Im not sure there is any going back after this discussion. Please help..

[Homewithcheesecrisps]

Im in my mid 50's and desperately trying to navigate a delicate family situation.
I thought we had found a sad but acceptable understanding about it but last night my heart shattered.

Its long and Im really sorry😥

My fiance and I both have children. His are older with homes of their own.
When my partner and I met he was always very proud of his children and vocal ( in a really nice way) about houses they had, good jobs etx. Daughter lives locally, married from uni, lots of kids, married into money and has quite a high social standing. They had a close relationship with him being there at grandkids births, looked after all the little ones for weekends whilr her and her husband went away...all really sweet stuff. She knows everyone, is involved locally with lots of benevolent funds etc etc. She doesnt need to work. Its not an un common set up for where we live.
I cant imagine that there is anything she needs that isnt at the end of her fingers but from the moment she saw me she disliked me (eyes narrowed, snarly comments/ off hand put downs)

I'm a fairly quiet person, the only "past' I have is an ex husband. Ive always worked full time either for charities or similar...Im not known as a drinker or someone that lies or had lots of partners, im not at the local village pub or very well known.(boring boring boring) Ive been married before but this was for almost 20 years. Nothing for a local village to find salacious etc etc. ( also...so what if i DID have a more colourful past..but the fact is, I dont)

After meeting 2...i came home and sobbed. I hadnt cried like that for years. The whole meeting had been snipes and awkward mis placed jabs. I didn't rise to any of it and just chose to see that maybe this 30 year old woman was sort of reverting back to being a teen?
It was just like being back at school..very uncomfortable but i let her sort of "poke" because i guess i was taken aback but also trying to allow her to test waters with me. I didn't and dont have anything to hide so believed that "good would out" or whatever the phrase is.

After meeting 4 which seemed ok! (Ish) The last thing we said was that we would get togetger before christmas and she said she would like to meet my children.
i was quietly pleased that maybe any worries i had were unfounded. He hsd brushed my worries away saying that all was fine...and By this time id been seeing her dad for almost 12 months.
According to him, her and her extended fsmily were known for welcoming strangers into their home, housing them and very much highlighted that they were lovely kind spirited people.

Over christmas and leading up to it, i had a kidney infection and was working full time..so time was limited. I ended up on 2 lots of anti biotics and had a few weeks off work..too ill to remember about 3 weeks of January.
I had no contact with her as we dont have that sort of relationship although hello.was passed on through her dad.

Out of the blue (and this is where it starts making no sense at all) my partner recieved a message saying there would be no more contact involving me.

No explanantion and it was worded in such a way to make this final with no discussion. I hadnt seen her since prior to christmas and it was now March.

My partner tried to talk to her, talk to her husband but it was a simple "we dont need to explain anything to you".
I spent 6 months very low, asking my partner if therr was something / Anything that I could apologise for? I asked him if there was some silly local gossip maybe or maybe sonething untrue being said
The gist was that I was unsuitable company and from that moment i have been cut out.of parties/ get togethers (they are a very sociable and large family that meet for bbq's, roasts with 20+++ ...her anniversary party was over 150 from what i understand ...

My fiance has not known h0w to handle it and over the last few years his contact has dwindled a lot. For the first 6 months i encouraged him but would then secretly cry..as I knew that they all meet up with his ex wife (from 25 years ago) inlaws, brothers and extended family...and my kids and I have been ostracised.

My fiance and I love one another. We have a stable loving undramatic relatuinship.. again, nothing that would turn heads or get tongues wagging
Crucially..throughout this unhappy situation, ive asked him numerous times
If there is anything I can do or anything that he knows about what/why etc, as im trying to quietly untangle what went wrong.

He has maintained that it was nothing i did, nothing was relayed to him, nothing i could do to put it right.

I have settled into a sort of tentative acceptance that I can put down to her not liking me...but i still find it difficult that I have been shunned. ( as have my own children through default)

I dont know if worth saying, but there was no alcohol or anything like that at our meet ups, so nothing odd said when drunk... nothing deeply discussed...i must have said something wrong somewhere but i am at a loss.
A complete loss. I have doubted myself, cried; reflected.
... She has the right to feel however she wishes and really, what she thinks of me, was none of my business...but the vitreol has been awful. Its awful for my partner and I can see strain in his eyes.

Lots will say "you dont need any sort of relationship with his daughter" and you"d be right. I guess lots of families rub along with someone they arent that fond of?
Out of respect for her dad we could have found some common ground...
Id have quietly sat through the odd christmas meal or washed.up after the odd "do".... i worked full time so wasnt around in the day so not able to interfere with family.plans or meet ups with her dad so i dont think time with her dad was an issue.

Several years on, my fiance and i were talking abiut it. I said how sad it all was .

