Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

Yet again we having 'gifting' money with conditions. It's a control thing and so so common in families. I will give you money but unless you spend it according to my values or my expectations then you have wasted it. If you give money as a true gift you dont judge how it is spent.

Giving kids a lump sum can go horribly wrong, I've seen it a few times, it's hard to predict who's going to go off the rails and spend it recklessly - that's why you don't hand over the funds (or tell them about the funds) till you feel they need them. But it's done now and he has to live with the consequences. I think it's time to cut off Bank of Mum & Dad. No more treats - if he wants nice things - he'll have to work for them. I think it's unlikely you'll kick him out but I think you need to stop giving handouts.

And stop blaming yourself - he did this - he needs to carry it, not you.

I think that if you wanted him to use it for something sensible then that needed to be discussed and agreed before it was handed over. My Mum gave me 20k when I was 23 but with the express instructions that it was only intended to be used for a house deposit. That's what I did. I knew also that I was not likely to see that kind of money again from my Mum because I knew the life we had growing up and how hard she had worked for it and scrimped and saved over the years. I wouldn't have messed that up for her.

I definitely spent my fair share of my own money on frivolous stuff and travelling over the years, but not the pot from my Mum - that was precious

You reap what you sow.

Not much you can do for what’s in the past. Stop spoiling them and bailing them out. There’s no chance on this earth I’d be helping out with flats etc for someone who has pissed £50k up the wall. Your husband needs his arse booted for that

You have

I do think extensive travel is probably a good use of it if it was going to be spent

I think this is the best way to look at it op.

Yes, he has been feckless; yes he has been dishonest; yes, you are right to be disappointed; and yes, he has acted immaturely.

But your DH is also right: he is at an age where some people are not fully mature. If you can see it as not entirely wasted - and travel IS life experience - you might feel more able to move on and let it lie in the past. But I'd be having a long talk with him to say you hope it really is in the past. Ultimately this isn;t about you or your disappointment: its about how he will manage his life, and he needs to think about that.

I think most young people that age would struggle to manage £50,000 sensibly. However, it's not all that bad. He chose to spend it on travel, at a time of his life where he is young and free to experience the world. I don't think that's a poor decision really. His priorities and yours just aren't the same. He seems to have done a lot of travel, so spending that amount on it isn't unrealistic. Maybe he thought he could save up for a house deposit and responsible adult stuff later and travel now? I'd just talk to him about the pros and cons of each option and then he has to decide.

He seems to be making some money as an influencer. If that works for him, even if it's not a career you'd have chosen for him, then good on him. He is doing something. It's not what I would chose for my children either, I'd be concerned it might be insecure and not last long, but that sort of thing has to be their choice. As long as they can cover their expenses and lives, they have to chose their own path.

I don't think you're wrong to tell him it's time to stand on his own two feet but I wouldn't tell him to go away and not bother me. That's just unkind.

Your son may chose a less conventional path in life than you have, that's not necessarily wrong if it works for him and makes him happy. Look at the positives. He's managed to navigate travel himself, he's got a good degree, he's very young and has a lot of potential and opportunity to change paths if he wants.

Maybe you need to let go of the idea that your son will follow the path you have mapped out in your head and think he should live? As long as he starts supporting himself and not leaning on you all the time, he has to make his own way in the world.

What a control freak you are

You gave him the money as a gift.
He's workshy but will learn his lesson as he matured

You can't be angry because he spent it on something that didn't align with your values.

He's managed to navigate travel himself, he's got a good degree, he's very young and has a lot of potential and opportunity to change paths if he wants.
Maybe you need to let go of the idea that your son will follow the path you have mapped out in your head and think he should live? As long as he starts supporting himself and not leaning on you all the time, he has to make his own way in the world.
🎯

Wow. No need

It's tough. They are overindulged and now the issue is that if you decide to cut off the funding they are likely to go 'no contact' as is the trend now to punish you for not falling in line.

You chose to gift him an insane amount of money.

He’s made a dumb financial decision yes, but it’s his money. If you gift someone something it’s not up to you what they do with it.

