To take child out of nursery?

[AleaEim]

Hi,

Looking for advice, enlightenment, help!!

My dd, 14 months has been sick back to back for the last 5 weeks since starting nursery. She goes there two days a week and is supposed to be going to a childminder 3 days a week but hasn’t managed to complete her settling in sessions with the CM as she’s been sick every single week. On mat leave, I took her to baby groups/ soft play/ playgrounds every day and she only had a couple of coughs and colds the whole year, I’m not a germaphobe, I frequently forgot to wash her hands and often met up with other parents who’s babies had runny noses etc so I know she is quite resilient when it comes to illnesses (until now). I’m very close to just taking her out of nursery and switching to childminder full time (she’s told me she has a full time place), I realise it’s not guaranteed that she won’t pick up things there but surely it won’t be as bad as the CM only has 2-3 other children (all over the age of 2.5) whereas the nursery has 10-15 babies under 16 months all in one room.

DH thinks we should wait until the end of the month to see if things improve (that means she’d go in this Thurs/fri and next) as we have paid them until then, I think sending her in to a cesspool of germs is just going to lead to another two weeks of illnesses when she could start with the CM straight away and let this hell end.

We are both in two minds about taking her out of nursery and switching to CM, the nursery is outstanding rated in Ofsted whereas the CM is rated good. The nursery give the children two hours outdoor time a day in all weather (they really do), it’s family run, they host nice things that have dazzled us such as Mother’s Day parties/ stay and plays etc, they have forest school, baby ballet, toddler football. It feels wrong to just pull her out because they offer so much and dh thinks they have better facilities/ space/ resources than the CM. I think he’s right but also from a developmental POV, the CM will be better for attachment, consistency and her physical well-being if she gets less ill. But why can’t I just throw the towel in and tell the nursery she’s not going back? It’s almost like we have a FOMO.

Its been extremely stressful these past few weeks and I don’t know how we can go on, on top of that we’re both catching things from dd as well and I started back to work feeling dreadful last week and dh has been battling with flu symptoms for two weeks now, it’s put such a strain on us. I’ve also missed two days of work already including my first day, I have to be off today as well as dd is unwell again, another virus! It’s harder for DH to take days off as I’m on a doctorate course so won’t get penalised as much for taking days off but still I have a lot of work to do and need to start getting into a routine now or things will never be done. DH also has an awful boss and the company he works for is not family friendly at all. I’m with the NHS so they’re more understanding.

Part of me thinks we’re mad to just send her back info nursery this week as we could just have the CM if we wanted and it might be much better for us.

Not sure what I’m asking but just wish we could make a bloody decision.

Have a thorough read up on attachment theory and linked research studies if common sense isn’t sufficient.

At that age I think CMs are better anyway. Save nursery till age 3.

When they are so little I would just go with a childminder. Something I wish I had done with my own kids. I put both of mine in nursery from 10 months old and they got everything for the first year. Actually probably not as bad as I’ve heard some kids, it wasn’t every week or even every month but they were still ill a lot with anything contagious. Slapped cheek, impetigo, conjunctivitis etc.

I don’t think they get anything out of nursery when they are so little but I do think they start to enjoy it more from age 2.

I think good nurseries are brilliant, but I do think a single provider is better for a very little one. If you like the childminder I might be inclined to stick with her, and switch to nursery when your daughter is older. However, bear in mind childminders also get sick and don't have cover - nursery will always be open.

Realistically, she's going to get all these illnesses at some point. What you're experiencing is completely normal, we've all been through it, and if she doesn't get them now she'll get them at school. There are a few kids who didn't go to nursery in my son's class, and their parents have been tearing their hair out over how often they were ill in the first couple of years. The kids who were in nursery had noticeably fewer sick days - my son's only had a couple each year.

There is an argument that older children are more resilient and able to fight illnesses better, which to some extent I agree with. And having a non-verbal ill child is much more stressful than one that can tell you what's wrong. But in my experience my son's very good nursery was better for him than a childminder would have been (he's been with a childminder for school pick up and I can see he was better at nursery).

Unfortunately this is just a stage you have to go through.

If you can postpone the nursery place without losing it then I would move to CM only. DC was with a CM until 2.5 then moved to nursery which felt right as by that stage they did benefit from more social opportunities and activities than the CM could offer.

Yes that first winter is often brutal and everything you've described about juggling time off, parents getting sick etc are things lots of other parents will also have struggled with so you're not alone in that.

As others have said though it does get easier - DC has not had any days off in reception and viruses are all mild these days.

@AleaEim sorry you’re all having a rubbish time. It’s horrible seeing them being sick and it’s horrible being ill yourself and having to parent with no energy when you just want someone to look after you - especially in winter so you have my full sympathies.

