AIBU to want my ex to have DS stay every weekend?

[Minimelanie]

I’ve allowed my DS to start staying over at my partner’s for the first time late last year since we split up when he was 1.
my son was young and attached to me and also wetted himself at night so I didn’t think it appropriate for him to sleep over before then.

DS is now at school so I’m having to look for work and want to do bar work which I’ve done in the past. For this reason, they need me Saturday nights. I’ve asked my ex to have our DS stay every Saturday night but he’s refused as he wants to do a certain hobby some weekends he says he’s taken up since I wouldn’t let him have our DS stay over until last year . He currently has him every Saturday daytime and overnights are sporadic, but a couple of times a month at least.

I live 40 mins away and he works full time.

he has a partner who I feel he wants to see more than having our DS over as why would he refuse otherwise?

What happens in school holidays?

Yes, it's unreasonable to expect him to have your son every Saturday night. That's very restrictive for the weekend. You'll have to find childcare for every other week.

He'd probably do what most FT working parents do, which is to use paid childcare? Childminder/nursery before school age and wraparound care once they're at school.

OP, you need to consider what's in the best interests of your child. I don't see how bar work every Saturday is compatible with that, especially as your ex doesn't want the child every weekend. But even if he did, you and your child wouldn't see each other much would you?!

YABU

You need to arrange childcare around your working arrangements.

Yabu. If you wanted him to have him longer on his weekend or more regularly so they could spend time with each other and you'd never limited their time spent together then I'd be on your side OP but it isn't for your child. However you have spent years limiting and controlling when he would see your shared child, if he would have child overnight and now you want him to do it because it now conveniences you and are trying to have a pity party because he said no. You can't have everything exactly the way you want all the time.

And neither can he.

The fairly standard arrangement is every other weekend. Often dads might do 5 nights out of 14. The mum here is the resident parent and presumably has accepted that. It’s all very well saying dads should get childcare but that’s not really putting dc first. His needs come first and he should be cared for appropriately. Not divided up like a cake.

Evening bar work when you have a young child realistically just isn’t on the cards unless you have a reliable co-parent you live with who has a flexible schedule. I would look into daytime hospitality work and get some childcare in place.

YABU

You are trying to control the situation to suit you and paint him as the bad guy when he won't bend to your demands.

Bar work is not best suited to your circumstances. I'd look for part time retail work if I was you. Something where you'll be able to work during the day, while your son is at school, and during the day on Saturdays while he's at his dad's. You'd be earning more than one night of bar work a week and the hours would be better suited to your circumstances.

Every other weekend would be a fair ask, but every weekend is unreasonable (especially given how you wouldn't let him have him overnight at all until recently). Every weekend wouldn't be in your son's best interests (when would he get quality time with you?) and would be an unreasonable ask on your ex, who is allowed to make time for a social life and his relationship every other weekend, in between working and taking care of his child. If he was more local, you could perhaps ask for more help of an evening during the week, but he's not so every other weekend would be fairest all round (not least for your son).

I'd change the request to every other weekend and half of the school holidays and see what he says. If he refuses, then you could be entitled to say he's being unreasonable. Right now, you are, as everything is on your terms. Definitely ditch the bar work idea as that is pretty much a no go for a single mum whose ex isn't that local.

It should be about what is best for you or son, not you.

Just weekends as no available hours for me in the week

Sorry I meant mandatory child support

You refused for ages then expect him to drop everything, for once the woman is being unreasonable. So wrong in depriving child of father as not just your child and so wrong in now deciding father should drop everything that he's been doing for you

So he paid child support for years even when you refused to let him have his child overnight for no real reason but now you've decided he needs to have him every weekend because it suits you, you think he should just agree without complaint?

Ah , was that a factor in not allowing contact?

How old is your child?

Yeah yabu.

Bit shocked you only let him have overnights with his dad when he was starting school.

Nearly 5

I don’t understand? He’s always paid child support

The poster means you get more money the less overnight contact the father has.

Ok, I had thought he was older as I saw references to you not allowing overnight stays for 'many years'. I don't think it's as bad as other posters are making out. Having said that, I will reiterate he can't be forced to spend time with his son at all and it's highly unlikely he would be ordered to see him every weekend.

It seems a bit unreasonable that you didn’t let him stay for years but now expect it to all be on your terms. A child wetting the bed is no reason to not spend time with their other parent for YEARS. Of course there may be a back story/more context which would change my opinion.

weekend work and DC aren’t a great combination, especially when children in school and only time you have with them. I’d look for something else.

Poor kid. Parents arguing over who has to have him, rather than who gets to have him. That’s heartbreaking

I think YABU.

In an ideal set up really it would be alternate weekends (or a set pattern) so you both get quality time with your child and equally time that is a break as you are Co parents not together.

I can imagine it's frustrating with work hours only being a Saturday and potentially very difficult but you would also lose that time with your child every single weekend. So only quality time becomes holidays.

I don't think a Saturday night job will fulfil the UC requirement for earnings.