To think it’s incredibly sad that there’s still such a huge stigma against mental health issues?

[Theboredpanda]

TW: mention of suicidal thoughts

I suffer from depression but it comes in waves of around 3 days to 2 weeks. In-between I’m completely normal, happy, positive, full of energy. I can be fine for months on end, 7-8 months even. But if something triggers me at the wrong time, it can have a catastrophic effect on my MH. My world comes crashing down around me, I can’t stop crying, sometimes can’t get out of bed, often feel suicidal, can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. I’ve been on meds for years which have helped enormously in that these episodes are far less frequent, but they still happen. I have to take time off work occasionally and ask my co-parent if he can have the kids for extra days. My HR dept is aware but none of my colleagues are and I don’t discuss it with friends or family either. They know I suffer from it but no one likes to talk about it. It actually makes me want to scream sometimes. If I’ve had to take time off work I’ll have to come back with a pre-prepared lie for my colleagues about how I had an awful stomach bug because that’s socially acceptable to talk about. (It’s rare I take time off work so physical illness is believable). Some of my friends at work would feel more comfortable talking about the consistency of my made-up diarrhoea than they would about depression. I have to lie to family about why I don’t answer their calls for days too. Usually another lie about being so ill with food poisoning I was bed bound. Because if I told them the truth I’d just get awkward mumbling. I used to tell my kids’ dad the truth as he knows I suffer from depression. However, I’ve had to start lying to him too or he refuses to have the kids, as it’s “not a good enough reason” apparently. It’s very rare I ask him to keep the kids for an extra day or two because of my depression (maybe twice a year) and it’s only because I don’t want them to see me like this. When I used to tell him the truth he’d refuse, telling me to “pull myself together”. If I pushed it he’d start saying “well maybe you shouldn’t have them at all” and threaten to go to court for full custody, saying I was a danger to them (I’m not and never have been). He only did this so I’d back down and take them, which was extremely difficult and meant I’d have to pretend I was physically ill to them too. I’m not trying to sound like a victim, I’m just so unbelievably sick of the way people with MH problems, especially those who do everything in their power to help themselves and try very hard not to be a burden on others, are treated. It’s such BS that the stigma against it no longer exists, which some people seem to believe. We’ve barely moved on at all. People just don’t know how to talk about it. It’s either met with pity, awkwardness or disbelief (eg. People thinking you’re being dramatic or you just need to pull yourself together or “we all get depressed” attitudes 🙄). AIBU to feel so angry & resentful about this? To think we all need to try harder to break down this stigma?

If you have a serious illness and tell colleagues it's flaring up then I can guarantee you'll also be met with awkward responses. It's a response to a serious condition, not mental health. It's the same with a cancer diagnosis.

There is still some stigma but, trust me, it is nothing like it was 30 years ago when I started having MH issues.
It seems to be fashionable especially amongst the young to have MH issues these days.

A way to break the stigma is to talk openly about your struggle instead of making up alternative stories. It's not all on you, but you are the only person you can control. Your colleagues may be more understanding than you expect.

I guess if you want people to understand, you need to allow them to understand what's happening.

People often get fed up picking up the slack for others at work and although I'm absolutely not saying that's right, I think it's understandable if they don't know why you are absent.

Problem is, I’m a product of our society too and because I know how people react to it, I also feel a lot of shame and awkwardness talking about it. I’m no better than anyone in society I just described when it comes to my own MH. I’m terrified I’ll drive people away/put them off me/they’ll see me as weak. Although when it comes to others’ MH I do try and make sure I never react in the ways I’ve described other people reacting in. And if someone is brave enough to talk about it I’ll make sure I’m as understanding as possible and try to share my own struggles to help them relate to me. I wish I could be more open but I also don’t want to be seen as one of those depressing people who are TOO open about it. Because let’s face it, depression is depressing, and I have met people who I do admire for their ability to be open about it, but who also lack self-awareness and will talk about it in detail at the slightest opportunity. I know no one wants to hear that! But at the same time I don’t like feeling afraid to even admit I have it and having to lie all the time

I think it sometimes helps to tell people what you’d like from them in terms of support or help, so they have something to work with, rather than just tell them about how you feel, when they don’t have the professional skills to know how to address those feelings, or worry that they’re going to say the wrong thing. There is a difference between physical and mental illness in this regard: you aren’t going to make somebody’s broken shoulder worse by saying something awkward. Most people do respond to knowing what they can do and knowing that you’d welcome their help.

I’d put your ex into a separate bucket on this as it sounds like a fairly challenging relationship between the two of you and that he’d try to point-score or accuse you of being incapable whether your long-term illness was physical or mental.

I’m prejudiced against people with MH issues myself because I know how difficult it is to carry on working when suffering badly. I wouldn’t employ someone with MH problems if I ran my own business. I’ve had about 6 years off sick in total over the past 30 years.

