Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I'm a physician and the child of two physicians. We grew up very wealthy. We were thought the value of money from a young age, unfortunately you didn't instil this in your children !

Maybe because some women don't have kids until they are in their late 30s or early to mid 40s? I graduated in 1992. I'm 56. So I couldn't have a son in their 20s? Maybe it's you that can't count tbh

Parable of the talents

Think of it as an incentive for him to start working and earning without the safety net of a lump sum.

My cousin did something similar after his mother left him money in her will, she stipulated that he was to have the money when he was 28 in the hope that by then he would be sensible with it, his idiot father challenged the will and he was given the money when he was 21. Whooooosh, that is the sound of it disappearing from his bank account as he blew it on a time share bought on a whim with a friend, unfortunately the week they bought was in school term time, not good for him as his wife (another hasty mistake) was a teacher.

I would be annoyed too. I kept telling my kids it is so important to save money as affording a house would be so much hard for them than for me and my husband. Both my kids did A-Levels but instead of going to University they both got an apprenticeship. My son is 22 and has managed to save about £50,000. He is so careful with his money. I think I have made him a bit of a tight sod but I know he will have no problem getting a mortgage when the time comes when he wants to buy a house

"the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is."

Think this part is applicable to both you and your husband. Sounds like you live very privileged existence to have all this money sloshing about.

£50k as a gift to early 20's kid. Madness.

He got his job and then you took away all his motivation to go to it. Why would you do that to him? You've sabotaged him to be honest.

This is a you problem. Don't give any money to any kids without it being earnt.

Cut off your other kids financially now. If they want money they get a job or a volunteer position and you pay them equivalent of national minimum wage for each hour volunteered.

Or link it to achievements with a set amount agreed for exam grades, next belt in martial arts, new song learnt on instrument, progression at cadets, duke of edinburgh achievment, even a new pb at the local park run - anything that builds their skills - incentivise your kids - dont just give money for nothing.

Sounds like money and inheritence has skewed you all and none of you have touch with the reality of the majority of people in this country.

Why dont you set yourself a household budget, equivalent to you and your husband bringing in 37.5hrs per week at minimum wage so pay yourself each £1,658.53 per month so £3,317.06 total for you both and thats it for your family. And that figure is after deductions and nest 4%pension.

Thats all youve got to live on for everything as a family. Im sure that will bring into focus just how wasteful and poor caretakers of money you have all been.

How long it would take you to save £50k or even the £9k with that household income. How privileged you all are and how wasteful youve been.

Do that for 3 months and that might give you all some insight into how crazy it has been to give a youngster £50k gift!

Hopefully you can make things right with your younger kids and spoilt mindset isnt too ingrained.

You and your husband have caused this, now its on you both to try and make it right. Good luck.

He appears to be contentedly moving out to live in a house share with friends and his girlfriend. In a relationship sufficiently solid that she's moved across the world to be with him. He's got himself a career as a Tiktok influencer, has 100k followers and is being invited to influencer events. No doubt he's getting sponsorships, advertising revenue and PR gifts too, if it's anything like YouTube. That is to say, he's successful and probably will be earning enough to support himself easily in at least a basic standard of living. Just how much more "adult" does he need to be at 25 in order to gain your approval? Just because OP can't swan around saying her son is a home-owning engineer with investments doesn't mean his life's activities are, or have been, a waste of time.

I hate people who think that travel is a waste of money. The boy spent 50k truly living - seeing the world, meeting new people, experiencing different cultures. To me thats an amazing use of money. When he's elderly and on his death bed, i bet he will be SO grateful that he made this decision!

What a horrible miserable thread. The OP is getting attacked from all angles from the pious pompous Karen's

Good idea for him to find his own place - I do honestly think it benefits people to move out and stand on their own. Little incentive to do much else if they can live at home having an easy life. I wouldn't phrase it as it being a punishment though. More along the lines of "you're a grown man now, you need to make your way in the world".

My parents and family have given me a few chunks of money over the years (nothing like £48k!). But they paid for "proper" things. My grandparents paid £1k towards my first lot of rent at uni. My parents had £3k they'd saved for me, that could go towards further education, a marriage or a deposit for a house. I'd definitely do similar for his next chunk of cash (lucky boy!). It's your money at the end of the day - you don't have to choose to give it to your adult son, to spend on beer.

