Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think he’d want to at least spend an hour with wife on his birthday?

98 replies

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:47

DH and I have been married a year. Before that together 18 months.

He told me from the beginning he didn’t like birthdays and his family never celebrated. So I just did lowkey celebrations for him (after a rather annoyed response to a planned friends dinner for his 30th!).

We had yesterday and today totally free, and he said that after months of overtime at work (him), training for a marathon (him) and illness (me), we’d spend time together. He also said he wanted to spend his birthday just “chilling”. We NEVER get a full weekend together. I’m usually working Saturdays on a 12 hour shift and he does his hobby on Sundays

We agreed to not get each other valentines cards, and he cooked for me last night. But in the day he fell asleep and was playing computer games. tried to do my own thing but felt disconnected and just wanted to do something together.

gave him his birthday presents at midnight and then we went to bed. He was up at 9am to go marathon training (he said he’d not do it today but he ended up going), back around 1:30. I cooked him his lunch and his brother arrived and they’ve been in the living room since about 3:30 playing on PlayStation. I’ve gone in at intervals just to be polite but it’s obvious they don’t want me there. Which is fine, I get it, it’s a boys chilling thing.

Im just upset really because ok, it’s his birthday and he can do what he wants but I feel like I’m just waiting for him to come to bed now (and inevitably initiate sex). I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut as it’s his choices and his birthday but I’m holding back tears.

aibu?

OP posts:

dadtoateen · 15/02/2026 19:49

So you knew all this? As in he doesn’t celebrate birthdays, want fuss etc but you are still upset?

he has done things he has already told you about.

yup, you are being unreasonable

Original poster

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:50

dadtoateen · 15/02/2026 19:49

So you knew all this? As in he doesn’t celebrate birthdays, want fuss etc but you are still upset?

he has done things he has already told you about.

yup, you are being unreasonable

It’s not about fuss, it’s about time together in our house rather than choosing to invite his brother

OP posts:

SweetCamomile2020 · 15/02/2026 19:54

I think you are being unreasonable. He told you he doesn't want to do anything for his birthday, just chill and that's what he has done. I can understand that if you do like celebrating birthdays this feels weird to you but it's what he wanted to do. Hopefully he will spend your birthday doing something nice with you.

Endofyear · 15/02/2026 19:55

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:50

It’s not about fuss, it’s about time together in our house rather than choosing to invite his brother

Show quote history

It's his birthday and he wants to chill and play computer games with his brother - I don't think that's unreasonable. He cooked you a nice meal last night and you could have arranged to do something in the day if there's something you particularly wanted to do. As nothing was arranged, he napped and played games which again, is not unreasonable to want to have a lazy day at the weekend.

You've only been married for a year - I think you need to communicate more clearly with your husband what you would like/what your expectations are for spending time together. If you want to do things together, tell him what you want.

returnedtothegym · 15/02/2026 19:57

I see your point OP.

dadtoateen · 15/02/2026 19:57

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:50

It’s not about fuss, it’s about time together in our house rather than choosing to invite his brother

Show quote history

But to him it’s just another day…

Original poster

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:57

I’m not upset because he’s not wanted a “fuss” for his birthday. I’m upset because we had a free weekend together and he’s decided his chilled day would be with his brother gaming whilst I provided meals! His brother comes around every Saturday im usually working. I just thought this weekend was a chance for us to just be together and honestly to reconnect.

OP posts:

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 15/02/2026 19:58

I get how you are feeling but he is chilling on his birthday.

Had you made plans to do something together? If you had, he was wrong to change them.

Original poster

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:58

dadtoateen · 15/02/2026 19:57

But to him it’s just another day…

Show quote history

I wish I’d changed the title because it’s not about his birthday really. It’s about spending any time together

OP posts:

BauhausOfEliott · 15/02/2026 19:58

He cooked you a meal last night and you had dinner together for Valentine’s Day, so you spent time together then.

He doesn’t celebrate birthdays so why would you expect him to do something special today? It’s just another day to him.

I can’t really see what he’s done wrong, unless there’s a huge amount of back story you’re not telling us.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/02/2026 20:00

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:58

I wish I’d changed the title because it’s not about his birthday really. It’s about spending any time together

Show quote history

But you spent yesterday evening together and he cooked a meal for you.

Did you actually suggest anything to do yesterday and today? Or were you waiting for him to suggest something?

