Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I honestly doubt OP is middle class and afford a 9k instant transfer.

But who gave it to him? His parents are the reason he has no concept of money. It seems really unfair you’re now telling him he has to leave and saying on here how disappointed you are in him.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but you and your husband have created the situation.

Not to the tune of 50k

I bought my first flat when I was 23
with a 10k deposit and a mortgage. I’ve since travelled all around the world on sabbaticals, breaks between jobs, career breaks, long holidays. Africa, Asia, lived in two parts of Europe for 6 months. All the time my flat generated an income whilst I was away and doubled in value over 10 years. A very sad individual indeed!

I got a comparable amount at a comparable age and was told it was ultimately expected to be a house deposit, so I just parked it (then stuck in an ISA over the course of a few years) and continued as normal with my job and life when though technically I had access to it and nobody could have stopped me doing otherwise. I think it's absolutely possible to be sensible with that kind of sum in your 20s if expectations are set.

Does he make money from the Tik tok thing?

Travelling around the world sounds like a pretty good way to spend the money to me but he now needs to get a job and start his career.

Of course kick him out. And no more money. Put it in trust or something until you and his dad die.

He needs to struggle now. To see what real life is and to learn how to cope as an adult. He's got a brilliant education behind him. He will be able to manage at the very minimum, the basics.

And you need a very serious chat with your DH about how your children, despite having high intelligence and great educations, are going to fail in life if some pretty drastic action isn't taken. He for one needs to step back and stop enabling these adults and prevent them from wasting their lives.

The money was given to him. It was his. Thats how he chose to spend it. If he wasn't free to spend it as he chose then you should have paid it out directly to whoever or for whatever was acceptable to you and been clear about it.

if you have spoiled them rotten and created entitled and financially irresponsible people then since you don't have a time machine you can't change that. What you can do is accept your part in this and make changes going forward.

Split it into what you can control and what you can't.

You aren't in control of what he does with money he inherits from others but you don't have to give him your money.

Maybe he has to fall flat on his face with nobody to bail him out in order to learn.

Your children have to unlearn what you've raised them to believe which is going to be hard for them but its either that or continue to finance them their entire lives.

I don’t want my son to suffer but I’d like for him to know what it’s like to work hard for something and achieve it.

Well that ship has clearly sailed and with his dad behaving like the sun shines out of his arse, it's unlikely to change and will reinforce his choices to your younger kids so you're probably going to have to suck this up again twice over.

Let's be honest, I can see why you're disappointed but there are worse problems than your kids being able to afford to piss £50k up the wall and not worry about it.

How very silly of you to be honest?

The thing is, OP, if you give someone money, then they can spend it however they like. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but if you wanted to influence how it was spent, you should have put it in trust. Assuming that he's not actually got into debt, there's no real harm done.

£50k is more than our house deposit last year, which took us years of careful saving to get together on top of paying rents. Or it would have covered two and a half years of our rent. So actually, yes, it is a lifechanging sum for many of us. It would have bought the flat we were renting in London outright in the late 90s!!

But if you'd given it to me at that age, I'd have thought 'wow, this is so much money that it can't possibly ever run out!!' and have spent like an idiot.

Maybe it is different college to college by son had a great time at oxford, he was always out and about having fun but still focusin on his academics. I am not sure what your dd is telling you but even when I was at Oxford we did just mess around back then but this was the 80s.

Honestly if you wanted him to use it on a house deposit, you should have kept it until he was ready to buy a house.

He’s done a really daft thing but it also sounds like he’s had a great time travelling round Australia and Asia. He probably doesn’t want to settle down now either presumably because he knows Bank of Mum and Dad will bail him out if he gets into trouble again.

I don’t think the TikTok stuff is bad! It’s clearly not a long term career option but perhaps your son is an entrepreneur and like he says, is genuinely not cut out for 9-5. Some people aren’t but as long as they can pay their bills and are happy, who cares?

