To think he’d want to at least spend an hour with wife on his birthday?

[PiSqd]

DH and I have been married a year. Before that together 18 months.

He told me from the beginning he didn’t like birthdays and his family never celebrated. So I just did lowkey celebrations for him (after a rather annoyed response to a planned friends dinner for his 30th!).

We had yesterday and today totally free, and he said that after months of overtime at work (him), training for a marathon (him) and illness (me), we’d spend time together. He also said he wanted to spend his birthday just “chilling”. We NEVER get a full weekend together. I’m usually working Saturdays on a 12 hour shift and he does his hobby on Sundays

We agreed to not get each other valentines cards, and he cooked for me last night. But in the day he fell asleep and was playing computer games. tried to do my own thing but felt disconnected and just wanted to do something together.

gave him his birthday presents at midnight and then we went to bed. He was up at 9am to go marathon training (he said he’d not do it today but he ended up going), back around 1:30. I cooked him his lunch and his brother arrived and they’ve been in the living room since about 3:30 playing on PlayStation. I’ve gone in at intervals just to be polite but it’s obvious they don’t want me there. Which is fine, I get it, it’s a boys chilling thing.

Im just upset really because ok, it’s his birthday and he can do what he wants but I feel like I’m just waiting for him to come to bed now (and inevitably initiate sex). I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut as it’s his choices and his birthday but I’m holding back tears.

aibu?

YABU for the birthday thing, it looks like you're making a conscious effort to go against his wishes not to celebrate it.

YANBU to want to spend some time with him on a weekend when you're both home. I also hope that he celebrates your birthday, you don't have to give in to everything he wants either.
You seem pretty disconnected as a married couple, does this happen often?

It doesn’t matter that it’s his birthday.. it’s never ok to treat you like this! They couldn’t stop gaming for long enough to ask you if you wanted food and then stop to eat it with you.

This is the way he wants to live his life OP. Leave him and let him get on with it.

He cooked for you last night so you DID spend together.
it sounds like you want to spend more time together. Which is ok, but have you ever said this to him? I’m wondering what your communication is like, because I get the feeling you tend to go along with his wishes. It’s obvious you both have different needs. Does he know what you want?

Sorry, OP, I'm another one who voted YABU on the strength of your first post. It was unreasonable to expect him to want something different from what he said he wanted!

... And then it turns out this isn't about birthday (non-) plans. It's about a year-old marriage in which the husband proceeds just as he did when single, doing next to nothing to build your connection or be in 'a couple'. I think some married people do prefer living like FWBs who share a house, but they aren't the majority. You feel lonely. Understandable.

Unless you've forgotten to mention some spectacular redeeming feature of his, it looks like time to review your decision to marry him. If you generally get along well, see if you can have a no-drama conversation about whether it's better to make changes or to split amicably.

But if you're desperate to have children, get the hell out now. This is not the partner you want as a co-parent.

Yes, it's lonely being you.
Does BIL live with you?

In future book a night or two away.
DH is not disciplined enough to consider you for part of every day, nor to thank you, in the way he acts, for the meals etc. you tend to.

Reconsider him as a housemate. You can do better.

I wouldn’t be in this marriage. The long hours gaming would put me off and the lack of you enjoying doing anything at all together. Plus it’s selfish to order a takeaway and not ask all the adults in the house if they want one especially as you hadn’t had dinner. That is very strange. He’s treating you like a flatmate.

I understood this OP. Posters blaming you are obtuse with poor comprehension skills.

It sounds like you two are disconnected. You seem to live separate lives. The fact you both had a very rare weekend free and he didn’t want to spend it with you, must be very painful. He should have been delighted at a chance to hang with you. It should have been a special reconnecting time. Instead, the image of you hanging around hoping he will finish his ‘priority’ stuff and then deign to spend some time with you, is really heartbreaking.

I think you need to consider what this means for your whole relationship. Do you both want to try to get the relationship back? Or is it time to call it a day?

I’d feel as you do OP. This seems a fairly joyless relationship for you and it’s not even like you are years into it.

I spent my birthday playing new game and partner played a different one in another room. We did go out for lunch though and watched a movie together in the evening.

gaming is a good hobby but often solo focussed (or only something you share with people who play same game).

