Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

[NickyKat]

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

😂😂😂

I've seen him dressing up for years ( he collected his OBE in a skirt and blazer and hat) but Ive never seen the prosthetic penis thing. That's horrible and to do that at a fund raiser for childhood cancer is really weird.

Or the OP is a man who likes wearing women’s underwear and was hoping for stories

Op not sure how you even had the stomach to have a meal with him! I would be repulsed and it’s a dealbreaker. He likes the material? Does he think you’re an idiot? He couldn’t wear a T-shirt with similar material or a shirt. Gross.

How stupid does he think you are? More comfortable! Is he sitting there watching telly wearing his m&s ladies knickers and thinking ooh I'm comfy? And not washing them?

I'd be more furious he wasted 6 years of your life and your extended family/ friends by keeping a secret like this. And you either tell them for support or keep his secret for him and lie to all about why you left, why things are a bit off between you.

It is pretty obvious that it's not what I am saying. Try again

For me it would be that’s he’s been hiding them and hasn’t been honest. Why didn’t he just say days/weeks/months/years ago that they were more comfortable?
That beggars the question though, how did he initially come to find out that women’s knickers were more comfortable?!
It seems obvious that it’s his kink. I’d be pretty upset about the lying.

I don't think it's necessarily a trans thing (as in I don't think he identifies as a woman and this will then escalate to him starting to wear women's clothes, presenting as female etc). Some men have a fetish of wearing women's underwear and will do it in secret. It sounds like that's what this man is doing.

Personally I couldn't put up with it as it is the secrecy aspect of it which would bother me. It would make me wonder what other secrets he had and I wouldn't feel like I could trust him.

If he prefers briefs, why not buy men’s briefs? My dh wears men’s briefs, says they feel far more comfortable and supportive than boxers. Men’s underwear is built to accommodate men’s anatomy and to be honest looks better made than women’s underwear

My FIL has a thing about wearing women’s underwear. I only know this because his wife told me. We are all estranged (nothing to do with the underwear) but they are still married and whilst I was surprised, I don’t understand the revulsion.
He had lost his mother when he was a little boy and I seem to recall this was not a “kink” but something that made him feel calm, apparently.
i don’t know how I’d feel if it was my partner but equally, they are just clothes.

Before I opened this thread I made a bet with myself that this would be "one post and done" by the op.
Then I bet myself this would be the only post ever made by the op.

I won.

Now im going to bet that all the replies are feeding someone's fetish..

My first husband had a couple of kinks when we were together. I didn't like it and by the time we had a baby and a toddler I was completely over it, but I tried to accommodate it to keep him happy . He left me for a 17 year old. After their divorce it came out that he had added multiple more kinks during their marriage. His final girlfriend was in a new relationship with him when he died and , from his online purchase history and belongings ( which my adult sons had to deal with as his executors after his suicide) the kinks were fairly extreme. I dare say it starts with pants and , if you stay/ accept it/ embrace it , it grows.

He had lost his mother when he was a little boy and I seem to recall this was not a “kink” but something that made him feel calm, apparently

That's still a kink. All kinks have psychological reasons behind them. All human behaviour does in fact.

Some have commented to say he's clearly not wearing them as they've not been through the laundry. But maybe he has been wearing them but just not washing them! Would make sense if he's been trying to hide this part of his life.

I'm interested in the circumstances of the 'discovery'. Clearly he wasn't making much effort to hide them given you obviously go in that drawer because you do his washing or whatever, its not a highly private space. So it's possible you haven't discovered them as much as he's introduced them. After 6 years, either because it's 'new' and has escalated from fantasy to reality, or because he's always done it and now wants to escalate it to a shared experience.
Either way, if he's being open enough about this he's let you in, then he does need to talk.
I'd start by asking him if it's so private he can't discuss it, why he allowed it to be discovered. Be as open minded and as calm as you can, because the important thing is you know what you're dealing with and if you act shocked and horrified he'll clam up and fob you off (as he has so far). You need the truth to decide if its tolerable.

