Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

Hard to say this but it is your fault for not knowing what your son would do when you gave him all that money. If you wanted him to spend it in a particular way you should have put safeguards in place to ensure it happened.
He might be clever but he will get nowhere in life without a good work ethic unless he's extremely lucky.

"... blazeh..."?

You went to Oxford?

@Doseofreality He’s an adult, he’s not answerable to you. It was his money.

Ah yes, mumsnet's favourite phrase... "X is an adult," whatever the hell that means.

Being "an adult" is not a carte blanche for being a reckless, irresponsible twat. Yes, he was given money, but when you are given a gift of a colossal, life-changing some of money, there is an expectation that you show consideration and respect for the people who gave you that money.

So no, being "an adult" doesn't mean you're entitled to piss all your money up the wall and live like a wealthy privileged teenager on a gap year. Being "an adult" means showing masculine qualities, being responsible with money, and being thankful for what you have and what you have been gifted.

Why keep bankrolling him? Sounds like he says jump and his dad says 'how high'

Surely if he had secured a good job he didn't need a handout of 50k?! Where is the incentive to work then.

If your kids are spoilt, and you realise that is a problem, just stop spoiling them...it's that simple!

Exactly my thoughts. It was a huge, huge sum though in this case that was pissed up the wall. It does make me scratch my head about how the other half live. This was a life-changing amount, spent properly.

Crikey the way you’re going on you’d think he’d murdered someone. He could be dead next week, he’s had some amazing experiences and living his life. It may not be how you wanted him to spend the money but everyone has their own values and they won’t always be the same as yours. As mentioned above if it was for something specific you should have kept it until he needed it for that. Sounds like he’s probably burnt out with all these high expectations I feel sorry for him. Wouldn’t be surprised if it was the pure freedom of this oppressive sounding relationship he was fleeing. Poor sod graduated from Oxford and here you are almost disowning him for having some fun. Lighten up or you’ll run him into the ground

So you say OP needs to stop treating her 25 Yr old son like a child and stop dictating how he lives his life.
But if she's still paying for his lifestyle ie supporting him living at home/cooking/laundry etc then he's still living like a child. Maybe he needs to act like an adult in order to be treated like one 🤷‍♀️

My goodness, what did you expect?
I'd be tempted at nearly 40 😭
There needs to be a plan when you have a large lump sum of money.
You should've made him get a house or something, if you had the ability to do that.
If not, whatever, it's his life and he'll kick himself in 10 years .

Yes, your son needs to move out of your house - but not as ‘punishment’. He should move because there’s zero need for him to still be at home at his age and you say he’s making good money from the TikTok stuff.

Get him to move out, don’t give him any more financial help (and make sure your DH doesn’t either!), and keep your fingers crossed that he learns some financial sense and maturity. Pissing away £50k on a round the world trip he could have done for far less is pathetic. He’ll value money more if he has to be responsible for all his own bills. He should also pay back the £9k - whether you need it or not, because it’s part of learning financial responsibility.

Coddling children, doshing out cash whenever they want it isn’t being kind. It’s ensuring they grow up spoilt with no understanding of money’s worth or ability to look after themselves financially. I don’t think it does much for their character either.

Who was it that raised both those “spoilt spoilt spoilt” son and daughter of yours?

Who was it, again?

Right.

lol

Op, I understand your frustration but I don't think you can blame yourself if your DH isn't on the same page.

How wealthy are you as a couple? This is relevant as it's more challenging to impose financial values when your children see Mum& Dad (& grandparents):have lots of wealth. My niece is in this situation as my brother is very wealthy and she knows Dad will always pick up the pieces. No matter what message he sends she knows Dad will buy the car & house, pay for the wedding.

Secondly, did your children go to pushy schools? I've frequently seen grads burn out post Uni because for 10 years they have slogged through education and when freedom comes they go wild.

In the case of your daughter, is she associating with wealthy students? that will impact her choices around work. There are many students who are completely funded and would not consider working.

Upshot, it's likely there are several factors outside yourself which has created this dynamic. You can only be responsible for your input. Perhaps your work ethic won't be lost on them when they eventually mature.

Has he wasted it though? He's probably had more experiences in that time than many people do in a lifetime.

