Im not sure there is any going back after this discussion. Please help..

[Homewithcheesecrisps]

Im in my mid 50's and desperately trying to navigate a delicate family situation.
I thought we had found a sad but acceptable understanding about it but last night my heart shattered.

Its long and Im really sorry😥

My fiance and I both have children. His are older with homes of their own.
When my partner and I met he was always very proud of his children and vocal ( in a really nice way) about houses they had, good jobs etx. Daughter lives locally, married from uni, lots of kids, married into money and has quite a high social standing. They had a close relationship with him being there at grandkids births, looked after all the little ones for weekends whilr her and her husband went away...all really sweet stuff. She knows everyone, is involved locally with lots of benevolent funds etc etc. She doesnt need to work. Its not an un common set up for where we live.
I cant imagine that there is anything she needs that isnt at the end of her fingers but from the moment she saw me she disliked me (eyes narrowed, snarly comments/ off hand put downs)

I'm a fairly quiet person, the only "past' I have is an ex husband. Ive always worked full time either for charities or similar...Im not known as a drinker or someone that lies or had lots of partners, im not at the local village pub or very well known.(boring boring boring) Ive been married before but this was for almost 20 years. Nothing for a local village to find salacious etc etc. ( also...so what if i DID have a more colourful past..but the fact is, I dont)

After meeting 2...i came home and sobbed. I hadnt cried like that for years. The whole meeting had been snipes and awkward mis placed jabs. I didn't rise to any of it and just chose to see that maybe this 30 year old woman was sort of reverting back to being a teen?
It was just like being back at school..very uncomfortable but i let her sort of "poke" because i guess i was taken aback but also trying to allow her to test waters with me. I didn't and dont have anything to hide so believed that "good would out" or whatever the phrase is.

After meeting 4 which seemed ok! (Ish) The last thing we said was that we would get togetger before christmas and she said she would like to meet my children.
i was quietly pleased that maybe any worries i had were unfounded. He hsd brushed my worries away saying that all was fine...and By this time id been seeing her dad for almost 12 months.
According to him, her and her extended fsmily were known for welcoming strangers into their home, housing them and very much highlighted that they were lovely kind spirited people.

Over christmas and leading up to it, i had a kidney infection and was working full time..so time was limited. I ended up on 2 lots of anti biotics and had a few weeks off work..too ill to remember about 3 weeks of January.
I had no contact with her as we dont have that sort of relationship although hello.was passed on through her dad.

Out of the blue (and this is where it starts making no sense at all) my partner recieved a message saying there would be no more contact involving me.

No explanantion and it was worded in such a way to make this final with no discussion. I hadnt seen her since prior to christmas and it was now March.

My partner tried to talk to her, talk to her husband but it was a simple "we dont need to explain anything to you".
I spent 6 months very low, asking my partner if therr was something / Anything that I could apologise for? I asked him if there was some silly local gossip maybe or maybe sonething untrue being said
The gist was that I was unsuitable company and from that moment i have been cut out.of parties/ get togethers (they are a very sociable and large family that meet for bbq's, roasts with 20+++ ...her anniversary party was over 150 from what i understand ...

My fiance has not known h0w to handle it and over the last few years his contact has dwindled a lot. For the first 6 months i encouraged him but would then secretly cry..as I knew that they all meet up with his ex wife (from 25 years ago) inlaws, brothers and extended family...and my kids and I have been ostracised.

My fiance and I love one another. We have a stable loving undramatic relatuinship.. again, nothing that would turn heads or get tongues wagging
Crucially..throughout this unhappy situation, ive asked him numerous times
If there is anything I can do or anything that he knows about what/why etc, as im trying to quietly untangle what went wrong.

He has maintained that it was nothing i did, nothing was relayed to him, nothing i could do to put it right.

I have settled into a sort of tentative acceptance that I can put down to her not liking me...but i still find it difficult that I have been shunned. ( as have my own children through default)

I dont know if worth saying, but there was no alcohol or anything like that at our meet ups, so nothing odd said when drunk... nothing deeply discussed...i must have said something wrong somewhere but i am at a loss.
A complete loss. I have doubted myself, cried; reflected.
... She has the right to feel however she wishes and really, what she thinks of me, was none of my business...but the vitreol has been awful. Its awful for my partner and I can see strain in his eyes.

Lots will say "you dont need any sort of relationship with his daughter" and you"d be right. I guess lots of families rub along with someone they arent that fond of?
Out of respect for her dad we could have found some common ground...
Id have quietly sat through the odd christmas meal or washed.up after the odd "do".... i worked full time so wasnt around in the day so not able to interfere with family.plans or meet ups with her dad so i dont think time with her dad was an issue.

