Im not sure there is any going back after this discussion. Please help..

[Homewithcheesecrisps]

Im in my mid 50's and desperately trying to navigate a delicate family situation.
I thought we had found a sad but acceptable understanding about it but last night my heart shattered.

Its long and Im really sorry😥

My fiance and I both have children. His are older with homes of their own.
When my partner and I met he was always very proud of his children and vocal ( in a really nice way) about houses they had, good jobs etx. Daughter lives locally, married from uni, lots of kids, married into money and has quite a high social standing. They had a close relationship with him being there at grandkids births, looked after all the little ones for weekends whilr her and her husband went away...all really sweet stuff. She knows everyone, is involved locally with lots of benevolent funds etc etc. She doesnt need to work. Its not an un common set up for where we live.
I cant imagine that there is anything she needs that isnt at the end of her fingers but from the moment she saw me she disliked me (eyes narrowed, snarly comments/ off hand put downs)

I'm a fairly quiet person, the only "past' I have is an ex husband. Ive always worked full time either for charities or similar...Im not known as a drinker or someone that lies or had lots of partners, im not at the local village pub or very well known.(boring boring boring) Ive been married before but this was for almost 20 years. Nothing for a local village to find salacious etc etc. ( also...so what if i DID have a more colourful past..but the fact is, I dont)

After meeting 2...i came home and sobbed. I hadnt cried like that for years. The whole meeting had been snipes and awkward mis placed jabs. I didn't rise to any of it and just chose to see that maybe this 30 year old woman was sort of reverting back to being a teen?
It was just like being back at school..very uncomfortable but i let her sort of "poke" because i guess i was taken aback but also trying to allow her to test waters with me. I didn't and dont have anything to hide so believed that "good would out" or whatever the phrase is.

After meeting 4 which seemed ok! (Ish) The last thing we said was that we would get togetger before christmas and she said she would like to meet my children.
i was quietly pleased that maybe any worries i had were unfounded. He hsd brushed my worries away saying that all was fine...and By this time id been seeing her dad for almost 12 months.
According to him, her and her extended fsmily were known for welcoming strangers into their home, housing them and very much highlighted that they were lovely kind spirited people.

Over christmas and leading up to it, i had a kidney infection and was working full time..so time was limited. I ended up on 2 lots of anti biotics and had a few weeks off work..too ill to remember about 3 weeks of January.
I had no contact with her as we dont have that sort of relationship although hello.was passed on through her dad.

Out of the blue (and this is where it starts making no sense at all) my partner recieved a message saying there would be no more contact involving me.

No explanantion and it was worded in such a way to make this final with no discussion. I hadnt seen her since prior to christmas and it was now March.

My partner tried to talk to her, talk to her husband but it was a simple "we dont need to explain anything to you".
I spent 6 months very low, asking my partner if therr was something / Anything that I could apologise for? I asked him if there was some silly local gossip maybe or maybe sonething untrue being said
The gist was that I was unsuitable company and from that moment i have been cut out.of parties/ get togethers (they are a very sociable and large family that meet for bbq's, roasts with 20+++ ...her anniversary party was over 150 from what i understand ...

My fiance has not known h0w to handle it and over the last few years his contact has dwindled a lot. For the first 6 months i encouraged him but would then secretly cry..as I knew that they all meet up with his ex wife (from 25 years ago) inlaws, brothers and extended family...and my kids and I have been ostracised.

My fiance and I love one another. We have a stable loving undramatic relatuinship.. again, nothing that would turn heads or get tongues wagging
Crucially..throughout this unhappy situation, ive asked him numerous times
If there is anything I can do or anything that he knows about what/why etc, as im trying to quietly untangle what went wrong.

He has maintained that it was nothing i did, nothing was relayed to him, nothing i could do to put it right.

