To be at my wit's end with DS?

[WithTwoGiantBoys]

DS17 is driving me nuts. In year 12 and simply has no work ethic at all when it comes to his school work. He is doing ok in a practical BTEC and a practical A Level but is failing his maths A Level. We got a tutor to help him, school is doing lots to support him, but it just isn't his priority and he just doesn't seem to care. All he cares about are his mates, his girlfriend, the gym, and his part time job (which only matters to fund his lifestyle).

AIBU to expect him to put in some effort? It's half term and he has done nothing but enjoy himself. I have pointed out repeatedly that we won't be funding his lifestyle after school if he doesn't have a job or a course of study. He just nods along then does nothing. I can't force him to do anything, so I just end up frustrated. I love him, he's a great lad, but if I hear "It's not that deep" one more time I might explode.

YABU: it's his life, you can't make him do anything, he just has to find out for himself and you support him best you can but have to just let it go

YANBU: You are right to be angry and just haven't found the right tactic yet to make him study. (Please tell.me what this is as I'm out of ideas)

It's not that deep.

He sounds pretty normal - there is still 18 months of 6th form left, so pressure cooker tactics now are not sustainable.

Has he done his homework? That’s enough for now.

Part time job and exercise sound fine to me.

Sounds like maths isn’t his thing, no matter how much you push it’ll make no difference. Hopefully he can do something with the other qualifications he has.

My son was similar at sixth form and at some point I realised I just had to let him take the reins - whatever that meant. It’s actually quite powerful to tell him that it’s all up to him now. He might sink or swim but only he can control that.

Would he be more productive without WiFi?

I think that's part of the problem, I've previously been really supportive of him prioritising doing exercise (he's out all day today on his bike) and encouraged him to get the job and do actually think it is getting him valuable skills and experience.

He probably finds it hard that suddenly I'm pointing out a different priority but he is older now and needs to focus a bit more. He is only doing maths because it was one of the few things he qualified for at sixth form. He isn't enjoying it at all and I don't expect stellar grades but with just a little bit of consistent effort he could get a D or even scrape a C and that would be great for him in keeping options open. We can't all absolutely love everything we do!

Maths is one of those things you cannot throw time at at the end, it isn't really crammable so you just need to practice - not really asking him to do a lot, half an hour of practice a few days a week is what I told him he needs to do, which shouldn't be that hard to fit in. Exams are approximately 14 months away, he hasn't got his head around the first 6 months of the simplest work. It'll go fast!

If I turned the WiFi off on the rare occasion he is in the house he would just go out again.

My DS had to get a 9 at GCSE to be able to take it A-Level. I think having a natural flare and general like of Maths helps.

If your DS doesn’t like it, could he drop it or just do it as an AS. Are AS’s an option at his sixth form? A friend of mine has managed to get History dropped, it just wasn’t working for her son and he got straight 9s in his GCSEs. She did have to fight for this though.

I would let him drop the maths and he can deal with the consequences.

Maths isn't really an A level that you should do just because. Sounds like he is doing well at the more practical subjects. Not that it helps OP but this is one of the reasons I despair when parents think the only option post 16 is sixth form. Sounds like he would have been more suited to college or an apprenticeship.

Anyway in order to help OP what does he actually want to do post sixth form as this would determine the best route I think. Will they let him drop maths if he wanted to? To be honest unless he needs maths A level for his next step work experience is probably far more useful than a D at maths A level anyway.

YANBU at all OP. I commend you for not taking the apathy approach of "just let him do what he likes". He needs to knuckle down and study. Year 12 & Year 13 are important for life. It's not the be all and end all, but working hard at A-levels.

Maths A-level isn't all that hard. My eldest has an A* in it (with and A in further) all it requires is knuckling down and hard work. What are his plans for after sixth form? He needs to work hard he wants to go to university or even do any kind of practical training course. School grades do matter.

I would always say to my kids that if they didn't work hard at school, if they'd be happy working NMW forever.

What does he want to do after college?
Does he need maths for it?

If not, I'd honestly be inclined to let it go. He obviously got a decent GCSE if he's been able to take it for A-level.

Otherwise it sounds like he's good at forming relationships, applies himself well to the more practical stuff and has enough self-discipline to be committing to regular gym sessions and his part-time job (and what 16/17 year old doesn't like the fact that pays for the fun stuff).

Really I think you're overreacting a bit.

I didn’t do any work in any of my school holidays… and I went to a very high performing grammar!
You’re only young once and you never get those holidays again.
If he’s done his homework, leave him be.

But this isn't true. There are many people working for more than minimum wage who didn't do well academically. Sometimes pushing too hard has the absolute opposite effect that you're after. OP tell him that you'll stop bothering him about it but that it's now all down to him. Sink or swim. Once he feels in control he may just step up to the plate

Op in a similar position. DC had Jan mocks which shook him up and he has decided he wants to go uni so working harder. Not sure it will be enough but hoping. I think he realized there is a v real risk of being stuck at home with limited prospects without decent A level results. Has yours got a goal?

Maths A level isn't that hard is a silly comment to make. Some people will find it not that hard others will find it a bit difficult and some will find it impossible.

It's also not strictly true that those that don't work hard at school are in a minimum wage job forever. I got good A levels and a degree and I am earning significantly less than some people who got bare minimum passes at GCSE and went to college to learn a trade for example.

Good school grades keep your options open but are no the be all and end all. Just ask the many graduates who can't find employment or are under employed.

The step up from gcse to a level in maths CAN be hard- some get it, others don’t- however hard they try.
What’s his goal? Wha5 does he want to do after school/ college? Wha5 does that require? Shift his focus to that.

Keep trying but I do remember a teacher laughing and saying to me ‘you’re so enthusiastic about what he could do but you can’t do it for him’ and it was true. Remember those things you list are the important things to him and it’s good he has them, the job, the girlfriend, the friends. As mum to a son who had mh problems honestly happiness and health is the most important thing (still don’t give up but take the goit off the pedal a little!)

DS is now in year 13 and had (still has to a certain extent) a similar work ethic. It's tough because there was so much made of GCSEs that I think many think they're done and relax a bit.

There is still time to turn things around - he is very early on in his a levels. But to be honest I've tried the nagging and at 17 he just says OK to whatever I suggest and then does what he was intending to do anyway. So I now mainly leave him to it!

Glad I went to school in the days when parents just let you get on with life. I would have hated to be told I had to work by my parents - I made that choice myself, and only asked their advice if I felt it might help me. Not sure nagging really works anyway. May ask if he needs any help but really his teachers should be guiding him. In the end, it is HIS life.

Lots of teenagers don’t have the same motivation their parents do.

What’s his end goal after college?

Unfortuately you have to let them make their own mistakes said by the mother of 2 DS's aged 19 and 22

But on average people those who do better academically earn more. It won't hurt. There will always be exceptions.

https://www.cambridgeassessment.org.uk/our-research/data-bytes/the-economic-returns-of-a-level-grades/

Completely understand that but sometimes parents push the child when they just aren't happy doing academics. They'd maybe thrive more doing an apprenticeship or something like that to gain qualifications

Yes you’re being unseasonable