AIBU to want my ex to have DS stay every weekend?

[Minimelanie]

I’ve allowed my DS to start staying over at my partner’s for the first time late last year since we split up when he was 1.
my son was young and attached to me and also wetted himself at night so I didn’t think it appropriate for him to sleep over before then.

DS is now at school so I’m having to look for work and want to do bar work which I’ve done in the past. For this reason, they need me Saturday nights. I’ve asked my ex to have our DS stay every Saturday night but he’s refused as he wants to do a certain hobby some weekends he says he’s taken up since I wouldn’t let him have our DS stay over until last year . He currently has him every Saturday daytime and overnights are sporadic, but a couple of times a month at least.

I live 40 mins away and he works full time.

he has a partner who I feel he wants to see more than having our DS over as why would he refuse otherwise?

For what? Court can't force a parent to have their child more than they are willing to. I wish mumsnetters wouldn't keep flippantly recommending people 'go to court' over patenting disagreements when they have no idea how feasible it would be and the amount of stress and expense that court can lead to. Sort it out between you, only go to court if you're coparenting with someone who is abusive, narcissistic and dangerous.

From what OP says the kid's Dad has him on Saturday day time anyway so that isn't a problem. The issue is at night.
There seems to be rather a lot of 'I want' from OP.

Every other Saturday though. What's she meant to do with the ones in between

Working four evenings a month doesn't seem viable as a job that would fund much?
You'll need a job during the week and to pay for childcare after school, or 50/50 parenting between you and the father.

Why did the father not go to court to sort 50/50 parenting in the last 5 years? That's appalling of him.

She’ll have to work it out. Like every other single parent.

Her current plan of one bar shift a week is not a plan, it’s idiotic. She has a child. She needs to earn a full time wage.

Get a proper arrangement in place that benefits your child's relationship with both parents. Maybe a starting point can be every other weekend and one night in the week with his dad and build up from there. YOu are now just wanting to use the dad as a free baby sitter, you are not looking at this from anyone else's perspective.

I think YABU Im afraid .You expect every WE "off" .Saturday nights are often the only evening people get to go out and let their hair down.Most working Mums find jobs 9 to 5 during the week.He isnt used to having DS every week up to now .He has plans too and a life outside of being a Dad

Seeing as its about 6% of the population that actually work 9-5 weekdays i doubt that.

Tell me any non office jobs for those hours only

And she wouldnt get saturday night off if she did the pub job as shed be working simply because of these people " letting their hair down"

Yes she needs more hours but chances of a 9-5 weekday only job are remote

I think that if you wanted your ex to act like a responsible parent, you should have treated him as equal in parenting responsibilities from the beginning.
You’ve treated him like a secondary parent who couldn’t possibly handle looking after your son overnight and now you suddenly want him to step up because it suits your schedule.

To be fair it’s not just you, so many women do it upon divorce/split where they insist the children have to stay with them and try to limit their fathers’ time and reduce them to cash machines. However when they need free childcare later in life for new work commitments, holidays or even dating again, suddenly the dads are „deadbeat” and „useless”.

Tbh you sound a bit unreasonable and need to compromise. You decided it wasn't appropriate now your son is older and want a bit of your own life back you expect ex to change the schedule. He couldn't put his life on hold indefinitely on the chance you might need overnight childcare. Surely there are some bar jobs that would let you work Friday nights or Saturday daytime every 2nd week? Altetnatively look into babysitters or consider similar hospitality roles less dependent on night work

So, for the last (almost) 5 years OP has kept the child with her overnight, seven days a week and purposely kept the father out of the picture (as much as possible).
This screams a set up designed to bring in as much money for OP as possible. Sorry, I don't believe this has been done because the child bed wets or whatever other excuses OP could come up with. It's all about the money.
The child is older now so the 'pressure' to work will be on, if OP had a partner it is usually about this point they would be getting pregnant again.
Instead OP is looking for a job with the most minimal amount of hours possible and it happens to fall exactly when her ex is doing his hobby. The one he took up when OP was withholding his child for 5 years.
The OP then has the gall to blame her ex's new partner because she hasn't been able to click her fingers and change the arrangement to suit her.
You really sound like the worst kind of woman/mother OP and you need to find a job that doesn't impact your son's life to this degree.

6%? Where are you getting your data from?

Even if he agreed, you will massively regret it in years to come. Weekends are the time to do some fun and relaxing things, the time to build a stronger bond beyond the stresses of school days.

How would you plan to pay bills if you only worked 1 shift a week? Surely you would need more hours than that?

Here

You reap what you sow, you used your child as a weapon and he is now saying no, no court will force someone to have the child every weekend, make other arrangements.

Respectfully OP, even if you had a 50/50 arrangement one parent wouldnt usually have the child every weekend.
You've already made things a bit difficult for yourself by refusing overnight contact until recently, which by assumption would mean that your ex wanted overnight contact. Given you split when he was 1, I'm surprised you did this as even if he wet the bed I'm assuming your ex was capable enough to change bedding? Given that your son is in school now, this would mean you've withheld your son overnight for 2-3 years?
You say there are no weekday hours in the bar job so you are going to have to find a job elsewhere.
Bar work is generally unskilled and minimum wage- are there no jobs available near you that fall into these parameters whilst your son is in school? A cafe or something?
Sorry it's probably not what you wanted to hear, best of luck finding work.

That’s not official statistic. It’s believed that over 70% of the UK population work Monday - Friday

And not ANY weekends? Excludes most of retail, hospitality, care workers, nurses, delivery and taxi drivers, hospiral cleaners, etc etc etc in that case

And whats " believed" is hardly an official statistic either.

Tbh i think i actually know ONE person irl who does 9-5 mon to friday.

In the same instance I don’t know anyone who works shifts in my own social circle. I work myself in emergency services in a
midweek only role among hundreds of others who also do. As do the majority of admin staff in NHS. There are thousands of businesses up and down the country that run Mon-Fri. Even places that are open 7 days a week will have some staff who have opted out of weekends and others who only want to work weekends. It’s called flexible working

Most places like retail and hospitality so want you to work weekends. And what about the nurses and doctors and HCA in the NHS. Doubt they all min - Fri 9-5.

Office jobs are different. And I live in a commuter town lol

This thread has made me feel so sorry for the little boy here. Parents squabbling over who is having him overnight "every weekend like he is some sort of hindrance.
Op, if I was you I'd be looking for weekday work when your child is at school (wrap around care if needed) then do every other weekend with his dad. I wouldn't be away from my dcs unless absolutely had to be.

Doesn't seem the dad ( and most dads tbh) feel the same way about not wanting to be away from their kids

It is very sad.

Yes there are those jobs but there’s so many more out there too. OP needs to look in all avenues outside of retail and bar work, it’s just narrowing her prospects. There has to be more out there otherwise no parent could ever get any work