Irrationally angry due to grief and want to have it out with a relative who has treated us badly, not seen for five years, aibu to contact?

[ImMissingMum]

So I've name changed for this as I'm quite a regular poster and although I'm not 100% sure, my relative who fell out with my parents and I five years ago could potentially be on Mumsnet, so I don't want to give them proof by being able to check my user posting history.

Also, apologies that this is a long post, I don't want to drip feed.

Basically, my mum died recently, it's been devastating and my dad and I really struggled with her care at the end as she had Alzheimer's.

My sister died when we were in our 20s, and it impacted my parents and I so much at the time and continued to do so after, as I was very close to my sister and she was my only sibling.

A few years after my sister's death I met my now husband and things seemed to get better. My cousin who I'd always thought would be there for me started making nasty comments, passive aggressive stuff about going on weekends away, telling me to be "thankful" I had a boyfriend (at the time) who had a good job, that I had a good job, that I could afford things, that my parents loved me, etc. She was married at a young age and had two lovely children, but didn't have a good relationship with her parents (my mum's sibling).

Things got worse when I got engaged to my now DH, she was asked to be my bridesmaid in place of my deceased sister, her children flower girls. I paid for the dresses etc yet she was very demanding; I also had to pay for her to come to my hen weekend as she said it was too expensive (it was under £200 for the whole weekend), she moaned about the hotel cost for the wedding (despite living less than 15 mins drive from the venue and I wasn't forcing her to stay it was first refusal I offered), she moaned when I brainstormed ideas for a meal the night before that I was deliberately choosing places her children couldn't eat at (I wasn't, my best friend and I were just throwing ideas out, my best friend was the final bridesmaid).

She'd had mental health issues since our engagement and I was worried, she told me two days before the wedding she was feeling suicidal, I was so upset, I tried to see if she'd prefer no front facing role (i.e. be a bridesmaid but didn't need to walk down the aisle if she felt self conscious), she refused. On the day she didn't want the videographer filming her and was very upset about the make up (which everyone told me was beautiful) then told my dad that she had only started to enjoy the day towards the end of the evening.

We had a family lunch the next day for both sides, including friends from overseas and my cousin walked out early without paying, my friend from overseas was horrified and insisted on covering the missing cost as I was just going to pay for the four of them myself. It had been agreed prior to the meal that my DH and I would hire the room for a few hundred pounds and it was then £10 a head for the actual food, and everyone said that was fine to pay that aspect, including my cousin, so I didn't spring that on her.

My mum's Alzheimer's at the wedding was mostly forgetting or repeating stories, forgetting names and needing guided in case she got lost, so I felt a bit on edge on our wedding day, making sure mum was okay as well.

Fast forward a few months and we discovered I was pregnant, I got a lukewarm response and I think because I was missing my sister so much and knew how excited her reaction would have been I blew up via text and asked my cousin, do you even care?!

I got a ranting message back telling me I was selfish and everything was always about me, that her mental health meant she couldn't be happy but wouldn't apologise for that. There was more horrid stuff, saying her friends all agreed and thought I was a self centred person, etc etc. Probably the pregnancy hormones didn't help, but I cried for days after she sent that.

At Christmas a year or so later her family turned up at our house over 3 hours late, my mother in law was very stressed as she didn't know when to have the hot buffet food ready, I then got a message telling me I'd made them feel very unwelcome in our home, even though I'd hugged them all at the door, their oldest daughter had spent the whole time with earbuds in on her phone, her husband refused to talk to us so my DH, my parents and my mil all assumed they'd had a fight prior to arrival! She denied any wrongdoing, but instead said "I regret the behaviour but it was due to being made to feel unwelcome". When I pressed her, she said my mil had "judged" them. Mil was stressed as she was worried about her food being ruined!

I then discovered from my parents that they'd been transferring hundreds of pounds a month to my cousin and her family for years, even before our engagement, because they'd had money issues and because of her recent mental health, they'd kept doing it.

