To end it with a loving man because I hate having sex?

[therandomUN]

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. Had a great sex life for the first few years, he’s great in bed, generous etc. and I was incredibly attracted to him. I still find him extremely attractive but my libido is non existent.

Our relationship has always been steady in a good way, we support each other and make each other laugh, but for 6 months sex has been maybe once or twice a month. I just don’t want it anymore to the point I’m considering ending the relationship. It feels like something I have to do and I often feel repulsed at being touched intimately now. I don’t enjoy kissing him if tongues are involved.

I have tried to give hints that I don’t like it when he uses so much tongue but hasn’t really caught on.

We both work FT but I WFH so 90% of the housework falls to me. It is something we have spoken about but it never changes. He will occasionally cook and unloads the dishwasher every morning but apart from that doesn’t really do anything unless I ask, at which point he will. But I find it tiring that he needs step by step instructions (I.e. instead of just putting the washing in the machine can you hang it out too?) - and frankly am starting to resent him because of it.

He’s extremely loving, generous with his time and money and a good partner but he doesn’t have much get up and go. For example I’ll say to him “Why don’t we do X” or “I was thinking - what if we tried doing ([insert new spontaneous thing/travel destination/moving somewhere different]” and he will just sort of grunt and not reply, so I have to say “So what do you think?” Or “Are you going to say anything?”. I don’t believe he does it out of malice but I find it really rude to have to ask “Hey, did you hear me?” etc.

I feel like it has all suddenly caught up with me and I find myself wondering if I would be happier in a flat on my own not having to worry about having sex and doing all the chores and all the other shit that keeps life ticking.

Do I need a giant wake up call for how good I have it or does it sound like it’s run its course?

Spot the bloke

Cringe, that's a tragic mumsnet response. Up there with "did you mean to be so rude?"!

But surely you were joking that when both residents in a home work full time one of them should be left to relax in front of the TV while the other does all the housework and cooking? Right "Trish"?

Anyone who posted that nonsense is tragic, rude and absolutely should be cringing. Or just messing about.

Cringe, by the way, is a stock Mumsnet phrase. I'm surprised you didn't write "Scarlet for ya!!!"

The OP is here for support, not to be made a joke of with unhelpful responses.

Him not being an equal domestic partner would really really annoy me.

I would likely discuss all of this one with him then see what he says.

This is a really good point.

YANBU. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who acts like an incompetent teenager when it comes to basic household chores? If you need to act like their parent (now we hang the washing out, or it won't be dry and we won't have towels!), then surely the attraction will die. Send him back and find a grown up.

You're together too much.

I just want to say thank you for the replies. I have decided to give it my best go for a few months and then really take stock. At least then so I don’t feel guilty if I do walk away. I’m fully aware that the grass isn’t always greener but also I’m not wanting to fall into the same trap that my MIL has (chronically unhappy, partner all but useless, admits she wishes she’d left years ago…). He does very much take after his dad and I see many of the same traits…

I have already decided I don’t want children anymore. I can see exactly how it would be.

Re Someone said on MN once that hormone changes just accentuate the feelings/ emotions that are already there.

Yes, the hormone changes just mean you don’t have the rose tint on your glasses anymore.

Gosh, I was expecting this to be a menopause thing but then read you’re the same age as me! I think he is the reason for your lack of libido in truth, if you met someone new it would probably return… He isn’t a ‘good partner’, he’s lazy as chuff.

Definitely the ‘ ick’ !
I had this in my marriage- I felt like a nagging parent. There is nothing guaranteed to destroy romance and desire than having to be the bloody mum all the time.
He’s complacent and dull. Get a capable sexy grown up instead.

You've gone him off him op, just draw a line and don't waste any more time.

This should be the fun, non stop sex bit. If you're struggling now pre kids/pre commitments then there's no chance sorry.

He's already free he does bugger all while OP does everything.

I married and had kids with someone like this. Affectionate, loving, generally good natured. Also handsome, tall, clever and funny. When I first got together with him, my friends would all go on about what a ‘catch’ he was.

I overlooked his complete lack of get up and go. I can tell you that it’s really, really hard sharing a life with someone who’s fundamentally lazy with no motivation or ambition to challenge or improve themselves and no zest for anything. That thing about giving you the cold shoulder if you ask him to do something is familiar too.

I look at friends with husbands who have some get up and go and I feel genuinely jealous of them.

The tongues thing gave me the ick too. Really overwhelming and horrible with a side order of resentment. I don't think there's any way back if he's not listening to reasons for the ick I'm afraid.

I think the grass will definitely be greener! You deserve to find happiness and be with a partner that respects you.

I think you need to see expectations for housework and if he doesn’t pull his weight, I would sit down with him and say “is there a reason that you think I’m the only adult who needs to cook/clean/organise/shop..” if he says he doesn’t know how / I always get it wrong - he can watch a YouTube video
‘it’s quicker if you do it’ - he’ll get quicker if he practices

Did you want to have children before? Is it just because of how useless he is that you’re questioning your choices? I agree with you to not have children with him, it would be so hard. If you would like children really, I would think carefully about whether you’d be better off without him, potentially meeting someone else in the next few years and having a family? You don’t want to waste years on him trying to see if it works if you know now that it’s not going to.

Have you decided you don’t want children because of how he is? Maybe he isn’t the one for you- would you want kids if you had a more hands on partner?