Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end it with a loving man because I hate having sex?

95 replies

therandomUN · 22/02/2026 12:25

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. Had a great sex life for the first few years, he’s great in bed, generous etc. and I was incredibly attracted to him. I still find him extremely attractive but my libido is non existent.

Our relationship has always been steady in a good way, we support each other and make each other laugh, but for 6 months sex has been maybe once or twice a month. I just don’t want it anymore to the point I’m considering ending the relationship. It feels like something I have to do and I often feel repulsed at being touched intimately now. I don’t enjoy kissing him if tongues are involved.

I have tried to give hints that I don’t like it when he uses so much tongue but hasn’t really caught on.

We both work FT but I WFH so 90% of the housework falls to me. It is something we have spoken about but it never changes. He will occasionally cook and unloads the dishwasher every morning but apart from that doesn’t really do anything unless I ask, at which point he will. But I find it tiring that he needs step by step instructions (I.e. instead of just putting the washing in the machine can you hang it out too?) - and frankly am starting to resent him because of it.

He’s extremely loving, generous with his time and money and a good partner but he doesn’t have much get up and go. For example I’ll say to him “Why don’t we do X” or “I was thinking - what if we tried doing ([insert new spontaneous thing/travel destination/moving somewhere different]” and he will just sort of grunt and not reply, so I have to say “So what do you think?” Or “Are you going to say anything?”. I don’t believe he does it out of malice but I find it really rude to have to ask “Hey, did you hear me?” etc.

I feel like it has all suddenly caught up with me and I find myself wondering if I would be happier in a flat on my own not having to worry about having sex and doing all the chores and all the other shit that keeps life ticking.

Do I need a giant wake up call for how good I have it or does it sound like it’s run its course?

OP posts:
Hilllbillbilly · 22/02/2026 12:27

Set him free, you both deserve better.

ScarlettSarah · 22/02/2026 12:29

Perhaps the things you have described have contributed to you not wanting sex? Massive turn off having a lazy partner who doesn't do much housework and never seems to want to do anything fun. He doesn't sound that great. The standards for men are so low.

Ninerainbows · 22/02/2026 12:29

You have the ick, as some call it. Once it had set in I would try and get past it for the sake of a long marriage but got a partner of 4 years I'd end it!

mumofoneAloneandwell · 22/02/2026 12:30

I think that relationship wise, he sounds alright. No point in picking at him not cleaning properly etc

you don’t want sex. Are you menopausal or just uninterested?

are you depressed, have you been to the gp?

I think that, if you’re just not interested in sex, you need to be honest with him and end things. Be direct and clear that it isn’t his fault, it’s just where you are now.

but I’d also sort out what’s causing you unhappiness in life, as you sound quite unhappy in general 🥺 x

MeridaBrave · 22/02/2026 12:34

How old are you? Could loss of libido be linked to peri menopause?

Avocadabra · 22/02/2026 12:35

So he wants you to be his housekeeper, have sex with him but have no life beyond this? Nah. I’m not surprised you’re struggling to have a sexual relationship with man who wants to be mothered by you.

BangFlash · 22/02/2026 12:39

Lots of things can contribute to a loss of libido including feeling unappreciated or put upon, exhaustion, and as others have said general ick.

I'd say learn from it and move on. If you're going to stay - do you want to want more sex? If yes you'll need to figure out what's causing this and address it, if no you need to tell him and he's free to leave.

TalulahJP · 22/02/2026 12:41

i’d be making a list of chores. in detail. on a whiteboard with times thwy need done.
eg: “empty kitchen bin, bathroom bin, kids bin into wheelie on thursday afternoon/evening and drag to the kerb for emptying friday. put fresh bin liners in all bins”

do that for every chore.

that way he can see what all needs doing.

then discuss and allocate. tick off the chores as you go. if he doesn’t do what he should at that point i’d walk away. in the meantime tell him youre too tired these days for sex.

if he pulls his weight you might have more respect and interest in him and sex. If you’re 40s or 50s it could be hormonal and hrt might be the answer. but i’d still get the chores allocated. in my experience men just coast otherwise.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 22/02/2026 12:41

It sounds very possible that lack of libido is because he's a boring useless tosser.

I wouldn't want to date someone like him

First off, I'd stop having sex. You don't want it. Say no.

I'd suggest talking to him about his uselessness but I feel that he won't change. What do you think, @therandomUN?

I'd start making plans to leave

Furandblack · 22/02/2026 12:43

Avocadabra · 22/02/2026 12:35

So he wants you to be his housekeeper, have sex with him but have no life beyond this? Nah. I’m not surprised you’re struggling to have a sexual relationship with man who wants to be mothered by you.

This. He just sounds like a rubbish partner. Lack of lustre for life, lazy in the house (also known as selfish and inconsiderate), can't be arsed to answer you.

