Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I understand how you feel. 2 of my GCs, got 50K from their paternal GF at 21 and 19. One has spent the lot. The spender has a son by the ex GF and is looking to buy a home with the new GF. He has none of the 50K left.

The same GFather has now given each of them 100K each. The spender has spent £14000 on World Cup tickets, meaning the ex will have sole care of their son during the summer and the house buying with the new girl friend has been put on hold.

The GFather has come from and ordinary background and worked hard for his money.

I would be pissed off that your OH gave him £9k without even speaking with you.

I do have a bit of sympathy with your son. He has been down the education tunnel, revised, passed exams etc. and this has been his whole life. I can see why he might now want to live a little while he is young and has the money at his disposal. The funnel of education and then a "good" job is one sort of life but maybe not for him. He is looking at what he has missed out on.

Great post! Lot's to think about Op.

Yep he seems to be making quite a decent amount and gaining a bit of exposure because of his videos he was invited to F1 mexico city grand prix back in october flights and accomodation paid for and was interviewing a few people. I am prooud of him but I also wanted 'more' from him, he wanted to make those 'fast cars' he should be one of the engineers but thats too much hard work for him. He had a very good job but just could not push through it for some reason, transitioning from uni life to grad life is tough and I wish he just held on a little longer. I dont hate that he went travelling, I did that too but i did not spend that much, one of his cousins travelled too Aus, NZ , SE Asia and afew countries in south america yet was still able to put a deposit on a house. Its not the putting the deposit on a house that i am bothered about, he does not have to do that but its the fact that he spent all the money and just went crazy spending.

He met a girl over in Australia, she has moved to be with him here, works in a cafe, lovely girl but now he wanted her to move into our house for a few months and my husband is all for it but I am just sick of our son not knowing the value of things id like him to learn something.

He is spoilt and he knows he has his parents to fall back on. And further inheritance.

I can assure you this is utter nonsense for the vast majority of students!!
Everyone in Oxford goes out, drinks, does drugs and has a good time, just like other unis except a small group of antisocial kids that exist anywhere.

He clearly sees both of you as walking wallets.
At 23 he should be financially independent, so if he is at home he should be paying rent and sharing costs. If not he can move out and fend for himself.

I'd be turning the taps off for the other two as well, except for what is necessary to live

I know plenty of wealthy parents but they are nearly all frugal with their kids.

It’s very hard to coast at Oxford so I imagine he’s ferociously bright. Could he have an addiction that you don’t know about? I can see why you’re tearing your hair out but I also think 9-5 is dead and won’t come back. Those who prosper will be those who already have money (which could’ve been him) and those with an entrepreneurial mindset.

I don’t think 100k followers is enough to make money but hopefully this grows. Could you entice him into doing a bit of no BS investing? Point him to the Donegans on YouTube.

He could be burnt out from accademia. On another note, many of the wealthiest under 40s no longer believe buying a residential home is a sensible investment. They invest instead to get better returns as property is so over priced in the UK and US.

He's been very foolish and will no doubt regret wasting so much money one day. I'm sure he won't regret the travelling and memories though.

You were absolutely foolish to gift him such an amount at such a young age. You are right to feel disappointed, but this is as much on you as it is on him. By giving him such a huge sum of money at such a young age, you gave him no motivation to work hard and stick at his job. The desire to travel was too tempting. Unlike most young adults who travel, he had no need or motivation to work. Why would anyone young 20 something want to work when they have 50k burning a hole in their pocket to do whatever they want with?

Yes it's a dreadful waste, but this could be the making of him. He has to work for what he wants in life now, like most young people. Most people don't have 50k fall in their lap in their early 20s but are able to get on just fine eventually, the old-fashioned way (saving up their own hard-earned cash). It won't be easy, but I'm sure he'll value what he has far more from now on, as he'll have actually earned it.

We've had a similar situation with our sons. My FIL gave each of them £25k on their 21st birthdays. He had been saving up since they were born in order to do this, which was lovely of him.

DS2 has invested his safely, to hopefully use towards a house deposit at some point in the future.

DS1 has, I think, blown all his. To be fair, he has always worked FT but on quite a low wage, so I think he's topped up his salary out of it. To be honest, I'd rather he'd have spent it on a year travelling round the world. As it is, he's got nothing to show for it.

My MIL died a few months ago (she and FIL divorced years ago). DH will inherit some money from her. We are discussing what to do. Ideally we would like to give each DS half of it between them, which will be about £50k each, but only on condition they use it towards a property when they are ready to buy. I think it would be madness to give them the money without conditions, but DH (whose inheritance it is) thinks they are old enough to do as they like.

Don't be ridiculous. The OP sounds like the concerned mother, she is. Being a sm influencer is an actual job nowadays, and to make money from it is almost a 24/7 activity.

I don't think it's just your failure as a parent - I would include your husband and his grandparents.
It sounds as though you and your extended family are very comfortably off, so maybe these amounts don't mean that much in the context of the family's wealth.

