Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

No, I had money from my nan that she saved for, inherited money from both nans, inherited money from my grandad and money from my parents. None of it I drunk away even though it had no strings. I would feel horrendously guilty for drinking away the money my nan saved and even the inherited money, it feels disrespectful to me.

OP, you've said your son has no concept of money, you want him to learn the value of things, you want him to know what it's like to work hard for something and achieve it, but what have you actually done to teach him any of this? I appreciate that it sounds like your husband is the kind of person who just throws money around, but you could have done some work with all of your children on finances and budgeting. You still can! Do they travel with you? Give them a budget and get them to plan a holiday - flights, accommodation, food costs, excursions/activities, general spending money, etc. Get them involved with groceries, again sticking to a budget (if you don't have a set budget just work out what you have been spending on average) and making sure they include food for all meals plus snacks. Talk to them about bills and what percentage of your income is spent on power, wifi etc. Talk about the pros and cons of owning a home vs renting, and how to achieve that (without asking Dad for money all of the time). Finally, please make sure they know how privileged they are and that not everyone has the same experience, get them donating old clothes etc., find a local charity they can support, perhaps all sign up for a sponsored run or something similar.
The only way your children learn the value of money and hard work is if you teach them.

Did you grow up in a wealthy family and used to having everything you wanted paid for?

I can completely understand why you are upset but it was foolish to give him that money if you wanted a say on how he spent it. A man I worked with gifted both his children £20k on their 18th birthday. His oldest son saved it, added to it over five years and used it as a house deposit. His daughter spent it on travelling over 6 months. He used to moan so much about how his daughter had wasted the money and how he would have to “help” her get on the property ladder eventually. Firstly, I think if he wanted it to be used as a deposit he should have held on to that money until the point she was buying a house. Secondly, his daughter knew she would still get financial help for the big things in life - she was also spoilt - so had no incentive to save it.
Sounds like you have more money than you know what to do with - I wouldn’t dream of asking my parents for £90 to continue my holiday, let alone £9k!! Do your children pay you any rent/ contribute towards bills?

I get you’re disappointed. Your kids are obviously very privileged & I think you’re expecting a level of understanding about their circumstances they can’t understand due to youth and life experiences. He has blown through the money but he has also travelled & worked, that life experience is amazing. He will soon realise the error of his ways when it comes to buying and renting and how much easier it would have been if he still had this money.

as for your other children. I find it hard to imagine they’re without some drive, you can’t have 3 children that are this academically gifted and yet have no motivation. If my kids did this I would be equally sick and unhappy, but I would probably have to say the husband response even though I don’t agree with the excuses he’s making for you lad is probably in response to yours. I do think the right reaction is between the two. He’s been reckless and from this moment on any financial help stops. I wouldn’t give him a penny.

Oh.. so it's just you disapprove of the life he's choosing to live.

Hint. Not your life, you don't get to tell him how to live it.

Also, if he has further inheritance coming, you don't get to decide he can't have it, it isn't your money to decide to keep.

No, have I missed the part where OP said her son did? I can't find it.

YABU

You can’t be mad at your kids for not understanding the value of money when you admit you’ve both spoiled them.

£48k is an eye watering amount for me and I couldn’t save that in the next 20 years if I tried.
So I would be absolutely heartbroken that it has all gone.

However, it is his money.
He can do whatever he wants with it and I’d much rather my child went travelling then did nothing and blew it on casinos etc.

You don’t get to decide what is and isn’t acceptable to spend it on, just like he doesn’t get to decide what you should spend your money on.

You cannot kick him out of your house over it.
But you can say that the gf cannot stay for more than X amount of time and if they want to live together then they need to find their own place.

Frankly, you need to get over it as what’s done is done and he’s the one that will be kicking himself in a few years time.

FWIW I knew someone who got £200k inheritance. He was very sensible and bought a house with it and continued working.
He then met a woman who moved in with him, they had a baby and then she cheated and they broke up. She had no where to go, so he moved out and continued to work and pay rent on somewhere else and pay a lot for the child, whilst she didn’t work and lived in the home rent free.
He had to pay the courts to remove her from his home and got in so much debt over it that the house was sold and he didn’t have enough to buy a new one and is still in rented accommodation.

So even if your son was more sensible, doesn’t mean things would have ended any better.