After just a year of marriage it shouldn’t be like this. He’s living like a single man. Are you planning on having kids together?

Just reread your OP and seen you are only married for a year and had not even been dating long before you got married.

Sorry OP, but you need to divorce this man. You should be in the loved up honeymoonish phase after such a short time together. Yet he ignores you, spends his time on himself, then expects you to uncomplainingly open your legs to him at night?! Disgusting. He has no respect for you.

I thought you must have been married a long time and he took you for granted as always being there.

But no! Sorry, if he is treating you like this now, after such a short time, this is just his character and who he is. It will never change.

If you stay with this man it will corrode your soul. And for the love of God, do not have children with this selfish man child.

Get out now. It will be relatively easier and cheaper after such a short marriage and no kids to complicate things. Don’t miss this golden opportunity to avoid a wrecked, wasted life with this man.

Definitely Don have kids with this guy. Leave and find someone who enjoys your company.

Honestly sounds like a sham of a marriage. Only one year in and it’s this horrible? Surely you must know that you are never going to be a long term marriage couple. Seems like you both have complete different ideas of marriage. Did he even want to get married??
its ONLY one year and you are this unhappy, don’t you want better for yourself?

Where’s the communication between you both?

Why have you not said to him that you feel disconnected and that you feel that you both need to put some more effort into your relationship?

I think YABU about the specific day because he does get to choose what to do on his birthday but the birthday is a bit of a red herring. You just don’t sound very compatible unfortunately. And yeah, if he really did get a takeaway for him and his brother without asking you, that’s pretty bad.

I think the worrying thing is that you feel so disconnected and unable to communicate so early in your relationship.

Why did you get married so quickly I wonder?

Also didn’t like what you said about him initiating sex. What would happen if you said no?

From what you have written OP, your relationship sounds disconnected from the little time you spend together. I don’t know about this initiating sex too I hope you don’t have sex if you don’t feel like it. Everything he does would be a big turn-off don’t know how it would get anyone into a romantic mood.

This is not how it should be a year into marriage.

Birthday thing aside, this does not sound like much of a relationship. One year in and you obviously come some way down his priorities. I’d be rethinking this one.

You’d only been together 18 months when you got married. You barely knew him. This is him, what he’s like, what he’s into. You need to have a conversation about it, but ultimately, you either compromise or you walk away.

This is one of those situations which none of us can really answer for you. What seems reasonable to one person is not for another.
It doesn't seem like you are particularly in tune with each other and are not on the same wavelength.
For example my DP and I have mutually agreed not to celebrate Valentines day but we've talked about it and we are both happy with it. Genuinely. He often buys me flowers at other times, just we both think Valentines day is over commercial. So it's fine for us. But there are others who would be devastated if their DP didn't get them something. Similar with birthdays, my last birthday I didn't even see him. I didn't care to celebrate it midweek and we went out at the weekend for a lovely dinner. For me it's just a day and has little significance.

Everyone is different.
You are absolutely reasonable to want to spend time with your DH. I dont really know if you said this out loud or just assumed. I suggest you have a conversation with him another day and say "look, I feel we dont spend much time together and I'd like to do more, what would you like to do together ? " or something like that.
It could be that his interests and yours just dont align, or it could be that he simply doesn't realise how you feel. Maybe he'd be fine if you spent the day in the living room with your pal watching chick flicks. I don't know. But communicate or sadly this marriage wont last.

Yes, this. I’m sorry but there’s no future in this marriage if he’s behaving like this less than 2 years in. Can you imagine what he’ll be like with a child in the mix? Youre already miserable, lonely and worrying about his reaction if you mention your feelings. Get out now and find someone who actually wants to be with you and not just there to cook, clean and fuck him.

And that makes it ok for him to ignore her most of the day and then want sex?! And men wonder why so many women 'go off' sex with them.

Why did you marry someone who does gaming as a grown adult. Massive ick for ne! Yuck!

He’s hugely selfish. The takeaway is bloody rude.

What do you get from this relationship?

It's a short relationship and a short marriage to a selfish, disengaged man. I would have one conversation with him about how lonely and dissatisfied you are and then I'd be off. Life's too short to waste like this.