It can be completely normal to have illness after illness especially first winter nursery - no matter how much they’ve socialised as babies (baby classes are often only 45ish mins long and as they’re less mobile etc less chance of spreading germs etc). I say this to say I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. She may well be one of those just unlucky ones who it is affecting more. Is she regularly needing antibiotics or hospital admission? If so I would be a bit concerned that there may be an underlying cause.

You say she’s been there 5 weeks, only 2 days a week - so she’s actually only had 10 sessions (if that) in the midst of winter - I personally think that is really too early and the likelihood is coming up to spring things will get better but Ofc no guarantees. as another pp suggested could you pull her out now and re-apply for nursery another time. The nursery sounds great and offers way more than most nurseries in my area but ultimately I wouldn’t care about baby ballet or Forrest school if we were constantly housebound because of sickness. A CM may just suit your child better - for now- and I say that as someone who has a dc in nursery 4 days a week loves it there.

As for unsolicited comments people wanting to stick the knife if about sending children to a childcare setting - NO ONE ASKED YOU! @ThankYouNigel “Nothing beats Mum though”. - except my nursery definitely beats me at providing socialisation with other children , messy play, crafting, celebrating a diverse range of cultural celebrations, outdoor play in all weathers all of which my dc loves. They’ve been thriving since they went there and it has actually helped us build more of a “village” as we have made good friends with other parents and have someone who we can rely on to do a pick up / drop off / play date with if needed.

This Mum also enjoys her work - which she spent 6 undergraduate training in and so far 12 postgraduate years working in and doesn’t want to give it up purely because she had a child. I recognise I’m privileged because im 80% and have a career I enjoy - that’s not the case for everyone - for most people being a working parent isn’t a choice it’s a reality because the mortgage / rent / bills/ children’s clothes / activities / holidays don’t pay for themselves.

Not to mention if the female workforce with children pre school age all stopped working we would economically would be more stuffed than we already are. I can’t believe in 2026 we can’t all just respect each others different decisions or at least understand not everyone is in the same position. I would never dream of going on a thread about a SAHM struggling and start spouting stuff about what their kids would be missing at nursery.

Wow people really can’t cope with different and valid opinions to their own.

It is the right thing to do by your child to switch their environment if they are constantly ill. Obvious.

But children do need food, clothes and a roof over their heads. Plenty of children in childcare do just fine, many even thrive there! Very few families have the luxury of being able to keep babies/toddler at home, and shock horror some actually want to preserve a career too.

I started a similar thread a while back, after DS (17 months) didn’t manage a full week at nursery during winter and I was desperate. However, and I don’t want to jinx it, but we are now in week 3 without absences. He has a cold, but is doing well otherwise and really enjoys it. It might all get better very soon, the winter is almost over! But on a separate note, I’d opt for one setting rather than mixing settings. Two settings just means more viruses to catch and also less routine and consistency.

Under 3s actually thrive at home where they experience a secure attachment to their mother or their father as a close second. The modern, trendy narrative of babies needing socialising and education is utterly incorrect, and it is outrageous parents are being fed this as gospel whilst the inherent attachment and health needs of babies and toddlers are overlooked in the name of convenience and greed. Horrendous society with horrendous priorities that we live in!

What do you suggest people do for money then? Working is actually quite important, cost of living is so high that one average wage doesn't cut it without life being pretty miserable - it's hardly greed just to be able to afford the basics.
It is possible to have a secure attachment and use childcare, the two are not mutually exclusive. Just another way to pile guilt on mothers!

The fact that families are sadly often entirely priced out of looking after their own children in the years when it most matters is a national disgrace.

The cost of housing, food, everything of course needs looking at. There are massive underlying issues. Some countries reward families financially who have children far more than we do here.

People are sadly forced to use below par nurseries, unless they have plenty of money to at least secure a safe setting which is hygienic and hopefully has stronger safeguarding measures to prevent all the paedophiles who actively plan to infiltrate nurseries from gaining access (you only need to briefly check out the news to see how unsafe some nurseries are. One very local to me was shut recently- the OFSTED report was truly horrendous, children regularly escaping and injuring themselves, etc).

Parents need to push back and not accept the bare minimum for their vulnerable children, and refuse to be convinced that they can’t do a better job themselves.

I actually used to visit Nurseries regularly across the county professionally, and many were truly dire in terms of having very young, poorly educated and quite frankly disinterested members of staff who very poor at tackling poor behaviour. I’d never have let mine set foot in them!

YANBU. I would def choose cm at this age. Especially since it's your first child. My firstborn was rarely sick because I was a sahm and we were mostly outside but also attended play groups every week. DS2 was sick 80% of his first 2 years because DS1 brought home everything from school without getting too sick himself. Ds2 had chicken pox at 2 months the poor thing. So with an older child you can't shield the younger one but right now you have an option.

