Letting 16 year old DS have girlfriend sleep over?

[VoteForPedro]

My DS has a girlfriend, they are both 16 and turning 17 in the next few months. Been seeing each other for a good few months. His gf has only been over a few times to hang out in the evening. He said she doesn’t have a lift home after a party they are going to soon. I’m wondering whether to offer her to stay?

AIBU to say she can stay over? Not sure whether to allow them to sleep in the same (single) bed 😬 or for her to have his bed and he sleeps in with his brother in another room. Or just say no to it and she has to find somewhere else to stay or find a lift home.

It all seems a bit grown up but I’m aware what age they are too 🙈. This is all new territory for me as she’s DS’s first gf, WWYD?

The age 25 brain not fully mature is a popular misconception of what is really a measure of brain plasticity. Maturity is mostly a result of life experience and education, which is how some kids can be more or less mature than others of the same age.

I know, @IrishSelkie, I’m just repeating what’s so often said on MN and I find it ironic when compared to the attitudes towards sex.

My point is that many 16/17-year-olds aren’t ready for sex, because they’re so emotionally young. They’re also not all going to be having sex in the park if their parents don’t allow sleepovers.

My boyfriend was allowed to sleep over from 16.

We have now been together for 24 years (unusual, I know).

Id let my children's boyfriends or girlfriends stay over once they're 16 and have been in a relationship for a while (maybe 6 months?) And I was sure that they were happy and no coercion from either side.

Yes the brain claim is ironic.
I do think some 16/17 yr olds are mature enough to have sexual relationships.
I don’t think allowing a sleep over encourages or pressures them into having sex. It is a potential opportunity but then at that age the oppprtunities for sex are many.

She can sleep with whoever she likes, just not in my house. If she wants to sleep with someone she needs to be getting her own place or staying at theirs.

I would try to push for her to stay at either the party house, or a female friend's house. Surprised her parents aren't sorting it out tbh.

Sounds like one of those homes we used to have run by nuns.

What does she want? Fine if she wants to stay over but she might not want the pressure. If she does make up a bed in a separate room. Then she has a choice. Also check with her parents. See what they say. There may be conditions on her staying over which is entirely fine as she's still a child. Obviously if they're sleeping together you can't stop them but you can allow other options and make the environment as safe as possible so she doesn't feel pushed into anything.

I’m surprised by the comments that if they’re 16/17, they are “bound to be” having sex.
I think a lot of that age group have boyfriends/girlfriends but don’t sleep together.

I think an expectation that they are ready for a sexual (as opposed to just kissing etc) relationship, would place a lot of pressure on young people to DTD before they’re ready.

So me saying I don’t want my dc to have their boyfriends / girlfriends stay over is like I’m running a nunnery….? Ok then. How ridiculous. 🙄😂

Don’t offer for her to stay. She may not feel ready for sex, you really can’t know. I think suggesting she stays crosses a boundary. I would offer to drive her home.

I stayed with my boyfriend when I was 16, nearly 17. We weren’t having sex and didn’t, even though we slept in the same bed. If they are having sex then I wouldn’t see an issue. My daughter is 16, 17 in autumn this year year, and hasn’t had a serious boyfriend yet, but if she does then I would let him stay over if she asked. Not someone she’d been with for a few weeks, but if we knew him and they’d been together for a number of months, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I think adults forget what it was like to be a teen and look at their teens relationships from the perspective of adult relationships. It’s perfectly normal for teens of 16 and over to be starting their first sexual relationships. Keeping an open and honest dialogue, showing trust, and treating them like the young adults they are is going to help them start to navigate the world of healthy relationships.

and treating them like the young adults they are is going to help them start to navigate the world of healthy relationships.

That’s where we differ @LaDamaDeElche. I feel more comfortable with partners staying when they’re both adults. It wouldn’t bother me if DD (20) had her bf to stay but DS (17) will have to wait. Plus I don’t know any parents who would let their 16/17-year-old stay over with a partner, perhaps people are more cautious now.

