I really don't like my mother

[Onlyatnoon]

She's not a nice person. She has no friends, and she's fallen out with all the family. She says racist things, she's horribly judgemental about other women and their looks, has extreme views on conspiracy theories.

Basically if I met her, I'd give her a very wide berth. We have nothing in common.

She was also very cruel when I was growing up, I've needed a lot of therapy to overcome the low self worth she installed in me.

Now she's getting older, I've noticed a change in her attitude with me. I can't help but feel manipulated - like she's only being 'nicer' because she realises she may need more help soon.

What would you do, keep your distance, or forgive and help more?

Gosh sounds like my mum. She’s AWFUL but also in her 80s and getting frail and wanting me to look after her.
She was a good mum for my early childhood then took up with a not so nice man when I was a teen.
Anyway, I really don’t like her as a person but she’s love bombing me and the kids (then shouting at me for not doing exact what she wants the same day!) and doing the “poor me,all I wanted was my daughter to take me to the doctors etc etc” then she gives me money!
I just laugh at her now when she has her tantrums and take the cash 🤣

Be nice if we could put all these opinionated old boots in a room together and watch them with each other!

Some people are alone for a reason

Sounds like my mum, always preferred my older sister and still does, is negative and nasty towards me unless she needs something from me.
on the flip side she is incredibly loving and kind to my children which pulls me!
I have a sense of obligation towards her as she’s my mother but at the same time I don’t particularly like her.
It’s not an easy position to be in so I can totally sympathise, it’s easy for those not in this situation to comment.

What would you do, keep your distance, or forgive and help more? There is a third option.

I would forgive her, for your own sake, because it will help you more if you release the negative energy you feel about her. I expect her own upbringing and life experiences probably shaped her character and for whatever reason, she didn’t have the strength or the self awareness to make the changes she needed to. All very sad because she could be having a wonderful relationship with you right now, and she’s fucked it to the point you wouldn’t go near her if you weren’t related. She’s a very foolish woman.

And I would walk a million miles away from her. This feeling of obligation you have is nothing to do with her. It’s the guilt you’ve placed on yourself. And if she’d been any sort of mum to you, I very much doubt you’d be feeling it. That guilt is not your load to carry because you have done nothing wrong.

So my advice is to let it go. All of it. Her, the guilt, the obligation. The lot. We have a state pension. We have adult Social Services. She will never be homeless or starving.

Respect and love is not a given, it is earned. Low contact is a good way of dealing with your DM.

Just to add a different perspective ....
I had a family member, now dead, who was also a really horrible person. Several people asked me why I visited them as they aged. I had made the decision to do the decent thing by them as I might regret ignoring them after their death.
The way it worked out, they did gradually change their attitude a bit and I had some better interactions with them.
In retrospect I definitely don't regret what I did. It means I can think of myself as a better person.
It would not have given me any satisfaction to ignore them in need. Plus other family members did in fact do the ignoring bit. I felt I made a better choice and I have nothing to regret.

I had a wonderful mum and would have done anything for her. I miss her very much. I am so sorry you have a bad one. She reaps what she sowed. I think you are a better person than I am to even still be in touch now. You owe her nothing. Good luck OP.

No. Keep your distance for your own mental health.

We always want to get comfort and love from our mothers even when they are unable to give it. Please do not feel obligated to be there for her and look after her - I guarantee she will take advantage. She will probably also try emotional blackmail, so be prepared for that.

Your gut is telling you the truth - trust it.

Protect your own mental health