Irrationally angry due to grief and want to have it out with a relative who has treated us badly, not seen for five years, aibu to contact?

[ImMissingMum]

So I've name changed for this as I'm quite a regular poster and although I'm not 100% sure, my relative who fell out with my parents and I five years ago could potentially be on Mumsnet, so I don't want to give them proof by being able to check my user posting history.

Also, apologies that this is a long post, I don't want to drip feed.

Basically, my mum died recently, it's been devastating and my dad and I really struggled with her care at the end as she had Alzheimer's.

My sister died when we were in our 20s, and it impacted my parents and I so much at the time and continued to do so after, as I was very close to my sister and she was my only sibling.

A few years after my sister's death I met my now husband and things seemed to get better. My cousin who I'd always thought would be there for me started making nasty comments, passive aggressive stuff about going on weekends away, telling me to be "thankful" I had a boyfriend (at the time) who had a good job, that I had a good job, that I could afford things, that my parents loved me, etc. She was married at a young age and had two lovely children, but didn't have a good relationship with her parents (my mum's sibling).

Things got worse when I got engaged to my now DH, she was asked to be my bridesmaid in place of my deceased sister, her children flower girls. I paid for the dresses etc yet she was very demanding; I also had to pay for her to come to my hen weekend as she said it was too expensive (it was under £200 for the whole weekend), she moaned about the hotel cost for the wedding (despite living less than 15 mins drive from the venue and I wasn't forcing her to stay it was first refusal I offered), she moaned when I brainstormed ideas for a meal the night before that I was deliberately choosing places her children couldn't eat at (I wasn't, my best friend and I were just throwing ideas out, my best friend was the final bridesmaid).

She'd had mental health issues since our engagement and I was worried, she told me two days before the wedding she was feeling suicidal, I was so upset, I tried to see if she'd prefer no front facing role (i.e. be a bridesmaid but didn't need to walk down the aisle if she felt self conscious), she refused. On the day she didn't want the videographer filming her and was very upset about the make up (which everyone told me was beautiful) then told my dad that she had only started to enjoy the day towards the end of the evening.

We had a family lunch the next day for both sides, including friends from overseas and my cousin walked out early without paying, my friend from overseas was horrified and insisted on covering the missing cost as I was just going to pay for the four of them myself. It had been agreed prior to the meal that my DH and I would hire the room for a few hundred pounds and it was then £10 a head for the actual food, and everyone said that was fine to pay that aspect, including my cousin, so I didn't spring that on her.

My mum's Alzheimer's at the wedding was mostly forgetting or repeating stories, forgetting names and needing guided in case she got lost, so I felt a bit on edge on our wedding day, making sure mum was okay as well.

Fast forward a few months and we discovered I was pregnant, I got a lukewarm response and I think because I was missing my sister so much and knew how excited her reaction would have been I blew up via text and asked my cousin, do you even care?!

I got a ranting message back telling me I was selfish and everything was always about me, that her mental health meant she couldn't be happy but wouldn't apologise for that. There was more horrid stuff, saying her friends all agreed and thought I was a self centred person, etc etc. Probably the pregnancy hormones didn't help, but I cried for days after she sent that.

At Christmas a year or so later her family turned up at our house over 3 hours late, my mother in law was very stressed as she didn't know when to have the hot buffet food ready, I then got a message telling me I'd made them feel very unwelcome in our home, even though I'd hugged them all at the door, their oldest daughter had spent the whole time with earbuds in on her phone, her husband refused to talk to us so my DH, my parents and my mil all assumed they'd had a fight prior to arrival! She denied any wrongdoing, but instead said "I regret the behaviour but it was due to being made to feel unwelcome". When I pressed her, she said my mil had "judged" them. Mil was stressed as she was worried about her food being ruined!

I then discovered from my parents that they'd been transferring hundreds of pounds a month to my cousin and her family for years, even before our engagement, because they'd had money issues and because of her recent mental health, they'd kept doing it.

My dad then decided a few months after the Christmas nonsense to stop the money, my mum's Alzheimer's was getting worse and he wanted to save their pension (where the money was coming from) for my mum's care. It was also because he'd discovered via my cousin's DH (he'd let slip accidentally) that she was getting more sick pay benefits than originally revealed. My dad felt tricked.