This next bit really took me aback.
He stated that his daughter 'supported our relationship"
I asked him how she did this and he kept repeating that she had stated she did 😔
He also stated that I "at some point decided that I didn't like her"🥹
I assure you that this thought did creep into my mind after my children and I were shunned from the family...but before this i was gently getting to know her at that was all.

The worst was that I "clearly said or did something during the meetups to have CAUSED this"

This would be logical wouldnt it..that i said or did somethung so catastrophic that I am not allowed near them....but he made me believe he had my back about this abd re assured me for a long long time.

He won't expand, says his daughter wont discuss it at all and hasnt divulged a scenario. So nothing new has happened.

I feel like the last few years have been a lie. I feel like he has felt so in the middle of us; that he has just placated us both...and worst of all i am now wondering if we have a future at all.

We have just bought a house togetjer and my children are at crucial points in college/ career, both living at home.
I cant break the home up but my heart is absolutely shattered. No one will tell me or can explain what i said or did..ive never been accused of anything like this before.
The only thing I can do is calmly carry on for now as the kids deserve calm but i can hardly look at the man I love as I feel so betrayed.

To be fair I think it sounds as though your DH is now being quite reasonable.

I think it might be best to draw a boundary where you basically agree that you won’t have any contact with her, and that if he does he does it in his own time and keeps you out of it.

She is obviously in the wrong but in a way if the rest of the relationship is good it would be a shame to let her spoil things.

Of course your DH should be in no doubt that if he does this again or tries to blame you, the outcome might be very different.

Of and obviously make sure that all wills, deeds, powers of attorney, funeral plans etc are absolutely watertight because if she’s awful now, imagine how much worse she might get in the future.

OP, this is a bit mad. Everyone involved seems to be being insanely melodramatic. Is this how you really want your life to be? Wouldn’t you rather cut loose from the whole sorry mess?

I wouldn't give it any more thought. She didn't like you and probably wouldn't have liked anyone who got close to her dad and she's probably close to her mum, so you will always be the other woman.

For the love of GOD do NOT marry this person. If you must continue the relationship then do, but marriage will mean all your money goes to him if you die first. No one changes their mind in 24 hours. Either he saw this thread or something you said made him realise you were getting cold feet. You are wealthier than him - he stands to gain a lot by the marriage whereas all you gain is a load of grief. As for his daughter, for the love of god stop trying to work out what you did wrong. You obviously didn't do anything wrong. She is a nasty little bitch who has treated you appallingly and neither you nor you partner have stood up to her.

I agree with previous poster! Do not marry this man!!

Is there an age difference between you and your partner?

Of course it could be that you did offend her in some way, she offended you. It might just be you are by your statements quiet and unassuming, she may have taken that as uninterested or even rude. You have always worked and she doesn't she may have taken that as a slight. It's really difficult to know what innocent comment might hit a raw nerve with someone you barely know, who lives a totally different lifestyle.

@Homewithcheesecrisps glad you've resolved this with DP. His daughter sounds vile.
Just make sure you have a will/trust in place that makes sure his previous family will never get any of your financial assets.

You’ve posted this previously. What are you now hoping for, different advice?

Came on here to also say do not marry this man. Protect your children's inheritance and stay unmarried.

I don't think there is much of a future for the two of you in the long run unfortunately. I just don't think it's fair or possible for your DP to choose between you and keeping you separate for the rest of his life ins't an option either. This is not your fault of course, but I do think it will have run its course before too long. She might not be the kindest of people, but she is his blood.

@Homewithcheesecrisps this is on them. And him. He should have dealt with it. If you did do something, it should have been addressed sooner. Frankly I’d be telling him no, I didn’t say anything and if someone thought different why let it fester? You need to take control here/be less passive and state you accept you won’t have a relationship with his family and leave them to it. Tell him you no longer want one with them. I’m not in favour of being argumentative generally but being this passive lets them think you kind of agree it’s your fault because you are not defending yourself or being clear that their actions are indefensible.

They have treated you terribly and sound absolutely awful!

They are a bunch of vile snobs and you don't want to be anywhere near any of them and neither do your DC.
As for your spineless OH he would rather believe ill of you than the truth and I am not sure how you live with that

You need to stop questioning what you think you might have said or don't it's not helping you. It's her not you.

Secondly, you have dc and a home and partner that you need to focus on. He’ll occasionally go off on visits to the other half of his family, as will you to yours, but the key part of your family is the group you live with. Don’t explode that over a bunch of people who just aren’t that relevant to you.

I agree with this.

The daughter is a manipulative woman and you are better off without her in your life. Let her stew.

It is hard for your partner to negotiate this and his daughter is wrong to put him in this uncomfortable situation.

Don't let her make you cry! - she's not worth it.