Back in the day Rod Stewart (old rock singer) said he liked to wear his gfs underwear as there were no lines under his trousers. Much joking in the red tops. Note his girlfriend's were always glamorous so of course he got a pass for it because that's Rod!! Aren't there some new men's pants that are super silky microfibre (may have magnets in as well). Or he might just like walking about in women's underwear. Time for a talk.

The worst thing for me is that he is standing grinning with his codpiece in front of a poster about a children's cancer charity (with a childs face on it)
Revolting.

I’m kinda curious why it’s taken you 6yr to notice a collection of knickers in his boxer drawer.

A comforter made out of one of his mothers dresses is an appropriate soother. Wearing women's pants because your mum died when you were young us a fetish

It is indeed egregiously inappropriate. I'm struggling to imagine the thought process there, but I imagine it must go along the lines of realising it's inappropriate (because how could he not?), but deciding to do it anyway because his erotic charge trumps both a) other people's awkwardness and discomfort at the situation and b) the importance of what people think of him. He obviously pretty confident he can get away with it.

Oh do fuck off with this shit!! Jesus! 🤢

Thanks all. I'm going to try talk to him later today, I just need to try get my head around it still.

But to answer some of the questions that have been raised:

We've lived together nearly 2 years. We both do the laundry (washing and putting away). They are definitely washed and have had the same fabric softener used on them. My guess is he puts them in when he's doing a wash and I'm doing something else. It's not something I've really thought about or that we've discussed but thinking about it when he puts washing in he also does the drying and sorting for that load.

Anyway, that's me going off in a slight tangent! As to why I haven't found them until now? We've both been really busy these last couple of weeks with family health issues etc so we're behind on housework. His boxers were getting low so when I was putting clothes away I actually saw a small bow which is what piqued my interest to see what it was. They're normally covered by more pairs of his boxers.

How did he find out he likes the feel? Well we've worn each others boxers/knickers at different times so I guess from that. Although it's certainly not frequently. We were away once for a long weekend but he'd not brought enough - I always bring extra (especially when I'm due on) and threw him a pair of mine to put on. I honestly never thought anything of it - but now my mind is running all over again!

Is it sexual or a fetish? I don't know. I intend to find out. I guess I'm worried that if I tell him it's ok then he just stops and I'll never know what it was about.

I'm not sure comparing him to that Grayson guy is realistic though. It seems a bit of an extreme jump and as others have said, perhaps it's reactions like this which have made him scared to tell me.

Is it a deal-breaker? I don't know yet. I'm going to try talk to him this afternoon. So many questions still but I currently think he's telling the truth about the feeling. I've heard other men say they don't like to wear loose boxers because "it all swings about down there".

Oh, I don't bloody know anymore! Wish me luck.

Well if you're a lesbian, then you wouldn't have a clue what it's like to be attracted to a man and then find that he wears women's knickers, would you? The people you fancy already wear women's knickers, so no wonder it doesn't seem like a big deal to you!

I'm all for people in general doing what they want and having kinks. But not my life partner. It must be something to do with reproduction, because I can't describe the second-hand recoilment (new word!) that I feel on reading about this. I think such a strong disgust response must be rooted in biology. We're designed not to waste our fertile years on men who are feminine, since that implies he won't roger us senseless until we're pregnant and then go out and wrestle woolly mammoths and still have the energy to leap out of bed and defend us from a prowler in the night.

Hey, I don't make the rules of nature. Don't come for me!

Aren't there some new men's pants that are super silky microfibre (may have magnets in as well).

Well magnetic underpants were not on my list of “things to be discovered today”. Perhaps one for the physics fetishists.

Because you're a woman. Women with 'kinks' are far less common and they're far, far less likely to coerce their male partner into accepting and participating in their kink.