To be so upset that I have fallen out with my mum?

[Whatsername1]

My mum and I have always been very close. I talk to her all the time, ask her advice, spend time together, she is also very involved in my DC life. The other day my DC had a fall outside, after my mum saying they should be careful. I picked DC up and gave them a hug and said let's be more careful now. I am sure my mum made a face like a raised eye brow as if, I already told you so. I don't know why but I just felt so mad and asked why did she make a face at me? I didn't intend for DC to get hurt. She got really defensive and said she didn't, but that I was being very nasty and cheeky and that I should just go home. We had a bit of a fight about it and it turned very cold. We never fall out. She is my favourite person bar my DC and I hate to think I have hurt her feelings. I text her to apologize and say I must have got it wrong and I'm sorry I thought she made a face at me. I got a thumbs up in reply. I've offered to take her out tomorrow and sent pictures today of DC but no reply. Have I really been horrible and how do I fix it? I feel so awful that I snapped at her, I was out of line but I really felt she was judging me for my DC getting hurt.

Actually for me it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I felt confused and upset every time I saw my sibling
I couldnt work out what I had done wrong
This went on for years

The day I said no was volcanic,literally the most spectacular meltdown ever,the mask slipped catastrophically.

Now I have complete peace in my life and dont need to abandon myself
The difference is I knew all along and just couldnt work it out

I am a massive people please but I have to disagree that she makes her feelings more important than mine. She has been there for me through so much. My take on it is that she feels hurt that I pulled her up on something after all she does for me. Like throwing it in her face or something. I don't know. I really can't believe it has escalated to this. I am devastated that she won't speak to me and that I've hurt her. I really love her.

that she feels hurt that I pulled her up on something after all she does for me

This is the classic toxic parent response Im afraid
Look up FOG
Fear
Obligation
Guilt

It’s fine to pull people up on behaviour. Just because a parent “does so much” for their child doesn’t mean they get a free pass for everything.

It does sound like it blew up over nothing. If you never stand up for yourself she probably has taken it badly but that’s on her not you.

Honestly the ‘all she has done for me’ is a bit of a red flag when speaking about your parents. You can disagree with them and upset them and still be close.
You can’t be perfect all the time because your DM provides childcare.

Interesting ! I found the realisation with Mum so hard. Unbelievably difficult. But looking back, I'm so glad I properly knew her and understood her. So.....all the heartache was worth it 🥰

What?
Being abused was worth it ?

Sorry OP but there is no way on earth a loving, caring parent would call their child a cheeky bitch and tell them to go home. Your Mum sounds toxic and has you tying yourself in knots at the mere THOUGHT you might have hurt her feelings.

It's a really unhealthy dynamic you two have.

I mean this very kindly because I have been through my own very painful realisation about what kind of monster my mother actually is.

Nothing you have done could warrant being called a cheeky bitch and given the silent treatment. Now imagine your own child grown up and this happening - do you think you would ignore them like this?

It is hard but try not to tie yourself up in knots of anguish for now. Focus back on yourself and your DC for now.

Kindly @Whatsername1… you never disagree and the one time you do, she calls you a cheeky bitxh and then ignores you when YOU attempt to apologise?!

Sounds to me you’ve grown up never displeasing your mum… it’s not a healthy dynamic.

Sorry, I should have been clearer.

Facing up to who Mum was, dealing with the fall out, upsetting the status quo, challenging her narc behaviour, upsetting Dad who was her enabler.....etc !

In the end, I can now see that doing all that ^, taking my head out of the sand and understanding who she was..... was worth it

However I can understand why someone might choose to keep their head in the sand as it was a very difficult experience for me

Stop groveling OP. She's trying to make you suffer. Send her a message telling her to get in touch when she's over herself and carry on with your days.

She's being out of order and you're stuck in FOG it looks like.

I really can't believe it has escalated to this. I am devastated that she won't speak to me and that I've hurt her. I really love her.

