Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

I think if I had fifty grand to give my 21 year old, and she said she was going to use it to put down a deposit on a house, I'd say, "God, no, don't do that. There's plenty of time. If I were you, I'd hit the road and travel. Just keep going for as long as you can make the money last."

As someone currently jobhunting, I see a lot of marketing roles looking for people with experience of cultivating and growing audiences on platforms like TikTok - it's massively valuable to brands wanting to market to Gen Alpha. So he is building valuable skills, albeit somewhat dishonestly if he's framing his travelling as something achievable without family money.

With 100k followers I'm sure there'll be a Tattle thread on him about this very issue before long.

You seem a bit strange OP. I would be very annoyed if either of my DS's did this so I agree with you there but I don't understand you being so annoyed and bitter at your DS being lucky and things working out for him. You should be relieved and glad that he's ok.

I suspect you've put huge amounts of pressure on your children to succeed academically and this was partly to make you feel like a success at raising such clever and successful children. Hence why you're beating yourself up for failing as a parent. I think you wanted the social status of having a conventionally successful family and we can see this by your constant boasting about their grades.

That's quite a big following on Tik Tok so you could say that he invested the 50k.

Yes my DS is fond of travelling but does it on a budget. He can't afford that sort of travel style. He's currently saving to travel more and get a WHV. Why would that be a bad thing. I'm encouraging him all the way

Better than the school, uni, job, mortgage, marriage, kids, ritement death that lots of people promote.

OP says she went to oxford, but doesnt know how to use punctuation.

I think this is made up...

Why on earth did you hand him £50k? Surely you should have given it to him for something specific such as a deposit for a house or for a masters or held on to it until he was settled. To be fair, you only have yourself to blame.

Why didn’t the grandparents/you put the money in a trust. DT’s have their inheritance in trusts - in the meantime they are working full time to progress their careers.

I don't think travel is a waste of money but he certainly could have done it for a lot less.

The bigger problem is you have three, veey intelligent but rather spoilt, entitled, lazy children.

They aren't stupid - they have just gotten used to the fact that they don't have to be responsible or hardworking.

Why? Because they are constantly bank rolled, parents get friend to hire them, zero consequences, free housing and bills for as long as they want. A father who throws money at them just because it's a £9k emergency. A mother who enbables this too.

They don't have to be responsible, ambitious or hardworking because there's zero downside. They get everything they want with ease and there's no end to it.

Why young person wouldn't opt for a handy life, free of consequences? You & your DH make it far too easy.

Did you grow up poor or in poverty, OP?

I only ask as you must know that if you did then your life experiences will be colouring this situation with your son (and your other children!) in a negative light.

Firstly, I think your children not knowing hardship is ultimately a good thing. While hardship is a mentor all by itself, it's better to be able to provide adequately than to force children to go without out of necessity.

Secondly, this money was a gift to an adult. An adult who, ultimately, did not use it wisely, or at least what you would consider to be wise. I agree with you - I think it's a shame that nothing physically tangible will come out of the £50,000, and is a huge missed opportunity.

However, I notice that your post is mostly about you and your self-perception. You feel that your son's behaviour has reflected poorly on you as a parent. Whether it has or not us yet to be seen as far as I can tell! Young adults aren't really known for their wisdom and long-term planning!

I think asking him to provide for himself and move out is fair, considering the circumstances. If he had been working and saving I wouldn't think it fair to toss him out.

Also, his social media presence isn't to be sniffed at! Running a social media account is a lot of work and can lead to very lucrative opportunities, so watch this space! If he's enthused by it and is being consistent with it, what's the harm in encouraging him? It may very well turn into a career!

YABU because the money seems to have come with caveats that were never said ("only use it wisely!") but also YANBU to be upset - your feelings are valid.

