For kicking my son out!

[crazycookies]

DS 17 has been getting into a lot of trouble recently. Drinking, drugs, the works. Last week he got into a fight with MY bsf's son am i being unreasonable for making him go and stay with his dad?

ever since me and ex H split up 5 years ago DS has been acting out and i try to give him everything but he just pushes me away further. He's rude unhelpful around the house ignores his curfew and is sometimes violent towards his half-sibilings. At christmas he got many beautiful presents but refused to eat with the family and left to drink with his friends. Last night was the final straw. He claims he was being provoked but bfs's DS had to go to A&E after the incident.

i want him to go and stay with his dad to cool off as i am worried about the safety of my younger children.

AIBU?

No. Sorry no. I know lots of people who's parents split up and they didn't beat people up. When I was 17 my mum died I didn't beat people up.

He's a bully op. And quite rightly, you've stood up to him. I would tell him that unless he behaves he can't visit your home. He knows the rules but I would write them down. Tell him if he becomes violent again, you will call the police and that as he is now virtually an adult he needs to act like one and accept the consequences if he does not.

What were the circumstances around the split? How was it handled with your DS at the time ?

I don't think this is a simple as people are making out.
Many children suffer extremely from divorce. Even more so from having a step parent, even more so from having to put up with step siblings. People always act like the kids needs to just suck it up and deal with it. What people should be doing is waiting until their kids are older to introduce new partners.

I can't help but think making him leave is only going to make him feel worse.

Well you've completely failed him and now kicked him out 👌 awesome enjoy the low contact

Helpful.🙄

If his dad is a good influence, I don't think it's a bad idea to send him there to see if it helps with his behaviour.
He has violent tendencies, and if he can't control them he could end up seriously hurting someone.

If you are determined, I agree with others, than encouraging your friend to report him to the police may be the jolt he needs.

At 17 and behaving like this, he needs to go to his dad’s and he needs reporting to the police for his dangerous behaviour.

I don’t believe that because someone’s parents split up a few years ago, they should be offered sympathy for this behaviour. Behaviour is a choice and the OP’s DS made a very poor choice and needs appropriate consequences.

It's fine to struggle with parents divorcing.

It's not fine for the adult sized 17yr old to be violent to his half siblings.

As OP left her ex 5yrs ago, the half siblings can only be like, 4yrs old and younger, and they're being violently attacked.

How has she failed him? She's tried, hes violent and she has younger children to consider. Actions have consequences, if the other person is requiring stitches hes potentially looking at ABH rather than assualt.

That's nasty and unhelpful. Sounds like he turned to drink & drugs to cope after a distressing divorce and they messed him up big time. That's the problem to solve alongside the court case - if he faces a GBH charge it'll be deserved and he needs to face it, but I feel bad for you and for all involved. Drink/drugs are the devil & can ruin people.

He is not a man, we should be very careful when rounding up or down ages, in the eyes of the law he is a child. I am not condoning his behaviour, he has clearly been negatively impact by the divorce of his parents.

How much violence would you put up with in your home? How many trips to A&E?

OP, I feel for you and agree that maybe some time with his dad might de-escalate things

I could not do that to my son. He is your child - and he is still a child. He needs you. Your relationship with him will only get worse if you do this and he may go even further off the rails.

I presume bsf means best friend here.

Which sounds like you are more worried about your friends thoughts on this rather than the actions that led your son here.

Kids rarely change so drastically in such a short space of time. Something has triggered it.

Separately violence is never ok and there should be consequences.

But it will happen again if the reason for the change isnt addressed.

He is 17, he is still a kid.

I can’t believe how judgemental people are being. It sounds like the situation has reached crisis point. Lots of people have divorced parents. My mum had an affair when I was 15, left my dad and moved us in with the new guy. It was pretty shit, but I didn’t go around assaulting people and being a massive knob. And it’s not like she’s put him out on the street. He’s gone to like with his other parent. Maybe this will be a good thing and a bit of time with his dad will help. Sounds like the OP has tried, now it’s time for dad to step up and help.

I think he’s too young to be kicked out - ask your ex-partner to take him in for a while to give you a break - but throwing him out and changing the keys etc is drastic (but it’s not clear if this is what you plan to do) and, speaking from experience, the result could mean that the relationship won’t ever improve.

Have you considered your role in his behaviours?

There always seem to be multiple younger children in these scenarios and can’t help but hope the op adjusts her parenting so multiple troubled young men aren’t unleashed on the rest of us.

He has been acting out since he was 12. What have yourself and his father done so far to address it, apart from "trying to give him everything". Has there been any professional help? He has reached crisis point now. You need outside help. Family therapy would be a good start. You are both still responsible for him. Running out the clock at his father's until he turns 18 isn't an option.

If there's a safe way to separate him from the people he's been violent toward (I'm not sure if "bfs's son" lives with you, but assume that your son's half siblings/your younger children do) then I would do that now, for the safety of the targets. I would not phrase it as throwing him out or giving up on him and I wouldn't say he can never come back; treat it as an emergency measure while the root problems get examined and dealt with. He's not less important than the other children, but it sounds like right now he is a threat to them and they are not a threat to him. Would his dad take an active role in getting him help?

People and children react to things differently when presented with the same situation. That's why we can all have different responses to the same thing like parents splitting up. The difference in our reaction to things is shaped by all sorts of things like age, sex and previous trauma.

Unfortunately it's a bit late to start putting his needs first . Divorce is terrible for teens and I really feel for him. He's lost his family, his identity, his security and both parents in effect. Now he's lost himself. Is there any level on which you two still connect?