Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I bought my first flat at 22. Not everyone is a complete tit until 30

I suspect I will be in your position one day. I'm bracing myself for that feeling of crushing disappointment.

Agree

Your husband sounds like an enabling prat tbh

This. Cut him off and you'll find he learns to stand on his own two feet much quicker. Children who are spoiled often don't learn the value of money.

I came into some money in my early twenties and went travelling. Do not regret that at all. Plenty of time for mortgages and children. Precisely the age to do it. P.s. you sound envious of the tiktok followers lol

Your DS sounds like someone who probably worked really hard at school and university and got to a point where he needed to let off steam. I think there are worse things he could spend his money on and ultimately his biggest security in terms of finances is the degree that he still holds which will open doors for him. I would try to take a step back from it and let him figure things out. I certainly wouldn’t give him any more money for the time being though!

This. No WAY would I gift a 23 year old young man £50K! Especially not one still living at home. (Or a 23 year old young woman actually.) Many at that age are irresponsible and shite with money.

Awaits the tales of 19 year olds who had a mortgage and a home of their own, and £30K saved in the bank. 🙄

Don't waste your time please, most people under 25 will NOT be very responsible adults with their own home!

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I actually doubt he will regret it, he has very good qualifications and will be able to get a good job when he needs to.

I don't think travel is a waste. He's clearly had the time of his life. And tiktok is a good income for many people.

But you hand 50k to a 21 year old and there's a good xhance they'll piss it away.

You and you H are handling this at two complete extremes. He is enabling it and throwing more money at him, I'd guess his family is where all the money is coming from.

You are feeling quite bitter, angry and maybe even a bit jealous.

You know you need to teach you kids better the value of money, responsibility, work ethic, so focus on how you're going to help him with that, and your other kids. At the end of the day, he's the product of his upbringing, if you don't like it, change it. Don't just throw your kids away because you fucked them up abit.

Hmmm I've voted YABU, even though I can see why you're disappointed and wanted more from them.
However, once it's handed over, if it's a gift, you can't dictate what someone does or doesn't spend their money on.

Yeah, I'd be pig sick about this. £50k at 25 years old, jesus. They carp on and bloody on about boomers, but my god this up coming generation are going to have inheritances coming our their ears.

I cashed in a pension to go travelling, so I imagine you can guess I’m not sure what you’re so stressed about. You gave him money (not all of it yours anyway) and he spent - not wasted, spent - it on something you don’t approve of. But it’s his money, his life, and his choice, not yours.

How is travelling across Asia, Australia and South America wasting money?
Every spare penny I get goes towards travelling.
You might of wanted him to buy a house, car, whatever but he didn't want to, no need to destroy your relationship over it.

Accept that he is privileged and doesn't have a cautious approach to spending but it seems like you have a lot to do with that.
No more bailing out and he'll start putting his (probably decent) tiktok earning towards more serious stuff.

I’m afraid I used to refuse to employ people who had an awful lot of gaps and a lot of travelling on CVS because whilst I do understand the appeal , after having 2 mid 20 somethings quit after 10 months to go travelling, when they had 8 months travelling before starting I came to the conclusion they saw travelling ‘Asa career’ and would be better off making you tube content. I woukd feel as you do OP - 3 months , maybe yes , but if making a habit of it they need to knuckle down and make money - if they do, then they can go travelling as much as they want, on their own dollar!!

Did he have a year out before uni? Did he have an opportunity to let his hair down before this?

The concept of working hard to live well has been dead for a long time. Plenty of people work hard and still get minimal income and struggle to get by.
Your son has achieved things - a degree which isn't going anywhere and, what sounds like, a fairly successful SM account which may or may not earn him money or, at the very least, the lifestyle he wants.
Just because you don't think his venture is legitimate, doesn't mean he should be "working hard" at 9-5.
Yes, he "wasted" the money, Again, that's by your standard. I got a mortgage at 25 and, boy, do I wish I travelled and lived a little. Instead, I "worked hard", wasted my youth on it really. I never got to climb mountains, drive through Australia or jump out of a plane. Every moment of my 20s and 30s was spent tied up to that mortgage and constant mental pressure that came from it. Selling my flat was the happiest day of my life. I now have nomadic lifestyle and finally reclaiming my youth at 40+

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing.

In fairness to him, he’ll have spent the past decade of his life studying continually to achieve such a prestigious degree. It’s no wonder he went a bit wild once he finally had freedom from academia.

