Im in my mid 50's and desperately trying to navigate a delicate family situation.
I thought we had found a sad but acceptable understanding about it but last night my heart shattered.
Its long and Im really sorry😥
My fiance and I both have children. His are older with homes of their own.
When my partner and I met he was always very proud of his children and vocal ( in a really nice way) about houses they had, good jobs etx. Daughter lives locally, married from uni, lots of kids, married into money and has quite a high social standing. They had a close relationship with him being there at grandkids births, looked after all the little ones for weekends whilr her and her husband went away...all really sweet stuff. She knows everyone, is involved locally with lots of benevolent funds etc etc. She doesnt need to work. Its not an un common set up for where we live.
I cant imagine that there is anything she needs that isnt at the end of her fingers but from the moment she saw me she disliked me (eyes narrowed, snarly comments/ off hand put downs)
I'm a fairly quiet person, the only "past' I have is an ex husband. Ive always worked full time either for charities or similar...Im not known as a drinker or someone that lies or had lots of partners, im not at the local village pub or very well known.(boring boring boring) Ive been married before but this was for almost 20 years. Nothing for a local village to find salacious etc etc. ( also...so what if i DID have a more colourful past..but the fact is, I dont)
After meeting 2...i came home and sobbed. I hadnt cried like that for years. The whole meeting had been snipes and awkward mis placed jabs. I didn't rise to any of it and just chose to see that maybe this 30 year old woman was sort of reverting back to being a teen?
It was just like being back at school..very uncomfortable but i let her sort of "poke" because i guess i was taken aback but also trying to allow her to test waters with me. I didn't and dont have anything to hide so believed that "good would out" or whatever the phrase is.
After meeting 4 which seemed ok! (Ish) The last thing we said was that we would get togetger before christmas and she said she would like to meet my children.
i was quietly pleased that maybe any worries i had were unfounded. He hsd brushed my worries away saying that all was fine...and By this time id been seeing her dad for almost 12 months.
According to him, her and her extended fsmily were known for welcoming strangers into their home, housing them and very much highlighted that they were lovely kind spirited people.
Over christmas and leading up to it, i had a kidney infection and was working full time..so time was limited. I ended up on 2 lots of anti biotics and had a few weeks off work..too ill to remember about 3 weeks of January.
I had no contact with her as we dont have that sort of relationship although hello.was passed on through her dad.
Out of the blue (and this is where it starts making no sense at all) my partner recieved a message saying there would be no more contact involving me.
No explanantion and it was worded in such a way to make this final with no discussion. I hadnt seen her since prior to christmas and it was now March.
My partner tried to talk to her, talk to her husband but it was a simple "we dont need to explain anything to you".
I spent 6 months very low, asking my partner if therr was something / Anything that I could apologise for? I asked him if there was some silly local gossip maybe or maybe sonething untrue being said
The gist was that I was unsuitable company and from that moment i have been cut out.of parties/ get togethers (they are a very sociable and large family that meet for bbq's, roasts with 20+++ ...her anniversary party was over 150 from what i understand ...
My fiance has not known h0w to handle it and over the last few years his contact has dwindled a lot. For the first 6 months i encouraged him but would then secretly cry..as I knew that they all meet up with his ex wife (from 25 years ago) inlaws, brothers and extended family...and my kids and I have been ostracised.
My fiance and I love one another. We have a stable loving undramatic relatuinship.. again, nothing that would turn heads or get tongues wagging
Crucially..throughout this unhappy situation, ive asked him numerous times
If there is anything I can do or anything that he knows about what/why etc, as im trying to quietly untangle what went wrong.
He has maintained that it was nothing i did, nothing was relayed to him, nothing i could do to put it right.
I have settled into a sort of tentative acceptance that I can put down to her not liking me...but i still find it difficult that I have been shunned. ( as have my own children through default)
I dont know if worth saying, but there was no alcohol or anything like that at our meet ups, so nothing odd said when drunk... nothing deeply discussed...i must have said something wrong somewhere but i am at a loss.
A complete loss. I have doubted myself, cried; reflected.
... She has the right to feel however she wishes and really, what she thinks of me, was none of my business...but the vitreol has been awful. Its awful for my partner and I can see strain in his eyes.
Lots will say "you dont need any sort of relationship with his daughter" and you"d be right. I guess lots of families rub along with someone they arent that fond of?
Out of respect for her dad we could have found some common ground...
Id have quietly sat through the odd christmas meal or washed.up after the odd "do".... i worked full time so wasnt around in the day so not able to interfere with family.plans or meet ups with her dad so i dont think time with her dad was an issue.
Several years on, my fiance and i were talking abiut it. I said how sad it all was .
This next bit really took me aback.
He stated that his daughter 'supported our relationship"
I asked him how she did this and he kept repeating that she had stated she did 😔
He also stated that I "at some point decided that I didn't like her"🥹
I assure you that this thought did creep into my mind after my children and I were shunned from the family...but before this i was gently getting to know her at that was all.
The worst was that I "clearly said or did something during the meetups to have CAUSED this"
This would be logical wouldnt it..that i said or did somethung so catastrophic that I am not allowed near them....but he made me believe he had my back about this abd re assured me for a long long time.
He won't expand, says his daughter wont discuss it at all and hasnt divulged a scenario. So nothing new has happened.
I feel like the last few years have been a lie. I feel like he has felt so in the middle of us; that he has just placated us both...and worst of all i am now wondering if we have a future at all.
We have just bought a house togetjer and my children are at crucial points in college/ career, both living at home.
I cant break the home up but my heart is absolutely shattered. No one will tell me or can explain what i said or did..ive never been accused of anything like this before.
The only thing I can do is calmly carry on for now as the kids deserve calm but i can hardly look at the man I love as I feel so betrayed.