Your son and his siblings have grown up in a world where money has never been a problem, they've probably had pretty much whatever they wanted, so have no financial awareness. They have probably also been aware of the fact that there would be some sizable chunks of money coming their way from the GPs.
It's hard for some youngsters to develop any motivation if their every need is met.
Your husband has shown that he will bail out his kids if they need it, by sending your travelling son another £9k and then paying for a ticket home on top of that. It's quite telling that he didn't tell you that he was doing that...
I would suggest not kicking him out. You/your husband will end up paying for his accommodation while he does nothing.
I think he should stay living in the family home, but isn't given any cash or resources eg a car. He's fed and housed. You can say that he needs to get and keep a job to be able to stay in your home. If he doesn't, he's on his own - to find and fund his own accommodation. The goal is to develop the motivation to work to live.
Good luck.

It sounds like your son never learned a work ethic from an overly privileged upbringing and being enabled by his parents.

Don't let him move his gf into your home. He's got to get his own place now. Your son is spoiled and entitled, time to stop enabling that bullshit because it's time for him to grow up.

Was the full £50k from the grandparents? Did all GCs get the £50k on the same day, or were you asked to keep it safe for a period of time?

If all GCs were given £50k on the same day, there’s nothing you can do, and it wasn’t ever your money anyway.

If you were supposed to keep it safe and/or topped it up, most of us know that handing over that kind of cash to someone whose frontal lobe isn’t fully developed won’t end well.

I would struggle if either of mine did this. This is money that his grandparents worked hard for and wanted to help him set up a secure life.

I just hate that I have failed as a parent.

My daughter does not care about anything, she is very spoilt, last summer i got her a summer internship with a friend of mine who has herown little law firm, my daughter did two days and said 'no offence but its too much work I want to enjoy my summer' then kept asking for money everytime she wanted to go out. I saw a cafe near us was hiring told her to apply, she said its too much effort, so I sat down with her and helped her apply for the job, prepped her for the interview, she got the job, thought she was enjoying it, turns out she was turning up late, being just blazeh towards customers etc I cried because its my own fault. My daughter who acheived 4 A* in her Alevels, is studying law at durham and doing well academically cannot even handle working at a cute local cafe in our highstreet.

So sorry OP - that’s devastating. I’m not there with my children yet but any money I save for them is in my name and will be given at my discretion when I think they are at a point that they won’t waste it. I just don’t believe some young adults have the perspective to be wise an understand the opportunity cost of partying it away - and if I’ve worked as hard as I am for it, they damn well better be wise with it! I’d have no issue with £10k going on travelling and £40k to a house or career, but £50k on travelling must feel like a gut punch.

If this is real, then the money was a gift for him to do with as he pleased. I wouldn’t be overly impressed, but it’s done now. He’s travelled and had fun, not everyone wants to go from education to mortgages and pensions, and if you have the means to do life differently, which he had, why not? We’re all a bit brainwashed into getting straight on with the rat race asap.

I’m not an influencer type person but if he can make a living on TikTok without doing much, then that’s fine. Some people don’t have to work hard, that’s life. If it doesn’t make him a living, he’ll have to find something else.

You're obviously very different to your son. That could be just being different ages and he may change as he’s gets older, or you could just have very different personalities and ideas on life.

I wouldn’t be giving him any further money but I’d just leave him to it. I wouldn’t tell him he has to move out because he’s done something you wouldn’t do, but it would be reasonable to expect him to contribute towards bills while living with you.

Spoilt bastard

who has paid for the three kids university?

Easy come, easy go! Dont give them any more.

There are a number of separate things here:

1. It does seem like he hasn’t spent this money wisely, but you can’t dictate how a ‘gift’ is spent. It’s no longer your money.
2. I would expect most people who get into and then graduate from a top university to require some level of ambition and work ethic to do that. I’d be looking at what has caused such a change in him- is there a mental health issue?
3. You can’t impose your version of ‘ambition’ onto your DC. Intelligent people can still have different goals- some will want a high-flying career and others something that they enjoy. That is ok.

Feel so sorry for you OP - what a mess. No point looking backwards now, but for the future...

• No inheritance is to be provided to the younger siblings unless there is a specific plan for it to be spent for further education or for a deposit on a home. Not for travel or anything else which should be self-financed.

• Absolutely no further inheritance is to be provided to your eldest for the next several years. He also must be told that the grandparents stipulated the funds are only to be used for education or for a deposit on a home - nothing else.

• No help finding or paying for a flat for him. He is an adult and it is on him.

• If he chooses to support himself via inane Tiktok videos, that is his choice. So long as he supports himself and is not breaking the law, you cannot control that.

Clearly, your husband is the main problem and his enabling attitude will be the ruin of your three children if he does not control himself.

Perhaps it’s the circles she moves in. If she played a sport, especially at Blues level, or was deeply involved in music (Chapel Choir or Orchestras, for example), theatre or dance then she’d be surrounded by lots of people ‘playing hard’.

Oxford Shmoxford. He needs some life lessons now.

Hes 25 with a good education. Time to be —firmly booted— encouraged from the familial coop and grow up.

the fact that your H is quietly lobbing him 9k higher and that her is doing your son a disservice so unfortunately you’ll have to keep tabs on that.

salutory lesson for the next two kids.

So he he is making a living through tik tok. But it's not the kind of thing you would like him to be making a living from? I get that. It's not what you hoped for him. But maybe you have to move your expectations here. His life is not your life . I think you have to let him live his life. Ok, he spent a lot of money but now it sounds like he's making that back with TikTok so be grateful he's not dependent on you.

You talk about other family members..are you worried money will run out?