "The bereaved cannot communicate with the unbereaved." To an extent, the people who are so hurtful often know not what they do. They may not have experienced the totally different planet that is bereavement. But that's no excuse for callousness or being actually cruel.

I did find that there were people I could simply no longer connect with on any level after I lost my mum. And I think that's just life. Some day, they will know.

She’s sounds like an absolute piece of work, a user, and an energy sponge.

You, however, are not. You are a kind and decent person, and when your grief is less raw I suspect you’ll want to look back and feel proud at how you handled yourself throughout even when times were awful.

Absolutely continue to keep your distance but dignified silence is the way to go.

I’m so sorry about your mum and your sister too. I won’t go into all the details but when my mum died 13 years ago, her so called best friend behaved appallingly and I was absolutely fuming. I was so cross for how she treated my mum. I rang her and told her exactly what I thought. Looking back, it really stands out as something that felt almost irresistible at the time (having a go at her) but now I feel like I lost my dignity in that moment and I do regret it. I look back and that outburst colours the whole of my mums death and kind of taints the whole thing with ugliness and bitterness…. I would definitely say hold your head high and be proud of yourself for stepping away in dignity and grace. Don’t lower yourself. You won’t feel good about it and she sounds awful and it’s not going to change her, she’ll just get all angst and hostile back and it will cause you even more stress and anger. Don’t lower yourself to her level x

@Hotfeetcoldfeet sorry to hear what you went through

Good advice there OP. There is a great deal of comfort to be had in the knowledge that you would never behave as awfully as your cousin, and that in fact, your cousin and all her behaviour is no longer going to be a key factor in your life from now on, and most of all that you did your best for your mum, who loved you and was loved by you in return

Cut that side of the family off entirely.

They are astonishingly badly behaved.

They don’t deserve your time, energy and certainly not your family money.

I would regard them as dead.

Hope you are doing OK @ImMissingMum - and sending virtual hugs if you are not -
There's no "perfect" way to get through this, just anyway you can.

If you feel the need to I hope you can find someone professional to talk to as well, as I think they have more experience than friends (although well meaning) in helping you deal with it.
Sometimes it can be overwhelming for friends, so at least you'd know that talking to a bereavement counsellor - they are ready and willing to listen and get it off your chest.
But its not mandatory, whatever you feel is best for you x

I'm sorry for your loss OP, the whole situation sounds very difficult.

I think there are things in your OP that don't sound like terrible behaviour on her part, that might feel magnified to you because of other behaviours, while other things she's done are reprehensible. If you address these with her, she'll focus on the small areas where YApossiblyBU.

When deciding whether to confront her, it's worth thinking about what outcome would make you feel better, and how likely it is that you'll get that outcome. My guess is that she'll double down, and you'll come out of the whole thing even more angry. Don't give her that power; say nothing.

She was scamming your parents out of money, that alone would make me cut her off. Don’t give her the satisfaction of contacting her. See her as an irritating little mosquito, buzzing around annoying people, sucking blood and leaving a scar. Sorry for your loss but this is the ideal time to kill off the mozzie by never contacting her again, blocking her and making sure nobody updates you about her life.

I think you are upset but honestly I'm not sure she has done anything wrong. She's clearly been having her own battles and perhaps she perceives you as unsupportive.

Don't rmsebd a message. She's entitled to feel however she feels. She seems like she is upset too and is entitled to feel sad too she can express that in anyway she wishes.

Sorry for your loss. It's a tough time for you. Distance yourself from her as she isn't adding anything to your life

😂 You’re not sure the cousin has done anything wrong? Can you read?

Op, your cousin is an utter bitch.

Block her. Stop trying anything by way of reaching out or contact.

She does not care. You are her whipping boy. Whatever you do, she will turn it against you. You will never have a healthy relationship with her.

I’m sorry you are enduring such loss with losing your sister so young and now your mum. It’s really really hard on you and your dad.

But this is another reason to block and cut all contact with this cousin. She only adds to your grief and misery and pain.

Don’t allow her the satisfaction of knowing how hurt you are. Hold your silence. Be dignified and be the better person. It will never be right but you will only invite a reaction. When does it end?

She sounds like an awful, awful person. Self-centred and self-serving. She isn't going to see the error of her ways if you send a letter to her, if she had been capable of change, then she would have done it by now. The only thing a letter will do is bring her back into your lives with more nastiness and selfishness. Best to keep the distance, grieve your loss and live your lives without contact with her.

You poor pet OP.
You and your father have been through so much.

Your sister sounds like a grifter, conning your father out of money.
I would be tempted to report her to her benefits office for that.
She's a nasty con artist.
I certainly would be telling anyone mutually connected to you, just how much she conned from your poor parents.
She's a horror, never allow her near your life again.
Wishing you well.