After he stopped the money, months and months later after very strange, quite cold texts he suddenly got a written letter telling him he had really upset her by not sending a nice enough birthday card (he had, signed by him and my mum with a cheque), had ignored her daughter's birthday (again they had sent a card with a cheque but not a text), that he'd been cruel and it was his fault she was back receiving mental health support.

This letter was a blow to my parents, my mum especially as she was confused and hurt and the Alzheimer's meant she couldn't remember details and just wondered where her niece was.

Despite trying to stay out of the situation, I was blocked, my parents were blocked and that was that. My mum got worse and worse, no longer had her memories, could no longer talk, then swallow. Became incontinent. Social care had to help, it was awful. Then at the end of last year, my mum died. Dad and I were (and are still) shattered by it all.

Mum was rushed to hospital and we missed her death I was numb, we'd been by her side the whole time then when she was moved she died before we got there. Three days of no sleep then when she died I just felt like nothing was real.

I sent a text telling my cousin she'd died and received a really cold response basically thanking me for telling her, no "I'm sorry for your loss", no sympathies etc. I heard nothing from her parents, didn't even get a text, so we assumed they were back in touch. Just to be sure my dad text my aunt (her mother, my mum's sister).

They all turned up at the funeral but didn't come to the line up to see us. Dad and I felt partly relieved, partly upset that even my aunt didn't line up to pay respects. People saw them together and told us on the day. A relative from my cousin's husband's side turned up and revealed that my cousin had posted on Facebook and changed her cover and profile photos to my mum and her; presumably to get sympathy (but she couldn't express that directly to me, mum's daughter). Many people wouldn't have known she'd cut us off five years ago.

Apologies, sorry and thanks for lasting this long. My question is, would I be unreasonable to message her, tell her I know about the performative Facebook pictures (I came off Facebook years ago) and tell her how disappointing I think it is and also how hurt I am at the behaviour and also not even receiving a text from my only aunt about my mum's death? I want to tell her that I feel lost without my mum, it's making me miss my sister too a lot, I've no more female family other than this horrible cousin, I feel so damaged by this but I feel she'd either get a kick out of knowing how hurt I am, my dad too, and my mum when she was alive, she was upset about it. Almost £10k of my parent's money is now in her pocket. They supported her so much, emotionally too, and I just think she is being so horrible and I think she is selfish, I hate how much hurt it's caused me and I feel so angry right now, because I miss mum and my sister. Should I message?

Yes - rant away
No, dignified silence continues

I agree it would not help you to contact her.

Perhaps write a letter, which you will never send, laying out all your very understandable feelings. Then rip it up.

It can help stop the thoughts swirling around your head. Sorry for your losses

Dignified silence. You do not need this woman in your life. I’m so sorry about the loss of your mum 😢

Thank you Endofyear, you're right, I probably was seeing the relationship as a replacement for my sister, especially immediately after she died; I don't think it was consciously, so when I didn't get that from my cousin, it felt so hurtful. Thanks everyone.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum, and your sister. I don't think any good will come from talking to your cousin. She sounds like an incredibly difficult person, and I don't think you can fix these things unfortunately.

I’m sorry for your losses. Write the rant down, then burn it. Ceremonial style. Try to let go of anger - a normal part of grief. No good can come of sending it.

Sadly she sounds like one of those people who are always blameless and never take ownership of their cruddy behaviour. So I don't think having a rant at her will do any good whatsoever, she will twist and turn it for sympathy from others and probably just be cruel to you.

I would instead concentrate in looking after yourself and your dad. You've suffered a huge loss recently, on top of losing your sister and I think it would be nicer to be kind to you, let some things go and give your dad some big hugs. Sorry for your rough ride of it OP. You really cannot chose family, nor control how others act.

Thanks yes, a few people have said that now, I had never thought of that before, I might do that, just write a big, long letter and then then burn it or rip it up. Pretend to post it or something! I feel like I need to move past this anger and just properly grieve.

This cousin operates on a level of immaturity that you don’t operate on. I suspect she has serious executive functioning issues and BPD.

The message you want to send comes from your level of maturity.

the only response that you can possibly get, at best, is one that comes from her level of emotional maturity which is very low. At worst the response you will get will be abusive and manipulative.

This sounds like the type of person who would not listen to any sort of rant, and just make it all about themselves again.

Not worth it. Block & forget.