I have settled into a sort of tentative acceptance that I can put down to her not liking me...but i still find it difficult that I have been shunned. ( as have my own children through default)

I dont know if worth saying, but there was no alcohol or anything like that at our meet ups, so nothing odd said when drunk... nothing deeply discussed...i must have said something wrong somewhere but i am at a loss.
A complete loss. I have doubted myself, cried; reflected.
... She has the right to feel however she wishes and really, what she thinks of me, was none of my business...but the vitreol has been awful. Its awful for my partner and I can see strain in his eyes.

Lots will say "you dont need any sort of relationship with his daughter" and you"d be right. I guess lots of families rub along with someone they arent that fond of?
Out of respect for her dad we could have found some common ground...
Id have quietly sat through the odd christmas meal or washed.up after the odd "do".... i worked full time so wasnt around in the day so not able to interfere with family.plans or meet ups with her dad so i dont think time with her dad was an issue.

Several years on, my fiance and i were talking abiut it. I said how sad it all was .

This next bit really took me aback.
He stated that his daughter 'supported our relationship"
I asked him how she did this and he kept repeating that she had stated she did 😔
He also stated that I "at some point decided that I didn't like her"🥹
I assure you that this thought did creep into my mind after my children and I were shunned from the family...but before this i was gently getting to know her at that was all.

The worst was that I "clearly said or did something during the meetups to have CAUSED this"

This would be logical wouldnt it..that i said or did somethung so catastrophic that I am not allowed near them....but he made me believe he had my back about this abd re assured me for a long long time.

He won't expand, says his daughter wont discuss it at all and hasnt divulged a scenario. So nothing new has happened.

I feel like the last few years have been a lie. I feel like he has felt so in the middle of us; that he has just placated us both...and worst of all i am now wondering if we have a future at all.

We have just bought a house togetjer and my children are at crucial points in college/ career, both living at home.
I cant break the home up but my heart is absolutely shattered. No one will tell me or can explain what i said or did..ive never been accused of anything like this before.
The only thing I can do is calmly carry on for now as the kids deserve calm but i can hardly look at the man I love as I feel so betrayed.

The daughter is a manipulative and cunning trouble-maker who has succeeded in getting into your head, making you paranoid and affecting your relationship with her dad.

Put it out of your head that you did or said some mysterious thing wrong. It's nonsensical; normal people let you know if you have said or done something so awful they are going to have to cut contact. If she had genuine concerns about you being 'unsuitable', should would and should have spoken to her father about it.

You need to drop the rope on this. Go quiet on it, move your thoughts and efforts into your own children and things you enjoy doing. Do not discuss it anymore with your partner (he is going to struggle with the realisation that his daughter is not who he thought she was). Be kind if he does raise the subject of her and just say something like you don't wish to talk about it anymore as it has caused you too much hurt and anguish.

'No audience, no show.'

Her behaviour could have driven a permanent wedge in your relationship with her father. Frankly, I would not be able to forgive that.

Be together, make legal plans to protect you both so if one of you is ill or incapacitated the daughter is not the default next of kin.
Don't marry him; protect your own children from this toxic family.

Maybe. If OP organised an event to celebrate her partner’s birthday, then I’d expect her to invite her partner’s family. If it’s to celebrate her birthday, then she’d invite her family.

We had a family fall out when a MiL organised a meal celebrating her DiL’s bday for the in law side of the family. The DiL’s brother wanted to go but wasn’t invited. He then fell out with them all about it, which was unreasonable.

My family has found it easier to keep the two sides separate 😅

Yiu absolutely must tie up your wealth legally so it stays on your side.

This is absolutely essential.

Please do not rely on his goodwill or hers for the decent thing.

I wouldn’t marry him. You need to ensure that none of the money you’ve worked for goes to her.

I thought that might be the case when I read your OP. Its easy for outsiders to say your DH is weak and should have done more but I wonder how anyone else would act in that situation. Most of us see the best in our DC and it must be very hard to realise that they aren't good people. I can understand why he would struggle coming to terms with it and want to continue seeing his daughter as a wonderful person. Especially when she sounds to be well liked and making an effort to help and support everyone else. I suppose it was very confusing for you and you'd DH to see her treat everyone else so well and difficult to understand why she was the way she was with you.

