To end it with a loving man because I hate having sex?

[therandomUN]

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. Had a great sex life for the first few years, he’s great in bed, generous etc. and I was incredibly attracted to him. I still find him extremely attractive but my libido is non existent.

Our relationship has always been steady in a good way, we support each other and make each other laugh, but for 6 months sex has been maybe once or twice a month. I just don’t want it anymore to the point I’m considering ending the relationship. It feels like something I have to do and I often feel repulsed at being touched intimately now. I don’t enjoy kissing him if tongues are involved.

I have tried to give hints that I don’t like it when he uses so much tongue but hasn’t really caught on.

We both work FT but I WFH so 90% of the housework falls to me. It is something we have spoken about but it never changes. He will occasionally cook and unloads the dishwasher every morning but apart from that doesn’t really do anything unless I ask, at which point he will. But I find it tiring that he needs step by step instructions (I.e. instead of just putting the washing in the machine can you hang it out too?) - and frankly am starting to resent him because of it.

He’s extremely loving, generous with his time and money and a good partner but he doesn’t have much get up and go. For example I’ll say to him “Why don’t we do X” or “I was thinking - what if we tried doing ([insert new spontaneous thing/travel destination/moving somewhere different]” and he will just sort of grunt and not reply, so I have to say “So what do you think?” Or “Are you going to say anything?”. I don’t believe he does it out of malice but I find it really rude to have to ask “Hey, did you hear me?” etc.

I feel like it has all suddenly caught up with me and I find myself wondering if I would be happier in a flat on my own not having to worry about having sex and doing all the chores and all the other shit that keeps life ticking.

Do I need a giant wake up call for how good I have it or does it sound like it’s run its course?

Why on earth do you say ‘how good I have it’? You don’t have it good at all. Is your bar really low for some reason? It’s mundane at best. You’re still young, don’t settle for mundane.

This is spot on.
I was upset by your thread title blaming yourself and the small handful of posters who carried through with blaming you.

when the reality is you don’t want to gave sex with him because he’s not very nice is he?

im not sure what you mean when you have used nice words to describe him but described not a single action that he does that follows through on those words.

As soon as I got to your 4th paragraph I thought “ah, here we go”.

Tale as old as time. “Woman treated like a skivvy and suddenly her libido drops” shocker.

Why why why can’t men catch onto this?

I don’t know the answer though, sorry. I’ve been there.

I’m sorry but this is awful advice. Wouldn’t you rather be single than be with someone so lazy and lacking initiative that you have to adult for them?

Lots of really data about how unequal chores/domestically and emotional labour has a negative impact on women's libido - look it up and send it to him. Make clear achievable requests for change from him and if it doesn't happen, free yourself.

I think it’s safe to say that the posters suggesting that you work on yourself, depression etc, have incredibly low bars for men. Do you not realise that there are men out there who are equally capable of hanging out washing if washing needs to be hung? The low bar cycle continues whilst women keep writing out instructions for men as if their penis gets in the way of behaving like an adult.

You don't need to end it. Talk it through. I haven't had sex with my partner for five years now and we are both happier for it. We bought a house in December it's honestly so much better for us.

Honestly it simply sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Life is too short to be moaning about kissing and tongues and washing etc.

You wont change and neither will he.

Move on, you'll both be happier in the long run.

And just to add. He's not a loving partner , he's bloody awful. And you do not have it good AT ALL

He is à lazy boring zero effort useless partner and over time its chipped away at you and made him less and less appealing.
You’ve now reached the point where his behaviours have made him completely attractive to you. There’s go going back once you reach this bar - it’s over

He's not a good partner though is he. Nor is he supportive. You don't have a good life together so most of your post is just you lying to yourself.

He is lazy, he is selfish, he is disrespectful, he doesn't listen to you, he is not an equal partner, he is not loving, or caring which, when you really think it through, makes him not a good or kind man. No wonder your legs have slammed shut.

It's time to leave OP, unless you really think he will suddenly and willingly change for the better - in which case he has been deliberately mean to you for years and that would be a deal breaker too imo.

There's nothing wrong with you or your libido, OP. Your body has twigged way before your mind that your partner is crap and is stopping you from procreating with him. There is nothing attractive about a passive, sulky man-child, and of course your body isn't going to want to get amorous with a dependant.

I've had similar relationship dynamics in the past, and it took some really good counselling to get to the bottom of why my ideas about what constitutes a good partner were so poor. I'd never accept such an unequal dynamic again.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a child I adopted either, OP.

There's nothing wrong with you. He's put you in the position of being his mother and manager and that's not appealing.

You're too young to waste so much time on a loser.

Why do you think you have it good, I can’t work it out. You’re with a man who repsulses you and you’re resentful as he doesn’t pull his way at home. What is good about this situation?

In your 30s and only 4 years with him... end it, it has run it's course and you'll end up resenti g him so much if you stick around for another decade or two.

I bet your libido will reappear if you were presented with a man who didn't suck the life out of you and give nothing in return.

If I find myself single again I will live alone, or with other female friends, and keep dating and domestic life seperate.

Every time I’ve thought that ‘I don’t like sex any more’ what I’ve actually meant was ‘I don’t like sex with the person I’m currently having sex with any more’

Speaking as someone who left a lovely man (I had kids and everything with him - so MN heresy) life is too short for this!!

Also he doesn’t sound lovely. Sounds like you want to be up and at it and doing things and living with an equal partner or alone. He wants to congeal.

I say move on!

Massive turn off isn't it??

You work full time, cook, clean, take care of the house, he passiveyl does fuck all, causes resentment... The last thing you want is to shag this fella.

Wow, that’s a low bar you have! Who wants an ‘alright’ relationship. He is causing her unhappiness!

Good grief I thought you were going to say you were in your latest 50s.

Get rid of him. Your body has shutdown from dealing with his behaviour. He's not the attractive offer you once thought. There's nothing wrong with your sex drive, you just dont have desire for him and quite right too

He’s giving off hobosexual vibes.

When you talk about living in a flat alone, how does your body respond to that potential scenario? That’s where your answer lies.

I dunno - it sounds to me like these things aren’t the issue, and the issue is that she doesn’t want sex

if he does more housework, it doesn’t sound like she will suddenly want sex 🤷‍♀️

edit, ive just seen op’s added comment about their hobbies. They’re just not a match tbh and at 30, she shouldn’t be feeling this way

End it. You’d be happier the minute you do.

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch. I think you can do better.