I think I probably shouldn't have written "rant" in my original message, I think what my thought process was is should I write a message expressing disappointment with all the behaviours and the more recent behaviours relating to my mum's death. But no, all the reactions and comments to this thread are telling me to maintain a dignified silence. Which tbh my gut is telling me too, I just needed to hear it from others and from more than just two people from my life! Best friend and DH have said don't contact, don't send anything, my uni friend said yes, contact. I was leaning more to just not doing anything. I just want to get rid of the anger I feel about it all.

Oh OP, I am so sorry for your losses. It's an absolute tragedy that you don't have your mum or your sister.

I don't think your cousin sounds very nice AT ALL. You're honestly best off without her. If it helps, I also have a shitty cousin. We were great friends all our lives. After a few years, I tried to make up with her and she absolutely did not want to know. (We had fallen out over her husband, who physically and verbally abuses her.) Anyway, after she made clear that she did not want to make up even years later, I left it. My mother had died a year before the fall-out happened, and a few years later, after I tried to make up with her, my dad became ill, shortly after I had reached out to her and been summarily rejected.

There followed two years of an agonising illness before my dad, her blood uncle, died. Also, my husband had left me between my mum dying and my dad being diagnosed. So she knew fell well that I had no mum, no husband, and that I was struggling caring for Dad, and she never reached out once during his illness.

Then she and her whole family took the day off work/school for his funeral, even though she had never phoned him or written to him or visited him or acknowledged him once during his illness, despite living in the same area. They just wanted a knees-up and to see the rest of the family at our expense. They had not one single kind word for him or for me as we struggled through his terrible illness. I did finally lose my temper late in his illness and emailed her telling her she was dead to me forever and she needn't think we were ever going to be friends again. I have definitely experienced some blowback within the family for this, but it was totally worth it and it set me free. We kept well away from each other during the funeral.

I tell you this because I think it was healthy for me to give what-for to someone who had been so awful to me, and I have no regrets. I had nothing to lose; there was zero relationship anyway.

I think your cousin sounds as if she could do with some home truths, too. But be aware that it's a bridge you can't rebuild. If the thought of that brings you relief, as it did me, then go ahead. I felt like a burden had lifted.

I think the best thing is to step back from this abusive person. It doesn’t matter why they do it, the way they behave is financially and personally abusive. And they almost certainly enjoy that it hurts you - so it is really best to let go of this relationship.

No, dignified silence continues.

If you rant, you’ll get vile responses back. An argument will not fix things. An apology from her may but she’s no intention of giving you that.

Something has made her very angry with you - most likely jealousy.

Nothing good will come of contacting her. It won't make you feel any better. In fact, you'll probably feel worse.

Write a letter saying everything you want her to hear then rip it up or burn it. It’s cathartic.

She sounds miserable, ungrateful and bitter. Block her on everything, make sure she has no access to the details of your life. Selfish drama queens hate being ignored, so ignore the sh*t out of her for the rest of your life.

She’s irrelevant, and didn’t deserve your parents care and attention. So don’t give her any more. Imagine her as a tiny voice shouting up from the bottom of a deep well. You just walk on by.

You're grieving the loss of this friendship as well, I think. Yours is a complex story of losses and changing relationships. It's too much to ask yourself to get a clear overview of everything right now.

In a storybook world, this cousin would've been a perfect 'replacement' for your sister; all the more perfect because she had also lost your sister so would share the complications around a happy wedding tinged with grief. While that clearly went sour, it feels like your parents also substituted her for your sister in some ways, supporting her financially as they might their own daughter.

On top of this emotional volcano, you also had grief over your mother's dementia - it's a slow bereavement, sometimes in agonising technicolor - her actual death, and your dad's regrets.

Meanwhile, your cousin's a grabby, desperate bitch despite the various reasons for her behaviour. Your grieving process is perfectly valid on all fronts. As others have said, anger's a normal part of grief and I'm afraid you just have to let it pass. The whole process is horrible; nothing will make it go away and there isn't much you can do to speed it up. Venting at your cousin genuinely won't help you feel better

Sounds like shitty advice (sorry!) but you really do need to just accept the emotions and allow them to pass through you. Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can, be sympathetic to your dad and treat your family well. My warmest wishes.

She's become a sort of symbol in your head for how hard done by you (justifiably) feel. But I really doubt going at her would bring satisfaction. Imagine how you'd feel afterwards; imagine the stress of a dialogue; imagine her dining out on it and spreading gossip about you... She doesn't sound as if she'd see the light and apologise, so you might well just end up more aggrieved.
Write it in a letter, throw the letter away, go for a run.