Honestly OP you have wasted enough time with him.
Get out of this situation.
Do not get over what he said.
Do not marry him.

Get out of this relationship and toxic family.

Never underestimate the Freudian level of hatred many daughters have for their father's second wife.

If it’s any consolation, people are great at remembering things in a totally different way. My brother hasn’t spoken to me in over 25 years for apparently upsetting him. He never bothered to discuss anything with me so I let it go because my parents took his side. Time passes and recently he told someone in the family that he didn’t understand why I didn’t speak to him anymore and he didn’t know why we weren’t talking! As if he had no clue and that I had started it.

This sounds incredibly painful and confusing to go through, especially when you’ve tried so hard to be respectful and keep things calm. Being cut off without explanation can really knock your confidence and leave you questioning everything.
It might not actually be about you as much as it feels, sometimes family dynamics are already set long before we arrive and we just get caught in them. You’ve done what you can by being open and kind.
If your relationship with your partner is solid and supportive, that’s the most important foundation.
Hopefully with time things may soften, but protecting your own wellbeing matters too!

It sounds like you and he have now communicated about this. Some counselling may help you now with your feelings about being rejected by her for no good reason, so you can feel more happiness and peace with your partner moving forward.
As others advise make sure you tie up the money to come to you so it passesvto your children. And he his.

At what point into this story did you become the "fiancée"? My guess is that her issue is inheritance and my guess would be that the relationship moving towards marriage might have made her react in this way.

I wonder if he let something split about you being financially independent and now the script has flipped and she supports the relationship. End of the day she isn't very nice and it's time for you to detach and accept your presence won't be required at family events. What a horrible situation for you.

You sound like a nice person, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible

the above.

This woman has the money to hire solicitors and has the nature to hound you.

Get to a solicitor and NAIL down all your property and assets and inheritance to make sure your DC... who are still at school/uni? are PROTECTED. Do this now.

Both of you should make a plan for what would happen if ill - next of kin. power of attorney, need care home or If one of you dies and this should be lodged with the will. Trust me. There is nothing worse than family squabbling over the funeral, the location, the service etc... nothing. Just at a time when you can least bear it. Sort it out so your DC don't have to deal with her. She's older and meaner. Keep your own finances independent and private. You share the house so she will get his share of that,its up to him to organise this.

You've had years of misery over this and he's done nothing at all to stand up for you, to the extent that he's now accepting her unfounded accusations. Its about the money, not you, yet you have taken all the blame on yourself, wondering what you did. As a pp did, also get yourself some assertiveness training. You are too passive for these sharks.

He has backtracked on his accusations, but he expressed them in the first place so I don't believe he's not still nurturing them and is now blaming you. Get him to couples counselling if you want to repair this relationship. He needs to make amends, and he should go through this to air these views to an independent mediator. This might be an eye opener for him.

Finally. I think it would be very unwise to marry someone who doesn't have your back and is prepared to let you suffer and say nothing. It's time he opened his eyes to the fact that his horrible daughter has done everything she can to punish you and end your relationship. She doesn't care about either of you. So start looking after yourself and your DC as a priority because its clear you are the only one who wants to.

I also suspect this is about money and is not personal - she would have done this to any woman about whom her dad became serious.

Aside - your fiancé is being a dick even after the second update. Why on earth did he say all that then? He must have thought it.

OP, your first mistake was letting her walk all
over you when you initially met. She should have been put in her place right there and then.

In my previous relationship my MIL was also quite snobbish towards me - she had no actual reason to except for me being where I’m from. It never subsided for the 15 years she was in my life. Being older now I can 100% say I would never put up with any of this again.

Even if you want to stay in your relationship, I would maybe reconsider if you truly want/need to marry him?