Yes I think it’s definitely true it’s fashionable with younger people these days but I’m not sure the actual realities of it are fashionable. It might be fashionable to put ‘ADHD, depression, anxiety’ on your Instagram bio but not so sure it’s fashionable to announce to all your mates you can’t go out on Saturday night because you’re feeling depressed. This is just a hunch though, I could be wrong

I think people get fed up of picking up the slack at work if it’s more than once or twice, no matter what the reason. If it seems like a permanent issue, people don’t really have anything to say.

I think what particularly sad is the way the stigma is very much apparent in NHS provision. It’s dire and it seems to be acceptable that it’s dire in a way it isn’t with other conditions.

It real isn’t fashionable my dc are deeply ashamed about it, ditto the friends they have that have struggled. They really don’t brag about it and not may people know the full
story.

You say Your colleagues aren’t aware of your mental illness, so you need to start discussing it with them if you want to. I wouldn’t ask a colleague about their illness, mental or otherwise, unless they initiated the conversation.

But I do agree with you that it is still seen by many as a sign of weakness. We’re still a long way from accepting or understanding it.

I understand that and from an employment perspective I may feel the same. I very rarely take time off though, I’ve been in my current job 3 years and only had about 8 days off total due to depression (which I know is still significant but I’ll only take time off in the absolute worst cases). I’d never usually mention it to my employer and haven’t in any other job I’ve been in because I know I’ll be discriminated against. But i decided to let them know this time as I was very close to my manager at the time and she was very understanding.

Sounds like they are really suffering @Str0ganoff so I’m not talking about them. It’s those who roll out their “anxiety” or “mental health” when it suits them to avoid doing things they don’t want to do.

I think that people were more understanding until more people suddenly couldn't do their job because of anxiety. My dgm suffered terribly with depression, her "nerves", so I'm not dismissing mh illnesses exist. I think that certain terms have become over used so people are now less tolerant than ever, which obviously affects the genuine people too.

I don't especially enjoy public speaking, I feel somewhat anxious about it, but I don't have anxiety.

My cat just died, I feel sad but I'm not depressed.

The problem is that some people are describing perfectly normal human emotions as MH conditions so genuine cases are also coming under suspicion, unfortunately. It is very sad that you feel you cant be open with your own family though

And those are usually the ones that think they have depression cos they have the odd down day.

Yep and probably know all the tricks to claim PIP as well.

My family do try. When it’s been very bad in the past they were great with practical and financial support but they just don’t seem to have the emotional skills to handle it, which I don’t necessarily blame on them, I blame it on them being products of our society just like everyone else. Since I was forced to talk to them about it 6-7 years ago when it got so bad I needed practical support, I haven’t spoken to them about it since. And they’ve never asked. I think they quietly hoped it just went away (even though they know that’s not true). Them never asking about it makes me feel that they’re really uncomfortable talking about it, so I don’t mention it

I think it’s the stiff upper lip generation who can’t understand MH issues. My father never forgave me for being such a disappointment and cut me out of his will. He was a nasty bit of work really but it still hurts.

I don’t really know the answer tbh. I have depression (diagnosed as ‘moderate’ by psychiatrist) and terrified to tell anyone at work due to risk of being seen as less competent, don’t want to jeopardise my job.

I also fear people won’t believe me and it doesn’t help when inevitably every discussion we get on mental health someone will bring up people who apparently find it ‘trendy’ / ‘fashionable’ to have a mental health illness. How do you know they’re lying unless you’re a psychiatrist / where do you draw the line

I am very good at masking on ‘good’ days, then other days I can’t do the most basic tasks like eat something or brush my teeth. Yet I still worry that people may accuse me of lying about mental health issues

How would you prefer things to be, OP? How would no stigma about mental health look?

I dont think thats because of stigma. I think the main problem is that “mental health problems” covers such a wide variety of symptoms that it’s so difficult to understand the best use of resources. And it is open to abuse Im afraid because some conditions dont have easily identifiable symptoms.

How do you know they’re definitely lying?

If I suddenly came out and mentioned it tomorrow to my boss they may think I’m one of those people you mention because I’ve been ‘masking’ so well otherwise, (‘well it can’t be that bad if you’ve been turning up to work most of the time’). If I was disclosing depression to someone I would likely pass on mentioning the specific details for eg neglecting hygiene, suicidal thoughts. Hence they may easily think oh this generation are so ridiculous, why doesn’t she just pull herself together

It’s all illness. Try talking about cancer and see the stigma. Mild neuroses are acceptable à la woody Allen films type cute eccentricity.. anything real is too scary for most people.

Personally, I think the issue is that people are worried about the amount of “support” they will be required to give or even just how much they will be expected to listen to. I’m not really talking about close family etc. But colleagues and less close friends. So many people have issues these days that a lot of people don’t have the headspace to deal with others issues on top. So many people talk about the fact they themselves mask their way through their mental health illness, but don’t really think that others might be doing the same as them. There’s a lot of assumptions sometimes that everyone else around is totally healthy (mentally and physically) and it’s only “you” that isn’t. I used to think that as well when I was younger. But have since realised that actually a large majority of adults have a lot of shit going on. Especially these days. So as horrible as it sounds, a lot of people just really don’t have the capacity or energy to listen to others problems.