He’s also clearly terrible with money because I have no idea how you manage to burn through all that so quickly, but it was his to spend. You can’t really attach conditions to gifts like that. Sounds like he’ll land on his feet either way and you’ve clearly got more than enough yourself, no point in ruminating on it now

Oh cool, are all Gen Zs getting £50k? I'll tell my daughter- she'll be thrilled 😂

I'd be furious, too, op!
In my case, the money we've saved for our dc is all there is...no flats or further money coming their way.
I'd feel really sad too, and I feel for you.
Ime people who have everything handed to them on a plate are rarely people that others respect or like (unless they are paying the bill, of course!)
One of my friends kids is similar...very bright, first from Durham, has does nothing since graduating their masters last year. And I mean nothing, not even volunteering. Any job suggestion is met with derision and the clear view its "beneath them".
There is plenty of money in that family, too, and her dh also just makes excuses and throws money at her.
I've always made it clear to my dc that they will always have a roof over their head and be fed, but if they want a full and purposeful life, then they need to work hard. I also think its really important to volunteer in the community. For older dd it was the local foodbank, for dd2 it's an animal charity.
I don't think travelling is a bad use of anyone's time, but it can be done without spaffing £50k! Was he bankrolling others whilst there?
Dd1 spent most of last summer travelling and going away with friends, but she had been saving for it and it cost maybe £4k in total?
I suspect the fact it was money from your parents is also why you are so upset - I can understand that.
But I'd be talking to the Trustees/executors of your parents estate to postpone paying out more until 35?

Yep this he quit a job to make TikTok videos. His videos have done very well. He’s gotten over a million views on a few videos for him it seems like a career thing. It’s easy he doesn’t have to do much and he’s his own boss. My husband loves it thinks our son is great, find all the social media stuff quite interesting and is intrigued by it.

@YourOpenShakerI’m on the fence a bit here as I can see both sides and at this age we know how tough life can be and how much more that £50k could have become in monetary/asset terms. Really, that’s not what life is about - it’s about experiences and memories, living for the moment and being fulfilled, isn’t it?

Please don’t feel you’ve failed him just because he didn’t put down a deposit on property or similar. He has the confidence and desire to travel and see the world, embrace other cultures and broaden his horizons and you gave him that confidence during his upbringing. A nervous, anxious person wouldn’t do what he’s done, not easily anyway.

I travelled in my early 20s and don’t regret a second of it. I’ve had a lifetime of fantastic memories to look back on, been to some of the most beautiful and amazing places on the planet and met hundreds of fascinating people. I grew in confidence massively and went on to have a career, home and family (so ended up on the ‘conventional’ path I guess) eventually, enriched by this travel. ‘Travelling’ is so much more than a holiday. If I had my time again I’d love to travel for longer and further afield. It’s so much easier these days with WiFi and social media too, and people can make real money from sharing their travels.

Try and be proud that you gave him wings to fly - he’s certainly done that, and some. He’s had experiences perhaps his grandparents couldn’t have so has lived a full life for them in a way. I bet they’d be delighted and would prefer he’d spent the money that way rather than getting bogged down on the hamster wheel. We often think about inheritance that the deceased worked and saved hard for that money, so we should do the same with it.

However, it does sound a bit like he knows the money he’s given by your DH will always be available and he should realise that he has to take responsibility and live within his means wherever he is in the world. ‘Bank of mum and dad’ at his age should be the last resort!

The 50K, I totally get why you're annoyed and feel he's wasted it, but it was a gift and therefore it's right that it came without strings. I'd rather the grandparents had explicitly said it was for a house deposit, or kept it in trust or something until he was ready to look for a house, but there it is.

I'd be more pissed off at your husband sending him 9K (obviously without any discussion with you) and then him asking to have his flight tickets home bought for him.

I would be cross too, I wouldn't mind the travelling part but would have encouraged a tighter budget e.g 30 percent of the money on travel & the rest to go towards your future/housing. A long chat & more boundaries & expectations regarding managing money is needed & I would absolutely be expecting rent as life does not come for free even if you are a wealthy family. It's not too late to try & teach some financial responsibility & I do accept it is tricky if you come from a background of being well off & you & your husband need to be on the same page. Good luck & you have not failed, no one's kid's are perfect x

Ok, this just makes you sound jealous.
Sometimes you can make a good living off social media platforms such as Tiktok.
If he's built up a successful following and getting invited to places off the back of that, good on him.
Sounds like in your eyes, it's only work if you're hard grafting, and want him to suffer a bit to "prove himself."