To not invite my son?

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’m in a relationship with a guy who has a 8 year old son and I have a 9 year old son. We’ve been together for two years and all get along well. We still stay separately due to my partners son staying far away so he has kept his house and stays there with his son 3 nights a week and with me the rest of the week. He told me last night that he’s booked football tickets for him and his son and his son will be coming to my house to stay over as my house is much closer to the football stadium. My son isn’t as into football but still enjoys it and loves spending time with my partner and his son. I immediately asked why he didn’t even ask if my son would have liked to join them but he said he guessed my son wouldn’t like it and he wanted to do something just him and his son. I questioned that straight away as I said my son still likes football so there’s a high chance he would have wanted to go especially since my partner and his son will be staying with us on the night of the match and my son might feel left out. Later on that night my partners dad phoned him (my partner barely talks to his dad) and it turns out that my partner called his dad and asked if he wanted to go to the football and so he’s also going. Its really got to me because I feel like it’s unfair that he hasn’t even asked my son if he’d like to go (I said I’d have paid for my sons ticket) especially when my partner and son are staying at my house that night and after saying he wanted some time just him and his son he then invites his dad who has only ever met his grandson a handful of times. My partner says I’m being crazy and anyone else that heard that I’m upset at this would think im crazy too. Advice welcome please

Did he ask if they could stay or does he take it for granted Op because it's your home, not his. Does he contribute to your household financially or is he an unpaid guest four days a week? I ask because you don't sound much like a blended family to me if he didn't think to invite your DS

Did you actually invite them all to stay or has he just decided that is what’s happening? Seems incredibly inconsiderate on your DP’s part. I’d be telling him to find somewhere else to stay rather than let him rub your son’s nose in it.

I would tell DP they are NOT staying at your house the night before. Who does he think he is, arranging that without asking g you first? If he had done do, you could have asked for a ticket for your son, too.
I would consider this to be a big red flag and rethink this relationship.

Try reading the OP again, @MCF86. Because you have completely missed the point.

I think he did it simply because it's what he wanted to do. He didn't give your son a second thought because he didn't want to. He wasn't concerned about your son being upset either by staying over in your house. That would concern me personally, especially as your son is fond of them. I would feel protective over my son

Either they all go and stay at yours, or he takes his son and they stay elsewhere.

If he was going but just didn't invite your son, no problem.
The fact that he TOLD you he was staying - big problem. If he's staying at yours after football then he needs to extend an invite to your son without you pointing that out.
I would absolutely not let him stay. No way.

I think it would be a good exercise to say no to him staying and see what his reaction is. With a couple of potential red flags already it would give you an insight into how he reacts to you setting boundaries.

Doing something just with his son is fine, but he should have discussed it with you if it impacts you. He should stay at his place, not announce that they are staying at yours. Its your home, not a hotel for his convenience, so as a minimum he should have asked if it was okay.

Calling you crazy is a red flag in many ways, acting like he has the right to come and go without consulting you is also a concern. Wanting father/ son time is great, but the rest of his behaviour is a real worry.

This is an excellent idea.

I've said you were not unreasonable as even although it is good for your partner, his son and his dad to do something for them, using your home as a base to do it without inviting someone who actually lives in that home is a piss take.

Looking back, I did miss that he told her they would be staying at hers. That does change things considerably!
If they're blended enough to assume that, they're blended enough to take both kids.

I think YABU as he wants to do something with his own son. The bit that throws him off is him using your house to stay in beforehand. Just tell him he needs to stay in his own home and travel to the match from there.

This! Why does he get to dictate this? I'd say he isn't welcome to stay at yours if there hasn't even been a conversation about whether or not your son is invited. Watch out for this behaviour - men are particularly bad for thinking only about their own blood or self-interest. I'm sure he'd be upset if you did the same back to him for something his son would enjoy.

I dont think its unreasonable for him not to take your son.
I wouldnt let him stay though, thats just rubbing your son's nose in it

This is exactly why people shouldn’t be so selfish to impose ‘blended families’ or other people’s kids on their children. Imagine how your son feels. Completely fine for him to take just his son, BUT does your son really need that rubbed in his face?
he has his own house, why the need to mix the kids together. Have your relationship separately

It’s fine. I wouldn’t invite someone else’s kid away for a special treat with my dc, especially if I didn’t see them often. He isn’t just free childcare.

I think he is a CF to TELL you he and his son are staying at your house to go to the football. If he wants family time out with his son and dad that's fine but he shouldn't be using your house like a hotel.

I think this makes it important that it is just the grandson there - your DP is making an opportunity for his Dad and Ds to spend time together.

It is OK for your DP to spend time with his son. I assume you have your child almost full time whereas your DP sees less of his?

And your Ds is not as into the football.

But he was taking you for granted if he thinks he can just use your home as a B&B.

Does his Ds often come with him?

I think its absolutely fine to want to spend time with his son and his Dad going to the football if its their thing. Your son doesn't even like football so why would he even think to invite him?

You don't have to do everything together and its okay for parents to have one on one time with their own child. I'm pretty sure you don't invite his son to everything you and your son do together do you?

I think you are blowing this out of proportion a little.

I have two DD's, I have always spent time with both of them together, and individually. I haven't felt like I always have to invite the other one along if I am doing something with the other.

As long as you do plenty of things together also then its not an issue IMO.

If you don't want them staying at your house then tell them, although, if its closer and easier for them I would personally want to allow that.

Doing something with his own son is fine, but the second he invited himself to your house, where your son will be made to feel left out, he became a colossal knobhead.

Mark my words, as your son gets older this type of man will increasingly seek to put him in his place, and make him feel second best to him and his own child.

If you roll over and take this treatment of your son you will be a weak and poor excuse of a mother.

Agree. Say no.

He needs to stay elsewhere.

Id get tickets myself and go to the match x

@Sophie198643 he doesn’t get to tell you that you are crazy ! He isn’t really listening to you is he or cares about your feelings on the matter .
Id say it’s not convenient to stay at yours I think not asking your son but staying at your house is mega cheeky .

I he wants just time with his son and dad so be it. I wouldn’t have my son knowing he hasn’t been asked though.