To fuck off out for the day when MIL visits tomorrow

[Myeyeisnotokay]

Instead of playing happy families and pretending everything is ok with me and DH?

Apologies as this is a bit of a vent, and I'm still mad so I may sound unreasonable. We've argued tonight, over a stupid thing but DH is refusing to apologise or even engage in a discussion about it. He feels he is justified.
He ended up effing and blinding at the table because Dd4 and Dd6 only picked the sausages out of their casserole and didn't eat any veg.
It's a battle but they DO eat veg - eg they both love broccoli, cauliflower, peas, etc and will generally eat quite well. Won't say they haven't been particularly picky lately and refusing to even try things, which is irritating. But I'm much of the view that we can't force them to eat stuff and threatening them with no pudding unless they clear their plate is just not a healthy way to encourage them.

I specifically told DH not to make comments when I dished up tea today, because inevitably he picks at them and tells them they need to eat a bit of this with that, and have some veg with that bit etc and it's so draining . We can't just have a nice meal. It's just anxiety inducing for the kids I'm sure. he just couldn't help it and kept on and on at the girls until I snapped at him and he was then swearing (mainly at the situation eg. It's fucking ridiculous).

I've told him he needs to apologise to both me and the kids for the way he spoke. He's given a half arsed "maybe I overreacted a bit" but maintains he was justified because their eating habits need to change and apparently I'm too soft (which fucks me off too, as I am not! They don't get alternatives and I'm happy to let them go hungry if they don't eat, and have made lots of suggestion like meals in the centre of the table etc)

I'm livid with him. I realise this all sounds quite petty but it's just one of a string of stupid arguments lately and most of the time we resolve things, but seemingly he doesn't want to this time. I'm not willing to play happy families until he has a proper conversation with me and actually acknowledges why I'm upset with him.

MIL is visiting tomorrow and not a fucking chance am I going to pretend we're all fine so he comes off like he's the perfect husband and father like usual, so I plan to fuck off out. But I fear I'm also unreasonable, as we don't see her often.

Finally, if anybody has any useful tips on how to get little kids to eat a wider range of veggies, PLEASE throw them at me. I am open to new strategies but I won't force food on them!

Hmmph.

Whatever anyones opinion on what/how your DC eat ,your DH causing tension at mealtimes pretty much guarantees that it will make them less likely to eat well

Nah I think if they usually eat ok, then it's not an issue.

The bit where you said he tells them to "eat a bit of this with that" etc took me right back to my grandad doing this with me and it did my head in. So controlling. No, I'll eat the bits I want and when thank you!
I would fuck off out if I were you! Unless he apologised

Well, you don't have to play happy families in front of her. You can play the family that you are. Leaving the house all day will only serve to escalate matters - I think you know this.

You need to be adult about this. Have a calm conversation, the two of you. Whatever the problem is, sort it out civilly.

Vegetables: don't push it. Keep a steady and calm approach of only offering a healthy and balanced diet, including a small amount of rubbish food, and don't change course. Over time they will almost certainly move on. And if they don't, well you have two picky eaters on your hands and there's literally nothing you can do about it. It won't have been your fault, you will have done what you should have done - and that's it. They're not robots. They're individuals. Tell your DH this, sounds like you have a good grip already.

You both really need to agree a strategy and show a united front.
Yes, forcing veggies is not great, but better than a perfect strategy is a nice atmosphere at the dinner table.
You insisting that you are right and telling dh how to act will come across belittling to him no matter what your intentions are.

But I'm much of the view that we can't force them to eat stuff and threatening them with no pudding unless they clear their plate is just not a healthy way to encourage them.
is that what’s happening though? Are they not eating veg or food they’d normally eat, but happy eating pudding?

