Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I don't think you did anything wrong, but your H is now by making life easy for him.

He's blown £50k so it's up to him now to earn and save.

If you keep bailing him out he will never learn.

The only thing you could have done is to have told him you expected him to use the money wisely.

Our 2 kids had the same money at a younger age (inheritance) and one invested it- now doubled- and the other used it for a house.

Obviously they could have ignored our wishes/ advice but they are both hard working kids with a good work ethic and both in their late 30s now with sound finances.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. I don’t agree with the pps who say it’s great he travelled with the money. It’s great to travel but that’s luxury travel. He could have done the same on massively less ; planning journeys, negotiating… not a Cox and Kings lux adventure. It’s very difficult when money is just given and grandparents seem to do this. I don’t think your husband is helping but it sounds as though you are trying your best. That sort of money is a few year’s salary and I can totally understand how you feel.

Whilst £50k sounds a lot, he’s been gone and lived off it for around the same time he could have earnt the same in a relatively low paid average job and spent his earnings and not saved anything. How much do you spend in the same time period just existing and living?

Do you think he might just have got fed up with the pressure of being judged by academic achievement and expectations that he followed a certain path. He has the top qualification and inteligence so he will get the career job when he is ready. Just don't fund his choices and leave them as his choices and dont be too jelous he is doing what we all wished we did at that age. He is young. Far too early to label him as anything.

I totally agree. I've been gifted money before, without strings but I haven't done anything as selfish with it. The money that came from my grandparents I ringfenced for important things and some from my grandad went straight onto my mortgage. I would feel horrendous if I drunk it away. I know my nan saved years for that, because she didn't have much.

Same here. And bring me wirh you😁

No- 16 year olds should spend their weekends doing some studying, exercise and seeing friends.

They already have a full time job- school. I certainly wouldn’t want to spend all week at work and then do the same again at weekends.

@YourOpenShaker thank you for your post. It reinforces my decision not to leave substantial sums to my niece and nephew. They are very comfortable and, like your children, really not ambitious and used to money just appearing. I'll be leaving them a similar amount to what your son has blown through, but the estate is substantial. My residence will go to a domestic violence charity as emergency accommodation for women and children fleeing domestic violence. It's fully set up, so they can come with nothing. There's a backyard, so they can also bring their pets. The rest I'm still working through. It's highly likely to go to various charities.

If he wants to live with his girlfriend, they can find their own place. He needs a dose of reality and a fall back plan for when his social media career dies.

Wow, your post is positively dripping with envy…

It's not fair at all to say that OP only has herself to blame!

And smacks of resentment that she's well off with academically very able children, which I think is a tone in a lot of the responses.

The kids had a priviledged up-bringing, and sadly neither seems to have a work ethic outside of their school and university work, which they have obviously excelled at! I understand the OPs frustration that her very bright children are not making the most of the opportunities they have.

It sounds like it's time for a bit of tough love for her son - no more bailing out by Daddy, and a different tack for her daughter when she graduates, pushing her to get a job or do a postgrad.

Edited to say that the money came from grandparents, not the OP, not her choice to give it to her kids. Her husband was totally wrong to give their DS £9k to continue his travels - a ticket home would have been as far as I'd have gone.

I’d not move the girlfriend in, I agree with getting him to move out but is your dh honestly going to pay his rent? He must be made of money! Is there something you want to do? I’d take a decent amount of money and do it- no matter what. Tell your dh that if we have it to throw away on a 25 year old even though you think he’s so successful it’s about time I got a chance to do something so I’ve spent 5k on …. . If he protests I’d say wait a second, you think we have spare money to pay rent for our adult children who you also keep telling me are so successful, but you don’t want me to spend anything?! If we are short stop subsidising him and let him have the essential step of paying his own bills. Not calling daddy and getting handed 9k. If we are going to basically burn money I should at least get to spend some instead.

Sorry to sound harsh, all 3 of your kids don't know the value of money, obviously they've never had to skrimp and save to buy things, this is all your own doing.
At 13 years old I was desperate for my own pony, I was horse mad, still am 40 years later, my parents told me I had to buy him myself, I sold my British Telecom shares i had bought 2 years previously, he Was £500!
My god my parents taught me the value of money.
The saying goes 'create a monster you have to feed it'

So? My Dad got a £50k bonus in 2014, my parents spent it on a luxury round the world trip for the whole family. They have no regrets, that's what they wanted to do with their money. If someone gave me £50k I'd put most of it towards the mortgage but my brother would say that's a waste because mortgage interest is less than what he can make in investments. We all have different priorities. It was his choice and it's not up to OP or anyone else to judge whether it was "worth it."

OP is very lucky to have 3 high achieving children and they are entitled to have fun. If she had specific plans for that £50k, she shouldn't have given it him.

I find some people are super smart, but have none or little common sense.

Your husband needs to stop saving him

I think the OP is ridiculous, but in fairness, complaining about your 3 kids being "spoilt" has something to do with the parenting

It doesn't sound as though you like your husband or children much - all your posts have so much negative judgement about them. Does your husband have a good income - and is the money coming in from his family or your family? What happens if you split up?

@YourGreenCat travelling is a great thing to do, a wonderful experience, and educational too. It’s a really good thing for young people to do. But most of them work to save the money, manage to save about £2000, then off they go for few months of roughing it in exotic places. They might need the odd grand from their parents if they travel for longer. But OP’s son got through £48,000, and then had another £9000 of family money on top of that. Surely you don’t think that’s a healthy amount of money to spend on a bit of youth travelling?

Dad seems to be enabling a tiny bit but that may be because he would have loved that kind of cash when young. Hope you are okay OP ❤️

@YourOpenShaker this seriously reads like a wind up, I hope for your sake that it is. If it isn’t then it’s not your fault OP as you sound like a good mother who simply wants the best for her children. Your DH is the problem here being too soft handing out money. You’ve given your DS (and your other kids) a fantastic and expensive education so of course you’d expect him to want a good job where he can build a career.

It seems to be quite common now for young people to want to do as little work as possible but for a huge amount of money, so basically being an ‘influencer’ where they get lots of likes, free stuff and invites to events. Most aren’t successful enough to make a decent and consistent living. ‘Influencers’ need to have something unique about them constantly to get the views in the first place. That requires more effort than people realise once the initial buzz has worn off.

Make him stand on his own two feet and your DH needs to support your decision for the good of all your children. This will set a stern example to your DS’s younger siblings that you mean business.

Yo reap what you sow OP. Your husband is part of the problem.

Yes he needs to move out and learn how to adult..sounds like all your kids do.

He can start paying his way now can't he??

That's probably the difference though as you knew your nan didn't have much. If the money came from super wealthy grandparents and you'd grown up very well off you may feel differently

No!!! Don't let him do this to you! You'll never get rid of the freeloaders!

And this is why my children will not be receiving the money passed down to them from my incredibly hard working grandparents until they have a very specific and useful thing to spend it on. It has been given to me to safeguard until I see fit. I will take from it for some ‘fun’ stuff like a bit of travelling if they want to go but most of it will be kept for a house probably.
OP I too would be incredibly disappointed and angry with my children if this is what they’d done.

Gift or not, I would be upset with this too OP