You have a husband problem.
He is enabling your children to be work-shy as he will always swoop in and save them.
they are very smart children and they know this.
they also clearly see that your husband is the weak link and that you’re not a united front on this.

i was lucky to be brought up in a privileged family, but it was made very clear to me (and my brothers) from a very young age that “you’ll need to work hard to afford the life you’ve become accustomed to”.
My parents were united and said good work ethic would be rewarded (eg good school reports and I could go on a school trip).
My parents were always very clear, their money is their money. They have no problem spending some of it to help/reward us kids, but only if we earn it/are good people etc.
they subsidise occasional family holidays e.g. pay flights
they pay ~75% of our meals out.

my dads favourite joke is still that he loves SKI-ing - Spending the Kids Inheritance 😂

It was also crystal clear to us, that they would help support us whilst in education. After this, we were expected to pay 100% our own way. If we wanted to live at home, we would pay rent/utilities/food etc.

Im 32 and I know now if I was rude/lazy, my parents will not swoop in and save me. I got a job straight out of uni and have supported me self independently since. I’m proud of this, and despite knowing I have a solid safety net to fallback on, I absolutely never will.

Maybe the grandparents wanted him to have free rein

I worked my way around Australia after college, I think travelling is fantastic for young people, but they don't need £50k to do it!

I worked all hours I could get in a shoe shop after college, and lived at home with no rent as my parents were supporting me to save, so I headed off with £2k and a work visa, and was gone for 18 months, waitressing mostly, and managed to save money in Australia to spend a couple of months in Thailand.

I think a working holiday is a great way to grow up and see the world, an 18 month holiday, not so much.

I had a mortgage at 23. Never married, previous partners complete waste of space never contributed anything, the only thing that I was secure in was my home. Fast forward to 55 was able to retire as I became ill, was worried for couple of years how I would manage but luckily paid off mortgage early only small house. Would have like to worked bit longer but there was no way I could continue. Wonder what I would have done if I was still having to pay a mortgage? I see my neighbours in their late 60’s having to pay private rent just been told to leave as the landlord putting house on the market husband highly educated to masters level, still working low level admin job. Must be terribly worrying. All I can say is thank god I got a mortgage early.

Also, he's in for a shock if he thinks he can sustain a career in content creation without hard work. It's constant hustling behind the scenes

So did I. I've spent my whole life paying it off.

Perhaps that's why I'm advising against it.

My DH went to Oxford in the 90s and did manage to have a social life as well as studying, but that isn’t true of most of the students I know now, certainly not at a ‘play hard’ level. Particularly in third year or Masters. DPhil is a bit more flexible, obvs.

One of the cleverest people I know - PhD and massively responsible job - cannot punctuate for shit, because he is dyslexic.

@goz It wasn't 'random' it was an inheritance.

We did the same. Both our children were given £50K each as an inheritance from a grandparent. We told them it was only for a house deposit or education (both had graduated by then.) One of them invested it and it's now doubled in value, the other bought their first flat with it as a deposit.

Im really sorry you feel so upset about this - I think your husband isn't helping - sending him the 9k. He's complicit in this by the sounds of it

I struggle with grammar. I have two BA degrees and two post grads.

What strikes me is that you feel you’ve failed as a parent. You really haven’t. We’re adults (hopefully) a long time. He’ll possibly look back at this and wonder why he didn’t spend it differently. Or maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll look back and think “that was fun.” Maybe he’ll think that when he’s sitting at his desk for hours, earning money to pay bills. Is that a more worthy use of money? I don’t know.

I’d love to give my children 50k and if I could, I’d tell them to use it to have adventures. You’ve given him an amazing gift.

I understand this...
But £50k. He was hardly backpacking was he! He could have travelled comfortably on half that.

Your son rocks!

He is enjoying life and making money his way.

I think you may be worried that your husband's life is expanding. That's why you're annoyed by your son and his influence. You cannot shrink them or their lives.

As much as I can understand why you hate this and want better for him, as someone with a corporate job, he probably has a lot of life to spend in an office… If he has the means to travel whilst young and make an easy living off of social media for a while then why not? He’s got a degree from Oxford - he will not stick for real work if he actually wants it.

God, imagine working hard enough to get 4 A*s at A level and then spending term time doing Law at Durham only for your Mum to be wringing her hands at how she's "failed" because you want to take your summer holiday as a holiday. I really wouldn't be surprised if all of your "failures" eventually get sick of trying to impress you and leave you alone with your impossibly high standards. It sounds like your eldest and your DH are already there.