However he shouldn't be poncing more money for plane tickets etc. it's up to him to pay those costs

I understand his grandparents wanted them all to have the money, if they didn’t set the rules they wished it to be used for then it’s not for you to be mad about how it’s been spent.
I would be furious with my children if they blew that much money but I suspect we are from different worlds…. My DH wouldn’t be able to just send 9k without telling me as we don’t have it. We’d be able to stretch to flights home once our child had run out of money but that would be it.
My children have accounts that have been set up by grandparents, money has been put into it each month since they were born but it won’t be anywhere near 50k by the time they are 23.
That money is for housing needs, their grandparents grew up in poverty, one in particular lived in various homes that were tied to her own Fathers job, when he passed away the family were evicted…. Everyone is aware what that money is for, my children know it despite being fairly young, it’s not necessarily a gift because of strings that are attached.
Our kids know the value of money, they know how many hours I would have to work to afford the things they love to do, not because I ram it down their throats, but because they see me budget, list the weekly shops etc
Big school trips that cost 000’s they are expected to contribute to, using their chore money or they save their birthday/xmas money. Out of a recent school trip that cost over £400 our middle son cleaned cars etc for friends and family and was so proud to pay off the final £80 himself.
I would be expecting your son to either be contributing to bills whilst being at home or as you have, ask him to move out if it’s something you and your DH can agree on (which sounds unlikely)
If they can make their way earning by social media etc then that’s great, if you don’t give them anymore money then they can live how they choose and you can’t judge them for it.

Exactly this.

you must be so much fun at parties 😂

No comment on whether you were unreasonable or not but young adults given large amounts of money are notorious for spending it badly.

to be honest if he has used it to travel and see the world I would not consider it wasted.

my brother and I both inherited money from my grandma - mine went into house deposit his went into travelling round the world.

he went into the bbc afterwards and became news correspondent from various locations.

if you give that sort of money to young adults - well, some might have spend it on drugs and booze.

this is why most parents say it’s for your first house etc rather than giving it outright.

I don't think that this is the end of the world. He spent lots of money, he has lots more coming to him. He's doing OK to tiktok, rich people tend to, he's got a degree to fall back on, he's having the time of his life. You've raised your son to live a life of privilege and that's what he is doing. It's not a crime to move easily through life. I worry a lot that my kids will struggle like I did, how great that you don't have that worry for them.

Those saying he is an adult .. yes he is but op should not be bankrolling him . He needs to move out and pay for his own stuff .

What a snidey and smug post. Well done you and your kids. It must all have been down to you and lack of money.

Yes. Except he is asking for more, from his father, as he can’t even manage on that huge amount. His father gave him money which does impact on OP. I too would be disappointed.

OP, I think the problem isn't how you brought up your kids, but how you husband has. You've pushed them to get jobs, to save etc.

He does sound a bit pathetic trying to live vicariously through his son, you need a serious talk with him about how he's not helping his son to grow up.

I think you need to cut off financial support to your kids, other than providing them with a roof over their heads, for your son now, for your daughter as soon as she finishes her degree.

I wouldn't fund a postgrad for her, she can use her grandparents money for this.

I found this thread very interesting as my DD, 22, has been left £50k in my Mums will - I'm the excutor, so have to give it to her once mums house is sold. I'm encouraging her to put the majority away in some sort of savings account, but I can't control it, and it is a worry. She'd pretty sensible, and she's always had a part-time job during college, but it's such a lot.

Hmm I mean it isn't ideal if the condition of having the money was to buy a house? Was it? I imagine if he's got an engineering degree from Oxford he's probably had his head down for years and not had much chance to enjoy being young. I went traveling in my early 20's after uni, I'd had a decent job for over a year after graduating and saved hard to pay for my travels, my parents were furious I had turned down a phd to travel and actually told me I was "throwing my life away", very dramatic. In reality I had 18 months traveling and partying living my best life. My parents did also bail me out at the end when I couldn't afford a flight home after my round the world return ticket expired after 12 months (it was only £500 I "borrowed" not thousands). I eventually came home and continued my career where I left off, went and got my phd and settled down and did all the usual stuff you are meant to do.

Your son just needs to get this traveling etc out of his system, with a degree from Oxford he isn't going to be struggling for work when he decides he's ready to have a grown up job. I don't regret my traveling, in fact I'd encourage my children to do the same post uni, I just wouldn't be handing them 50k the month before they go!

I guess your privileged child is just acting like a privileged child...

All young people have to learn how easy it is to waste money, but I think you do it by wasting what you have earned. As a very young chef, often working 12 and 13 hour days, DC saved £5k and blew it on three weeks in the US. Since rebuilding the savings, there's been no second bout of extravagance.

Wow OP, you are getting all the judgement here. It’s very difficult to raise a kid with your values when your spouse is pulling in a different direction. Nigh on impossible, I’d say.

Id be absolutely furious if my partner had given a kid an additional £9k of family money after they’d spent it. Next time any of them ask for expensive stuff/ a lend, I’d say “no, sorry, I’ve worked hard for my money and you need to do the same now. We love you and will always be here for you but you should no longer expect financial support. Go spread your wings”

As the others of similar age have invested and just yours with the attitude to work ethic and money where is the common dominator.