Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I'd be disappointed but I'd be more annoyed at DH for sending him another £9k without even discussing it with me first. He could have said it must be repaid instead of gifting it to him.

A gift is a gift, you can't control what he spends it on.

We have a similar amount for our sons but have given it in chunks for certain things such as their first cars and the remainder for house deposits which has worked out really well.

Once you give it its his go spend as he wants and he's going to have some great memories.

Good on him, give him some credit at least, that's not an easy thing to do. You should be proud of him.

@Crushed23 Yes, a gap year is wonderful!

But, I doubt that you came home at 25, declared that you don’t want get a “proper job” and expected your parents to house and financially support you.

It’s that part that I begrudge, he seems to view his parents as workhorses who should provide for him and now also house his girlfriend He’s a grown man, not a teenager!

OK, perhaps he will become the next Mr. Beast at some point, but in the meantime, he can do his TikTok p-t and also work.

I read threads like these and thinking fucking hell. It baffles me that adults with loving parents, who are clearly bright and have been given a financial leg up are so feckless.

I have no parents, will have no financial boosts from anywhere in my lifetime and graft endlessly and cannot imagine being so stupid with a gift like that. And I’m saying this as someone who really values travel.

@Rosealea It sounds as if TikTok could work out for him, but in the meantime, being invited to events doesn’t pay the electricity and WIFI bills that enable him to make his content.

Like many people in creative fields, he can find a job to pay his bills until his TikTok career really takes off. A healthy 25-year-old can’t expect his parents to financially support him just because he doesn’t want to get a proper job.

What I took from your post is that whilst you have children who are smart and can get through GCSEs and A levels. It does appear that there has been some influence in getting them to study for jobs that pay well as opposed to jobs they really want to do

I think it is the lack of ambition and the resignation that they are heading down a certain path because that’s what they have been persuaded is where their future lies even though it bores the pants off them

I am not surprised at your eldest’s reaction on being given £50k and using it to escape.

Why are you organising work placements in law offices for your dd when it should be clear to you and everyone looking at this situation that your dd is never going to become a solicitor.
She hates it.

You do seem overly involved with your children and then you call them spoilt.

Are you giving your dc what you want or what you think they want or what you think is best for them and ignoring their opinion

I think if you don’t have parents then you cannot experience having someone pressure you to do something you find completely boring as a career
To the point where blowing through the £50 k looks more like therapy
and then hearing that the daughter is screaming out that she doesn’t want to do law but the parents aren’t listening

It is so frustrating. I can see the daughter repeating the same as her brother.

@FairKoala You may have a point that the OP is pushing her children towards careers that they’re not interested in.

But I still can’t get past the fact that a healthy 25-year-old is expecting his parents to keep him. Fair enough if he wants to have a creative career, but surely he realizes that successful creatives (artists, actors, influencers, etc.) hold down other jobs until they hit the big time?

This is what money does most of the time. If they get given it they won’t work for it.

It's his money and he can do what he likes with it. Reading between the lines it sounds like he wanted to kick back and have fun after 20 odd years of being a Good Boy and doing everything his parents pressurised him into doing.

If you want any sort of relationship with your kids at all start realising pdq they are their own people, not a mini you or a mini DH or someone to live your own ambitions through. Do you even like them at all? Do you love them? It sounds not very much from.the OP. I hope it isn't real as it all sounds like such a typical rich but dysfunctional family cliché.

Wealth without work is the first of Mahatma Gandhi’s Seven Social Sins and your husband is an enabler.

You spoilt him as a child this is what happens with rich kids, just hope he doesn’t get into drugs then you will have a real problem

LOL. You gave him £50k. When you give someone a gift, it's up to them what they do with it. if you've got that kind of money lying around, then I assume he will also get a big windfall when you pass away. Plus he has an Oxford degree. He's very likely going to have very few money concerns in the future, so why shouldn't he enjoy himself now?

Like you OP, I would have also been furious.

We have helped our children out with a large sum of money each and despite what some have said here, it absolutely came with strings attached. We worked bloody hard to be in the position we are in. I went back to work when each of our children were very small. The wealth came about little by little.

When my mother died, she left me with debts, not money, so to be able to get to a position where we could help was a big deal for us. Had any of our children looked like they wouldn't be able to handle the money, then it would not have been given to them until many years from now.

When we told them about the money, they were told it was to be spent to help their futures, not to be spent on things like cars, that depreciate very quickly. We made a few suggestions, but they were to come to us when they had a plan for how they would like to use the money.

One child and their partner both work, they're married and saving. They will use it for a deposit on a home when they're ready to buy. The others pooled their money and used it as a deposit on an investment property. They opened an account, took out a mortgage and now each contribute a set amount each week towards paying the place off. Their plan is that once paid off, the place will be worth enough that they can sell and each of them will have enough for a more substantial deposit on their own places.

As for being young and wanting to travel, they're all still doing this. The whole family has the travel bug, but they do what they would have done before the money, save up, search for bargains and do what they can afford.

Obviously once they sell the place, we would not have any further say in what they do with the money, but based on how they all live their lives, I'd be shocked if any of them wasted the head start they've been lucky enough to have.

Ah there's a lot to unpack here.

First of all, you haven't failed as a parent. What on earth makes you think that?

