Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I think you need to talk to you husband first - you two are clearly not on the same page.

What is sad about having your own home, and a foot on the property ladder, @YourGreenCat? Different people enjoy different things, and that is absolutely fine, surely?

Yes, it’s good to make the most of the years when you don’t have too many responsibilities, but frittering away £50,000 goes waaaay beyond ‘enjoying your youth’ and straight into ‘utterly spoilt’ territory. Why not spend £10,000 on fun and travel, and save the rest for serious expenses like a house deposit?

Op are they kind or funny or do they have good friends or fun or interests or beliefs? You are very fixated on a certain model of achievement and there are other ways to live. You have bright, high achieving children who will do just fine. If life is easy for them good for them. It’s all relative isn’t it? An easier life compared to whose? I would focus on your relationship and on your happiness - you sound pissed off with them all! The husband I can understand! I mean I can also understand being fucked off - I suspect we are similar ages and it’s enough in itself!

Sounds like you reap what you sow. Sorry OP, but your children are overprivileged, spoiled brats.

Ur husband and the uncle are enabling him. It is good he has seen the world but it sounds like he has turned into a bum and he is getting bailed out all
the time, thinking he has it easy. He needs all the help to stop. Your husband is making him like this. Does he know there’s more money coming his way?? I would try to postpone that until he gets a grip and starts being responsible. £5k or £50 he has zero respect for money and or who gives him it. Yes its a gift for him to do whatever but he has no control over it when he knows daddy is gonna bail him out anyways. He won’t get a job now with what he studies so he has no direction. He needs to get a grip and man up. Keep him out the house, let him work for his money or sign on. Reality will soon hit.

That’s what happens when you give your children everything they ask for, and they are never told no.

Oh interesting!
How is to have a mortgage and a good job incompatible with having fun? Please explain.
How is a person who has a good regular wage less likely to be able to travel and explore the world? Just because they have to space their time travelling to fit with their holidays? I do not know.... Maybe someone who takes a two or three weeks trip appreciates it better than someone who has been doing this for 3 months solid?
A regular good wage makes easy enough to buy tickets for concerts, theatre plays, keep pets, go out to eat and so on.
This youbg man is a good example. Just left to spend money, one can spend fortunes in one month! Whatever is so enjoyable about that? There is no pride about it. If you work for your own keep, that makes you proud and gives you purpose and it does not negate you any fun!

My DDs are pretty sensible with money, but even so, the money gifts that I've given them have all been for something. For instance when one bought a her first home, I gave her the money for the legal fees and stamp duty. When the pregnant one's car completely died, I helped her with a ' new to her' car. Both DD's were hugely grateful after checking with me that I really could afford to do it.

But no way would I have given either that kind of money at 21, without a specific destination for the money.

When you're as wealthy as you and your DH clearly are, it's all the more incumbent on you to ensure that they understand the value of money. Because clearly they assume that you have money to burn, and your DH has confirmed that assumption.

I don't think you have a way out of this with your son. And if his siblings are aware of your largesse with him, I suspect that is going to be pretty difficulty to be any different with them.

I think you have to try to move past your disappointment for your own sake.

But yes absolutely he needs to move out asap and start standing on his own two feet. He’s got a degree, he’s healthy, he should be supporting himself. Don’t frame this as a punishment but as a totally normal life stage you are expecting him to undertake willingly. And of course he will always have a bed and a meal at your house but this should be for visits, emergencies or pre-agreed for a finite amount of time (like if he’s between flats for a couple of weeks or waiting to work abroad). It will be for the best for all of you- including him.

Quickest way to realise the value of money is to run out of it and face the consequences.

And yes don’t make the same mistake twice, if it’s your money don’t give anything to your younger children. Either wait until they are 30, or in a solid job and want to buy a house etc, then transfer directly to the solicitor!!

Just not true.
My dds got control of their money at 18.
They know thats all there is til we pop our clogs (!), so they have been sensible.
Dd1 has added to hers over the years and I think dd2 will do the same.
Dd1 is currently looking for a permanent graduate position (she has a temporary one atm) and dd2 is deciding whether to go to uni.
What they do is up to them, but working hard is non negotiable when you aren't born with a silver spoon/have industry contacts 🤷‍♀️

Does your husband come from a well off background where this kind of stuff is normal?

Do you live a lifestyle where 50k would actually make a difference to you, or is it money you’d have available anyway?

Did your son have full choice about his studies!? Exams, career path, uni etc.?

Its really come to something when people think its appropriate to slag people off for being sensible, buying property, saving well, getting a job. We are completely fucked as a country with these attitudes.

Such a middle class luxury and privilege to just 'worry about all that later'.

So you could say, he invested the 50k in setting up a small business as an influencer?