Miranda65 · 15/02/2026 20:00

Listen to him, OP! He hates fuss on his birthday - why can't you respect that? I have spent my last few birthdays on a solo trip away from home, because I detest the fuss, and it means that I can just ignore the whole thing. My husband doesn't mind in tje slightest, because he knows that I'm just doing what I want to do. Your husband's birthday is not about you!

dadtoateen · 15/02/2026 20:01

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:57

So a normal Saturday then, with his brother coming round…

Reconnect? You have only been married a year, if you feel so disconnected after that short space of time maybe you should rethink the whole marriage thingy

Properjob · 15/02/2026 20:01

You've done what he wants on his birthday...he'd better do what you want on yours!! But I fear you are incompatible on this (and he's just a mean arsehole who takes no joy from life).
Make it clear that your 'love language' 🤮means wanting to spend time with your partner and thats what YOU are looking forward to

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/02/2026 20:02

I think yabu

You had a meal last night and he has spent his birthday doing what he wants, which is playing video games with his brother.

Sounds like you wanted different things from today, but since its his birthday, I think its ok he did what he wants

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2026 20:02

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 19:57

He wants to game, do a marathon, hang out with his brother. Not hang out with you.

He wants you to cook for them and shag him though.

There are so so so many men like this.

Lightuptheroom · 15/02/2026 20:05

Sounds like the actual problem is that he had a few days free and knew you were free but just carried on as usual . What age are you ? My ex husband (married late 20's early 30's, both working full time etc) never ever wanted to 'do' anything on the weekends and would disappear to do his hobby or disappear to what would them have been the equivalent of playing on the PlayStation. Sounds like you need to have a conversation about what happens when you've both got time off and what the expectations are, or he'll just carry on as usual

Pineapplewaves · 15/02/2026 20:10

You shouldn’t have mentioned the birthday as it’s distracting people from the real reason for your post.

I think you should have made plans to go out somewhere together on Saturday, not because it was DH’s birthday or because it was Valentine’s Day but because you both had the day off together and nothing to do which is rare for the both of you. Because you didn’t make any plans and were just going to stay at home it wasn’t unreasonable for your DH to invite his brother in. You needed to speak up and suggest that you did something together even if that was a walk in the park and a coffee and cake on the way home.

dotdotdotdash · 15/02/2026 20:11

You are right, this isn’t about his birthday, it’s about your relationship in general. I feel sad for you OP and personally if I were you, I’d take a couple of Saturdays off and attempt to make plans for just the two of you. If he avoids it, carries on gaming, I’d think about walking away. Please don’t get pregnant in the meantime as this relationship does not seem solid to me.

Xerp · 15/02/2026 20:15

I’m sorry OP, but this doesn’t sound like much of a marriage overall. From what you’ve said, you don’t really spend much time together at all, and he carries on like a single man.

Are you having doubts in general?

gamerchick · 15/02/2026 20:18

So he wanted to spend time with you this weekend and has basically ignored you instead? AND he'll be expecting you to service him tonight?

Yeah I know what I'd be saying to him and I wouldn't mince me words.

meganorks · 15/02/2026 20:19

The birthday seems a bit irrelevant here. Because its less about that, and more that he said you'd spend the day together and then has just sacked you off. I don't blame you for being upset. He said you would hang out as you don't usually have a Saturday together. And instead he has just done what he always does. Maybe he forgot to tell his brother the change of plan? But then he also said he wouldn't go training on the Sunday and then did anyway. So it's seeming a lot more like he just isn't that bothered about spending time with you.

I know husbands like this. And honestly, I wouldn't be ok with it. I married my husbnd because they are the person I want to hang out with and vice versa. Of course we have our own friends and do our own thing. But when it comes down to it, we want to do stuff together.

Rainbowdottie · 15/02/2026 20:22

I’ve been married for a very very long time. We decide things together. If both/one of us is able to have a day or a weekend off, we decide together what to do. We plan our weeks and our weekends..either as a couple or individually. My husband has loads of hobbies. We might, in your case, decide to do something on the Saturday together if we’re both off and then he’s free to do whatever on the Sunday, hobby wise. I don’t feel ignored or left out , we had the Saturday together ( I’m taking out birthdays and valentines as you say that’s not the issue)

really that leaves the question why don’t you just plan and communicate more?

Imlyingandthatsthetruth · 15/02/2026 20:33

Yet again I find myself wondering why people get together as couples. So his preference for a free day is to play on the PlayStation with his brother? Is he 12? Yes it's his birthday so he should be able to choose what he prefers to do, which should be to spend time with his partner, no? Sounds like you are a lower priority, OP.

Original poster

PiSqd · 15/02/2026 20:39

It’s just small things, like just now I’ve walked downstairs to get a glass of water and they’re still there playing games with a takeaway. I feel like I’m intruding just being in my home. I’ll make my own dinner and eat upstairs, he’ll likely not come to bed until around 1am. And then I’m up for work at 7. It’s just lonely

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4