Letting 16 year old DS have girlfriend sleep over?

[VoteForPedro]

My DS has a girlfriend, they are both 16 and turning 17 in the next few months. Been seeing each other for a good few months. His gf has only been over a few times to hang out in the evening. He said she doesn’t have a lift home after a party they are going to soon. I’m wondering whether to offer her to stay?

AIBU to say she can stay over? Not sure whether to allow them to sleep in the same (single) bed 😬 or for her to have his bed and he sleeps in with his brother in another room. Or just say no to it and she has to find somewhere else to stay or find a lift home.

It all seems a bit grown up but I’m aware what age they are too 🙈. This is all new territory for me as she’s DS’s first gf, WWYD?

I’m certainly not trying to push this on her! If my post has come across like that that was not my intention at all! I was simply thinking through all options and already in my mind had discounted that one as it didn’t sit comfortably with me, hence the option / solution to go into his brothers room.

It’s all worked out fine now anyway, I said to DS it would probably be best if she could stay at the party house and that’s what she is doing now

I don’t want my teenagers to be in such serious relationships when they are fifteen. I would rather that they had lots of girlfriends and boyfriends during those teenage years. I want them to go places and meet people and do things. Not settle down and start looking at sofas or whatever. And in my experience you are less likely to do that if you are in a serious relationship because there are two people to consider rather than just one. I also had a lovely boyfriend in sixth form and that relationship kept going through most of the first year at university. It definitely affected my experience there because I didn’t do some of the things that I should have been doing at eighteen because I had a boyfriend.

I’ve got a nineteen year old and yesterday she FaceTimed from university to say that she was going to Paris in the Easter holidays because one of her flatmates lives there and invited her for the Easter holiday. I don’t think she would be doing things like that if she had been in a relationship for four years.

Dd is also 19 on a gap year so far she has gone to: Tanzania, Belfast, Japan, Leeds, Manchester and is off to Thailand in April having a boyfriend doesn't seem to be clipping her wings too much...

At 16 years old I stayed at my boyfriend’s house and he stayed at mine, I had the bed in both houses and he was made to sleep downstairs on the sofa!
What our parents didn’t know was we were having sex downstairs before I was going up to bed!
This was early 80’s, and we’re still together now
We got our own house when I was 18, he was 2 years older than me

Offer a lift, or maybe the option where he bunks in with his brother.

You say that you don't think they're having sex yet, so suggesting that they share a room is not a good idea - if they're not sure if they're ready for sex, they may not want to be put in that position - and especially if one is and one isn't.

I didn't think you were trying to push anything. And in your opening post you clearly had a grimace after the option of them in the same room, so it was pretty obvious this was not what you would want.

I honestly don't know why some posters have been banging on (pun intended) about it!

I had similar agonies when my 16 year old wanted his 16 plus 2 days girlfriend to stay. But I allowed them, together since he was 15, her 14, to do so with the agreement of her mother. They’re now 30, and married with a baby.
Just sometimes you might need to consider your child might be wiser at life than you were.

When i was that age my bf was allowed to stay over but not in my bed, he had to sleep in the spare room and it was like that for the entire time i lived at home. My Mum was fully aware but ignored that my bf and I slept together most nights at uni but during holidays, when he visited, he was in the spare room. It only changed after I moved out and she couldn't pretend any longer we didn't sleep together. If they and you are ok them sleeping together, just go with it, maybe leave some protection in your son's room and invest in some ear plugs.

I'd let her at their age. They're past the age of consent and old enough to make their own decisions. I wouldn't contact her parents either - beyond a certain age I assumed teens could square things with their own parents or take responsibility for not doing so.

If you’re worried about them having sex, obviously I can’t say for certain but I can almost guarantee you that ship sailed long ago and at 16 almost 17 they won’t be hold hands in the park giving each other a quick peck on the lips. Making them sleep in separate bedrooms isn’t going to stop them sleeping together. If they’re not allowed to do it under your roof or her roof they’ll do it or will be doing it somewhere else.

I would let her stay over IF you’ve had a talk with your son about contraception and you know* they’re being safe. A teenage sleepover is how I became an aunt at 7 😭 but if they’re shagging they’re shagging.

*obviously there’s no way to be 100% sure unless you’re administering the contraceptive to the girl or worse, in the room providing condoms - but I mean beyond reasonable doubt. You know your son so I’m sure you can gauge how sensible/ ready he is.

This is exactly how I feel. I had my dd when I was 22 after being in a relationship since I was 18. I think part of the reason it ended up being more serious more quickly is because my Mum was so unbothered about him staying over. I was set to go to university and didn’t because I decided to stay with him - and then split up with him when dd was 6 months old because having a baby with him, and him moving in with me and my Mum made me realise how awful he actually was.

As a result I have never let dd (now aged 23) have any boyfriends stay over. Ever. She knows she just can’t. I actually think it encouraged her to go off to university to have that freedom. We have a great relationship and she’s now back from university living at home again and saving for her own place whilst working full time. Still no boyfriends allowed overnight. Now It’s also because I don’t want to wake up to people in my house who aren’t my dh or my dc (I also have a dc aged 14).

I think parents often give in too easily now. It’s okay to say no.

Why not? My DS has been with his gf since just before he started uni. ( 4 years)

He's worked abroad during uni holidays. Been to Asia backpacking a couple of times etc etc Not of it with her

Now saving for next travel plans

And they live together

Wonderful, and I was only answering the question you asked.

I just want them to be able to be impulsive.

I think I’ve answered why not. Freedom, suiting just yourself, not settling down too soon, enjoying meeting different people, making big decisions without having to consider others. That sort of thing.

No way.

So which of these things is my DS not doing then?

I don’t really know why you are asking me about your own son, I don’t know anything about him whatsoever.

I was answering a question that a completely different poster asked me.

Great way to encourage teenage pregnancy..

I'd say yes. They are bound to have dtd already by now. I think having a kind of pretence that they won't share a bed for sleeping in won't make any difference. Other than the fuss of making up an unnecessary extra bed.

At 23 ? that is ridiculous. I was a doctor with a mortgage at 23 I cannot imagine my parents telling me who I could sleep with !

Do people not ensure their teens are aware of contraception? Dd2 had an implant fitted at 16. 5 years protected no hassle

He hasn’t outright asked and so I wouldn’t offer, instead I’d be offering to drive her home.

Stay at friends? Oh if only she had a boy-friend 🫤

Most 16/17yr olds are not having sex unless all the surveys are lies.

MN does make me smile sometimes, because posters often mention that young adults’ brains aren’t fully mature until they’re 25 . Just because they’re technically adults doesn’t mean that they’re all capable of sorting out their lives and behaving like adults, etc.

Except for sex. At 16, these immature people are ready for it, no question about it. 🤣