If they haven’t had sex then you definitely shouldn’t offer for her to stay, unless it’s her in his room and him on the downstairs sofa.
if they were already sleeping together then pressure would be on you to give them alone time and have them stay over,
when I was 16 I was with my boyfriend for months before sleeping with him and I wouldn’t have wanted his mum putting me in a bedroom alone with him before I was ready.
dont offer anything until they ask first.

Separate rooms would be my go to. I slept over at my boyfriend’s house a lot younger than 16 but in their spare room. We weren’t having sex. We were doing alot of other things. We respected the rules at night through and stayed in separate rooms.

It was at uni I started sharing a bed/room with boyfriends. Not always sexual either. I know when one came home to stay one Christmas my mum did allow us on the same room but I had a single bed and she put a pull out on the floor for him. We would have been 19/20 though. In my first year at uni I stayed at a boyfriend’s house but his mum put me in his room and he slept in his sisters room (she was at uni).

My mum did assume I was sleeping with my school boyfriend and encourage me to go on the pill around age 14 for my period and skin issues but I suspect she was a bit paranoid.
I didn’t sleep with most of my boyfriends to be honest. In the sexual way. I went to church and so did my boyfriends and we had mutual beliefs about sex before marriage. Plenty of my friends were the same but plenty were definitely having sex from a young age.

Ps it’s not ops problem to get her home from the party it’s the girls parents

if they want to have sex they will regardless of if you let her sleep over or not. My parents let my boyfriend stay over when I was 17 (we weren't having sex the first few times) and I seem to have turned out okay. My DD has had her boyfriend to stay both when she was 16 and 18.
I'm just of the opinion that I'd rather they had sex somewhere safe than risk doing it outside or in a car or whatever.
Obviously just make sure they are using protection

Of course she can stay. Separate rooms.

I see you have a resolution for the immediate problem, but just wanted to add that "sleeping over" is not always just an issue of having or not having sex. Done frequently, regularly, and as a matter of course it often moves the relationship to another level which I don't think most teens are ready for.

If another situation like this comes up and she does end up staying at yours as a one-off, I would absolutely offer her a separate bed and if possible room (however you work that out). The fact that they haven't even had sex AND the fact that he has a single bed should make this easy. I wouldn't want to put her in the position of feeling pressure or obligation to do something she might not be enthusiastic about, even if it's not the first time. If they do end up in the same bad at some pint after the lights go out, that's different - but I would make sure she has her own space just as you would if a platonic friend spent the night after a party out of necessity.

I would not be letting my teenage children have girlfriend/ boyfriend sleepovers. It’s completely unnecessary imo.

DS and his girlfriend are nearly 17 and have been together for 8 months. They stay at each other’s house most weekends now but in separate bedrooms and they are totally respectful of this rule.

What’s your reasoning on that though? I don’t mean a revolving door of sexual partners, but I wouldn’t be happy with that if they were 20 either. We expect our 17 year olds to be ready for adulthood in so many other ways
and start to give more freedom etc. What’s different with a sexual relationship? Sex isn’t something dirty or to be ashamed of. If you know your child is ready and comfortable then what’s the problem. If they’re not, then if you have an open, honest and trusting relationship with them, then you would know they aren’t ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend to stay over. If they’re are already having sex what would be your reason that they couldn’t?

@LaDamaDeElche I suppose my reasoning is that until they're 18, I’m legally responsible for them as an parent and I’d also feel “in loco parentis” for their partner when under my roof if also under 18.

As adults though, they’re responsible for their decisions in all areas of life. That makes me more comfortable tbh.

DD didn’t has sex until she was an adult anyway and I doubt DS will either. This generation seems to take things more slowly than mine did. 😂

I’ve always let my DS have friends stay, I trust them to be decent humans and they have lovely girlfriends. They are almost 17!!

Why aren’t her parents picking up their 16 year old daughter ?! This is just madness to me. I always got picked up