to think I've hit an age of looking back not forward?

[Setsquares]

I'll be 50 years old next week.
Youngest DC will be leaving for university in September.
I'm in a full-time, stressful job, which will see me through to retirement in 14/15 years time. Will never be a high earner (teacher).
DH and I bumble along well enough together. Certainly not exciting, but not awful.
Elderly parents.

My looks have faded - frown lines, greying hair, tired eyes, bit of extra weight on the hips.

Becoming more cynical about the world and humanity in general.

AIBU to think that my life now is about looking back on the good times (I had a great time in my 20s, in a big city and did lots of travelling, and then the kids' pre-school years were probably the happiest of my life), rather than expecting the same level of 'adventure' ahead?

Four friends dying is a lot. Maybe you’re feeling depressed and grieving?

I missed that you have lost friends, and not because they have moved away. That would make anyone depressed. You may be suffering from low grade depression, but you haven't noticed, because you are busy.
Also please check Vitamin D levels. I got very low recently and now put on high dosage pills.

The eighties had the Troubles, the second Cold War and deep fears of nuclear war, the Soviet-Afghan war, the Iran-Iraq war, Chernobyl, AIDS, several major environmental disasters, and in my country a major recession. I certainly don’t think it was a nicer time to be alive.

If I were you, OP, I'd start trying to put more fun in your life whatever than means to you. It can be every day things not necessarily big trips or lots of expense. And planning for what you are going to do with that empty nest and the headspace it frees up. But if you think your best years are behind you, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Spend time stopping what you are doing, gazing into space and being a bit bored and creative thoughts will come. Having elderly parents can be a tough ride. They also are not around for ever and there will be a time after them.

The pressures were there no doubt, but ultimately people were kinder to each other and mental health was not such an issue.

One thing that I think I find really difficult is how friendships these days are often entirely social media and text messages.

I am also 50 soon, my oldest also goes to university in September and I have another teen. I work full time, ageing parents needing support. I feel like life doesn’t stop at the moment and I’m shattered all the time (peri?) I have taken to listening to all my old dance tunes and remembering the good old days of my teens / twenties of clubbing and travelling when there was a lifetime of fun and opportunity ahead. I have also had a friend die recently and in my job in healthcare I know life can be short and that feels more real recently. I feel the same as you sometimes but also I am determined to enjoy life when I can. I plan lots of nice times with friends when I can, weekends away - clubbing in Ibiza was amazing last year even at our age!

I don’t think that’s at all true.

I hate to break it to you but they are not friendships at all. Human connection is vital for wellbeing and survival. In years to come society will look back at this era of phones and social media and despair/study/analyse the detrimental impact on a generation.

We are constantly 'in touch' but have never been so isolated in so many ways.

I'm nearer 60 than I am 50, but I do remember this 'turn'. Also a teacher for what it's worth - secondary.

I think when I was 49, both my kids left home within weeks of each other, and within 18 months I'd lost my beloved dog (he was 19) and two cats (also 19). I remember sitting on the sofa next to my husband and thinking 'Christ almighty, what do we do now?'

Where I am different is that I lost my dad in my 20s and my mum in my early 30s - although I'm close to my husband's parents (one of whom died fairly recently).

So we started with little stuff, and not consciously. We decided to subscribe to Hello Fresh (and I hate cooking) to try and few new things and take the strain off constantly thinking 'What's for dinner?' Literally added a little bit of spice to what had become a fairly mundane thing. We were used to hectic meal times with children and suddenly it was all terribly quiet. Created a bit of an ambience that we were cooking for each other and taking care of ourselves.

I stopped dying my hair completely and it went silver. I grew it. Got a nice cut - not what I had when I was younger - and people now comment all the time about my fantastic hair.

I've never been very pretty or shapely, but I was skinny, you know, and then got the 'middle age spread'. It took me quite a while to figure out what suited that new frame. I spent about 5 years fighting it, dieting, exercising when knackered, etc. Once I accepted it, that made me quite a bit happier.

In terms of diet, I changed that and upped my protein content by a lot. I also started taking regular good quality supplements as well as seeing a herbalist. This boosted my stamina and got rid of that listless feeling. Although, as you know, being a teacher means that sometimes you're just totally knackered.

I also worked out a decent daily beauty regime that has helped with my face. When I say 'I' worked it out, I mean Chatpgt worked it out.

I did try HRT. Wasn't great for me. Gave me catastrophically high blood pressure.

We also made other incremental changes, again, not really consciously. We redecorated our bedroom, got a luxe bed (super king with a telly in it), changed the sofa so it was more comfy, replaced our entire kitchen (that was a bit of a project), etc. This all sounds very dramatic, but it was over a period of about 5 years. We sort of went with 'Oh, that would be nice!' and saved up a bit. We did the kitchen ourselves over a summer holiday. It's not perfect. I like it though.

And then for reasons I still can't explain, I decided to learn to ride a 'big girls motorbike'. I had ridden when I was 18/19, but then children and practicality. Anyway, I learned, now I ride all the time. Something about it makes me feel free and solo. My husband also rides. Occasionally, we ride to places together. I think I just wanted to feel alive, and there's nothing quite like having 50 horsepower between your legs to remind you of that.

People being kind to one another is not how I remember the 1980s or 1990s, people were extremely rude and also openly racist, misogynistic and homophobic, it was an extremely sexualised society as a young person then, and men were openly fucking horrible to you in public and got away with it you were told "boys will be boys".

We were also a tremendously violent society. Loads of drunken violence in pubs, loads of riots, loads of football hooligans and violent crime was much higher.

Rose coloured glasses spring to mind. I find most people pleasant and respectful these days.