Is your son happy? Sounds like it. Rejoice in that. But also, no more bailouts.

Gifting that amount of money to someone in their early twenties was never going to end well. It was a stupid decision. And to give him a further £9k, seriously?! Your family have more money than sense. He’s not going to want to work hard for his
money when he knows it’s so easily available from family.

I’m on the fence here. On one hand pissing away the money was incredibly irresponsible.
Your husband giving him more was just plain stupid. But I know kids who’ve received similar and been sensible. Mostly though they were told that there was no more coming so to be wise with it.

He’s done the impressive a levels and the Oxford degree. He’s not a performing monkey. Maybe after years of hard graft he’s had to let off steam. People make mistakes and grow up in their own way.

If I were you I’d stop all the family handouts. Let him do his thing- if that’s social media, so what? The more you try and fight that the more you’ll just annoy yourself. He is not yours to control now.

He sounds like a bright guy and if he’s come from a privileged background I doubt he’ll want to rough it in the long run. You now need to let him stand on his own two feet.

It sounds like he had a good time travelling and would have probably learnt a lot about himself and different skills. He has the rest of his life to buy a house and settle down. Please don't compare him with his cousins, my auntie constantly did that and now one cousin lives in Australia and the other is dead 😔 I fully blame my aunt for both, it didn't need to be like that. Everyone goes through highs and lows and her kids couldn't always be better than me and my sisters but would put them down when we seemed to be doing better. The damage is irreversible.

I would suggest, if you've not already given the money to your other kids, maybe manage it yourself. Tell them you have some money for them and they're to discuss it with you when they want it as you don't want them wasting it. That's what my mum did with me and my sisters. My older sister put it towards a reliable car and me and my younger sister used it towards deposits to buy our houses. It wasn't anywhere near £50k each 😳

Didn’t you say he went to Oxford? He presumably worked for that and achieved his degree.

Maybe he felt he spent his life from 16-21 constantly studying and grinding away academically and wanted to have some fun.

I’m afraid YABU so can’t understand what you thought someone fresh out of uni would do with that! It sounds as if money sense is not in abundance in your household.

I would be furious too, and disappointed.

However, am I wrong to think that he doesn't actually need to work? It looks like he could easily live off family money, if more inheritance is due and you have the means to finance his lifestyle in the meantime?

Your kids are spoilt and utterly immature. And granny will be leaving you all even more money to burn.

You all sound as bad as each other.

Surely they are only spoilt because you as parents have spoiled them? Now unfortunately reaping the sown seeds. When you're raised with no value for money then this is exactly what many young people will do. Spend, expect more...

It's late in the day to instill new attitudes but time to start by not allowing it to continue.

That's so irresponsible DD and her 2 cousins inherited £50k- one cousin went travelling but worked throughout and still has it for when she needs a house deposit, the other cousin used it in part for a Masters and saved the remainder for his home deposit. DD used hers for an apartment deposit - her partner matched the amount and she'd put the balance to her wedding. All young uns are sensible in our house. I'd be raging with him OP

You don't sound like you like your children much. Calling your daughter "spoilt spoilt spoilt" - you sound like verucca salt.

It seems wildly unfair to give a 21 year old £50k and expect them to be mature about it.

It sounds like he hasn't wasted his only opportunity in life to buy a house and you cant be hurting for money if your husband transferred £9k before breakfast without even discussing it with you.

You had your time raising him - no need to be so angry and bitter that you don't like the result. Maybe after years of high achieving he's fed up of meeting your expectations?

Maybe he's done something sensible in having a big break before getting back on the treadmill - Maybe he will be successful enough at social media to never have to. It sounds like this would just enrage you rather than relieve you. Poor kid if so.

Did you grow up with much less than him? Because you sound jealous

I have a family member who went to oxford and definitely was out a lot, probably depends on what you are studying as well but yeah definitely wasn’t locked inside her room studying all the time.