To be so upset that I have fallen out with my mum?

[Whatsername1]

My mum and I have always been very close. I talk to her all the time, ask her advice, spend time together, she is also very involved in my DC life. The other day my DC had a fall outside, after my mum saying they should be careful. I picked DC up and gave them a hug and said let's be more careful now. I am sure my mum made a face like a raised eye brow as if, I already told you so. I don't know why but I just felt so mad and asked why did she make a face at me? I didn't intend for DC to get hurt. She got really defensive and said she didn't, but that I was being very nasty and cheeky and that I should just go home. We had a bit of a fight about it and it turned very cold. We never fall out. She is my favourite person bar my DC and I hate to think I have hurt her feelings. I text her to apologize and say I must have got it wrong and I'm sorry I thought she made a face at me. I got a thumbs up in reply. I've offered to take her out tomorrow and sent pictures today of DC but no reply. Have I really been horrible and how do I fix it? I feel so awful that I snapped at her, I was out of line but I really felt she was judging me for my DC getting hurt.

Hmm
I think all parent/ child relationship dynamics need to shift at some point. Sometimes it happens gradually, other times ( like this) it happens all at once.

She is treating you like a child at a time when she should step back and allow you to find your feet as a parent. It’s not right for her to make faces and judge your parenting. Time for her to step back and not ‘parent your parenting’. It’s unfair of her, and it wouldn’t be right for you to continue to act like a child while trying to parent your children.

Sounds like this shift needed to happen.
It’s nice you guys have a good relationship, but it’s clearly time for it to evolve.
I’d have a chat with her when things calm down, and tell her that you value your relationship, but you need to be able to parent without her judgement

You were rude but we’ve all been rude to our loved ones before and as long as you apologise and don’t make a habit out of it, then it’s ok.

It sounds like you both spend a bit too much time with each other and having a bit of a break isn’t the worst thing in the world.

You’ve apologised and so now leave her to it.

Are you needing her for childcare next week?

It seems then, that you have a good relationship with your mum, but only when you allow her to pull faces at you and your child, outwardly show disapproval towards you and engage in whatever other behaviour she engages in towards you and your child, but which also “doesn’t usually bother” you.

You asked her why she made a face at you, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to say to someone who is making a face at you, especially when you are comforting your injured child.

In response, she called you a bitch in front of your child, told you and your child to leave and is now giving you the silent treatment.

You then apologised to her, when it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong to warrant an apology.

This isn’t great OP. Not only does your mum come across like a very unpleasant person, she also seems very toxic and you seem conditioned by her.

Your mum definitely shouldn't have called you a 'cheeky bitch'. That was really out of order. You seem very enmeshed with her and it sounds as though that this is the first time that you have challenged her authority and she doesn't like it.

I'm not even sure if she is judging, I've certainly never felt that way before, she is always very supportive and I do rely on her for advice around DC. It just felt like a hmm I told you so expression, and it just annoyed me because I already felt bad about DC falling, but I shouldn't have reacted that way. I don't know, all of these comments are just making me feel really sad and I hope our relationship is not the way people are suggesting.

It blew my mind and my heart when I discovered at age 40, who my Mum was and had always been

I didn't know about narcissism back then but I now know that THATS the name for her personality

It took me 4 years to re-learn to love her for who she actually was. And to understand the how and why she became that way

I could never ever speak to her about any of this. No personal responsibility or accountability is possible for a narc

Shes dead now and I truly truly miss her. Despite and a bit because ❤️ Funny eh? But imo very beautiful

…but I shouldn't have reacted that way.

I’d see your point if you had called your mum a cheeky bitch, told her to leave your home and were giving her the silent treatment, despite her reaching out to you to apologise, to make plans with and to try and appease you.

But you only asked her why she made a face at you.

What kind of person stands making a disapproving/critical face at someone who is comforting their young, injured child?

You sound in denial OP. It’s not your reaction you should be focused on. Your reaction was perfectly normal; your mum’s - not so much.

No one is trying to upset you. It’s a painful realisation to come to. But when you identify and name the toxic behaviour, you have a better chance at not passing it onto the next generation .i.e. your own children.

There is a wealth of information and resources online. You could start by googling “mother giving me the silent treatment” and take it from there.

I think your mother is horribly nasty to call you a bitch in front of your child.
And in accident situations using bad language is never going to be helpful or constructive.
I would think this so called Dear mother ought to be the person doing the apologising.

I know for a fact my mother doesn’t love me, but at least she’d never use language like that against me.