Mental health was also a massive issue, people just self-medicated with alcohol, cigarettes and drugs more instead of food and everything was brushed under the carpet. Mentally unwell meant you were mad and you couldn't talk about it to anyone.

Are you on HRT? A lot of these gloomy feelings are as a result of oestrogen depletion.

HRT gave me my life back.

Me and my lovely SIL were at coffee the other day, and we had a conversation that really stuck with me. Her and my brother are so in love still, very happy. But she is close to being an empty nester like me - 50. I left a horrible abusive marriage so have a lot of trauma, she doesnt. But what I do have is a super interesting job that I just love. She has done loads of study, lots of training, climbed up the ladder - but she said she feels like she is having a midlife crisis because she has never ever loved what she does. It shocked me to hear it. Im not sure why really, I just guess I thought she was so lucky - she met a lovely man young, and had kids with him, a comfortable life and is still very happy and in love and kids are just lovely and healthy and happy and are all flying high. Youngest is just about to leave for uni. But hearing her say that made me think how lucky I was (and im not used to feeling like that as I had the complete opposite experience to her).

So, this isn't a stealth boast, but right now - at 51 I do feel very very lucky. I am comfortable, Im in a fantastic relationship, great house, but really importantly Im stimulated by my job. I love time off, but I cant wait to get back into it. I do run my own business so that helps but I was sick last week with awful flu for 4 days and I couldn't wait to get stuck back into work. My SIL admits she deeply envies that and feels so gutted that she won't ever have a career that she loves. She says she has to pay for the kids to get through uni and beyond, and then by the time she would be free to explore other options she would be retirement age.

So yeh, it did get me thinking. Work is such a huge part of our lives, if you don't have a passion for it it really can be soul destroying, no matter how much of the rest of your life is going brilliantly.

Just my morning pondering anyway.

Don’t you have a life now though? We do so much culturally travel socially. Why wouldn’t you?! You have only one life! You might live another 50 odd years!

I agree with all you say. 😥

Today I am going to the pub with my book club, a motley group of strangers of all ages. You have to make an effort at this age.

Getting more time for non-work stuff sometimes isn't easy unless you can do less work stuff though! And that's not always financially possible, especially when you're supporting a couple of kids through university. I've been pissed off with work dominating my life, so lately I have actually been determinedly doing more non-work stuff. The result is that I'm more knackered!

Good times ahead now. You get your free time back and can do lots of travelling and fun things :)

if you are unhappy about aging dye your hair, hit the gym, Botox... no drama :D

I both love and hate my job (probably a familiar feeling for the other teachers on the thread). It's still stimulating after 30 years, but it's also almost my only source of anxiety and stress. I hardly socialise, and I think it's partly because I'm 'peopled out' from 5 days a week interacting with rooms full of 30 people!

I feel the opposite .
I loved when the kids were preschoolers but enjoy them more now that they are teens/ early twenties .
No more sleepovers, piano lessons, dance lessons, tutor, birthday parties , 11+ angst school run….
I feel a sense of freedom .
I actually have the time and energy to go to the gym because I only have to focus on myself . Dh and I can just get up and go to the cinema , restaurants , because we don’t have to worry about childcare
My mother is in her seventies and has a better social life than I have .
As others have said, it is a self fulfilling prophecy, If you have a negative view of the future you end up living a negative life

You would be surprised how much learning new things helps you but if you are determined to spend the rest of your life miserable - go ahead. Lead a horse to water

I'm hoping you're wrong!
I'm 54 and my youngest is in year 12
Middle age is famously shit.
I love the kids but have found being a parent bloody hard.
But, they're pretty well-rounded individuals and I love seeing them do stuff independently. I really look forward to having a more equal relationship with them when they're adults (and looking after themselves fully!)
And I cannot wait to get a bit of me back.
I'm honestly really hopeful for the future, touch wood that health remains intact.

It did have all those things: what it didn't have was the Internet in our pocket, giving access to 24 hour a day updates and images, and photographic evidence and videos of what went on every Saturday night being made public at the touch of a button.

Don't get me wrong, I bloody love the Internet - but I think that those aspects 'missing' was a benefit to my experience of being in my teens and twenties in those decades.

You can't start writing yourself off at only 50. It's natural to look back at previous decades with fondness but you've years ahead of you to enjoy (we all hope). You have to start living your life for you now. I started a full time degree at 50 (I'm 52 this May), I go on a girls trip every June with my oldest and best pal and we go a bit wild and just enjoy having that time together. I've also planned a holiday of a lifetime in September (safari). My son is 21 and at uni so pretty independent now and I've lost both my parents (within the last five years). Losing them almost broke me I won't lie but I've had to realise that I at have a life to live and to be greatful that I actually get that privilege. Get yourself out there, join some clubs that interest you, make plans, lose that stubborn weight and treat yourself to a new wardrobe. Every day you wake and can get up and out of bed is a gift that not everyone has.

Dh said just this morning do you u think you have more time in your week happy than unhappy and I think I need to sit down and think. I don’t hate my job by any means, but I don’t know that I’m happy a lot at all, I’m indifferent and sad and tired quite regularly now compared to years ago but I just have a lot of worries at the mo and very little time to see people/ right the things that cause me stress (I don’t see my family - mum, sis, bro enough and they need me but I’m busy working, trying to show the kids life is great while being exhausted and blue) Hope you get to a better place op, I find all this thinking exhausting, I kiss not thinking about these things x

You're a bundle of joy aren't you! Mid age doesn't mean your life is over. You need to get out of the negative mindset. This is your time now. Find a new hobby do something different.