To be so upset that I have fallen out with my mum?

[Whatsername1]

My mum and I have always been very close. I talk to her all the time, ask her advice, spend time together, she is also very involved in my DC life. The other day my DC had a fall outside, after my mum saying they should be careful. I picked DC up and gave them a hug and said let's be more careful now. I am sure my mum made a face like a raised eye brow as if, I already told you so. I don't know why but I just felt so mad and asked why did she make a face at me? I didn't intend for DC to get hurt. She got really defensive and said she didn't, but that I was being very nasty and cheeky and that I should just go home. We had a bit of a fight about it and it turned very cold. We never fall out. She is my favourite person bar my DC and I hate to think I have hurt her feelings. I text her to apologize and say I must have got it wrong and I'm sorry I thought she made a face at me. I got a thumbs up in reply. I've offered to take her out tomorrow and sent pictures today of DC but no reply. Have I really been horrible and how do I fix it? I feel so awful that I snapped at her, I was out of line but I really felt she was judging me for my DC getting hurt.

I think quite a lot of us have mothers like this. They're happy when you "involve" them and accept their help. It makes then feel inportant. It might well be that she seems very supportive to you; I know mine is extremely supportive to my golden child brother. (They would also describe themselves as best friends.) But it's reliant on him being who she wants him to be. He has moulded himself into the male version of her, accepted all her beliefs wholesale. My mum lost all interest in the rest of her children because we did have boundaries and different views, and weren't prepared to keep the relationship the same once we'd grown up. I do hear the warning bells jangling when I read your posts. It's not a nice realisation that you'll only be accepted if you keep to the role she wants you to keep to.

I had more arguments after my son was born with my mum
It’s because you both care so much

it will pass

A caring, genuinely loving mum would not do this.

Keep that in mind.

And please don't repeat this cycle with your children.

Maybe once or twice when I was young like a teenager? I don't think so though tbh.

Please don't suggest that using silence as a punishment is love

It is abuse

OP I think it’s time for you to start looking at the dynamic between you and your mum and work out what’s healthy and what’s not. There is clearly love there. But there are some red flags in your mum’s behaviour.. And you need to work out how to assert yourself and advocate for yourself and your child as time progresses. Can I ask if you are a people pleaser IRL?

You haven’t answered questions about your partner. It sounds as if you run everything by your mother and that she is an equal parent in your eyes. You sound so reliant on her. She is your mother and presumably much older than you. Do you want to be dancing to her tune and looking after her when she is really old at the expense of your children and their lives? It really isn’t healthy to be so enmeshed with your mother and it is clearly making you so upset. You need some friends of your own age.

Just go round and have a hug. Why do people text and use emojis to replace proper human interaction now?

This. Don't running after her leave it now. Her instructions wouldn't have stopped an incident, they are not specific.

Your mum’s reaction to being challenged is to call you a cheeky bitch? And then to give you the silent treatment when you apologise?
If I were you I’d leave it now. I’d certainly not be apologising again. It’s her that should be apologetic.
She’s been nasty and now she’s being manipulative.
Leave her to it.
She seems quite unpleasant.

Your mum was in the wrong. Kids fall over. She shouldn’t be judging you with her snide expressions in the first place, and you were within your rights to comment on it.

She massively over-reacted, and regardless of the argument afterwards where you were both offensive to each other, she should apologise for her role in causing and escalating it all.

She also has no right to call her adult child “cheeky and nasty” as if you’re a 12 year old back-chatting.

Don’t feel guilty if your mum is upset, that’s her own problem for being offended over nothing.

I asked her this morning why she isn't speaking to me, she said she doesn't have much to say and is hurt. I apologized again, said that I reacted badly because my DC was hurt and I obviously got it wrong and imagined she made a face at me, and that I wish she would just say that to me when I tried to make amends instead of ignoring me. She said she is hurt because I have no reason to think she would do that and that she has told me only recently that she thinks I'm a great mum to my DC. I've really upset her and have done what I can to apologize so I'll need to just ride it out and hope she comes round but she has every right to be hurt I think. I don't agree at all that she is narcissistic or manipulative. I was in the wrong. I just wanted advice how to make amends but I'm going to have to accept that I messed up and hope she is ok. Thanks for all comments ❤️

@Whatsername1 please think about getting some therapy the dynamic between you and your mum sounds incredibly toxic and she is in effect punishing you do something that she ready called you out on and wasn’t serious in the first place

So she has gas lit you? You know what you saw. You’ve said she does it often. She called you names. But you are wrong because you challenged her???????

I really would think about therapy to talk through this relationship. Your mother is not the victim here.

The two of you sound extremely enmeshed OP, and you sound very young. Do you have a healthy, mature adult relationship with your mum usually, do you think?

The sulking /gaslighting etc are emotional abuse. I’d bet this is not the first time either.

Something feels really off here OP. You questioned your mum rolling her eyes at you and she called you a cheeky bitch, told you to go home and is now giving you the silent treatment. You seem devastated and think this is all your fault. From where I’m sat this feels very unhealthy. Are you very young?

You need to stop apologising to her. Sounds like she’s used to walking all over you, judging, making faces etc and you not reacting. Now you have and she doesn’t like it.

Honestly this is her problem and she needs to get over it. You apologising over and over is just making her feel important and like she’s in the right, when she isn’t.

I suspect this might be the start of you noticing a few things about your relationship that you’ve turned a blind eye to thus far.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You only asked why she made a face. She’s called you, a grown-up, cheeky and nasty. I wouldn’t apologise any more than you have done.

Don't worry about it, OP.

My DM lived with us for ten years and I can assure you we definitely had rows, sometimes over parenting and it blew over. We spent a heck of a lot of time together but got on very well for the most of it. It's ok to get irritated by those close to you from time to time!

It sounds a bit like you are both adjusting to your different roles now. She in actually seeing you as a responsible adult and a mother yourself, and her shift to being granny and a change of priorities.

So she gaslit you to make you feel guilty (on top of the years of guilt tripping she's probably done to make you feel responsible for her feelings in the first place) and now just to make sure you never ever do it again, she's going to punish you by being distant.

I hope she never does this to your children. And I hope you don't start doing it to your children in the future - because you've probably unconciously absorbed a lot of her toxic behaviour over the years and you can't seem to see that her behaviour is wrong & your dynamic is incredibly unhealthy. I do feel sorry for your DC.

Regarding being called a “cheeky bitch”, are you/your mum Scottish? That would make a difference to me regarding the “tone” of it. My Glaswegian family often call each other cheeky bitch or bastard. But it’s not meant as harsh as it sounds in England.

Yeah we're Glaswegian. The phrase didn't really bother me TBH it was more the fact she thought I was cheeky at all.

And no I'm definitely not young. I should be able to stand on my own 2 feet better than I do. I have been in therapy for a long time to try and understand my low self esteem. I feel so distraught that I've hurt her.

Is she distraught that she hurt you? Is she sad that you're tying yourself in absolute knots trying to make her feel better? I highly doubt it.