To think he’d want to at least spend an hour with wife on his birthday?

[PiSqd]

DH and I have been married a year. Before that together 18 months.

He told me from the beginning he didn’t like birthdays and his family never celebrated. So I just did lowkey celebrations for him (after a rather annoyed response to a planned friends dinner for his 30th!).

We had yesterday and today totally free, and he said that after months of overtime at work (him), training for a marathon (him) and illness (me), we’d spend time together. He also said he wanted to spend his birthday just “chilling”. We NEVER get a full weekend together. I’m usually working Saturdays on a 12 hour shift and he does his hobby on Sundays

We agreed to not get each other valentines cards, and he cooked for me last night. But in the day he fell asleep and was playing computer games. tried to do my own thing but felt disconnected and just wanted to do something together.

gave him his birthday presents at midnight and then we went to bed. He was up at 9am to go marathon training (he said he’d not do it today but he ended up going), back around 1:30. I cooked him his lunch and his brother arrived and they’ve been in the living room since about 3:30 playing on PlayStation. I’ve gone in at intervals just to be polite but it’s obvious they don’t want me there. Which is fine, I get it, it’s a boys chilling thing.

Im just upset really because ok, it’s his birthday and he can do what he wants but I feel like I’m just waiting for him to come to bed now (and inevitably initiate sex). I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut as it’s his choices and his birthday but I’m holding back tears.

aibu?

Your marriage is going to fail. I'd look to be separating now.

Way to insult all the many female gamers who are in this site.

Gaming is a hobby just like many other hobbies. DH games, and so does DS. But neither to excess, so an hour here and there and not every day. Gaming is not a problem unless it becomes excessive or impacts anyone else

OP your DH sounds like he is still living the single life. Can’t believe they ordered a takeaway without checking in with you, so rude. And I assume typical of his attitude towards you

Well you know where you are in the man's priorities . You're right it's not about his birthday or even gaming, it's about choosing not to spend time with you. Please don't have children with this man. So what are you going to do about it?

You married him pretty quickly - was he like this before you got married? Did you live together first?

It seems that it’s only a short relationship which isn’t working already

@PiSqdHmm. Not quite sure why you married him. I find this attitude selfish. Yes. It’s his day but he’s excluded his wife. I’m afraid you are not important to him. Sad, but there it is. He’s not moved on mentally to being married. He’s a child.

Do you have any hobbies OP? It sounds as though you just work cook meals and mooch about and want your hobby to be doing more couply things with your husband. He has 2 time consuming hobbies if your relationship is to work you need to have at least one so you aren’t just hanging around waiting for him to play with you.
you both sound incompatible as you don’t communicate and want different things from the relationship. He wants a mum figure with sex benefits. Why has his brother not got his own stuff to do?

So posts recently about lonely marriages where DH doesn’t want to spend time with DW (and sometimes DC too). After only one year I’d acknowledge a mistake and call time on it.

I think this might be a case of ‘marry in haste, repent at leisure’ OP. I’m very sorry.

Draw a line underneath it and start again. Then you can find someone who really loves you and values you.

Yes. Never marry someone with a time consuming selfish hobby. They don’t need a wife. They need a carer.

So many men just want a housekeeper they can have sex with, yet continue life as though they're still single.

Reading your posts it seems clear this is not about his birthday at all - it’s about the fact that your marriage is not working for you and you are lonely and unhappy. Yes, if he wanted to do nothing yesterday, that is one thing - but it seems that you perhaps always tip-toe around his wants and preferences and are too wary of asking for what you want. Perhaps in the knowledge that he won’t care or be motivated to meet you half way. After twelve months this is a serious issue. You are little more than housemates and there is little evidence of a meaningful, loving relationship.

In your shoes I think you have a few options: 1. you talk to him and insist on counselling/working on your marriage; 2. You put up with it and accept this is what you have; or 3. You consider separating/divorce.

You’ve been together less than 3 years, only married for one. I would seriously consider option 3 if he’s not willing to consider 1. Better to walk away now than invest more years in this lonely existence.

I agree. This isn't going to get any better and you just aren't compatible. You need to leave and find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.

If I say anything tonight he’ll say I ruined his birthday

This is the start of a very long, very slippery slope.

He is not fussed about his birthday - but he knows you are.
So you are guessing he would weaponize his birthday as a way to shut you up if you dare criticise him or question his behaviour.

This is training you, using any and every trick of manipulation that he has.
It is the start of abuse.

End it now.

It's 'just another day' that they both had off work which OP says is rare and he didn't want to spend it with her. The birthday is a red herring. I would be upset too.

Oh dear.
Look, I know it's embarrassing to leave your husband after such a short time but the embarrassment will be fleeting compared to the years you're likely to waste on this guy before divorce becomes unavoidable.

YABU
His birthday is the one day that you do not get to make it about your feelings.

It was my friend’s birthday a few months ago and we all stayed at her home.
Her DH popped his head in a couple of times to bring us drinks and because he’d answered the door to the takeaway but then he stayed upstairs out of the way so he didn’t intrude on her girls night.
I didn’t think that was odd at all.

I don’t celebrate birthdays much either but I usually spend the day playing PlayStation and getting a takeaway as that is my idea of fun and it’s one day where I don’t feel guilty for doing so.

I guess your bigger issue here is every day apart from your birthday.
I would speak to him about wanting to spend more of your free time together and his reply and effort will show you whether he wants to be with you or not.

Totally sad to me that anyone would say you are being unreasonable

He sounds compleyely checked out and tbh I would find it so tragic and unattractive a grown man gaming all day when he rarely gets a chance to spend time with his partner

He’s not unreasonable to chill on his birthday.

But he is unreasonable to not spend time with you / connect emotionally and then expect to come up to bed for spicy time. If he’s putting sweet FA spending time with you now, what will he be like further down the track if you have kids and other responsibilities? It sounds like you live life together as flatmates.

Your feelings are very valid and it points to bigger issues than a birthday.

I wouldn’t have sex tonight. I’d say I feel like a kitchen appliance and I am definitely not in the mood. Since your birthday is nothing special and not worth spending any time together or acknowledging even, then the last thing you must want is special birthday sex, goodnight from your meals producer.

and go to sleep. If he brings it up again
’you ruined my birthday!’ ‘What birthday, you either want your birthday celebrated or not and make up your mind. I’m not your sex buddy and I won’t be ignored for your whole birthday because you don’t want to make a big deal if it until you do want sex. Make up your mind, and grow up.

keep an eye on this marriage op. It’s not sounding great.

Most people would have voted on what the OP started her thread about though - her wanting to make a fuss of his birthday after he'd said he didn't...... not what has been said later in the thread.

It sounds like he doesn't really care about you or about spending time together

He doesn't want a wife, he wants a housekeeper who also provides sex.