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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Literally does not care

104 replies

Myfannyhurtsagain · 15/02/2026 00:24

I need to write this in here cos I need to know if I’m going mad or not.

Me and DP use dildos sometimes along with other toys, we haven’t in a while cos they make me spot and I get so sore. We found one the other day tucked away in the cupboard well, I found it and I thought I’d use it to surprise him with. I did that and he loved it. Problem is it gave me the worst thrush I’ve ever had in my life , on top of that I’m on the pill so I suffer with dryness and I used no lube so now I’ve also got friction burns.

DP wanted me to do the same thing tonight. Despite me telling him earlier before we used it again I need to get lube, he said ok. I’ve also got one more treatment left to use up to get rid of this thrush. He’s now forgotten what he said and that he never agreed with me that we needed to use lube.

apparently I always use excuses all the time and other women would just do it? I’m sorry but I can’t even open my legs properly im so fucking sore and uncomfortable. I only used it for him in the first place anyway cos I knew he liked it🤣 and also on the pill for him cos he refuses to wear condoms and refuses to get the snip.

is this normal behaviour ? Do I need to just suck it up and stop being a drama queen ? He’s now sleeping downstairs refusing to speak to me cos his needs aren’t met 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wish I could meet his needs but my fanny is fucking sore , it stings so bad when I wee. I’ll be going back to the gp on Monday cos it hasn’t even cleared up!

OP posts:
Alpacajigsaw · 15/02/2026 09:20

Ugh even if I didn’t have thrush there’s not enough lube on the planet that would stop my fanny being dryer than the Sahara in the vicinity of this unappealing specimen. I’d dump his sorry arse, preferably with the dildo shoved up it sideways.

Poorabbeywalsh2 · 15/02/2026 09:27

OP. You do need to find inner strength against this beast. It's time to take control now. If you question obvious abuse, something is very wrong. He needs to have a vasectomy or else get lost and you need to be very very clear that this is your vagina and not his to mistreat as he pleases. He sounds abhorrent. Please ask yourself whether you'd be happier without him, there are support services that can help you detach from a controlling and abusive relationship. Please consider your future and be strong. When he sees that you are serious, I hope he regains more respect for you. Xxx

Evaka · 15/02/2026 09:42

What have I just read? He sounds like a sex offender.

GCAcademic · 15/02/2026 09:54

Sorry, but why are you choosing to be in a relationship with an abusive pig who doesn't give a shit about your health and thinks his sexual wants (they are not "needs") trump everything?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/02/2026 10:03

OP It's really concerning that you need to ask if this is normal and if you need to suck it up.

He doesn't care about your pain and discomfort. He wants you to do something that he knows will hurt you. He is using sulking as a way to try and emotionally manipulate you into having sex you don't want.

Normal decent people see sex as something for mutual pleasure and even if they'd already started, would stop if they knew it was hurting their partner. Normal decent people wouldn't ask to keep doing something they they knew gave their partner health problems. Normal decent people wouldn't sulk if their partner said no, even if they felt a bit rejected. Normal decent people care about their partners needs as well as their own. And Normal decent people don't compare you to other women as a way of coercing you into doing something (I'd expect the 'well other people would let me...' argument to stop in mid teens)

Do yourself a favour and get rid

ShawnaMacallister · 15/02/2026 10:05

Are you really asking if it's acceptable for your partner to sulk and punish you because you don't want to do something sexually because you're in pain? Can you look at this objectively and see what it says about him as a person?

Shoxfordian · 15/02/2026 10:09

He is treating you like a broken sex doll, not a real person - any half decent man would actually want you to feel better and care about you, not demand sex and sulk

I really hope you break up with him

ProfessionalComplex · 15/02/2026 10:11

What? No, this is not normal! Other women do not suck it up, we give our vaginas time to heal 🤨 he's mental.

devongirl12 · 15/02/2026 10:31

Jesus, that was a depressing read.

wtf are you with him?

Get rid and move on ffs.

Never ceases to amaze me what some women are prepared to put up with.

Intrigued20 · 15/02/2026 10:43

Reading this has turned my stomach. How dare he. Fucking arsehole.
I’m so angry for you.

Haffiana · 15/02/2026 10:47

Myfannyhurtsagain · 15/02/2026 00:29

I’ve told him he needs to realise vaginas aren’t just sexual objects. You can’t just stick anything in them without thinking nothing will happen. But that’s his problem, he just thinks it’s used for sexual purposes

Show quote history

It isn't 'his problem', it is your problem. He hasn't got a problem because he is doing exactly what he wants and loving it. Do not expect him to solve your problem for you. This is a man who enjoys hurting you.