My dad then decided a few months after the Christmas nonsense to stop the money, my mum's Alzheimer's was getting worse and he wanted to save their pension (where the money was coming from) for my mum's care. It was also because he'd discovered via my cousin's DH (he'd let slip accidentally) that she was getting more sick pay benefits than originally revealed. My dad felt tricked.

After he stopped the money, months and months later after very strange, quite cold texts he suddenly got a written letter telling him he had really upset her by not sending a nice enough birthday card (he had, signed by him and my mum with a cheque), had ignored her daughter's birthday (again they had sent a card with a cheque but not a text), that he'd been cruel and it was his fault she was back receiving mental health support.

This letter was a blow to my parents, my mum especially as she was confused and hurt and the Alzheimer's meant she couldn't remember details and just wondered where her niece was.

Despite trying to stay out of the situation, I was blocked, my parents were blocked and that was that. My mum got worse and worse, no longer had her memories, could no longer talk, then swallow. Became incontinent. Social care had to help, it was awful. Then at the end of last year, my mum died. Dad and I were (and are still) shattered by it all.

Mum was rushed to hospital and we missed her death I was numb, we'd been by her side the whole time then when she was moved she died before we got there. Three days of no sleep then when she died I just felt like nothing was real.

I sent a text telling my cousin she'd died and received a really cold response basically thanking me for telling her, no "I'm sorry for your loss", no sympathies etc. I heard nothing from her parents, didn't even get a text, so we assumed they were back in touch. Just to be sure my dad text my aunt (her mother, my mum's sister).

They all turned up at the funeral but didn't come to the line up to see us. Dad and I felt partly relieved, partly upset that even my aunt didn't line up to pay respects. People saw them together and told us on the day. A relative from my cousin's husband's side turned up and revealed that my cousin had posted on Facebook and changed her cover and profile photos to my mum and her; presumably to get sympathy (but she couldn't express that directly to me, mum's daughter). Many people wouldn't have known she'd cut us off five years ago.

Apologies, sorry and thanks for lasting this long. My question is, would I be unreasonable to message her, tell her I know about the performative Facebook pictures (I came off Facebook years ago) and tell her how disappointing I think it is and also how hurt I am at the behaviour and also not even receiving a text from my only aunt about my mum's death? I want to tell her that I feel lost without my mum, it's making me miss my sister too a lot, I've no more female family other than this horrible cousin, I feel so damaged by this but I feel she'd either get a kick out of knowing how hurt I am, my dad too, and my mum when she was alive, she was upset about it. Almost £10k of my parent's money is now in her pocket. They supported her so much, emotionally too, and I just think she is being so horrible and I think she is selfish, I hate how much hurt it's caused me and I feel so angry right now, because I miss mum and my sister. Should I message?

Yes - rant away
No, dignified silence continues

She won't get it and you will just feel worse.
As Michelle Obama would say, "when they go low, we go high."

Your cousin sounds very selfish and I am not sure why you have all enabled her for so long. I also think that you are transferring all of your anger and upset over your Mum onto her
No need for any more drama, just back away from her or treat her with polite distance

Sorry you went through this, the anger you must’ve felt is fully justified and I’m glad you don’t regret telling them what you thought

I am sorry for your losses OP, it all sounds incredibly painful. I lean towards a rant, but with it firmly in my mind to ignore/block any reply. It would be purely to let them know what I think of them and their behaviour. Your cousin won’t change who she is with or without your communication, my thinking would be “well fuck it you can hear this then”. I believe in a dignified silence, I also believe in a dignified and thought through angry message at times

I am of course giving you what I would do, you know in your gut what the right thing for yourself is. Whatever you decide I hope you move through your grief with lots of love and support around you

Contacting her won’t make you feel any better. She’s a wrong’un but just ignore her as much as possible. Sorry for your loss.

You know the answer. You put it in your heading: you’re being irrational.

No, dignified silence.

