Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

Why are you so controlling?

There's more to life than a mortgage - and I do have one. But I also went travelling.

You know what? If I hadn't gone travelling, I probably would have a bigger house, brilliant. Do you think I would be happier?

You want to punish your child for having raised him with no concept of money? Blame yourself, don't blame him

But you are being ridiculous to be so outraged and controlling over the life of an adult. Calm down before you meet his future wife and act as ridiculously as you are now if you don't like her.

You think you failed because he didn't join the workplace early? And had a burnout at 40? Because you know how many people have?

Stop projecting, let him live his life, he has a degree, life experience, he will have to work. If he has a work ethic that put him through his degree, he'll be fine. He's letting some steam out, better now than when in a job for 10 years with a wife and kids in tow.

ps I think your DH is acting like a complete idiot over this.

Did he not work hard to graduate from Oxford with an engineering degree?

Privately educated by any chance? Amongst me and my cousins some are privately educated and some are state. The state have outperformed the private school kids in life.

he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

how can a MOTHER resent her own child for being lucky and having a happy life, is beyond me.

Who's fault is that? You can't have it both ways, you've been able to give your children everything they wanted which is all a parent dreams of doing. And now your complaining about the consequences.

You do sound bitter and jealous. His life, his choices.
Why do you think he has to "work hard" to earn money?
My DD had to work a minimum wage job whilst at university. She would have to work 6 hours on her feet without a break, without even a sip of water. Or 12 hours with just a half hour break.
She worked incredibly hard and ended up in hospital with sepsis because she was so run down.

Why would you want that for your children?

I would love to have gifted her £50k to go travelling, what an incredible experience!

£50k isn’t that much. Sorry but it isn’t. I bought a not that great car last month for £20k and 2 bog standard sofas from DFS and that’s £22k gone in one month on basically nothing. Much more interesting to travel for over a year to exotic and exciting places. Since his education has been hard work and he has the certification now. It’s his life. I wish I had travelled extensively and had fun instead of being so bloody sensible.
He will earn very well once he is back to ‘normal’. don’t begrudge him some fun and excitement while he’s young and worked hard to get his academics in order before he let loose.

Why?

I agree.

25 is still young, he'll mature and become more responsible.

I'd be furious with both my son and my husband over this. Utterly furious.

I would be furious as well. We have money saved for dd, but we gave it set up with controls. She can’t spend it on whatever she wants. Some of it is earmarked for education. Some of it she can’t access until she reaches retirement age. We also take financial education seriously. the endless conversations in compounding interest might get boring, but they are important.

you know you made a mistake with your eldest. You can still correct that with your younger children. Even if you can’t put legal controls on the money, you can educate them on the value of using this money to invest in their future.

as for your son, I would expect him to fend for himself. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. If he wants to live at home, he needs to work full time and pay rent. Not a token rent, real rent. Don’t save it for him either. He messed up. He needs to struggle a bit. He also has to deal with living a restricted lifestyle because living with your parents is not the same as living independently and traveling the world. You shouldn’t have to give up the privacy and comfort of your home to accommodate him living like a 23 year old typically wants to live.

If my husband kept funneling money to our child in this situation I would look into splitting finances to limit his ability to go do.

engineering degree from Oxford and travelling around the world before setting down at 25 when he has his entire life in front of him?

Who's outperforming who here...

This is I think tricky

whose definition of “wise” ?

if I was super rich I’d be happier travelling the world than building even more savings or buying a house

because he has money he can do things that others can’t , tha doesn’t make his choice automatically foolish. He might value the experiences and fun over the office grind. And if the world implodes in a couple
of years time as a result of climate change he’s the one who would be laughing - getting his kicks before the whole things goes to shit

children of rich families often turn out like this - I don’t know why the surprise

OP I would be livid too.

In MN-world, all you can do is "support" your children and "not judge" them. It's bonkers. It is totally okay to tell people if you consider they have behaved badly, and it is also okay for actions to have consequences.

For context- I worked through my teens and saved thousands. I spent much of it during my first year, being 18yo and stupid with money.

You know my parents did? Left me to it. I then had much, much less spending money for my second and third years. The result was, I had one crucial first step in managing my finances. It was a lifelong lesson.

