To end it with a loving man because I hate having sex?

[therandomUN]

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. Had a great sex life for the first few years, he’s great in bed, generous etc. and I was incredibly attracted to him. I still find him extremely attractive but my libido is non existent.

Our relationship has always been steady in a good way, we support each other and make each other laugh, but for 6 months sex has been maybe once or twice a month. I just don’t want it anymore to the point I’m considering ending the relationship. It feels like something I have to do and I often feel repulsed at being touched intimately now. I don’t enjoy kissing him if tongues are involved.

I have tried to give hints that I don’t like it when he uses so much tongue but hasn’t really caught on.

We both work FT but I WFH so 90% of the housework falls to me. It is something we have spoken about but it never changes. He will occasionally cook and unloads the dishwasher every morning but apart from that doesn’t really do anything unless I ask, at which point he will. But I find it tiring that he needs step by step instructions (I.e. instead of just putting the washing in the machine can you hang it out too?) - and frankly am starting to resent him because of it.

He’s extremely loving, generous with his time and money and a good partner but he doesn’t have much get up and go. For example I’ll say to him “Why don’t we do X” or “I was thinking - what if we tried doing ([insert new spontaneous thing/travel destination/moving somewhere different]” and he will just sort of grunt and not reply, so I have to say “So what do you think?” Or “Are you going to say anything?”. I don’t believe he does it out of malice but I find it really rude to have to ask “Hey, did you hear me?” etc.

I feel like it has all suddenly caught up with me and I find myself wondering if I would be happier in a flat on my own not having to worry about having sex and doing all the chores and all the other shit that keeps life ticking.

Do I need a giant wake up call for how good I have it or does it sound like it’s run its course?

I have been where you are. Your body knows it's over before your head/heart does.

If it were ONLY the sex you didn't like, it might be different. But it isn't, is it?

He's treating your like his mum or a maid. That alone is a huge turn off. Psychologists recognise that this is a huge trigger for lack of sexual attraction in women. If you add that to his lack of drive, he just sounds... unattractive, even if he does have some lovely qualities. There has to be some point of connection between you. And it doesn't sound like there are.

This! Just because someone’s attractive physically, doesn’t mean you have to be attracted to them emotionally.

You don’t like some of the things he does (tongue), you doing all the housework, he doesn’t seem to listen when you mention some of this. It seems like he gives you the “ick” rather than “you don’t like sex”.

I don’t think it’s as straightforward as the OP just doesn’t want sex. She’s unhappy, probably caused by him, ergo she doesn’t want to have sex with him.

I think you'll find @therandomUN that if you end things with him, after a few months, your libido will come back. Been there, done that!

It's totally normal to not want to have sex with someone you have to do everything for because he's a lazy shit.

You’re done lass

get rid

Some of these replies have really made me laugh so thank you. I’m not going to like I was fully expecting to be told I’m being a huge ungrateful cow.

His good qualities are that he will always and genuinely try to make me feel better, he is supportive of my career and does lovely things like leave little notes around the house. Always tells me I’m beautiful etc.

It’s his lack of get up and go that I am struggling with and always have. He never pushes himself with anything - his job, his hobby, his fitness etc. whereas I am the opposite in that regard. He is very much happy to just accept things as they are.

He is genuinely not a bad person but I do recall his mum giving me a word of warning about 3 years ago to take head from her relationship with his father and not make the same mistakes she did…

Could be 🤷‍♀️

from the op it sounds like she just isn’t interested

the relationship isn’t working but also sounds like her life needs an overhaul - I don’t think this man doing housework will make her want sex at all, I’m afraid,

she needs to separate and figure out what she wants from life. I love the idea of living in a little flat alone - I live in a little one with my dd and feel happier than I would being married in a house

best of luck op x

This was exactly what happened to me but I let it go on far too long because we had a child. We were married 30 years snd I’d just had enough when DD went to uni.
was such a chore on weekends, if I didn’t mention going out we would stay in, holiday planning was always my idea. Never any ideas in return. It definitely did turn into resentment as he was also very lazy around the houset too.
im in my 50’s so if your feeling like this in you 30’ OMG get rid asap

I agree. He could be amazing at housework and I still don't think OP would want sex with him. The cold shoulder sulking is not good in a relationship. He is not that great a catch really, it sounds like you would be happier in your space for a while.

I was exactly like this in my last relationship.

Early 30s.
No kids.
Unspeakably dull boyfriend.
Zero sex drive.

I too forced myself to have sex with him, for over a year, and it was fucking soul destroying. Hated myself and him. It honestly felt like I was raping myself with his d*ck. Why I let it go on for so long, I have no idea. Probably self esteem issues.

Anyway, I am in a new relationship now with someone I actually respect and fancy and guess what? My sex drive came back.

Get rid of him; it’s better to be single than in a lacklustre relationship with forced sex.

Yes, I would, I'm afraid.
I hate and loathe sex since teenage years.

I think women are (quite rightly) programmed to not actually fancy a child or someone who needs to be treated like a child. So there's the problem.

If you are considering wanting your own children too, the timing is evolution telling you to pick a better partner for this.

I think it’s important to remember that every single person has good points. Even Hitler. Even Bundy. That isn’t enough to stay in a relationship.

but I do recall his mum giving me a word of warning about 3 years ago to take head from her relationship with his father and not make the same mistakes she did…
Are you making the same mistakes?

It's very rare for a mother to warn a future DIL off in this way OP. Now is the time to be really honest with yourself although once resentment has entered a relationship it's almost impossible to remain. It's a matter of when, not if.

Oh, Lovely… Imagine how much energy he’ll bring to things when you have kids…

Please cut your losses now. Otherwise you’ll be one of those on here in years to come, moaning about having to do it all, and everyone telling you to LTB.
Leave while you have time to find the right one. This one isn’t it.

What an insensitive and unrelated comment. Why bring Hitler into this?

It’s not really about the sex. You don’t want it becuse he’s making your life more tedious and you’re becoming resentful. Sounds like you’re not married/don’t have kids - set yourself free.

It sounds like moving in together killed it.

If the relationship was good before, I'd try and communicate a lot more directly, rather than hinting that you don't like something, then end it if it doesn't change.

Sounds like you may have gone off him. But I just wanted to say the contraceptive pill can cause low libido, possibly other types of hormonal contraception too, so that's worth considering if relevant to you.

He won't get any better if you marry him, and he'll get even worse if you have children together.

Sounds like the relationship has run it's course.

The closing date for a comedian slot at the Edinburgh Fringe was yesterday at midnight sorry.

What a fabulous response to a very ridiculous post! 💐💐💐