This generation is different to mine. Typically they don’t graft. They do the bare minimum or slightly less, they act selfishly, they don’t respect experience or wisdom. The world “owes them”. Many of them see the world burning down ecologically and want to enjoy it while they still can. Many of them genuinely don’t want a traditional job, relationship or family.

So your son would have worked pretty hard at Oxford. But he would also have played hard too. It is a fabulous experience and real life seems like a let down afterwards. I absolutely don’t blame him for wanting to travel.

Will he regret frittering away all that money? Maybe. We all have regrets. If he knows there is more to inherit, then he probably feels quite safe. With a STEM degree from Oxford he won’t be unemployable.

I think your fury is misplaced. He didn’t do what you would have done with the money; he didn’t appreciate your hopes that he would buy a home and settle down. But few men in their early 20s want to do that. They crave adventure and who can blame them?

I would let this one slide. And for gods sake stop your dh bailing him out any more!

I think there is a certain type of person that is called to long term travel, and they seem to absolutely cherish it. It would be a nightmare for me, but I can appreciate that for others they make lifelong friendships and memories!

It’s probably time to cut the apron strings and stop funding him all together. Any other gifts should be conditional if you feel strongly about how it should be used. He is free to refuse the gift if he doesn’t want to spend it accordingly.

It sounds as though you and your husband have a lot of money. Have your children grown up watching you both work hard? My parents have always been extremely generous with money (always offered, never requested), and I’ve always been grateful and sensible with it because I saw how hard they both worked for it.

The only other thing I’d say is that I think you need to remove your expectations of your children, and stop projecting your wishes for them onto them. I understand their potential, and it seems to you to be wasted, but this is their lives to live. They need to make choices for them, and find their own way to happiness (however that looks to them).

I think 25 as an absolute minimum age to hand out a large cash sum. I was given money saved by my grandparents when I was 18 or 19, a much smaller sum (£1000) but it was a long time ago, in the 80s. I spent the lot far too quickly on clothes and living expenses (as I also stupidly left home even though I was doing a course in the same city). Honestly I was such an idiot . So hopefully your son has had some great experiences, and will be more financially sensible as he gets older.
Engineering at Oxford is intense, maybe he did feel burnt out and needed to do something joyful for a while,

Exactly this and according to posters on here apparently he learned far more during travelling than his degree

Really

Sitting about most days rat arsed and doped up probably in any old bar with a load of other rich kids, great learning experience.

Don't give him any more money - then he'll have to get a job. He might regret spending the £50k when he has to pay rent because he has no house deposit; he might not regret it because he has memories he regards as priceless, but if he think he's spent more than enough on having a good time - which he certainly has - don't enable further freeloading.

Is he actually making money from social media? Anything close to £50k yet? I suppose if he's made a social media career out of travelling you could look at it as he invested the money in building a career. It's a pretty short lived, insecure and vacuous career but it's his choice I guess.

I’m not sure you can spoil your kids and then complain they are spoilt.

However, a gift is a gift. Once you give the money away it’s up to the recipient how they spend it. It would be nice to think, travelling the world should hopefully have have given him invaluable education and experiences and made him a more rounded human. Unless he was burning it in front of homeless people while spaffing champagne like an Eton tory rich boy.

Personally I’d rather see my kids experience the world at 23 than be a cog in someone’s machine and weighed down with a mortgage before they’ve had a chance to travel.

Throwing him out seems disproportionate. Supporting (maybe not financially!) and encouraging positive next steps would be better.

I have a dd at Oxford and nobody she knows ‘plays hard’ , there isn’t any time.

I think teaching young people about the value of money and the reason to work hard starts from childhood. Something seems to have gone awry here. I listened to the book ‘Psychology of Money’ recently and might be worth a listen. It could help you see this in the wider context of how money has been talked about in your family, society and social groups your son belongs to. And therefore why this happened. It happened in a particular context and it’s useful to try and understand.

I personally tend to agree it was totally daft to gift a young person so much without very specific agreement about what it was for. I would have thought deposit on a first property. But a bit late for that now.

YABU, you gave a young man in his 20s a shit ton of money and he spent it. Shocker.

At least he spent the money on memories he will never forget.

If he was lazy and unemployable it would be different but he has an engineering degree from Oxford. He has plenty of time to earn decent money.

He doesn’t have the money for a house deposit, he will have to pay extortionate rent for a while and live in the real world. His choice. I bet he doesn’t regret a thing.

Well, that's the thing.
Op's son knows there's more money on the the way and it seems that asking hos dad for £9k (and them more...) as a one off isn't a big deal.
Mind boggling for me, but it's how some people live.

It should have been given in a trust with restrictions on what it could be used for…it never should have been handed to him. Your husband has to stop bailing him out but that’s a separate issue.

This exactly. You haven't failed as a parent. He has an Oxford degree. Your daughter's at Durham, They may be a bit flighty and irresponsible now but they'll settle down. Bit of tough love and cutting off the cash pipeline will sort it.