DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

OK so having read later updates, this a girl with far greater abilities and cognitive capacity than I had initially realised. I still stand by my recommendation of consulting a behaviour analyst about approaches to behavioural problems, advice for you and the whole family could be very valuable. But given her abilities you can start to do this yourself. First make it clear she gets treated exactly like her siblings. Then set out a list of expectations (not onerous to begin with, just basic things you are not enforcing now, like no swearing or shouting, no being impolite, if you can't decide what present you want then you will get a bit of money put aside for when you do decide, you need to be actively looking for employment or education options AND discussing them with your parents i.e. things that you can clearly define and expect, preferably in writing, cast iron non-negotiable expectations).

Any extras over and above sufficient nutritious food, basic washing and sanitary supplies and a bedroom will depend on meeting the defined expectations. Including ANY money, Internet, phone bills, new clothes etc (I presume she makes some money from the babysitting so she would still have a little for cosmetics etc). Then stick to it no matter what. She will make it hell for a time. Remind her she is in your house and you are delighted to have her there and always will be BUT not with that behaviour.

Believe in her in what way op?

Yes, because by pandering the way you are, you are demonstrating that you don’t believe in her ability to grow up and flourish - you think she’s a toddler to be managed

Why would you believe she can "sort her life out"? She gives no indication whatsoever that she can. She needs help, urgently. She is digging deeper into a hole that many young people sadly do not emerge from. Please help her to get out. "Low demand" is not how the world works. She isnt a goldfish or a lap cat.

That she’ll figure it out when she’s ready?

It just sounds lazy. Your parenting. You’re taking the easy route of doing everything for her and letting her do whatever she wants.

It’s funny how teens with autism have gotten a lot worse at handling the world with advent of gentle and no demand parenting. I wonder how they coped before?? Oh yeah, they learned because they were parented properly.

When will that be and why hasn’t she already figured it out?

Absolutely. I wonder if they would take the same approach if we didn’t have such a generous benefit system. They obviously assume when they can no longer pander to them, the state will.

Thanks for the compassion.

It was the most horrifying traumatic time of my life.

Doesn't that mean she can control herself if she chooses to? In which case it seems she is making the choice to behave badly with you, and "autism brain" is not a valid excuse. Alternatively, especially given how unpredictable babies and young children can be, she should not be babysitting! What would the baby/young children's parents say if they knew all the fuss she'd made about her birthday and the cake? Would they still want her looking after their children? TBH I don’t think I would.

No she won't, because you keep babying her!

Exactly I would not want someone with the level of temper tantrums she has to be responsible for my vulnerable children, either she can control herself and is taking you for a mug as she mean and manipulative, or she is a significant risk to these children, because if these meltdowns are outwith her control, she could have one at any time, and storm off and leave them?

I’m not joking, we have worrying numbers of teenagers who ‘fall apart unable to cope’ unless it’s to do exactly what they want. Imagine what’s going to happen when they’re adults. I won’t vote for a party who wants me to financially indulge them via taxes. Few will.

And at this horrifying time, would you have said it was appropriate for your dc to have sole responsibility for the care of small children?

No, she won't "figure it out". Why would she? She already HAS figured it out in her own mind, she has learned her whole life that "low demands" will be made of her and she has the power to get what she wants or think she wants, which is most likely attention most of the time, by behaving in a dissocial, selfish manner, specifically towards her parents. And she can get away with a lazy, entitled manner regarding her usefulness or lack thereof in the world. Being rude, lazy and selfish works brilliantly for her (only in her own mind and in the short term, mind you, it is your responsibility as a parent to make sure she considers OTHER people's minds and longer term ourcomes). Please stop leaving her to do her own parenting and behavioural control. She can't. Not now anyway.

My dd used to be very difficult in her later teens though in her case due to anxiety and depression. Trying to support and please her was very fraught. One thing I stated saying was that I was not a professional and didn't know how to support to her feel better but professionals did so she should ask them - she did have mental health involvement, though wasn't always willing to be open to it. Maybe you need to say something similar - therapy could help but you can't.

I was also advised by a mental health professional to simply ask if there was anything I could do to help, rather than to keep trying to solve her issues. I found this a really useful strategy. It absolved me from the responsibility to get it 'right', which, like you, I couldn't.

How this might help somewhat in your situation.

You are creating a monster OP.

And as others have said, if she was my babysitter and I learned about her behaviour and "lack of ability to cope" with minimal demand or disappointment at home she wouldn't be babysitting for my child.

I can’t see what incentive there is for her to figure things out. People don’t suddenly reach a magical point in time and suddenly become motivated and capable. You learn and develop from experiences not staying in a cosseted bubble.
She sounds intelligent isn’t she embarrassed to be sponging off you or does she still see herself as a child.
I’d have a conversation about her plans. Start scaling back the financial support. Swap the phone dd to her bank account. Stop the pocket money. Don’t stock the fridge before you go away for a weekend. There’s no incentive for her to launch from such a comfortable nest.
2.5 years of doing nothing isn’t good for anyone and you are enabling that.

Based on results she has this all worked out right now! It’s you that needs to look at this differently!

I think it’s important to clarify that dd is in no way happy with her situation. She feels like an utter failure and it must be awful for her to see her peers and sisters progressing in their lives. I don’t think she’s comfortable at all, she feels awful about herself.

And FFS stop this fuss about birthdays! You are putting emphasis on and allowing drama about things that should be discussed once and once only. "Shall we go out on Friday night for your birthday? Oh, you can't decide. Cool, let me know by Wednesday if you want me to book something, or you could book it yourself". No word by Wednesday? No need for further discussion. "Shall I get a cake for everyone or would you like to get it/ make it? You can't decide? Cool, if you want me to get it please tell me before Friday morning, if you want to bake it don't forget to get the ingredients yourself, or WhatsApp me a list for when I go to Tesco on Thursday, I'll be happy to get them since I will be there anyway". Nothing from her? No cake then, its not a big deal. No need to mention it again. If she wants to talk about cakes, past or present, tell her you are not talking about them now. Ignore any further attempts at discussion.

Of course she isnt happy. Why would she be? You need to HELP her.

You say you've had various forms of therapy as a family.

Have you tried NVR?

DH and I found NVR helpful to set boundaries with our very challenging child. DH is a massive softie and likely autistic himself, and it helped us a lot.

There's no need to rush into dramatic changes but you and DH do need a plan and to stick together on it.

But then she needs a wake up call about how she can change her situation. Right now she doesn't like the idea of access courses but that is the only way of getting to uni which is what she wants to do. She needs to do this or get a job. Those her the options.
If she doesn't feel capable then you need to remind her that she doesn't have autism and that there is no excuse (you have said she doesn't believe in diagnosis). Again she either accepts maybe she does function differently and seeks help for this (someone has mentioned an EHCP can go up to the age of 25?) or she sticks with saying she isn't ND and therefore she has to do what any other young person would have to do and face reality.