It’s now up to him to live with the consequences of not saving that money, there’ll be no more handouts from you. The grandparents bit is their choice and not yours, but you don’t have to give him anymore.

His money, his choice, his consequences. You treated him like an adult (as he is one) by making him responsible for such a large amount of money, now he has got to be adult enough to make his own way in future with no more handouts.

Lesson learnt about giving people such large amounts though!

But as dumb as his decision was to you, it’s his decision. At least he’s had life experiences out of it! I’m sure that was beneficial to him.

to me having all those life experiences is absolutely spending it wisely! Good for him, he’s got the next 40 years to work and buy a house.

They'll probably go no contact because she's an overbearing tiger mother who treats them as extensions of herself and relies on them to reflect success back on her.

Well maybe he will make something of being a content creator

Reading this, you sound envious.

I mean I have saved for my kids but it will be for a property deposit, I won’t be giving it them. Sorry I think you are being unreasonable

Do you work OP? Have the concept of getting up at crack of dawn five days a week working in a job to earn money yourself?
it all sounds a bit “easy come, easy go” all round to me. Only for the grandparents, would any of you have anything?

I agree that you shouldn't have given him the money. My son has inherited 3x that amount from his GD ( passed away 2 years ago) but it has provisions...it is to help buy a property. We have held on to it and he's about to exchange, he's 23 , works 60+ hours a week but does like to spend, so I would never have handed that money over to him, never. This is down to you and your DH . You know your son better than anyone, could you not see the signs ? Don't give him anymore, you are not helping him at all.

Good for him if he’s making money off being a content creator, it’s a valid path these days and I have more than one friend doing it.

It does sounds like you’re jealous. He may have had an easy ride yes, but as his parents you’ve contributed to that by giving him such large handouts.

Can you legally keep hold of an adults money if they want it though?

Yes, you don’t give them access to it.

What a waste, when there are many more deserving young people who would dream of being given such a helping hand. Bit late for you now OP, but parents who spoil their kids are not doing them any favours.

It is from his point of view - he got to have a great time AND he's still got a roof over his head. Whereas if he'd put on a house deposit he'd have a roof over his head (his own), be having to work to pay the mortgage and would have had to defer the travelling (nothing wrong with deferred gratification, it's a life lesson).

Lots of young people who have grown up in a comfortable background want instant gratification. They're not used to working for something as it's just been handed to them by generous parents.

DH came from a poor background. All the adult kids grafted and got themselves Saturday and evening jobs, then worked their way up to good careers, not via uni.. I know it's a different era but still, they saw what they needed to do if they wanted a certain lifestyle and went after it.

Whereas I came from a comfier background. While i was academically capable I had no confidence in my abilities in the working world as I was not encouraged to get a Saturday job as a teenager, which would have really built up my self-confidence so much. I was just bought any clothes I needed, or given money for a night out. Generous Christmas presents etc. I alwabuys appreciated everything and rarely asked for anything but they were just naturally generous. But as a result I never had to fight for anything and that "being provided for" feeling keeps you from feeling like an adult. Together with a lack of self confidence it meant I became a huge underachiever career-wise.

Guess who spoils the kids now? DH. It's a losing battle. While I recognise how good a part time or holiday job can be to develop selfconfidence, self-worth and drive, and push the youngest one to get one, DH just says "ah leave him, I like having him back home with us during the holidays. He can come away on holiday with us too" etc etc.

I too have a sum of money to give them both which has been left by relatives. But I will NOT just give it them for no good reason. When they come to me and want to put the deposit on a house or buy their first car for a job, or get married, that's when they'll get their money. I am fully aware that otherwise there's a danger that without a specific purpose for it, they will just blow through it all with lifestyle stuff. And regret it later. They know there's money there for them at some point, don't know how much I will give them and I never mention it.

I'm going to go with the few others that have said travel is a great life experience, Iean at least he didn't spend it on drugs lol. If it was for a house deposit or something specific it should have been stipulated at the time