So do you always ask her for advice? Is that the main way your relationship works?

When was the last time before this that you challenged her or disagreed with her properly?

The silent treatment is a horrid red flag for me.

Stop apologizing. You said sorry, no need to run after her. You were in high alert mode. You felt judged, she called you a Bitch.
Honestly, Back off & wait till she wants to see DC again….

Hi OP

I'm reading this like your mum has basically got called out for being a cow and isn't happy about it, it doesn't sound like you did much wrong! She told rhe kids they should be careful which is pretty meaningless to be honest (as another PP has pointed out). She then pulled a face, and denied pulling a face do tried to gaslight you about it, then swore at you! None of that (particularly the last two things) is ok. You shouldn't feel bad or apologise for asking why someone is pulling a face at you (unless its really aggressive or you swore etc. Something is telling me that you 'get on so well' as you normally let her get away with shitty behaviour. She is still behaving childishly by ignoring you when it sounds like her behaviour was worse overall. The way you're running around apologising when it's her in the wrong is also making me think that this isn't a normal equal adult relationship

Just trying to reply to many comments in one go. I've never really felt the need to challenge or disagree with her before. I think that is a major problem I have in myself. I don't know what I'm good at or what I should be doing a lot of the time so I tend to seek guidance from others, particularly my mum. She has helped me through some really tough times so I'm not sure I agree with all the comments but possibly you could be right and I'm in denial. I feel so sad that I've hurt her feelings but I really didn't expect it to go this way. I'm 99% sure she pulled a face but there is the 1% I am wrong. I have apologized and feel like I need to send another text to say sorry again just so she'll talk to me or address it?

Look at it this way @Whatsername1

Can you ever imagine calling your DC a cheeky bitch or giving them the silent treatment?

Thats your answer

No probably not unless they really upset me, which makes me think that I must have really hurt her and I want to make it right.

I wouldn’t take the comments too much to heart.

I think people are only saying that your relationship with your Mum seems very much based on the parent / child dynamic and when you have children yourself, this often needs to evolve.

I had a similar dynamic with my DM, we were very very close. However our relationship has not thrived as DM has really struggled to view me as an equal and I no longer want to be the girl/woman who does whatever Mummy says. Dm takes great offence and huffs so the closeness is pretty much gone.

You've apologised and your DM should be able to get over it quickly. Your ‘sin’ was pretty minor all things considered. If she can’t that’s a her problem and a sign that she isn’t ready to have a truly adult relationship with you.

What did you actually say ? Beyond that your DM was being critical

Omg Noooo!
Its completely unacceptable for her to behave like this !
Everything you are saying fits perfectly with a toxic family

Haven't read the whole thread but I am glad that a few PPs have already picked up on toxic and possibly narcissistic mother behaviour and that you've possibly been under the veil of believing you have a solid relationship and that she is your favourite person. I am guessing your DC is still a toddler and this is one of very few occasions you've stood up to her.

This dynamic sounds toxic as fuck.

Your mother does not sound like a nice mother. Her love and support is obviously conditional based on whether you please her or not.

Take this as a much needed opportunity to step back! Put some boundaries in.

She is ignoring you. She does not give a shit about how that behaviour is affecting you and she doesn't care about making you feel better - she is only interested in herself.

Honestly I don't remember saying anything other than why do you need to make a face at me? Do you think I wanted DC to get hurt ? She looked shocked and said I'm being nasty, I said I'm not, you're making a face and she denied it.

Absolutely this
Everything is ok until you challenge and then all hell rains upon you -instant discard.

Sadly I dont think Op gets it

You sound like a people pleaser. I’m guessing she makes her feelings more important than yours. You’ve apologised once. Don’t do it again. Let her sulk like a toddler instead of being an adult.

Me and my sister had a bit of a fall out the other day. She ended up hanging up on me. And we moved on because we do clash sometimes. But we love each other and understand that sometimes life stress gets in the way.

This too will pass, you both reacted to the stress of your child being hurt, you are both only human.

Unfortunately it's a case if you know you know. It is a life changing realisation when this shit happens. I had a very similar fall out. Instant discard and silent treatment going on for nearly 6 years now.

OP I hope you are able to have some real life support in this. You can vent here too.

It can take years to come to the realisation that you're the narc's supply.

Some people never realise it. It's so hard to make that leap and when you've made it, your whole life and belief system comes crashing down until you can rebuild it yourself

For some it's simply not worth it. I can understand that