I think you are right to be angry. It is okay to express this to your son, moderately. It is also okay to say you are not supporting him anymore. Also, depending on the relationships, I would consider if other potential bequests are coming from close family, you could talk to them.
If they "just want little Johnny to have the money", not much you can do, but if they are people who want to benefit him through buying a house or whatever, you can point out to them he has burnt through one inheritance. They may wish to bequeath him the money but packaged up differently.

My parents have done this with my sister. She had executive dysfunction and spends money like water. They therefore give her the same as the rest of us, but for specific purposes, like paying for work to her house or getting her things. This helps her organise better.

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me I'm controlling!

I do agree with this. I also think earning money on Tiktok isn't nothing, for all that it doesn't seem like a proper job (I suspect a lot of what us oldies think of as proper jobs will soon be gone so nothing wrong with some entrepreneurial spirit). I also think that there are worse things he could have done than spending the money on travel.

The big problem here seems to be the lack of agreement between OP and her husband. You can whatever approach you like but if you're undermining one another then it's not going to work.

So .. he travelled the world, and is now earning money via Social Media, and seems to be doing quite well at it.

What’s wrong with not wanting to do a 9-5? If you can’t try new stuff when you are young, then when can you? You have a lifetime to be an adult and be stuck paying bills and money, and all that stuff.

It’s only money, not worth ruining your relationship over.

Why did he send him 9k? Presumably it came out of joint funds?

You and your husband need to decide if you want to have responsible, likeable children or spoilt brats. Stop giving them everything on a plate ffs.

Well if his grandparents wanted him to have the money at this age, then it's to be expected that he would do something like this, especially as he, I presume, has grown up in comfortable circumstances, so he's not desperate to save for the future. Hopefully he'll learn some life lessons soonish. Don't blame yourself.

I think I’d also be disappointed, but you could view it that he’s funded his “gap year” he’s got himself a good degree, he’s got the potential to earn well if he so chooses, he will sort himself out.
What if life isnt kind to him and he gets ill or run over by a bus? He might be glad he travelled when he had the chance!

That is nuts! I see where your problem is!! They've never had anyone say no.

I would have been livid with my DH if he did something like that.

I had access to 25K more than that at 18 after suffering a life changing, horrific injury. I suppose most of my peers would have spent it frivolously, but I told everyone I wanted to invest in property, ie, buy my first house and be set up for life. I also spent 3 years travelling after leaving college.

The point is I have always been sensible and level headed with money. Some people are and some people are not. No amount of money can make up for immaturity and short sightedness.

It was his money to spend how and when he chose. It wasn't a loan, it was a gift. I hope he had happiness from it.

Life is short. You never know what's coming. Take it from someone who almost died at nine. You cannot be cross. You can only wish that he's happy.

You’re angry because you assumed because your kids are academically intelligent, that they’re financially savvy and wise, which is so rarely the case!

Youre also mad because your son, for all his prospects and opportunities, seems to be throwing it away on an aimless life and you’re worried about this instability in his future.

And you’re angry because you now recognize that spoiling your kids and bailing them out has done them a huge disservice because between your handouts and their academic abilities, they don’t feel they have to try.

I totally get where you’re coming from, but please try to remember that they’re young and looking for adventure. Sure, you’ve done a number by giving your son the financial means to piss everything up the wall, but he won’t recognize the opportunity he had until he’s forced to stand on his own feet. So let him.

You can be mad and still love him, just stop bailing them all out. And stop expecting them to make serious adult decisions at a young adult age.

23 year olds aren’t known for their savvy life choices…

I guess he will run out of money eventually if he spends all his inheritances as will his siblings. In some ways I agree why work if you have money to live on? Working isn't that great really if you have an alternative like travelling the world.

I spent my savings (presents/inheritance from grandparents and parents over the years) on going to Singapore and Australia when I was 19. It wasn't anything like as much money as £48k + £9k but it was vaguely suggested that I should save it for something sensible. However, it was my money and I wanted to travel. I am nearly 50 now and don't regret that trip at all. I've always earned my own money and understand the value of it.

I think your husband is responsible for his shitty entitled attitude towards money TBF and it sounds like your DS will never be broke if you've got the kind of money to bail him out with £9k. He lost the money and that's his lookout. One day he may regret it.