You are asking your abuser to stop abusing you and putting the solution for your situation on the one person who doesn't give a shit about your situation and -please understand this - LIKES the way he is treating you. He enjoys hurting you.

It isn't a mistake, he won't magically see the error of his ways if you explain it to him properly, he is getting off on it and will carry on doing so. He enjoys hurting you.

No-one here will help you to explain to your partner why he should stop doing what he is doing. No-one here will help you to stay with your abuser. He enjoys hurting you. We CAN and will help you to see what is happening and to find the strength to walk away from it.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/02/2026 10:47

Suggest you change it up and use it on him.

TinyTempest · 15/02/2026 10:50

is this normal behaviour ? Do I need to just suck it up and stop being a drama queen ?

Think I've just detached a retina reading this 🙄🙄

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/02/2026 10:50

Seriously I suggest you tell him it would really turn you on to let you put it inside him. Other men would be up for it - what’s wrong with him? He’s so boring and clearly doesn’t love you otherwise he would do it regardless of whether it hurt.

gamerchick · 15/02/2026 10:52

2 issues I think. One of which your husband is sexually abusive.

Dildos can do that, you're supposed to use the cleaning solution but putting a condom on one can stop the thrush thing.

But that's not your main problem though, is it?

holdtheline11 · 15/02/2026 10:53

Unbelievable how selfish and uncaring. Of course YANBU! Give him hell honestly! Raant at him for an hour or two (it's been one of the only ways to get DH to get stuff, really, it's effective) then give him the cold shoulder until he gets it and properly apologises.

Bikergran · 15/02/2026 10:54

@Myfannyhurtsagain I agree with other posters he's a POS. However, in case you do decide ever to have sex with him again, he also needs to be treated for thrush. When I had it so badly I went to our local STD clinic in desperation, they gave me Canesten oral tablets and , obe tablet every week for 6 weeks, plus Canesten pessary to use fortnightly for 6 weeks, said once it's really bad, it takes more than a obe-off dose. Also gave partner 3 doses of oral Canesten at weekly intervals plus Canesten cream to use on his dick ond all round the genital area. Also wash all your sex toys thoroughly with specific sex toy cleaner, and make sure DP is clean, including freshly washed hands, before sex.

District66 · 15/02/2026 10:55

He is awful on the one hand. I want you to leave him for your sake but on the other hand I don’t want him released back into the wild for everybody else’s sake.

gamerchick · 15/02/2026 10:56

Go to the supermarket today and get the pessery, you don't need to visit the GP but personally going to the GUM clinic might be better to check it's actually thrush. He might have hurt you internally.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2026 11:03

Op you need SERIOUS help.

what has been your past experience that you even have to check if this is ok?

this is very sad and concerning.

to clarify - op, no this is not normal. He is vile.

the worry is why you aren’t able to see this and have left him so so long ago.

im a person with healthy boundaries op. No person would ever speak to me like that and expect to ever see again.

please find the strength to leave this horror.

and going forward, please research and speak to friends/family (if available) to understand that this isn’t normal at all.

Theseventhmagpie · 15/02/2026 11:06

This reply has been deleted

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This. I simply cannot understand why any woman would put up with this. OP is being treated like a piece of meat.WTH OP? Bin this piece of human garbage and move on.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2026 11:07

And just so you know op, the 2% Yabu aren’t because yes, you should be prepared to be in agony for your man; but Yabu to still be in a relationship with this man. Because. It’s absurd to be in a relationship with someone who hurts you. Is it all you know?

Theseventhmagpie · 15/02/2026 11:10

And OP- show him this thread.

Brightbluesomething · 15/02/2026 11:39

Jeez. I educated my teenage DS on consent and coercive control to make sure that no woman had to put up with this kind of shit from him. Thankfully he’s a kind and decent young man.

Your partner is god awful. Run for the hills now. He literally sees you as a piece of meat who only exists for his pleasure.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/02/2026 11:39

Leave him.

He doesn’t care about you. At all. He literally just wants to perform for him and he just sees you as an object. No decent man tries to coerce a woman into doing something that hurts them.

If you need lube, experience spotting and get friction burns, I’m guessing we’re talking about massively oversized sex toys here, right? He’s got a fetish for making you try bigger and bigger ones, I’m guessing.

All of which would be fine if you were into it and it didn’t harm you. But you aren’t into it and it does harm you, so he is an absolute abusive piece of shit for trying to coerce you into it. He’s a fundamentally horrible, abusive man. Of course it’s not ‘normal’ for a man to try to coerce his partner into a sex act that harms her. He’s a horrible selfish bastard.