I dont think you should necessarily head off out for the whole day but you don’t need to pretend all is well either. I have a child who only eats a handful of veg. She ate loads as a baby but now only a few items but I think you’re doing the right thing. Any extra pressure isn’t the way to go. Is there any particular food your DH doesn’t like. Would he like to eat a bowl of it with you constantly nagging at him. My DD is always willing to try new things and she’ll even ask to try the old ones again to see if ‘she likes them yet’. That’s all we ask in our house that she keeps an open mind. Mealtimes should be relaxed

I think it would be a bit rude to your mil - she hasn’t done anything wrong. I can understand your annoyance and he should not be swearing in front of the kids.

I would take the children out for the day and as you leave, text the in laws to say 'sorry we won't see you today but H has been absolutely vile to us today, swearing at all of us. Maybe you can talk some sense into him'.

Tricky to answer - DD6 will eat some veg only in its raw state, says she doesn't like it cooked. Has in the past eaten said veg cooked, but seems to have just gone off it. Now won't eat that veg at all (carrots). Also hadn't made this casserole before, but knew they'd like the sauce so thought they'd be happy to eat the veg in the sauce. They are happy to eat veg they don't usually eat if it's in a chilli or cottage pie, for example - because they like the taste of it with gravy on. So yeah it's probably just them being fussy, and yes can be very frustrating. But isn't that all kids? I don't think it's a huge deal as long as they do get SOME veg in through the day.

One consistent food they ALWAYS eat no matter what, is pudding. No issues there 😂

Tbh I wouldn't be giving my kids sweet things after dinner every day anyhow.

My kids do have to eat vegetables because they are part of a balanced diet. I wouldn't let them stop eating vegetables for a little while any more than I would let them stop brushing their teeth for a bit.

One of mine is monumentally fussy but the rule is - she tells us what vegetables she will eat, we make those, and then yes she must eat them. That has worked for us. She is 11 and so far fine.

In your dinner scenario, I would have said calmly "okay I will use the casserole veggies as leftovers this week for myself, but you girls need to eat some vegetables so what will it be?"

Mine will often respond by saying okay, we'll have some carrot sticks or something, which is fine for me.

I can understand why your H is frustrated although swearing is unacceptable.

Buggering off must be a huge temptation but I wouldn’t give dh satisfaction. Mil is bound to ask where you are and it might lead to him explaining about the row, just dragging the whole thing on. Make shepherds pie or lasagne whatever they will enjoy for tea, squish the carrots a bit and talk about anything else but the food. Just at the end say how you really think girls should be happy with themselves for eating their good healthy veg. Curious what the other casserole was….could you do a soup version of it, blend say half the veg and squish the rest with a potato masher for some texture? I get sick of carrots cauliflower broccoli peas or red peppers all the time and got my lot to eat roasted squash and green beans by doing this. Blended butter beans are undetectable in chili.

They do get alternatives, they get pudding...

I don't think either of you is particularly right or wrong, even if we are more aligned to your husband approach (minus the nagging. But no veg = no pudding, they make their choice).
You do need to talk and compromise on your methods though, it doesn't sound very healthy at the moment. It's also an extreme reaction from both of you.

If you need space tomorrow, taking some time for yourself doesn't seem like a particularly bad idea. They'll be busy with their grandma, could be a good opportunity for you to do something else.
You don't have to say to your husband that you want to "fuck off for the day" though. It won't help the situation.

I wouldn’t go away but I would prepare simple factual answers in case he said something about what happened yesterday and I wouldn’t play loving wife.

I think it’s ok to ask kids what vegs they like, prepare them and have other vegs just available alongside.
I would blend vegs into sauce where possible. Kids don’t like some textures and it’s ok, blending gets them used to taste and then you can move to the next stage and skip blending.
By the way I’m older and further down the line, some kids I knew only ate sticks of carrot and pieces of apple at 5 y.o but by 16 they were happily eating everything. So you are right that DH should relax a bit if there is no medical concerns.

Yikes. Ye sound as bad as eachother tbh.

Ye have a different parenting style. No need for either of you to snap or swear about this in fairness. Also, why would your MIL suffer and not see her family (you) because you are having an argument. It's not her fault...

