To think he’d want to at least spend an hour with wife on his birthday?

[PiSqd]

DH and I have been married a year. Before that together 18 months.

He told me from the beginning he didn’t like birthdays and his family never celebrated. So I just did lowkey celebrations for him (after a rather annoyed response to a planned friends dinner for his 30th!).

We had yesterday and today totally free, and he said that after months of overtime at work (him), training for a marathon (him) and illness (me), we’d spend time together. He also said he wanted to spend his birthday just “chilling”. We NEVER get a full weekend together. I’m usually working Saturdays on a 12 hour shift and he does his hobby on Sundays

We agreed to not get each other valentines cards, and he cooked for me last night. But in the day he fell asleep and was playing computer games. tried to do my own thing but felt disconnected and just wanted to do something together.

gave him his birthday presents at midnight and then we went to bed. He was up at 9am to go marathon training (he said he’d not do it today but he ended up going), back around 1:30. I cooked him his lunch and his brother arrived and they’ve been in the living room since about 3:30 playing on PlayStation. I’ve gone in at intervals just to be polite but it’s obvious they don’t want me there. Which is fine, I get it, it’s a boys chilling thing.

Im just upset really because ok, it’s his birthday and he can do what he wants but I feel like I’m just waiting for him to come to bed now (and inevitably initiate sex). I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut as it’s his choices and his birthday but I’m holding back tears.

aibu?

I think you need to discuss this, but what would be good is to give clear examples of what you consider to be quality time together. What would these two days have looked like? Breakfast in bed? Snuggling on the sofa watching a film? Going on a shopping trip? A walk in the park? Lunch out? If you can communicate what you expect then it will be easier for you both to balance your needs when you have time off together.

He got a takeaway and didn't include you?

Did they ask you if you wanted food? If not, he’d be getting it from me with both barrels.

Did they get takeaway and not ask if you wanted anything? That would be incredibly rude.

In my mind the issue isn't his birthday. It's about expectations. You expected a weekend together as a couple. He wasn't training this weekend and you were spending time together. He unilaterally changed the plans. He decided to train all morning and then have his brother over. It would have been nice to be considered. It would have been nice for him to discuss the change of plans with you. Instead it sounds like he's pleased himself without any consideration or discussion and you've been left alone all day firstly waiting for him to come home and them as a 3rd wheel while he played games all day. If he communicated clearly you could have made plans with your weekend off rather than sitting there waiting for him to want your presence and servicing him. I understand how lonely and on the outs you must have felt. You really wasn't considered or consulted at all.

The thing is this doesn't bode well for the longevity of your marriage. This is the honeymoon period and unfortunately as good as it gets.

You seem to have mis matched expectations of how much time to spend together. You want more time with him, he is happy with very low contact time.

Have you talked about how that will get balanced in your relationship?

He spent time with OP yesterday and he cooked her a meal.

He’s got his own food so he’s not expected OP to cook for them.

He sounds boring and rude, and to be honest, OP, I think you might have married a man who isn’t right for you.

You would be happy with your other half ordering take out and not even ask if you want anything after waiting on them all day? Because I fucking wouldn't.

@PiSqd
I think it all sounds a bit miserable and boring...

Can I ask:

What are your birthdays like? Is he happy to celebrate and make a big deal about your birthdays etc.????

Do you have fun / go on adventures in general?

Why did you get married so quickly?

At 2/4 yrs in me and dh were high on life / finding fun in the everyday / surprising each other and exploring various places.
(Now we are still finding fun but its slightly more challenging with a 2 and 3 yo in tow)

He sounds like a pig. They got themselves takeaway and didn’t get you anyway? What a knob. I assume this isn’t out of character and he’s like this all the time? Do you honestly want to spend your life like this??

It’s odd that you feel disconnected this early on but I think you need to have a chat with him about how you want to spend your weekends/ can gain quality time together. I think the two things muddying the waters are Valentine’s Day and his birthday. He did spend time with you on Valentine’s Day and you don’t get to dictate how he spends his birthday. However, it sounds like you feel the problems run deeper than this weekends events. If this weekend is just a one off then I think YABU as it’s his bday not yours. However if he chooses not to prioritise time with you any time your both off then you have a legitimate problem.

If he didn’t ask you if you wanted a takeaway that’s out of order

I haven’t commented on that though. Of course I wouldn’t be happy with that it’s incredibly rude to order in and not offer everyone in the house food. We don’t know yet if take away was offered to OP or not.

They’ve ordered a takeaway without asking if you want one?!

I think it is appalling of both him and hus brother that they ordered a takeaway and didn't ask you for your order.

Did they order a takeaway without including you OP, or did you decline?

I wasn’t asked. He’s text me saying he’ll be up to bed in an hour or so. If I say anything tonight he’ll say I ruined his birthday

That's really shitty, I can't believe he didn't think to ask if you would like anything. Completely selfish and inconsiderate.

He wants to be a single man.

I'm so sorry OP, you're just not compatible. He needs a woman who has no needs, no expectations and is up for sex whenever he feels like it. What do you get from this relationship? Raise your bar - you deserve better than this.

Edited as just read your update and lost all sympathy for him.

So what? Tell him to fuck off and to stay down there for the night and a conversation will be had tomorrow.

I was all set to say YABU until I read your subsequent posts. It’s one thing to not want a fuss on your birthday but another to spend the day ignoring your wife. Did they even ask you if you wanted takeaway too? Beyond rude if not. He’s showing you who he is OP. Let
this be a lesson to anyone else thinking of marriage after just 18 months of
dating.

As I was reading your OP, and the first few replies, I was going to say that I think you need to separate out the 'not celebrating his birthday' with the fact you hardly spend any time together this early in your relationship.

Clearly, YABU about the birthday thing.

He doesn't want to mark his birthday, he wants it treated as any other normal day. He's made that clear. It is different from what you like to do for birthdays, but it is what he is.

Completely separately from that, YANBU to think that a newly married couple would normally be wanting to spend time together. But that comes from both of you. If you knew you had an unusual length of time to do something together, did you suggest anything either? Not 'for his birthday' but 'because you'd not been able to spend much time together recently'.

It seems you were planning a wedding within months of starting dating though ? Did you (both) not think it might be a good idea to get to know each other after the first throes of meeting someone new ?

I think it really strange that he and his brother would order a takeaway without asking what you wanted, but you don't seem particularly perturbed by that. Is that something that happens commonly ? I would be outraged at that.

Side issue - I couldn’t be in a relationship with a gamer.

I wasn’t asked. He’s text me saying he’ll be up to bed in an hour or so. If I say anything tonight he’ll say I ruined his birthday

Well if he did it would be a bit rich from someone who regularly makes a point about not wanting his birthday to be anything special or of note.

What's your life like generally OP? Does he always prefer to spend time with others and not you? Having separate interests is good for a relationship, having separate lives not so much.