My 18yo DD is at the same uni as your DD (first year though). She lives at home with me. She doesn't work right now, lives off her student finance/grants etc. The first year is the "fun year" apparently.

I don't charge her anything to live here as she isn't working yet.

She spends her money on going out getting rat arsed, takeaways and vapes. But she also buys everything for herself (food, clothes, make up etc) and all associated uni costs.

It doesn't cost me much for her to be staying at home, she's either at uni or out living her best life.

And I absolutely love it.

She's young, she's studying hard, I WANT her to have this time enjoying herself (also I get to see her lots which is amazing, she's my little bestie. I'd hate for her to move out yet!).

However.

I wouldn't let this continue indefinitely, past her first "fun" year, things will have to change if she remains at home, and she knows that.

Also would I (if I had it) give her 50k in one go? Would I SHITE!!! That was your first mistake.

Regardless, your son is definitely of an age that he can be contributing. I'm sorry, I wasn't able to read all the comments (neurological condition) but is he contributing to the household? Apologies if you've already said.

If he's living at home and making money via TikTok or however else, then he needs to contribute.

I personally think he's done very well with the TikTok stuff (it's not as easy as you'd think!).

I feel like he's had a great few years travelling and enjoying himself, and made memories most of us could only dream of. He's then found his niche (or feels he has, with the TikTok stuff).

Everyone is different and I feel your disappointment is more aimed at the fact that he hasn't ended up doing what YOU wanted him to do for a career. That's why you think you've failed. Cos he hasn't followed the path you envisaged. This is your second mistake.

He needs to do what makes him happy, ultimately. Not try to conform to what you expected of him. I feel this is what dad thinks too.

Is your son happy? Isn't that the main thing?

Him being happy is not the main thing if it comes at the financial cost of his parents or their happiness. So much of this is what is wrong with the current generation. Happiness above all else. There is a lot to be said for accountability, responsibility and growing up to be a contributing member of society.

Um, yes, I am aware. My point was more that inferring someone's education level from their SPAG on social media is often less than useful.,

You are not alone! There’s even Bible stories about this phenomenon. Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of bloody stew, showing that youths thousands of years ago would make silly mistakes too.

I think what makes your job harder in today’s modern society is that there is a whole culture promoting laziness, self-indulgance and vanity. This is dressed up as ‘living your best life’ and so forth, but it is ultimately very destructive.

Further, the phenomenon of massive inheritances is much more widespread. One half of our nation’s youth has given up hope because without an inheritance they will never get on the property ladder. Might as well just have an life on the dole. The other half have given up making an effort because there’s a few hundred thou’ on the horizon from various soon-to-be-departed grannies. Might as well have an easy life.

It’s good that you recognise the long term effects of children being spoiled. The most you can do is give repeated messages about the benefits of hard work and saving, promoting these values as ‘self-care’, a form of investing in oneself.

That's why I said he should be contributing.....

It's the entitlement that I find infuriating. He's had £50k but knows Dad will bail him out and gets another £9k!
Nowhere to live, no problem I'll just live at home.
Girlfriend from Australia, no problem, she can just move into family home too.
Work...nah, I'll give up posts that others would chew their arm off for.

I just hope he does realise how fortunate he is and has some gratitude. Without that there really is no hope!

Nb...he doesn't have to be an engineer to build F1 cars, he could go onto the floor and literally build them!

I agree.

indeed, what else is he going to do with that money if not spend it lol

I don't think travel is a waste of money. But maybe he didn't need to spend the whole 50K on it. But he's in his twenties. You don't think long term at that age, you just don't. So to be honest, I understand why you gave him the money but if my parents had done that, I would probably have done the same. It sounds like you expect him to live the conventional life of education, degree, job, house, marriage, 2.4 children, golden labrador. But life is short, houses are stupidly expensive, he got the opportunity to travel with 50K and he took it. He's experienced things I haven't, yet, and your 29s is the best time to do it, I think. I understand you are annoyed but it was a present to him, unless there were conditions on how it was to be spent?

I don't think you have failed OP, you sound like you have supported your children to become very confident, high achieving young adults.

Unfortunately I think the generation they are in are so influenced by the social media portrayal of life the lose touch with reality. I think the best way forward here is to support any future choices but without that support being financial unless there is a clear plan in place of what it is you are actually financing. Because you do sound like you are in a financially privileged situation to be able do this, but your DH needs to understand the difference between supporting a plan and just bankrolling adults who are just freeloading at this point. It's not helpful to them and isn't setting them up for any success in the future.

As far as the money goes, I can see why you would be dissapointed, but it sounds like he had a career trajectory that in the scheme of things he could have clawed back so made good memories with it, but perhaps it's his choices since that are more concerning, and not teaching him the reality of these choices will harm him more. I'd love to have a go at being an influencer or creative type instead of my current career, but if be faced with a short sharp reality check when my mortgage payments wouldn't be made with no food in the house! Financial maturity can only really be taught when there are consequences.

Don't be so hard I yourself OP, you sound like you have done everything from a place of love! Also sometimes they are just idiots at this age, I remember by brother coming home halfway through his first semester saying he was quitting to play golf full time because he needed a rest (he was never going to be good enough to make a career of it, he just wanted to enjoy himself!). That plan promptly went out the window when my parents asked how he would fit it in around the full time job he would need to pay rent etc because as a fully capable adult he would not be living unemployed back at home!