Your story reminds me of events in my sisters life when she met her second husband. Both were divorced and had children by 1st marriage. New DH had a teen daughter who lived with her mother, the exwife. Daughter never accepted my sister who tried very hard to be kind. No reason for the girls feelings were ever put forward. My sister's new husband struggled for several years to placate his daughter. Eventually he decided where his priorities were and went low contact with his daughter, chosing his new wife instead.

I can see that you are n a similar position and have tried to be friendly to the daughter of your fiance. From what you have said I do not believe your have done or said anything of which you need feel ashamed. It is just one of those unfortunate family situations which may never be settled to your satisfaction. She has made up her mind not to like or accept you and her family have closed ranks. Its unfinished business but you seem to have reached an impasse with your fiance and his family.

I could have written all of this about my own sister and the way she treated our stepmother, but with the difference that she also treated our father appallingly badly too.

It wasn't about inheritance. It wasn't about status. It was partly about the thrill of manipulating people, and but mainly because she met and eventually married a fundamentally toxic individual who convinced her that she'd had an abusive upbringing (we really, really hadn't,) that every single thing which hadn't involved someone handing her what she wanted on a plate was somehow our DF's fault, and that he somehow needed punishing for it. One of the last things DF said to my stepmum before he died is that he didn't understand his own daughter.

Unfortunately I have little to offer beyond empathy. Some people are just vile. DF put up with it because he was a decent, honourable man who felt he couldn't walk away from his daughter no matter how badly she behaved. I watched that behaviour from afar and it has totally destroyed my relationship with DSis. I stayed civil while our parents were alive, and our relationship is now limited to sorting out DF's and another recently deceased relative's estates. Once that's finalised I will never speak to her again, which will come as a surprise to her but not to our stepmum or anyone else.

She, meanwhile will sit around waiting for stepmum to die to claim on her (considerable) estate, which won't happen because she's been cut out.

First thought that came to my mind is, have you seen these messages? Has the daughter communicated these things directly to you?

Because to me, this all reads like he’s created some drama to get out of having to bring you to family gatherings. Or to deflect attention from his own dysfunctional relationship with his daughter.

This is exactly the sort of thing I can see my mum saying about me. She often makes up stuff in her head and accuses me of having said or done it, when actually it’s something she is feeling or doing. But saying it came from me allows the fallout to not be her fault. For example, the outcome is the same, he doesn’t have to bring you to things, but the blame gets placed on his daughter and not him. I only find out my mum tells people all sorts of stuff when people come asking why I did x or said y. 🙄 Have you spoken to his dd directly?

Your partner is the real problem here, as vile as his daughter sounds. I think he told you what he really believes, but is backpedaling because he knows he's threatened the relationship. I wouldn't pursue a relationship in these circumstances. It sounds like you haven't bought a place together yet and if that's the case, I would pull out and end the relationship.

Cold fact she's a bloody madam who won't relinquish her place as first in her df's life..
Nothing at all to do with you personally.

Is there a scenario where you are making this more about you than it needs to be? This might not really be about you at all. Her mum may be leaning on her to say it’s her or you at events - that’s not unusual even when a lot of time has passed. To be honest even if it is about you, this seems to have affected you a great deal. You would clearly like to be included, but it’s not a disaster if you aren’t. A brisk “well, that’s up to her” and make sure your partner knows you still support him maintaining his relationship without any emotional pressure from you is all that’s needed, surely? People don’t like sometimes, most of the time that’s circumstances not us, but even if it is us, it’s not a disaster. I suspect your OH now feels a ton of pressure from both sides and is rightly prioritising his own daughter. I would deescalate if you can, and graciously leave the door open for the future if things change.

Possibly not, but the 'high status ' brings lots of opportunities for gatherings, parties etc which the OP has been expressly excluded for no reason. Daughter is toxic. It's no way to treat an extended family member.

OP, you sound absolutely lovely.
No advice to add but its a shame if you've spent any of your precious time on this earth wracking your brain trying to work out whether there might have been some misunderstanding / local gossip etc. There hasnt been...the reason none of this makes sense is because its purely the tangled mind of your partners DD and nothing more.