Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

@YourOpenShaker - I am surprised about big sums of money being given to young people with little or no guidance on how it is to be used, but it’s too late for that now.

I think you are right that your son needs to move out, and see if he can maintain his lifestyle without access to the Bank of Mum and Dad. I suspect it will be a nasty shock to him, and may teach him a much needed lesson or two - as long as your dh doesn’t carry on throwing more and more money at him.

I am in the position of being able to pass on a substantial sum of money to my three dses, from my mum’s estate (via deed of variation), but they know this is to be spent on important things - down payment on a house, wedding costs, an extension etc - not frittered. I know I have no control once the money is handed over, but I also know I can trust my sons.

I think a 19 year old who decides to have a nice little mortgage, a nice little job is a very sad individual who should enjoy life a bit while they can!

You have to be responsible when you have children and a family to take care of. The time to enjoy yourself freely is before all that.

This is totally on you.

You gave him the money and so he was free to spend it as he wanted. Why didn’t you keep hold of it until he had something sensible to spend it on?

If he inherits directly from his DGPs then he will be able to piss that money away too. And DH gave him an extra £9k? Why?

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did

I mean, you do just keep giving him money. No wonder he doesn't see the value?

My very first TikTok video got over 16 million views, honestly it can be so random. His 100k followers are decent but him having a million views isn’t the accomplishment he thinks it is.

You have two problems:

1. His trend to quit jobs! Two, just after graduating. That is not good at all. His CV will not be attractive to future employers.
2. His abandoned way of spending money like there is no tomorrow. He is not assigning any value whatsoever to money. Likely because he did not need to lift a finger to get it.

I think you are right to give him a kick in the arse. Let him get out there and work for his dinner and a roof over his head. He will get the value of money soon enough.
Your husband is wrong. He should not give him any money! And then pay his ticket, on top of that!
Start working on your youngest too. Hopefully he will not follow on his brother's footsteps.
And your husband needs to be an example here. Presumably he has a good job and good earnings, as he can hand £9000 pounds for a long holiday to someone who has been on holiday already. He should have bought your DS a single return ticket and stop giving him money! And he needs to step up and make his sons see the value of money and the treasure a hard worker and good provider is.
This argument that he is young is BS! Ok, let him work for two years, save the money himself and then take a 3 months trip around. But spending inheritance on trips, clothes, cars or other things like this is not the way. His grandparents worked and saved for their descendants to build a good life. The money they refused themselves, the one they had but they did not use on a jolly, or new clothes, or extravagant purchasss, this should be respected. Your son should think of investing this money in long lasting ventures. Like a house for him and his future family, or furthering his degree, or opening his own business... Something that has the potential to make him a living and money he can pass further down the family..

@YourOpenShaker easy come easy go. And knowing that there is more inheritance to come just adds to that attitude.
As you say, your children are spoilt. They have no concept of working to get what they want as they get it anyway.
What's done is done but I think you and his father need to be on the same page about no more handouts or baling him out. He's more than had his fun and now needs to use his considerable intelligence to stand on his own 2 adult feet.

Complete stupidness giving it him when he graduated. Why didn’t you invest it for him? Just because he’s got a degree doesn’t mean he’s sensible. Gosh what a waste that would have paid off half my remaining mortgage.

This is the problem.

My DC were gifted a similar amount at a similar age. I knew it was coming so I gave them very harsh childhoods in terms of making them earn money, getting jobs at 14/15 and making them pay for everything they wanted.

I often felt like a bitch but they invested their money when they got it, and now have significant LISAs/funds for the future.

Unfortunately it sounds like you did not prepare your son for this money.

But maybe he will pull off an 'influencer' line of work - fingers crossed!

Maraudingmarauders · Today 17:14
I don’t believe travel is wasted money. Your title suggested he had spent it lying around at home and ordering just eat. What a wonderful things to e able to do, travel around the world with no timelines and deadlines. Just meeting people and experiencing different cultures. Once you but a house, you’re tied in a way to a particular type of life with responsibilities and a mortgage to pay. If he’s got more money coming in the future then perfect, he can use that for a deposit or start a business, or who knows - he might continue travelling. He’ll be a rich person for it.

I came on to say precisely this. He probably learned more, and certainly experienced way more than he did in his years at Oxford. He has probably gained insight into life beyond academia and engineering, and maybe his career will involve something entirely different. I think that you have been the foolish ones- you don't know your children very well, blaming THEM for being spoiled, FFS! But you have inadvertently given your son the best gift you possibly could have - an introduction to the world, experiences, memories he will cherish. My parents did the same for me 55 years ago, and the experience shaped me forever.