I'm so sorry for your loss, lost my own mum recently and the grief makes you a different person; that grief is also layered with the additional grief that you have lost the version of your relationship with this woman that you thought you had.

Do not say anything to her; you'll expose your raw grief, and make yourself vulnerable and will feel more exposed and raw afterwards. It wont achieve what you hope to achieve because she isnt you; she wont react how you would, and you'll feel even worse.

I'd consider going full NC with her, having no further contact in any situation with her; she sounds a vile human being who is self centred and manipulative.

While your cousin isn't great, I think mostly this comes from grief and I think that's twice over for you.

You are angry because of the loss of your mum and I also suspect that you are angry at your cousin for not being your sister.

She's not the supportive family figure you should have in your life. Most cousins probably aren't but the dynamic is complicated here by her stepping into roles that should have been your sister's.

From your point of view, it would be nice if she recognised this and acted to support you. From hers, it's not her fault and she has too much else going on.

Ultimately if she's not adding positively to your life just don't engage with her - either positively or negatively. It won't make you feel better.

She will absolutely love it if you rant at her - she’ll get the satisfaction of knowing when’s upset you, she’ll put it all over Facebook that you had a go at her “when she was so close to your poor mum”, she will absolutely run with it.

Keep her blocked.

I’m so sorry for your losses.
I pretty much know how you feel because my mum and her sister were extremely close and I was close to my cousins but there was a ridiculous falling out over something relatively petty and my aunt cut all ties. The falling out wasn’t even my mum’s fault!
Anyway, without being outing, my aunt behaved appallingly when my mum was ill and then died and like you, I wanted to tell her exactly what I thought of her but somehow, I sat on it and kept my mouth shout. When I see her now, I just look through her as if she’s a complete stranger to me (she is really).
So as hard as it is, remain dignified and just act as if she’s doesn’t exist.

Write a letter and then burn it.
Get it out onto paper but don't ever let it be seen by anyone.

Just as fires need starving of oxygen, she needs starving of attention. Now, if she comes at you, then let it rip but not until she initiates.

Sorry for your sad loss and having to deal with so much, OP.

Never contact this poisonous woman again. Block her on everything and don’t look back. She is a jealous, unpleasant person who is determined to make you miserable.

If you waver, read your OP back and ask what advice you’d give to your own child if someone treated her this way. 🌸

Cut this manipulative drama queen out of your life, along with her parents. They sound awful!

Sorry for your loss, don’t bother with her, she’s obviously self absorbed and you won’t have any resolution in fact it will no doubt make you feel worse. The best thing you and dad can do is ignore and keep blocked. Never mind her mental health it’s quite obvious that it will make yours worse love. I do understand the need to say your bit, write it in a letter then burn it. It often feels better to get the feelings out if that makes sense.?

@ImMissingMum the thing is, any rant you directed at her would have no effect on her at all. She'd turn it back on you and it would be same old, same old.
Losing your Mum is awful and the grief is all consuming. You're bound to be more sensitive to this terrible behaviour but it really isn't worth your energy.
Bottom line is that there is no family bond from these people. Focus on dealing with your own life day to day, don't engage in any contact and perhaps in the fullness of time think about extending your social circle for female company. I hope you can find some peace before too long.

Oh @ImMissingMum the anger is just palpable, isn’t it? (Lost my Mum in 2024, and the pure RAGE I felt - still feel - at times was just overwhelming)

You probably know that it isn’t a good idea to have it out with her. It’s not going to change anything, and she’ll twist it to garner sympathy. It’s not worth your energy, I promise

Can you channel your anger into something else? Or just scream - scream at the top of your lungs, punch pillows, let it out. It doesn’t cure it, but it helps

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s shit x

Say nothing - she is not going to acknowledge that she is in the wrong and I would fear that it would cause more drama in the family which at a time like this would only be upsetting for you and your dad.

