To not invite my son?

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’m in a relationship with a guy who has a 8 year old son and I have a 9 year old son. We’ve been together for two years and all get along well. We still stay separately due to my partners son staying far away so he has kept his house and stays there with his son 3 nights a week and with me the rest of the week. He told me last night that he’s booked football tickets for him and his son and his son will be coming to my house to stay over as my house is much closer to the football stadium. My son isn’t as into football but still enjoys it and loves spending time with my partner and his son. I immediately asked why he didn’t even ask if my son would have liked to join them but he said he guessed my son wouldn’t like it and he wanted to do something just him and his son. I questioned that straight away as I said my son still likes football so there’s a high chance he would have wanted to go especially since my partner and his son will be staying with us on the night of the match and my son might feel left out. Later on that night my partners dad phoned him (my partner barely talks to his dad) and it turns out that my partner called his dad and asked if he wanted to go to the football and so he’s also going. Its really got to me because I feel like it’s unfair that he hasn’t even asked my son if he’d like to go (I said I’d have paid for my sons ticket) especially when my partner and son are staying at my house that night and after saying he wanted some time just him and his son he then invites his dad who has only ever met his grandson a handful of times. My partner says I’m being crazy and anyone else that heard that I’m upset at this would think im crazy too. Advice welcome please

I can see why you're upset, but it sounds like it's just your partner being a typical man and not thinking things through properly before he told you what was happening.
I'd try and do something nice with your son that evening, so he feels as though he's having a treat and tell him that he wasn't invited by your partner because he didn't want your son to feel left out because his dad is also going. It might not be the truth (or maybe it was going to happen all along and it's your partner being a bloke who's ballsed it up) but it would make sense to your son.

Edited to add that I hadn't seen your partner had called you crazy. Blokes don't like being told they've done something wrong and often verbally lash out. If you think that's all it is, tell him he's out of order. If that's a pattern, I'd have a rethink.

@Sophie198643 I voted YABU because it's nice he is doing something with his son and dad, but as he hasn't invited your son then I'd say no to them staying over if your son isn't invited.

I would be fine him not including your son in the football outing if it weren't for the fact he intends that he and his son will be stay at your home on the night of the match.
I find that absolutely downright nasty tbh: rubbing your son's face in the fact he has been excluded from the outing. I think it shines a light on his attitude to your child and I wouldn't feel the same about him because of that.

I think a much higher bar for resilience will help everyone with the inevitable challenges of blended parenting.

My mum couldn’t handle my dad seeing his four kids with his gf there; understandable of course but consequently we never saw him regularly after that. Totally rubbish of him but also a consequence of my mum putting herself first in this instance.

If this dad wants to do this that’s great - another time you may want to do something alone with your child and will have the right always to do things separately and together.

Also you are teaching the boys that they can still come first sometimes. It’s so important for kids to have that.

Hmm. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to do something with his son and father alone. I don't think its reasonable for him to use your house as bed and board to facilitiate that, and then out to go to something your son would have enjoyed.

I'd tell him he can't stay that night, not to be petty but because if you don't live together, he stays when he's invited, and when it suits you, not when he tells you he will for his own convenience.

I think he’s being unreasonable. He gets plenty of me-time with just his son. It’s really rubbing it in to stay at your house and for your son to see them going off to the match together. It’s a bonding activity for them and your son is left out. Does his dad ever take him? Maybe that would be the solution. Could it become a regular thing? I’d set some boundaries before it becomes a regular situation excluding your son.

This.
all these posters tripping up over themselves to say that this is completely normal when in the real world, of course you’d expect an invite for your son when the kids are close in age and they will be staying at your house that night.

I would see him inviting his dad as a huge plus maybe trying to improve his relationship. There is no reason why his son can't get some alone time with him in a shared hobby - they just need to go from his house if it bothers you. I am guessing your son has alone time with his own dad.