Won't messaging her just confirm her games are working? Just cut her off once and for all. It sounds like they're all nothing but trouble.

I'm generally a 'dignified silence' type of person, but I went through a somewhat similar situation when my dad died after 18 months on end of life.

During that time another family member passed away. As a result my dad received an inheritance, but his half-sister didn't. It was not my dad's decision, he was not in a fit state to do anything about it and a large chunk of the money went on Dad's care. Nonetheless she cut him off, despite the fact that being 14 years older he'd helped raise her, travelled halfway round the world to give her away at her wedding etc.

When I called to let her know he'd died, her husband picked up and barely spoke/acknowledged the news. They were invited to the funeral, I then followed up to confirm if they would be attending - ignored. They didn't turn up, didn't send a card or flowers, didn't make a charity donation.

The day after his funeral I sent her a message telling her in no uncertain terms what I thought of her disgusting behaviour and blocked her.

Five years later I can honestly say I don't regret it one bit.

She sounds like a deeply unhappy, and subsequently very bitter, person.
It would do you no good to tell her what you think of her, because she won't care. She'll be rude and defensive (speak sense to a fool and they'll call you foolish) thus it's very likely you'll just be left feeling even angrier.
Don't look at it as dignified silence. Look at it as doing yourself a massive favour by avoiding all and any contact with this toxic woman. Forget her. If she contacts you again, ignore her. If you let her back into your life, even slightly back in, she'll bring nothing but misery.

I know some people don't like it, but that chatgbt is fantastic for venting, I've vented away many times on there rather than say somthing I regret to someone

Oh @FloofBunny I'm so sorry to hear this happend to you, it sounds so hurtful and unnecessary. X

And thanks to you all, and @GarlicBound your advice is right and your insight; I think my parents did do a bit of substitution as well as me, it wasn't just financial support, it was emotional as well, like to a daughter. My dad (and my mum when she was alive) were very hurt when my cousin turned on them, I think the worst thing about the horrible letter was my parents actually reached out again afterwards and asked to meet up to discuss things but she said she would only meet up when they were willing to apologise for their behaviour.

So it was an ultimatum, essentially. No comprising or willingness to listen. My dad genuinely didn't know or understand what she was talking about; the accusations made no sense. Many people have said to me after this happened that in her head she'll have "made excuses" to bury the fact that the real reason she was upset was due to no longer getting financial support from my parents. I didn't want to believe that of her for a while, even after we'd all been blocked, but clearly it was that.

@Paperwhite209 I'm so sorry this happened to you as well, what a horrible way for her to treat your dad and you, especially after how supportive he'd been to her during his life.

An interesting thing I found out at my mum's funeral (as well as about the performative Facebook posting) was that the relative from her husband's side said that many of her husband's side have distanced themselves from her too in the past few years, including that relative. All due to similar behaviours; a bereavement from their side and she'd taken offence at not being centre stage. So it's weirdly made me feel a bit better (although obviously I'm still angry, hence this thread) that it's not just been my parents and I this has happened to. I haven't listed all things but there was really quite nasty stuff said to me and no self reflection at the time, which we were all hurt about but tried to put down to her mental health. I do think now it's more than that.

It's so easy to react and fire off with something you may likely regret the minute you've done it so if you aren't sure what to do, just sit with it for a while; I mean there's no time restraint on these things is there! Writing a letter as others have suggested could be a good idea, give it a go.

I think its the unjustness of the situation that is so infuriating; that your cousin will never be 'punished' for what she put you and your parents through and she deserves to know what pain she's put you all through but is she really the kind of person that will understand that? She sounds like she isn't that kind of person and whatever you say will fall on deaf ears and she'll make herself out to be the victim.

Try and find a way to deal with the anger and honestly, if after a while, you STILL feel that you should communicate with your cousin, if it feels right, then do it. But remember "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"...I've learnt this the hard way too.

Writing it here will help. You might need to write it down every day and night in a notebook to help process it everyday.

you need to see a grief counsellor.

right now you are projecting all your pain on this cousin. She can’t ease your pain.

you say it’s more than mental health for her - perhaps this connection or expectation from you and your parents got too much for her and she’s backed off in her own way. Not saying it’s ok. But you can’t change other people only yourself