Several years on, my fiance and i were talking abiut it. I said how sad it all was .

This next bit really took me aback.
He stated that his daughter 'supported our relationship"
I asked him how she did this and he kept repeating that she had stated she did 😔
He also stated that I "at some point decided that I didn't like her"🥹
I assure you that this thought did creep into my mind after my children and I were shunned from the family...but before this i was gently getting to know her at that was all.

The worst was that I "clearly said or did something during the meetups to have CAUSED this"

This would be logical wouldnt it..that i said or did somethung so catastrophic that I am not allowed near them....but he made me believe he had my back about this abd re assured me for a long long time.

He won't expand, says his daughter wont discuss it at all and hasnt divulged a scenario. So nothing new has happened.

I feel like the last few years have been a lie. I feel like he has felt so in the middle of us; that he has just placated us both...and worst of all i am now wondering if we have a future at all.

We have just bought a house togetjer and my children are at crucial points in college/ career, both living at home.
I cant break the home up but my heart is absolutely shattered. No one will tell me or can explain what i said or did..ive never been accused of anything like this before.
The only thing I can do is calmly carry on for now as the kids deserve calm but i can hardly look at the man I love as I feel so betrayed.

This is awful, actually, I'm so sorry. They all sound vile. And now you're a bit trapped. I hope someone has some advice for you but couldn't read and ignore.

I wonder if he’s always been on the same side as you (thinking she was unreasonable and that she’d come round etc) but is now back tracking and trying to blame you for their lack of relationship, rather than always thinking this way.

How long have you been together?
Is there a big age gap between you and DH?

I find it quite odd that DH didn’t try harder to get to the bottom of what her problem was and I’d worry that he knew more than he let on.

I’d be concerned that he’s going to blame you and start resenting you for it.

It's not you, its them. Its definitely them. His daughter is a nasty bully and he is weak.

Two things to think about here.

Firstly, she and her extended family are not your family. You haven’t joined their family. I don’t mean to be nasty, and I get that you feel left out, but actually just because he’s your family doesn’t mean all his family are your family. Otherwise the family network would expand beyond counting! You wouldn’t expect your sister to invite all his extended family to your niece’s bday party, would you? The ties become a bit tenuous, and in your case there is only one connection, your partner.

Secondly, you have dc and a home and partner that you need to focus on. He’ll occasionally go off on visits to the other half of his family, as will you to yours, but the key part of your family is the group you live with. Don’t explode that over a bunch of people who just aren’t that relevant to you.

This isn't a you problem OP, its a them problem. Don't waste anymore of your precious life wondering what you did to upset her. Anyone reasonable would have tried to work it out for your partner's sake but clearly she is selfish and childish. If he is now blaming you for things going sour, I would be asking him exactly what you did to cause the banishment if it is your fault.....it clearly isn't your fault though.

Have you posted about this before?

This whole set up sounds exhausting. Controlling daughter with high social standing excludes stepmum, apparently for no reason. Your partner is an enabler and you are being passive. I wonder would you be so desperate for acceptance by his daughter if she didn’t have the ‘status’? Just leave OP, you are wasting your life on this bizarre family dynamic.

You seem to have covered all bases in terms of possible scenarios where you could have caused upset by saying or doing something, and you mention she was cold from the off so almost certainly a her issue and not you.

The only other thing I can think of… does your fiancé have money? If so, did her behaviour change after you were engaged? Are you significantly younger than him, given your kids sound younger than her? I only ask because you mention her liking a particular type of lifestyle and I’m wondering if she sees you and your kids as a threat to possible inheritance.

I would feel devastated as well by him. It's a betrayal.

You've done a lot of crying in the years since you met this man. It all sounds a bit sad. You've bought a house together, but you can easily sell it again and split up if you really want to. Would you rather be single again?

Dump him. Your kids will be fine.

Yes my guess is that it is somehow about money and inheritance. StepD assumes her father will leave everything to you and then you will eventually leave it to your children.

It sounds like he has other children too. Are they all like this with you or just her? If the other children are friendly could you ask them at all?

I think I would have had it out with him years ago. I wouldn’t have put up with that treatment as long as you have tbh. So it all seems a bit late to be in this position now, several years later with nothing resolved.

He must know the reason as no-one does that for nothing. He was just a coward.

OP, I would be angry in this situation rather than spend hours blaming myself or crying. Some people are just nasty characters, you don't have to try and understand them. Just accept this daughter is not part of your life (and she doesn't have to be).

But your partner blaming you now is unacceptable. I would be asking why on earth does he think it is OK for him to backtrack from his previous admission that it is not your fault? Tell him, whilst you support his relationship with his daughter, you are not going to get caught in the middle of that drama.