One of my dc hated veg mixed with anything but would eat them if they were in a separate pile. So a sausage with a pile of sweetcorn, a pile of green beans, and pile of carrots would be eaten. But mix them all together in a casserole and the sausage would be picked out and the rest discarded. Possibly a neuro diverse trait keeping each food item separate? However they did also eat shepherd's pie or lasagne that had everything mixed in.

As a child I remember hating gravy on a roast dinner. I like to taste the chicken or ham, I like to taste the potato, I liked to taste the peas etc. If there was gravy on it it all tasted the same. (but I also was fine with shepherd's pie etc.)

Would it work to have meals with a main protein item and serving bowls of veg that they can choose / help themselves to? "Here are 4 veg/salad items, which two are you going to choose to have with your chicken?" "Can't choose between sprouts and tomatoes? Have a little bit of both and tell me which you prefer..."

I'd also limit the puddings to things that are not very sweet in taste - a rhubarb crumble, a baked apple. Some grapes, celery and nuts. Nothing with chocolate.

Re tomorrow - definitely do not go out. your dh may represent this as 'you being in a mood' thereby earning even more brownie points as a long suffering husband. I'd get my veiwpoint in early with MIL (if you can catch her on her own) and apologise if things seem a bit tetchy, but that dh had sworn in front of the children, and it wasn't quite resolved yet..

What are you going to do tomorrow when you're out. Are you taking the kids with you or having a day to yourself?

Casserole veg hiding is easy by blending the veg into the sauce. You mention one will only eat raw carrots, is it an issue to keep some aside when cooking and then put on her plate? If they like peas give them peas instead of a veg you know they arent keen on.

I tried to keep meal times as calm as possible as my ex was like yours....just made things worse!!

You are both being unreasonable. Nagging the kids isn't goung to help, but giving them pudding every night and then thinking that they will eat dinner ( when they know dessert is coming ) is bonkers.

Op I wouldn't actually let him eat with them going forward serve them separately with you or just them alone if you want to eat with the ape man

Pea lollipops are a game changer. Just give them raw frozen peas and call them pea lollipops, most kids absolutely adore them. In my house grapes were classed as a vegetable for many years (they are green after all) and served with meals. A lot of it is in the name of the food, so if you can think of imaginative names for veg that can help.

1. You need to back your DH in the first instance otherwise your kids will play you off against each other (even if he was being annoying but I imagine he feels you’re being a soft touch)
2. frankly if they don’t eat their veg why would you give them pudding? They will quickly work out where their priorities lie

he just couldn't help it and kept on and on at the girls until I snapped at him and he was then swearing (mainly at the situation eg. It's fucking ridiculous).

Ew what a baby. How deeply unattractive. He needs to grow up.

Your kids’ diet sounds fine.

YANBU to go out.

Re eating veggies, I chop it up very finely and mix it in with the meal, e.g cauliflower in rice, shaving broccoli on pasta. I make it bigger over time so their palate adjusts and they get used to seeing it. They never really eat it on its own but they don’t try to pick it out either.

YANBU to leave him to it. That’s appalling behaviour from a grown man and he absolutely owes you all an apology and he needs to change. Tell him about how everything he is haranguing his kids about is going to become their inner monologues for the rest of their lives. Does he want them
to be happy well adjusted women? Does he want them to develop an eating disorder? How would he feel if future boyfriends and husbands treated them like this. Lay out the worst case scenarios.

I would also pull him up on the comments as soon as they start. Every time. Let your daughters know it’s not acceptable to treat them like this.

He is creating a war zone at the table, there is no harm in encouraging them but he is making threats and definitely needs to apologise.

I used to grate veg very small and add it to the kids food . They mostly didn't know it was t here. The unpleasant atmosphere at the table is the bigger issue, it must make meal times very tense for you and the kids . Why do men do this, it guarantees that the kids will be less likely to eat !