Concentrate on your current family unit and let the rest wash by ...

If you love your partner and he loves you, you will find a way through this.
He is never going to be able to see his daughter in her true colours, it will just be too painful for him.
He has accepted that she isn’t perfect and if I were you, I would try and be content with that.
Do try to stop wracking yourself with questions over your own behaviour. I doubt that you ever put a step out of place.
I guess that the daughter would never have accepted any partner of her father.
She guards her relationship with him in a precious and jealous way. It’s a character flaw in her not you.
I have been through a similar situation. I experienced similar feelings to you. I tried to forge a relationship with the other person, thinking I could win them around with kindness. I believed as they had no reason to feel so hostile to me that eventually their animosity towards me would abate. It never has and I have known them over forty years now.
I too, used to be furious with my partner and would try to make him see my point of view. He could never see the situation clearly without bring prejudiced towards the other person, particularly in the early years.
However, we have always had a wonderful relationship in every other way and I learned it was detrimental to try and influence his view of the other person.
As the years have gone on the scales have fallen from his eyes quite naturally. He sees the other person in their true light now.
I have forged an outwardly amicable though distant relationship with the other person although I am in no doubt that under the vaneer of civility, they bear a great deal of jealousy and animosity towards me.
I disregard this! It’s their problem and I refuse to let them disturb my equilibrium.
I do hope you find some peace within your situation too.

I don’t think you should get married. If you split up, he’ll get half your property. And if you die first it could all end up going to the nasty daughter. There is a real chance that your DC end up with nothing.

At the minute shes living rent free in a penthouse in your mind - its time to serve an eviction notice!

You need to find a way to manage this.
A good first step is some therapy to help you develop techniques to manage this because it would be crazy to blow your life up over her bad attitude

And Yes, This is 100% about money / inheritance.

If you work in charity and they dont know youve inherited they think you have 2p to rub together.

You say fiance have you set a date for the wedding?

This exactly. Even if you had got on with the daughter you may never have been invited to all her ‘do’s’. Do you get on with the ex-wife who is also attending all these events? Do you think they don’t invite you not to make things awkward for her mother.

I liked my stepmother but didn’t feel the need to invite her to anything I was hosting. Especially if my family and my mothers side were also going to be there. Edited to add my father wasn’t invited either but I liked her more than I did him in the end.

Focus on your family and your relationship. I agree with you that she hasn’t behaved well and if she had an issue it would have been better to have it all out in the open.

Don’t marry this man, keep your assets for your children.

Make sure your half of house does not go to him.

I think we do need more info on who attended and organised these get togethers and whether the DSD’s mum attends.

But I also think if OP organised get togethers and didn’t invite the DSD, she would be accused of being mean.

Sometimes it doesn't matter than the adult children are all grown adults, behaving like children about someone "stealing their Daddy" isn't uncommon. And you described a very close relationship with his daughter, so his decision to spend time with you rather than her has clearly become a problem. Add in that your kids live with him, and thats added pain potentially.
People aren't always rational, and none of this is about you or your actions.

Agree with this.

My only thoughts are - did the fallout start around the time you bought a house together/or said that you were doing so? I wonder whether she is just peeved because she is worried about her share of her father’s estate (not that she needs it) and therefore it really isn’t personal because she would likely have cut anyone out who got engaged to/married to her father.

I think this too, it’s to do with her mum. They don’t want their dad’s “new woman” (and kids) being at family events. Doesn’t matter how long they’re divorced… This is the daughter’s POV.

She sounds status conscious, desperate for social approval. Perhaps she sees you as not having the social status she likes and she has manufactured this 'rift' as an excuse not to have to include you in her social circle. There are people who only want to mix with those they think have social ' status ' because in their minds it reinforces their own self worth. As there is no apparent ' incident' that caused this, I'm guessing she just took a dislike to you because you were the ' wrong' sort of person in her eyes. And i think your husband is weak for not suppporting you. What's all this fiance stuff too? It's a very weird position to be in if you have been a long term fiance. Sounds to me like your whole relationship is on uncertain ground. I'd leave if you can manage it. I think you are being treated like shit and you should dump the lot of them, including your weak and ineffectual husband. They sound absolutely ghastly..

I understand how upsetting this situation is for you.
I would protect my assets in this situation and not marry this man.
Now that you have bought a home together he has you 'trapped' and it is now that he changes his tune about who has caused this problem with his daughter.

Within 24 hrs he has changed back to the old tune - seemingly when you have started to question why he would suddenly side with his daughter.

He is messing you around.

You don't need to marry this man. It will be easier to get rid of him and keep what is yours if/when the relationship falls apart.

It would be a huge error to marry this man. Your partner needs to consistently have your back and he doesn't.

Why would you want to marry into this toxic crap?