So, is the GF coming to yours too or meeting them there? It's a bit cheeky to be staying at yours to do something you and your son are excluded from unless he asked you (not just told!) first. If you lived together full time that would be different.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, this is just one of those shit situations in blended families.
You aren’t unreasonable to be upset that he hasn’t asked your son to go.
He isn’t unreasonable to want a “three generations” day out (some adults still yearn for that connection with their distant parent).

The only thing utterly taking the piss is your partner telling you they’re staying at your house after because it’s closer.
Since when is your house/your family for convenience only?

You need to be all happy and breezy about him going with his son. Great father son time etc.

But also tell him, 'Go from yours please. I don't want yoursonsname getting upset that he wasn't invited. We'll see you Thursday instead. Have a fab time!.'

It's the staying over at yours and essentially using your home as a hotel and rubbing the trip in your son's face that I have a problem with. If he takes his son that's fine, father son trip. But to use your home because it's more convenient is not ok.

I think it's fine for him to go to the football with his dad and son, he may want to build some bridges and that's ok.

It's bloody cheeky of him to invite himself back to your house to stay afterwards. If he wants bonding time with his son he needs to go elsewhere. Coming back to yours after a great day out your son's not been invited to is not on. It may cause your son upset. DP is not wrong to go but he's wrong to flaunt it, that would be the thing upsetting me tbh.

But also this!

I said neither are unreasonable but that’s based off my own experience of trying to rationalise the same situation to my 8 year-old.
Her “Step-Mum” has a daughter a year older than my daughter and she takes her to get her nails done while my daughter is at her house. My daughter begs to go, I said yes to the Step-Mum but for half term only though, they went on Saturday and didn’t take my daughter. She cried.
Me and my partner have to pick up the pieces and we hate the Step-Mum for many reasons, my daughter’s Dad is pathetic and “stays out of it to keep the peace”.

So yeah, actually, your partner’s a dick for not inviting your son and then also telling you they’ll be staying at yours after.

It sounds like the issue is mainly them staying at yours so just tell them that doesn't work for you.

This. I‘d feel a bit used: good enough to provide a place to stay but not good enough to make an effort for my child.

If he wanted to do something with his child on their own, then he should have stayed at his home and not imposed on you. Couldn’t he have stayed with his Dad?

I would have expected your partner to ask if your DS wanted to join. Just out of courtesy.

Take your son out that day and do something he loves - just the two of you. Your partner sounds careless and I‘d watch him from now on. If he can’t make an effort with your child and you then you’re better off without him.

This, it's fine for him to have one to one time with his son and his dad but it's not on that he can just assume that he can use your home as a base.

Does he make a financial contribution for the four days a week spent in your house? Also, he spends two days a week with your son and three alone with his. You are splitting your time with your son with him and his son has his undivided attention during his days.

Not unreasonable AT ALL to want to do a trip with just his son, however it is a bit cheeky to TELL you he and son are staying over the night before for convenience. That’s what I would push back on, that he’s in a way included you in these plans for his comfort & it would have really been nice manners to have asked, not assumed, and to have considered that it may at that point been nice to extend the offer to you and your son.

Prioritise your son and tell your partner that he and his son cannot stay that night as you do not want your son upset at being left out.

Do not back down, say no to him staying over. He didn't even ask you, the fucker just assumed he could stay, and expects you to feed them too I bet.

They can go to the football together but they don’t need to be staying at your house. You aren’t a hotel.

I think it’s fine for him to go to football with his son and dad

but he should have asked if for him and son to stay at yours

assume his first time

Does his son have a bed at your house and is he expecting you to make this/change it? He is bang out of order using your house as a hotel for his convenience and the ‘crazy’ comment is the constant term I read on here when men tell their next partner why they split up with their previous one. I absolutely would tell him to stay elsewhere and have a think about why he’s excluded your ds.

It would be a no to staying at mine if I were you. Tell him it's not working for you since son is not invited and tell them to enjoy the game.

Do you invite his son every time you take your son out somewhere?

Your partner is making an effort to get his dad and son together. I don't see why that's hard to get your head round!