To not invite my son?

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’m in a relationship with a guy who has a 8 year old son and I have a 9 year old son. We’ve been together for two years and all get along well. We still stay separately due to my partners son staying far away so he has kept his house and stays there with his son 3 nights a week and with me the rest of the week. He told me last night that he’s booked football tickets for him and his son and his son will be coming to my house to stay over as my house is much closer to the football stadium. My son isn’t as into football but still enjoys it and loves spending time with my partner and his son. I immediately asked why he didn’t even ask if my son would have liked to join them but he said he guessed my son wouldn’t like it and he wanted to do something just him and his son. I questioned that straight away as I said my son still likes football so there’s a high chance he would have wanted to go especially since my partner and his son will be staying with us on the night of the match and my son might feel left out. Later on that night my partners dad phoned him (my partner barely talks to his dad) and it turns out that my partner called his dad and asked if he wanted to go to the football and so he’s also going. Its really got to me because I feel like it’s unfair that he hasn’t even asked my son if he’d like to go (I said I’d have paid for my sons ticket) especially when my partner and son are staying at my house that night and after saying he wanted some time just him and his son he then invites his dad who has only ever met his grandson a handful of times. My partner says I’m being crazy and anyone else that heard that I’m upset at this would think im crazy too. Advice welcome please

This. Tell him to stay in a hotel x

I think it’s ok he does stuff just him and his son, but I can imagine it will be upsetting for your son.

How far is his own home with his son from yours and the football stadium?
Are you setting the ground rules that when you are together that neither of you are able to do things with one child and not the other?

I’m not seeing the big issue with him staying at hers. It sounds like a regular thing for him to stay over and not an inconvenience. When we lived separately I’d stay at my partner’s sometimes to be closer to work or whatever. It sounds like she would’ve been fine with it if he was taking her son to the football so seems a bit petty to say no staying over because he’s not taking him.

Anyone staying at someone else's house and treating their child and not a child that lives in the house is taking the piss.

I think it is fine. Completely natural for him to want to do some activities only with his son. And for you to do the same.

I would be abls to distract my son with a fun activity for us but if your son will be hurt ask partner to stay somewhere else.

Can you explain why?

My partner says I’m being crazy and anyone else that heard that I’m upset at this would think im crazy too.

This is worrying. He is 'crazy making' you. I would consider where this whole relationship is actually going long term.

It's great he is doing things with his son and also his dad but your home doesn't need to accommodate that. Maybe he is trying to rebuild his relationship with his dad and wants him to spend more time with his grandson which is also positive.

I would suggest that he finds alternative accomodation for the nights of the football.

I think it’s fine and very normal for him to only want to take his son and not yours. If you think your son will be upset, then tell your partner than he and his son can’t stay at your house for that night. He is prioritising his son which is good, and you need to do the same.

Red flag that he’s calling you crazy and telling you others would also think you’re crazy. Be careful.

Say no to staying over.
the issue is not that your partner wants to spend time with his son, it’s that he wants to rub your child’s face in it.
say no.

He's doing something with his family. Yabu

Your partners son may want some time with just his dad, it is not about you

He shouldn’t stay at your house on this occasion.
He’s thinking like a man with no other responsibilities, which is fine, prioritising his relationship with his Dad and son- which is also fine, indeed it’s important, but he hasn’t considered the wider picture, that your son will feel left out of a big treat, and upset.

I think YABU except for the fact your partner seems to have assumed he and his son can stay with you. You’re either a “blended” family or you’re not. If he’s ok to assume his son can stay at yours he should have asked about the football. I think it’s ok for just him and his son to do stuff together, but not act like you’re a crazy person for saying your son might feel left out.

Doing something with his son on his own is fine but doing it using your house as a base and essentially taunting your son about not going is so not ok. He sounds incredibly selfish and lacking in consideration. He would not be staying in my home that night and I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

So the chap and his son are staying at your house then going to the football together? And your son is supposed to happily wave them off and not wonder why he was not invited? Bonkers. Tell him to find a hotel close to the football ground. Bloody cheek. At the minimum he should have asked if you and your son wanted to go, but he should have definitely asked (as he wants to be in your house) if your boy wanted to go as well. This would be a game changer for me.

This is what the red flag was for me.

Appropriate responses would’ve been,
I’m sorry, I didn’t think, happy to get him a ticket if he’d like to come
Sorry but I just wanted a day with my own son and dad, we don’t need to stay over at yours
Sorry, I didn’t think he’d want to come as he’s not that fussed on football, but he can come if he wants or we won’t stay over

But instead it’s “you’re crazy”.

Red flag that he’s calling you crazy and telling you others would also think you’re crazy. Be careful.

This is another thing for me. Who is he to say what anyone but himself would think of the situation and he certainly doesn’t get to tell you how you should feel, that aspect is very narcissistic behaviour from him couple that with his lack of ability to see your side and lack of consideration for your son I would be very wary.

The issue here is that he’s taking for granted that he can use your house as a base when he sees fit, and that’s he’s calling you ‘crazy’. Not that he wants to do something one on one with his own child.

It says in her post - 2 years

I never understand the obsession with blended families have to do everything together all the time. It’s not natural. There are subsections within each blended family and it’s fine for them to remain

I can’t stand people like you who force others together. Let him be the good dad he’s being!!! My mum would force into situations like this and we’d hate it

OP, I don’t think it’s the fact that he’s taking his DS to football that’s the problem, but the fact that he’s expecting that he and his son will stay at yours because it’s more convenient. I doubt that Grandad will be staying - why don’t you suggest to your DH that this might be a good chance for DGF to get to know his DGS a little better, and perhaps it would be better if your DP were to stay over with his Dad? Clearly your partner wants this football match to be family time for his family - so he shouldn’t be involving you in any way, and that includes staying at your house.

It's fine that he hasn't invited your son. Your son isn't into football anyway. He should have asked if he could stay at yours though.

I think it’s fine for him to be taking his son and dad out for the day.

But I agree he shouldn’t be staying at your house beforehand and especially not just assuming. Nip that one in the bud straight away.