Another recommendation for writing it all down in a letter, call her everything you need to, tell her how disgustingly she has behaved, and then burn it. Nothing you say to her is going to make her see the error of her ways or turn her into any semblance of a decent person and any form of contact with her is simply opening the door and laying out a welcome mat for her awfulness to come back into your life. Because she’d absolutely want to reply. There’s absolutely nothing positive that’s going to come out of that for you. All you’d be doing is inviting her to do her best to hurt you.

I know it’s hard, but she’s given you a gift. She’s made you and your dad see what a terrible person she is. She’s ensured that your dad isn’t handing over any more of his pension to her. And she’s shown you that she’s nowhere near good enough to give you the love you had from your wonderful sister and mum. And she’s now left your life so you don’t have to deal with her shit anymore.

I totally understand why you want to have a go at her. And you'd be justified.

However, she sounds horrible and selfish and I don't think she is going to come back with anything that will help or make you feel better.

There is real power in silence. It's taken me years to learn this.

Stay dignified, retain silent for now. Write it and burn it. You can always send something later if you still want to in weeks/months/years. But for now, put you first.

And I'm very sorry for your losses.

Don’t go to the goats house looking for wool.

This. It's your expectations that are hurting you most here, OP. You've spent a lot of time desperately wanting her to be your sister, and now you're hanging your understandable fury and grief at the loss of your mum on her too because you see her as stealing grief kudos as well as benefiting from regular handouts from your parents. You're giving her way too much power over you.

I don't urge a 'dignified silence' as such. I recommend letting yourself feel just as angry as you need to, acknowledge that in the past you and your parents made the decisions about her that you considered right at the time, but wouldn't make now. But you don't need to communicate that anger to her, because her response will only provide more fuel for your rage. It's enough that you acknowledge it to yourself.

I can see why you feel like you want to contact her- you must feel angry about how she treated your family but at some level you probably would ideally like her to change and have the close bond with you that you thought you had when you were younger.

I agree with pp that a dignified silence is probably the best answer here. I have people similar to this in my own family and they use any contact as a way to make it all about them. I suspect if you do tell them how you feel they will reply with a rant about things they claim you did 'wrong' and will never acknowledge that they haven't been fair with you.
It's not easy. I am in a similar position with members of my extended family who expected my parents to go to great lengths to support them (financially and practically) on the basis that 'family comes first' but didn't even acknowledge by DF's death (I told them all) let alone attend the funeral.

Great advice

I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve been through, it sounds like it’s been incredibly tough.

i that that you should keep a dignified distance and silence though. You are clearly a much better person than she is. Just walk away from it and focus on other things that will help you to feel better.

Hi OP.
I'm so sorry for your losses x

My answer is NO.. under no circumstances.

Write it all down if you must but never send it.

I think you are grieving the cousin you wished she was, not the real person who has for whatever reason that is entirely down to her, behaved very badly towards you and let you down. The person you are grieving for doesn't exist.

I think if you wrote to her, it wouldn't provide you with any solace.. She would wave the lettter around to prove what a victim she was etc... and you might get back some really wounding replies.

Better to leave it. But remind yourself, you were the best daughter and sister that you could be. You didn't do anything wrong. You tried to help a person who for whatever reason, just wasn't able to accept that gracefully and instead lashed out at you. That is her problem. Not yours. She has to live with having personality like that, and that is her payback. You can move on, knowing you did your best and look towards the future. Not seeing her anymore is a good thing because you are not allowing her to continue to let you down. She is the one who has lost out from having a good relationship with a cousin who cared about her. That is not your fault. And at heart, she will regret her actions.

But I agree with you... Don't poke the Bear. She sounds like an attention seeker who has probably missed her negative contact with your family, in a wierd way and it would all start up again.

As to your parents and you all supporting her.. there's two ways to think about it.. on the surface it may seem like they were conned... but here's a better way to think about it and let it go.. At the time, helping her felt good, made them feel better as they would have loved to help your sister but were no longer able to.... so although it didn't work out... it was a comfort to them for most of the time.

Be kind to yourself, focus on yourself and your family unit, All the best