Actually, making a level of success on social media is really quite hard work in its way, and theres definitely an element of hustle. Plus he sounds as if he has strong interpersonal skills. I can understand that you are angry, and probably disappointed, but some people just take a long time to "settle down." He'll get to it when he's ready for it. In the meantime he is in what seems like a committed relationship and has a fun and interesting life. Its really important, though, to get on the same page with your husband about any future financial support, and to think things through together. Though I dont think its wrong for your husband to have helped him with a plane ticket home, no matter how stupid your son had been with money - getting stuck in ths States is no joke, as i discovered once. And of course if you dont give your other children the same money at the same age that will be perceived a very unfair, so prepare what you are going to say to them about it. Don't beat yourself up too much - you have clever, charming academically achieving children; they just don't want what you want, and have yet to come against some of the harsher realities of life.

okay. 24/25 whatever!

Did the grandparents stipulate an age for the grandchildren to receive the 💰?
Did you genuinely have no idea your son would be so 💩 with money? There must have been clues - surely?

Cant change it now, but I would be having words with your husband to not hand over rescue money again without discussions with you.

You are right to kick him out.

It sounds like a bad case of arrested development. It can be remedied by cutting off the flow of easy money.

Your husband is hobbling this young man by funding his indolence, and I suspect he intends to keep on bankrolling him in whatever flat he ends up in.

It's not normal for very promising young graduates of leading universities to decide to 'go traveling' and blow that much money with nothing to show for it.

Along with kicking him out, I'd be wondering about mental health issues. Bipolar manic phase behaviour might be at play here.

I grew up being handed money, having a private education.

It was only when I was living on my own as a single Mum did I grow up. I was then juggling an undergraduate degree, helping my Mum who had Cancer, and helping her with my Stepdad who had dementia. Being a parent, running a home with a part time job and topping it up managing on student loans. My Dad helped me with a few bills, but other than that, I was bringing up a child without the financial input of my ex.

I wished I had travelled when I was younger, got my degree at a more appropriate age where I could be free and have fun. But I achieved so much on my own. I got a masters degree, which I paid for myself. I paid for my daughter’s school fees myself.

Sometimes, it takes a little while to grow up and be responsible. You can’t expect a young lad to be a grown up. Who the heck wants a house in their early 20s. I had my own home at 20. It’s a lot of responsibility, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone at 20. Be free, enjoy yourself, because you are in a job for many years!

I get your disappointment, but you have enabled this and your DH continues to.

I'd leave him to sort his life and money out. Yoyr DH needs to do the same. I'm not saying don't help if he's desperate, I'm saying don't pay for his lifestyle.

I honestly don't get how doing nothing is even life. Life needs a purpose, maybe he will eventually find one...

I think there is a disconnect between the expected work ethic of people today and those trying to enter the workforce. Younger people have the internet at their fingertips and are realising they don’t all have to cave into a job, mortgage and marriage asap.
There are ways to live a full and enriching life without having a standard 9-5.

What’s done is done @YourOpenShaker , the money’s been spent and there’s no point fretting about it.

Having said that, at 25 he can’t expect his parents to keep financially supporting him because he doesn’t want to work properly (I presume he’s not earning enough from TikTok to really be financially independent?) Most adults don’t have a choice of whether to work enough to pay their bills, they just have to do it. What would happen, for example, if you and DH also decided not to work much and no one could keep the household afloat anymore?!

In short, he’s not a child anymore. Neither is his gf and there’s no reason for you to subsidize her. If they want to live together, they can earn the money to make it happen.

But there is no evidence that the 9k or 48k 'pissed away' had any negative effect on family finances. In fact if he could send 9k in the morning it probably didn't. So leave the father and son to bond and live their lives and throw them out and enjoy your half of those assets. They will pay for a great christmas in a hotel on your own. This year, next year, the year after and so on.

This completely sums up how I would feel about this situation too. Fair enough for him to spend a bit of it on travelling, but to blow the whole lot without a second thought, and then to do the same again with another 9k is shocking. He is clearly very privileged because that kind of money is hard to come by for most. Tell your husband to cut off the tap and stop enabling him. He needs to find out how hard it is out there. It’s for his own good. One day your son may kick himself for being so careless.

Sounds like he has spent the money well. Travel and experiencing life. How amazing.

obviously different life to yours. But that’s ok.

be proud. He went to Oxford. Studied hard for all those years and did well. Rather than becoming a shell of himself in a job he loathed he chose to do more of life.

admire that. It takes guts to walk away from what everyone expects and to try something else.

perhaps really listen to him explain why he chucked the towel in. What’s really been going on with him.

And yes to pay for the house deposit in future he will need to buckle down and earn the cash.

so don’t give him handouts. However. If my child was stuck in the uS I would pay for their flight home. Regardless if I thought they had been feckless.

Your status has no relevance and tbh your post is shit

Interesting. But more info required.

Totally agree. My gap year is still the very best year of my life. I would absolutely LOVE to have another year out travelling, but alas I have bills to pay.

OP’s son is living the dream and it seems that OP would rather hoard money than see her child enjoy life.