Exactly, "here's 9 grand but don't spend it all!" So why give him that much in the first place then?! 🙄😁
No wonder he doesn't know the value of money well if he keeps getting that much chucked at him.

They don't know the value of money or have an incentive to work. All you can do is cut off the magic money tree and hope they wise up.

I think there is always an element of risk in giving a young person a chunk of money. I also think you have to resolve with yourself before you give them the money that they may not be what you would define as sensible with it. Still, I 'd be furious too, especially with DH.

This is spot on. I’d be so disappointed in them but also reflect on my part in it. Lesson learnt, now you all need to live in the real world.

@YourOpenShaker My dad inherited a sum of money at around the same age, when his father died. He frittered it away without much to show for it.

My dad is genuinely THE MOST sensible, cautious person you'll ever meet! I couldn't believe it when he told me this! It's just what young people do - it doesn't necessarily mean your son will always be like this. He obviously has a good work ethic deep down to get his degree.

Well, there it is. If he wants to travel or buy a home or whatever in the future, he'll have to work for it. Yes, let him go in a flatshare and learn the value of money.

Meanwhile, maybe think about how to stop the other kids making the same mistakes. Maybe talk to the grandparents about what's happened and how to arrange things so it doesn't happen again? Like maybe they could agree to give deposits to the other DC when they're ready to buy a home, but only then, with the money going direct to the mortgage company. Or they could leave the money to you and you could do the same. Or some sort of trust arrangement. Make sure the other two DC understand that that's how it is and perhaps that, plus seeing that after their brother screwed up you didn't bail him out, will encourage them to be more sensible. Maybe they'll surprise you, anyway. I mean, your daughter's studying law but she has "no ambition"? Isn't her ambition...to be a lawyer?

I don't think you were stupid - a young man who's bright enough to go to Oxford should have been bright enough to see that in today's housing market he shouldn't have thrown away what he had. Just be tougher from now on - let ds live in flatshares with mean landlords or annoying flatmates and work his arse off to save a deposit (crappy flatshares can be quite the motivator) and let the others see him doing it. Maybe they'll moan that he "got money to go travelling" or whatever but just tell them that no, he got money, and they'll get the same amount, but he wasted it and they're not going to get the chance to. They can all three of them learn from this.

Can you imagine the absolute focus, hard work and dedication it must have taken to get into Oxford and to go on to graduate?

He didn’t waste the money, he used it to travel. He lied because he knew you’d be disappointed - you should reflect on that. And It was an inheritance, so not yours to withhold. You can feel disappointed in him if you want, but I’d be hard pressed to be disappointed in a son who has spent his entire life working hard to achieve an Oxford degree, simply because he spent his inheritance differently to his cousins!

My biggest regret was not travelling after university. Home ownership, children and life get in the way pretty quickly. I personally would be over the moon that he was able to experience freedom and life beyond academia for a short period before the reality of life sets in.

Wow😳. Your husband is going to ruin him

You gave him a gift. Once you have transferred it, you can't then complain about how that gift is used. I wouldn't have given the money because I would expect a young person to do exactly what your son did. I would have handed it over if he bought a property, having saved a deposit and obtained a mortgage. At least that way there is some evidence of responsibility.

I can't lie, I would love love love my child to take money and travel extensively before starting work. It was a dream I had, but I was broke. Managed a plane ticket to travel for two months (in one place). Yes 50k is a lot, but the value to his life is surely not a small thing. He has seen life outside of his bubble.

However, he didn't manage the cash well. 50k could have gotten him further for longer, but he decided to try it his own way. Okay, fair enough. DH bailing him out and the extra lying via TikTok would have pissed me off to no end. Those would be the focus of my anger. You're right to feel sad about it, especially if you compare the ones who made more sensible choices. He's lived. He's learned. No more bail outs.

He sounds incredibly immature! I’d kick him out and make him wish he hadn’t pissed the money up the wall.

I think this depends on your background. I bought my house at 21 & was this 'sad individual' but I had a very unstable upbringing & spent some of my childhood in domestic violence shelters. My own home meant EVERYTHING to me & having roots was & still is so important. I thankfully got to travel & enjoy life a bit later. This man is doing it the other way around with the added benefit that his family will fund him!

That is a hell of a lot of money to spend on travel, sounds like he has been living the high life!

Hopefully having to pay rent and bills will sharpen his mind. I would be absolutely fuming and so, so disappointed and upset about this.

His grandparents wanted all the grandchildren to have the money