This is what I think tbh and also what chat gpt says that if she mixes when a little older it shouldn’t be as bad, she’s not a sickly baby, as I said I mixed her with plenty of babies before and she never got seriously sick. It’s a myth that she needs to go through nursery to have a good immune system, I never went to nursery and now hardly ever get sick as an adult. She’s a good eater but only now eating bland food for a month, has been living on calpol, can’t enjoy days off with her now as she’s always out of sorts when she’s normally quite happy. Apparently, getting illness after illness is bad for immunity actually.

Omg really? And he went to nursery and caught back to back illnesses?? I don’t know why people seem to think it’s normal and we should soldier on. We have the option of childminder now so might just go with her. Just like the nursery s thought it would be nice to have her there too.

It’s so hard to find a small one in london though, we do have option of childminder now but at some point I’d like to send her to nursery again to be school ready etc when older, what I’m worried about is would it just happen again anyway in two or three years time or would it happen but not be as bad because she’ll be older. I suppose we can’t know that. In two years time I’ll be qualified and maybe then it would be worse for her to be constantly ill then as I’ll have more responsibility in my role.

Even at 3 he caught everything? Was it back to back like every single week? That’s what I’m dealing with now, can deal with one sickness a month I’m sure.

Bless you for your misguided attempt at oneupmanship but trust me, I am very well versed in attachment theory and indeed child development. I won't say that nurseries are a good choice for every child, but you're completely unreasonable to say they're a bad choice for every child.

You come on a thread where a woman is exhausted and her and her dc have been unwell back to back for 5 weeks. She’s just returning from Mat leave. She asked a clear question about CM v nursery. I took umbridge with your comment “nothing beats Mum” as that in my view was not helpful or supportive and insinuates that she is choosing childcare over spending time with her child.

I then go on to explain in detail exactly how I find in MY personal experience the many ways my dc is actually better off in nursery than with me 🤣 and stated the individual and population economical implications of all women with pre school children stopping work. I don’t see this is me not being able to cope with your opinion - that is me just stating my opinion which differs from yours. You've later posted about under 3s thriving at home because of attachment etc - I personally think every child is different and don’t agree you can make sweeping statement a about all children’s development when there are so many other confounding factors at play. A hill I will die on is nobody can tell me what my child needs more than me especially not someone who’s never met them because they broadly fit into a group of being “under 3”

Another point I was making is that not all women (including me) WANT to spend all day every day with their kids. Obviously it’s a privilege to have the choice and I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to work less, but I enjoy work, I find joy in it and am glad my dc has the model of a working mother - that is no shade at all to people who chose to give up work. Everyone has the right to parent exactly how they like (the chances are all children will be completely fine)

“it is the right thing to do by your child to switch if they’re constantly ill”. - if you re read my post you will see that I also stated that so at least we agree there 🤣

You come on a thread where a woman is exhausted and her and her dc have been unwell back to back for 5 weeks. She’s just returning from Mat leave. She asked a clear question about CM v nursery. I took umbridge with your comment “nothing beats Mum” as that in my view was not helpful or supportive and insinuates that she is choosing childcare over spending time with her child.

I then go on to explain in detail exactly how I find in MY personal experience the many ways my dc is actually better off in nursery than with me 🤣 and stated the individual and population economical implications of all women with pre school children stopping work. I don’t see this is me not being able to cope with your opinion - that is me just stating my opinion which differs from yours. You've later posted about under 3s thriving at home because of attachment etc - I personally think every child is different and don’t agree you can make sweeping statement a about all children’s development when there are so many other confounding factors at play. A hill I will die on is nobody can tell me what my child needs more than me especially not someone who’s never met them because they broadly fit into a group of being “under 3”

Another point I was making is that not all women (including me) WANT to spend all day every day with their kids. Obviously it’s a privilege to have the choice and I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to work less, but I enjoy work, I find joy in it and am glad my dc has the model of a working mother - that is no shade at all to people who chose to give up work. Everyone has the right to parent exactly how they like (the chances are all children will be completely fine)

“it is the right thing to do by your child to switch if they’re constantly ill”. - if you re read my post you will see that I also stated that so at least we agree there 🤣 apologies for detailing thread

Yeah I’m thinking that by the time she’s 3 or 4 she can toilet herself, sleep better, better hand hygiene (to some degree) so surely it’s less dramatic. Ugh, it looks like I will have to take her out, such a shame. Now to decide whether to bother sending her in for the two weeks we’ve paid for or just juggle some things around and take her out immediately.

Which role will you be working in? They do still frequently get vomiting bugs etc when at school, and some professions are extremely unforgiving of parents needing time off. Many childcare providers refuse understandably to take ill children, so good to have a plan for illness cover.

Thank you for your kind words.

How long did it take to get better?

Did your older one get constant illnesses when they started school?