I wouldn't want to shag him either.

Original poster
therandomUN · 22/02/2026 12:43

I forgot to add that we both have hobbies so it’s not like we don’t have outside interests. One thing that’s been a sore point is that he has no interest in being involved in mine but I have made an effort to be involved with his.

We had a big argument for the first time about a month back because I asked him for help with the animals (it was a 20 minute job) and he did it but gave me the cold shoulder while doing so.

Again this is something we have spoken about but it hasn’t changed. It feels like we live extremely independent lives aside from the couple of hours we see each other in the evenings.

We’re both early 30s so I don’t think it is menopause.

OP posts:
Furandblack · 22/02/2026 12:45

It sounds very possible that lack of libido is because he's a boring useless tosser

Concisely put.

zurigo · 22/02/2026 12:45

You don't sound well matched as a couple. You have get up and go and he doesn't. He's boring and lazy and you don't fancy him any more. End the relationship - it's not working for you any more.

IfThen · 22/02/2026 12:45

This isn’t anything to do with sex or your libido. You don’t want to have sex with someone dull, passive, lazy, who grunts when you talk to him, and doesn’t do 50% of household chores — duh! Of course you don’t!!! In what universe would this be attractive? Cut him loose and enjoy your life.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 22/02/2026 12:46

You're in your 30s? Christ on a bike. I thought you were both late 50s

Why the heck are you putting up with his shit?

Get rid ASAP and start living

PashaMinaMio · 22/02/2026 12:46

Dull, dull, and more dull.
No effing initiative.
He will never change.
He’s a useless non team player.
Writing out chore lists for him? Is he a child?
Can you imagine the next 20 years with such a dullard?
I know what I’d do.

outerspacepotato · 22/02/2026 12:46

It sounds like your partner is lazy and you're doing most of the scut work and you resent it and him. As for him doing things you don't enjoy sexually, stop hinting and be clear about not liking something.

I agree you sound like possible perimenopause and depression could be factors. You could be screened and get treatment if indicated, but your partner isn't going to change. Maybe take a break from your relationship and see if you feel better without him around.

It's also ok to just be done. You resent him for not pulling his weight around the house, you find him sexually repulsive, those feelings have set in and that's pretty much game over.

Lifeislove · 22/02/2026 12:47

Avocadabra · 22/02/2026 12:35

So he wants you to be his housekeeper, have sex with him but have no life beyond this? Nah. I’m not surprised you’re struggling to have a sexual relationship with man who wants to be mothered by you.

This.
Being turned into his domestic skivvy has killed the desire. It's hard to come back from and, although I hate the word, 'nagging' him to help with basic day to day domestic stuff just flattens any sexual desire full stop.
Don't blame hormones. Someone said on MN once that hormone changes just accentuate the feelings/ emotions that are already there.

MyLimeGuide · 22/02/2026 12:49

As the others have said, it sounds like you are incompatible 💀

blackcatlove · 22/02/2026 12:50

He sounds like a selfish, lazy partner! Who’d want to have sex with anyone treating you like their mother.

You deserve better than this.

EveryKneeShallBow · 22/02/2026 12:50

IfThen · 22/02/2026 12:45

This isn’t anything to do with sex or your libido. You don’t want to have sex with someone dull, passive, lazy, who grunts when you talk to him, and doesn’t do 50% of household chores — duh! Of course you don’t!!! In what universe would this be attractive? Cut him loose and enjoy your life.

Agree with this. Move on OP, life’s too short.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2026 12:51

Sounds like “the ick” to me too.

Furandblack · 22/02/2026 12:52

I don't know why people are blaming menopause when OP outlines quite clearly his extremely unattractive qualities.

babasaclover · 22/02/2026 12:54

Following as in the same situation but have to pop out so can’t reply just yet

Sensiblesal · 22/02/2026 12:54

therandomUN · 22/02/2026 12:43

I forgot to add that we both have hobbies so it’s not like we don’t have outside interests. One thing that’s been a sore point is that he has no interest in being involved in mine but I have made an effort to be involved with his.

We had a big argument for the first time about a month back because I asked him for help with the animals (it was a 20 minute job) and he did it but gave me the cold shoulder while doing so.

Again this is something we have spoken about but it hasn’t changed. It feels like we live extremely independent lives aside from the couple of hours we see each other in the evenings.

We’re both early 30s so I don’t think it is menopause.

it’s Ok to be independent & have your own hobbies. In fact its extremely healthy.

sounds like you are stuck in a rut with each other. Maybe its worth having a conversation with him around all the issues you have.

  • your libido
  • split of chores
  • time spent together

if not having sex is a deal breaker to him then split you will be far happier.

but then think ahead, how difficult will it be to meet someone else if you don’t want sex, if you feel that it wouldn’t be an issue then its less libido & more a partner problem