Here

The fact all of your kids are like this says one thing! If you suspected this why just give him 50k like that? Seems like such a waste when he doesn’t even have a job or anywhere to live now! Your daughter is spoilt but again that sounds like your own fault.
I think you need to get a grip and sort this mess out.

But what would have happened to me if I hadn’t paid off my mortgage & lost my house who would have paid my rent? Yes probably would’ve of claimed benefits but probably wouldn’t get any due to assets. But you would have had to pay somthing for somewhere to live or is there a rent or mortgage fairy that I don’t know about? How do you think people live?

Indeed

Imagine watching your son literally piss away £50k on travel and booze and fun for a year and a half after quitting a highly sought after position, then gifting them another £9k, watch them carry on in the same manner, and then plan to bail them out yet again. WTalmightyF is he thinking!?

I'd tell him to go live with his son and separate your assets if he's going to enable this wasterfulness.

He has had it now and spent it. He is an adult - it was his to do with what he wanted. You need to accept it,

But you never, ever lend him any money or bail him out. He has to learn that his actions have consequences and he had frittered away his future.

Oh - and your husband is a dick!

My son inherited the best part of 250k from my parents
but they wrote in the will a clause that gave him 5k to blow on crap 😂
a set amount for a car
to pay off any debts
what ever was left it was only to be used for house deposit
I was the executor , trustee of the will so I made sure it wasn’t wasted

if your son is going to inherit again in the future maybe speak to whoever’s leaving it to him and see if they can do similar

my son has a beautiful house with a small mortgage car bought outright and no debt

I’d leave the lot of them to it OP. Get divorced, get a place of your own, and don’t give them a penny more (except if you want to contribute to uni accommodation).

I do think YABU to be hacked off that the job your son has is not the one you want him to have.

I can understand you being annoyed and it seems that he wasn’t prepared to hold down a job whilst he had that money. Now’s he’s spent it he needs to be told that there will be no more money, he has to work for it! you know the saying, easy come, easy go!

That was really smart.

You gave a 23 year £50k and they spent it? What did you think was going to happen?

I appreciate that you need to vent.
Firstly, all your children are/have been working extremely hard to achieve the academic results they have so cut them some slack - they’re not lazy - far from it.
Young people needs guidance when it comes to money. He should have been told he could have it on the condition it goes towards a flat, for example. He was reckless with his spending but it sounds like he’s had an incredible time and when he does settle down will hopefully have the travelling out of his system. I didn’t ’grow up’ until I was in my 30s. I’m so glad I travelled.
Going forward, you obviously need to be a bit tougher with money and let him experience the struggle of working in London and not having a great deal of money. That should sort him out.

Yeah my dear old mum was a smart one
nothing got past her 😂

but doing it this way meant he could have a blow out and still be in the position to buy a property
I had some leeway as the executor - trustee so even after a deposit for a house and buying all the furniture and stuff he still had around 25k left which is there for emergencies

she would have haunted him if he wasted the money on crap

OP, he's still young. At least he's been able to travel. He will settle down - probably quite soon - and he'll no doubt get a great job. As he matures, he'll realise the value of money - especially when it's him earning it! He'll pay you back one day. It will all be worth it. Don't beat yourself up - it will all work out.

I agree that if you are a wealthy family then this isnt a big deal. Your son is now making some money from tik tok so that's good. A 9-5 job is dull so I undsrstand why your son has opted to travel and become an influencer!
Presumanly he doesnt need to worry avout a house deposit because his next inheritance or your husband will provide!

I understand your anger and frustration but I think you need to accept we can't force our children to do what we'd like them to do. They've grown up with different influences and don't see life the way we did in "our day". Earning money from Tiktok is an achievement, travelling extensively is an amazing experience.

My kids are adopted so I was always wary about handing them money I'd have no control over as I was less clear about how they would turn out. So we never built up savings accounts for them like my parents did. One had a government-provided child trust fund (doubled money as adopted) and spent the lot / had it scammed off them within weeks of turning 18. I was thankful it was solely government money, not mine.

My brother was very academic. Couldn't decide on a career after university. Frittered away 10 years on jobs he could have done upon leaving school, was made redundant from one and used the redundancy to travel for 6 months instead of a cushion to provide for his future. He eventually settled on a career reasonably suited to his qualifications. I'm sure my parents were in despair at times.

You can't punish your son for not being like you. I'd be annoyed if my DH sent extra money without my agreement though (but it is something I could see him doing as it happens).

How much is he earning off his videos?