It sounds as though you are afraid of disturbing something you feel is great I e. This relationship, but actually you need to put your foot down and say you will not accept being blamed for something you didn't do. Don't make yourself victim to this family.

I would stop wasting any more tears on this man or his awful daughter. Break ties and move on.

Your partner has treated you disgracefully. I cannot believe he would let his adult daughter treat you this way.

They are the problem, not you.

You need to move on. Build a new life without him, focus on you and your children. No more crying op, the people making you feel that bad don’t deserve you in their lives.

I’ve had similar treatment from my oh’s mother and sister over 20 years. It’s been terrible and I no longer speak to them to protect myself. I was deemed unsuitable from the very start. The being in the room with them as they blank me for three hours and going home and crying sounds very similar to your situation.

I think this is probably ultimatum time. Either he gives you a clear and final answer about what you’ve “done” (following which you can decide whether or not to try to make amends) or you tell him to piss off and leave the house.

Personally I would have hoped that you could both just decide that you go NC with the rest of his family and he can see them on his own if it suits you both (and TBH she sounds like a poisonous bitch so I’d be happy with that) but that’s not going to work if he changes the narrative and makes it “your fault” on the basis of no evidence at all.

I think inheritance is the issue here as well tbh. By moving in with you etc he's essentially tied what would have been her inheritance to you and you could easily disinherit her if you got married and he died before you. Some people are extremely financially minded.

I think op if you'd said something that was bad enough to be worth cutting you out so completely then you'd know, or he would know. So I think this is her issue but he's not actually done enough to try to resolve it and put his foot down which is a bit of a betrayal really. He's sat in the middle and made a mess of it in the process.

It’s definitely about inheritance. It sounds like your partner is weak, but stuck with a nasty daughter. Be more breezy. You did not do or say anything that could have caused this. He should be able to keep a relationship with his daughter, but you don’t need to be involved in with this. You have your own family to think about. If you want to stay with him you should, but clear lines and no more crying.

Your fiance is a weak man who doesn't have your back with his family.

He was willing to see you bullied and ostracized, yet he's cool to buy a house with you and now blame this all on you.

Where you messed up was getting in even deeper with him after you saw he has no intention of at least telling his daughter to be civil. She doesn't have to like you but she does have to be civil.

This next bit really took me aback.
He stated that his daughter 'supported our relationship"
I asked him how she did this and he kept repeating that she had stated she did 😔
He also stated that I "at some point decided that I didn't like her"🥹
I assure you that this thought did creep into my mind after my children and I were shunned from the family...but before this i was gently getting to know her at that was all.
The worst was that I "clearly said or did something during the meetups to have CAUSED this"

He's gaslighting you now. This is not going to get better.

Is there a big age and income gap here?

I agree with PP, it's time to move on from the whole shabby lot of them. She is vile and probably jealous and he is weak. Stuff them all. Walk away and let them swivel.

Is this to do with inheritance if he dies?

Thanks for the replies. Its been 24 hours and my partner has had a think and has now stated that he has to come to terms with the fact his daughter "isn't who he thought she was" that he cannot get his head around how for his sake, after all he does for them, she couldn't have just kept quiet. He hasnt seen her for some time and doesnt want to spend time with her😔

My response has been that none of this nonsense was needed..and that I didnt want to be anyone's friend, just wanted to quietly blend in when required at the odd family get together!
Its a very odd set up over there where certain people are given the benefit of the doubt ie one of the grandchildren in particular is quite mean to other kids, especially quieter ones..and this has never been challeneged. Everyonr tends to get what they want and there are unending suopport networks and money. I dont think she ever gets the thin end of the wedge at all as everyone just says yes to her.

He has now apologised and said he was clumsy, wrong & was trying to talk his thoughts out loud and shouldnt have done as his conclusion is that his daughter is acting terribly.
Yes, she is unfortunately.

Inheritance wise, not that anything is ever guaranteed (frankly whoever's money it is might rightfully spend it all in their lifetime) but at the moment I have maybe twice his currrent assests worth of family money behind me left in a will and one third of another house from another parent (not guaranteed or expected but i am aware and i a have LPOa and acess to both wills)

As for the house, we are putting 50:50 into it..and I will be working full time.
I believe his other house will be split between his children.
I do think, sadly, that it is about his money. His children haven't spent the time to get to know me...so have no idea about my finances. They probably do think im after some money. What a shame. Thank you everyone.

Sometimes there is no specific reason that makes any sense . The daughter sounds like an indulged princess tbh and I would have expected your partner to have been stronger with her eg you are a good person , he has chosen you as his life partner and he expects daughter to be civil even if she can’t be friends .
If you have done everything reasonable to get on with her I’d just say get on with your own life and stop letting her enter your head . You have your own children and a good life , concentrate on those .