Devastated? Sorry, OP. This is not normal and every time you post, the more dysfunctional the situation sounds.

Your mum is giving you the silent treatment. That is abuse. The silent treatment is designed to make the target react and feel the way you are. And to put you off every challenging her again.

You are a parent now and you really do owe it to your child to start facing the reality of your relationship with your mum, setting boundaries and modelling strength, resilience and healthy relationships dynamics.

Oh yes Sorry !
Exactly the same here, it wasnt easy but it was like seeing everything clearly for the first time and truly knowing and liking myself

Sibling went hell for leather and lied about me to everyone in my family, no one spoke to me for 2 years.
2 years of therapy and peace , not pleading or remonstrating and gradual realisation dawned on the part of the other family members when sibling used and then dropped them

Having children is often the start when you realise there is nothing that would make you as a parent treat your children how you were treated .

Your mum doesn't sound very nice at all.
She's obviously not used to you sticking up for yourself / your children so she's punishing you now with the silent treatment.

That's not a good mum, op. There is no situation in hell my mum would ignore me, even if I were out of order... I'd apologise and that would be the end of it.

Yes ! Absolutely !

It was an interaction between my Mum and my daughter which first made me go 'hang on, what's all this?'

Never questioned it when it was ME being treated as supply for 40 years 🙄🤣

I think your mum is in the wrong here. You’ve apologised and she’s done a passive aggressive (at best) thumbs up. I’d be waiting for her to make the next move personally, not be banging on her door with flowers!

Not knowing what you are good at or what to do for the best often comes from having a domineering parent. You tend to wait for guidance because ‘they know best’. If you do something outside their instruction (like when your LO fell) then you get the ‘told you so’ attitude.

I’m sure you love your mum, and I’m sure she loves you. That doesn’t mean that you have a well balanced adult relationship. As an adult and a mum yourself, you can choose to do things differently from your mum’s advice. Sometimes it will work well, sometimes it won’t. That’s ok. You are allowed to make different- even less successful- choices.

There is a real power imbalance in the relationship. Your mum expects to say, do and judge as she pleases without challenge. But you are expected to toe the line and if you say anything critical to her she will punish you.

Look at the scenario:
She pulled a face to say "I told you so" while you were comforting a hurt child.
You snapped at her and asked why she pulled the face, which isn't nice but rather than saying sorry or explaining, she immediately accused you of being "nasty", escalating the situation.
Then called you a cheeky bitch (rude and unpleasant) and told you to go home (rude and patronising).
You apologised and sent photos to make amends.
She's giving you the silent treatment.
You're upset because you love her and feel bad about hurting her.
She meanwhile is having no such concerns about you. She's too busy continuing to punish you.
Even though her behaviour was much worse.
Why can't you see that?

(I have a similar mum by the way. )

She sounds a bit narcissistic to me - she likes you to be very dependent on her and has probably made you that way, ditto being a people pleaser. You always get on very well a long as you are saying all the right, positive things. The minute you pull her up on something you are the worst of the worst and she will punish you by blanking you until you beg her forgiveness - then she will punish you a bit more until you know your place.

How are you doing @Whatsername1 ?

I feel really sad, I just keep crying and don't know what to do. I can't go back and undo what was said but I've tried to make amends and she is not interested. I hate that I've hurt her feelings. I sent pictures into our family group chat this evening of my DC at a farm park today and no replies. I caved and text her goodnight and got the same in return but nothing more.

This sounds so much like my relationship with my Mum. Your Mum sounds like she was significantly more in the wrong than you were and yet you’re the one apologising and feeling guilty. I’d take a step back, for me doing so has made me a much happier person.

OP has she called you a cheeky bitch (or similar) before?

You sound so despondent, and your posts suggest this isn't a hugely new dynamic between you both.

Oh my. I can absolutely and totally understand your pain. I was you. Truly. It took me many many years to see the light and all I ever wanted (before the seeing of the light) was to make sure Mum was happy and not to step out of line

What does your partner say?